Another story - probably the same as everyone else
- Thread starter GBS
- Start date
GBS
Respected Member
550 days sober
12 monk mode
Thanks @Blondie - I want you to know I probably wouldn’t be where I am without you.
And thanks @Simon2 -
Things here on vac are borderline perfect. Wife is relaxed which is rare for her on holiday. She wore the swimsuit. Luckily my swimming boxers hide the effects….so does the effing cold Atlantic Ocean.
12 monk mode
Thanks @Blondie - I want you to know I probably wouldn’t be where I am without you.
And thanks @Simon2 -
It’s my mantra that going back to who I was deep inside my brain would be illogical, stupid and just obviously wrong. You too have been and remain a massive inspiration. Never forget that.
Things here on vac are borderline perfect. Wife is relaxed which is rare for her on holiday. She wore the swimsuit. Luckily my swimming boxers hide the effects….so does the effing cold Atlantic Ocean.
GBS
Respected Member
551 days sober
13 monk mode
Lots of healthy discussion over in the Partners forum on @I_Love_Tuscany ’s string with my good pal @Jlied giving perspective on what libido feels like when you’re 2+ years recovered. It’s surely the goal to find out what rebooted libido is even if it isn’t as raging as pre-reboot libido. It’s probably going to be less, and that can feel rather obviously disconcerting. But that is what we must embrace. I find it reassuring that new libido is out there. For me I think I am getting towards it and not being disappointed with less constant sex thoughts. Very hard to make oneself comfortable about that. But possible.
Holiday is lovely thanks. 5 in our family plus boys’ girlfriends plus female friend for my slightly older daughter. True relaxation. 13 days monk mode never easier. But I know that can change in an instant.
13 monk mode
Lots of healthy discussion over in the Partners forum on @I_Love_Tuscany ’s string with my good pal @Jlied giving perspective on what libido feels like when you’re 2+ years recovered. It’s surely the goal to find out what rebooted libido is even if it isn’t as raging as pre-reboot libido. It’s probably going to be less, and that can feel rather obviously disconcerting. But that is what we must embrace. I find it reassuring that new libido is out there. For me I think I am getting towards it and not being disappointed with less constant sex thoughts. Very hard to make oneself comfortable about that. But possible.
Holiday is lovely thanks. 5 in our family plus boys’ girlfriends plus female friend for my slightly older daughter. True relaxation. 13 days monk mode never easier. But I know that can change in an instant.
GBS
Respected Member
554 days sober
17 monk mode
Well I have reported stuff here before, little signs of progress and I get all hyped up about the thought that sex must be literally a few days away…..yesterday there were at least a dozen little signs that spelled progress. I don’t really understand but I’ll take it. I felt like she was suggesting sex. In the old days the cue would have been obvious and we would have had sex. But I don’t understand the cues anymore and what with the boundaries still being in place the new world of cues is going to have to be blatant.
Exec summary- I am on a very good -lace and trying not to be too hopeful for fear of the dashing.
17 monk mode
Well I have reported stuff here before, little signs of progress and I get all hyped up about the thought that sex must be literally a few days away…..yesterday there were at least a dozen little signs that spelled progress. I don’t really understand but I’ll take it. I felt like she was suggesting sex. In the old days the cue would have been obvious and we would have had sex. But I don’t understand the cues anymore and what with the boundaries still being in place the new world of cues is going to have to be blatant.
Exec summary- I am on a very good -lace and trying not to be too hopeful for fear of the dashing.
GBS
Respected Member
555 days sober
18 monk mode
I just want to say something about libido again. I think it’s the critical component to recovery - discovering and accepting that a constant sexual state of mind is not healthy. I think we men have obviously got a lot of natural sexual energy from adolescence if not earlier. Our libido is raging at 18. We can now keep it raging so easily. And a raging libido is what we’re used to and want to preserve, right? Dopamine heaven and constant sexual thoughts. Why avoid that combo? How many millions of men are doing this because a) they can, and b) they’re unaware they’re walking into the trap….?
So having a sensible libido, not one constant on the edge libido, is the panacea. Be organic with your desire. Don’t try and force it. All these thoughts and ramblings are my own way of affirming my own wishes. I am nearly there psychologically.
18 monk mode
Well that’s extremely kind of you @Simon2 . Sorry to disappoint but no ticker tape yet. Yesterday was another one with acts of affection in it. Rare to count two on the trot. So we have positive signs. I think her mindset is obviously right. We’re supposedly having couples therapy in a few weeks so I don’t want to upset the karma, and I am just playing along with it rather than asking blatantly whether she’s dropping a hint (sorry @Androg but I just fear the worst).
I just want to say something about libido again. I think it’s the critical component to recovery - discovering and accepting that a constant sexual state of mind is not healthy. I think we men have obviously got a lot of natural sexual energy from adolescence if not earlier. Our libido is raging at 18. We can now keep it raging so easily. And a raging libido is what we’re used to and want to preserve, right? Dopamine heaven and constant sexual thoughts. Why avoid that combo? How many millions of men are doing this because a) they can, and b) they’re unaware they’re walking into the trap….?
So having a sensible libido, not one constant on the edge libido, is the panacea. Be organic with your desire. Don’t try and force it. All these thoughts and ramblings are my own way of affirming my own wishes. I am nearly there psychologically.
GBS
Respected Member
556 days sober
19 monk mode
Things are good here. Lots of healthy signs but nothing more. That’s enough albeit frustrating of course.
I can recall Googling “sex starved husband” before and I went and did it again. Not foolish but slightly asking for trouble I suppose. Various articles like the whole world is going down the drain because he wants sex often, she doesn’t, he doesn’t understand, the cycle starts. Then there’s the opinion that women need to step up. Then there’s the opinion that men need to communicate and work things through but they don’t because they’re too scared of rejection. All in all a mixed bag and no one says here’s the answer.
What is probably true though is that marriage is rarely perfect when we’re talking about sex. Who goes through their (let’s say) 40 year marriage without a period of inactivity or difficulty. Who gets help? Can they afford the help? And what about those women who do keep having sex but they really don’t like it (and worse). I think there’s no way we can fix the world other than by finding ways to talk more. That’s the end of my lesson today, kids.
19 monk mode
Things are good here. Lots of healthy signs but nothing more. That’s enough albeit frustrating of course.
I can recall Googling “sex starved husband” before and I went and did it again. Not foolish but slightly asking for trouble I suppose. Various articles like the whole world is going down the drain because he wants sex often, she doesn’t, he doesn’t understand, the cycle starts. Then there’s the opinion that women need to step up. Then there’s the opinion that men need to communicate and work things through but they don’t because they’re too scared of rejection. All in all a mixed bag and no one says here’s the answer.
What is probably true though is that marriage is rarely perfect when we’re talking about sex. Who goes through their (let’s say) 40 year marriage without a period of inactivity or difficulty. Who gets help? Can they afford the help? And what about those women who do keep having sex but they really don’t like it (and worse). I think there’s no way we can fix the world other than by finding ways to talk more. That’s the end of my lesson today, kids.
joepanic
Respected Member
Yes of course I would never stop insisting on at least getting an answer. and trying to find a solution In the meantime I am still going to fill the void though. Life is too short to just go about accepting that which hurts you in some way.
This could go down a wormhole but yes a wife deciding to not even "discuss" the reasons behind such a change even if it;s because we were watching porn or for some other reason is not playing fair in a marriage. It takes effort from both a doctor and the patient to cure an illness.