Following the Light
- Thread starter Brutus
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Brutus
Active Member
Day 139 no PMO
Thanks Androg. I mostly journal to record my journey through addiction and to stay accountable. That being said, it gives me joy to think that others benefit from my recovery story or the things I write. Whether this is true or not, I'll just keep plugging away at the days.
Brutus
Active Member
Day 141 no PMO
Wednesday night was filled with urges and I was close to relapsing. It's crazy how sudden urges can hit you sometimes. Wednesday was a completely normal day, no triggers or anything. I couldn't fall asleep that night and I suddenly had an extreme urge to MO. I was also thinking about old images I had seen months ago, feeding the urges. It was like I was in a delirium for the few hours I couldn't sleep. Thankfully I didn't actually relapse and I felt much better yesterday and today. The urges really do pass when I don't act on them. I'm refraining from MO because it leads to PMO in my personal experience. I also won't be worthy spiritually for my mission if I'm MO'ing.
Wednesday night was filled with urges and I was close to relapsing. It's crazy how sudden urges can hit you sometimes. Wednesday was a completely normal day, no triggers or anything. I couldn't fall asleep that night and I suddenly had an extreme urge to MO. I was also thinking about old images I had seen months ago, feeding the urges. It was like I was in a delirium for the few hours I couldn't sleep. Thankfully I didn't actually relapse and I felt much better yesterday and today. The urges really do pass when I don't act on them. I'm refraining from MO because it leads to PMO in my personal experience. I also won't be worthy spiritually for my mission if I'm MO'ing.
Brutus
Active Member
Day 143 no PMO
Almost MO'ed last night. I felt sexual urges and M'd because of it. It got to a point where I knew that if I kept going I would definitely have relapsed (not quite edging but close). That thought gave me the needed clarity to stop and keep from relapsing.
I recognize now some of the reasons why I need to stop playing video games. This last week I had been playing games every evening for a couple of hours. Doing this puts me in an emotional and physical state where relapse is easier. I play single player games mostly so I isolate while playing. I also have a habit of playing even if I get bored or should take a break, too lazy to do something else I suppose. Playing also puts me into a state of idleness, wasting time. These are all triggers that lead me to PMO, as evidenced by my near MO last night. These can also be applied to social media. I'm going on a strict no video games and no social media policy this week to see if the urges lessen.
Almost MO'ed last night. I felt sexual urges and M'd because of it. It got to a point where I knew that if I kept going I would definitely have relapsed (not quite edging but close). That thought gave me the needed clarity to stop and keep from relapsing.
I recognize now some of the reasons why I need to stop playing video games. This last week I had been playing games every evening for a couple of hours. Doing this puts me in an emotional and physical state where relapse is easier. I play single player games mostly so I isolate while playing. I also have a habit of playing even if I get bored or should take a break, too lazy to do something else I suppose. Playing also puts me into a state of idleness, wasting time. These are all triggers that lead me to PMO, as evidenced by my near MO last night. These can also be applied to social media. I'm going on a strict no video games and no social media policy this week to see if the urges lessen.
Brutus
Active Member
Day 145 no PMO
More urges last night, almost MO'd again. I also was looking at some suggestive material on my phone. My sleep schedule has been off the past few weeks so I've been having trouble falling asleep at night. This seems to be the main problem for me, laying awake at night and being unable to sleep. The mind wanders and urges come as a result. I'll refrain from lying in bed until I am actually tired tonight to hopefully keep me from acting on the urge to relapse.
More urges last night, almost MO'd again. I also was looking at some suggestive material on my phone. My sleep schedule has been off the past few weeks so I've been having trouble falling asleep at night. This seems to be the main problem for me, laying awake at night and being unable to sleep. The mind wanders and urges come as a result. I'll refrain from lying in bed until I am actually tired tonight to hopefully keep me from acting on the urge to relapse.
This is what helps me fall asleep. You don't need much. https://thesleepdoctor.com/sleep-aids/glycine-for-sleep/
Brutus
Active Member
Day 146 no PMO
Sounds good to me. Do you take it nightly and notice a big difference? I noticed the article said that the main sources of glycine are meat, dairy and legumes. I'm currently not eating meat or dairy and legumes only occasionally so I might need more glycine. Seems like it's worth a try.
Thank you Simon! I had a rough couple of days but I feel like the urges are starting to die down a bit. They really came out of nowhere!
Brutus
Active Member
Day 148 no PMO
Urges are starting to go away now. I noticed that my prayers had changed over time. When I first started this reboot I asked to be saved from this addiction and the urges to look at pornography. After the first 4 months I started asking for strength to resist the urges myself or for heavenly strength to save myself. It doesn't work this way. There is only one person who can save me from this evil and that is Jesus Christ. As soon as I changed my prayers back the urges stopped. It's important that I don't circumvent the saving power of Christ by relying on anything else to save me from this addiction, especially my own willpower. Things quickly spiral when I try to take care of this on my own.
Urges are starting to go away now. I noticed that my prayers had changed over time. When I first started this reboot I asked to be saved from this addiction and the urges to look at pornography. After the first 4 months I started asking for strength to resist the urges myself or for heavenly strength to save myself. It doesn't work this way. There is only one person who can save me from this evil and that is Jesus Christ. As soon as I changed my prayers back the urges stopped. It's important that I don't circumvent the saving power of Christ by relying on anything else to save me from this addiction, especially my own willpower. Things quickly spiral when I try to take care of this on my own.
When do you leave?
Brutus
Active Member
Day 150 no PMO!
5 months clean and I'm feeling great! Recovery has been a slow and incremental process for me. Excited to see how I feel at half a year and beyond. I'll just work at it one day at a time and It'll work out.
5 months clean and I'm feeling great! Recovery has been a slow and incremental process for me. Excited to see how I feel at half a year and beyond. I'll just work at it one day at a time and It'll work out.
I start what's called home training on August 14. It's basically studying and lectures done over Zoom for one week. After that I go to my church's Missionary Training Center in Provo Utah on the 23rd of August. I'll spend about two weeks learning there and then go to Denver on September 8th. I'm slowly packing up my stuff and buying the things I need (suits, white shirts, ties, dress shoes, etc).
Brutus
Active Member
Day 152 no PMO
Forgot to post yesterday. Things are going good. I have a meeting with my bishop tonight, first one since I was at about 100 days. These meetings used to just be me confessing my lapses and feeling guilty about them. It'll be good to have a clear conscience and 152 days sobriety for the one tonight.
Forgot to post yesterday. Things are going good. I have a meeting with my bishop tonight, first one since I was at about 100 days. These meetings used to just be me confessing my lapses and feeling guilty about them. It'll be good to have a clear conscience and 152 days sobriety for the one tonight.