Following the Light

Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 126 no PMO

Finally finished reading The Brothers Karamazov after about a month and a half, along with the other books I was reading. Now I'm starting 3 new books which definitely won't take as long to read.

The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury
Navigating Mormon Faith Crisis by Thomas McConkie
The 5 Love Languages of Teens by Gary Chapman
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 127 no PMO

Nothing new to report. Maintenance is my primary concern right now. As long as I maintain the healthy habits that have brought me this far in recovery, I will continue to heal and stay away from PMO. It feels good to have time working in my favor now (i.e. towards long term healing). Before it just felt like a matter of time before the next relapse, which ultimately made time my enemy.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 129 no PMO

I had a good time at church today. I was able to have a super spiritual conversation with my Mom about the things I've experienced lately, along with what true conversion looks like in Christianity. My Mom is the family member I'm closest to and I'm glad we can spend quality time together.

I just realized today that this current streak is the longest I've ever gone without looking at pornography by a long shot. My previous record was about 3 weeks. Every day is literally a milestone in my recovery. Feels awesome man!
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 130 no PMO

I had a great weekend and I'm looking forward to this week. I'm going to be focusing on using my time in a productive way by reading and exercising. It's too easy to waste time on the internet and have nothing to show for it.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 131 no PMO

I was praying yesterday asking God what He wanted me to do about my video game and social media use. About a year ago I received an impression from God that I needed to stop wasting time on these things. My use has been up and down since then but was on more of a downward trend overall. I've felt good about my progress, spending a couple of hours at most each day on these two things. Recently I've been analyzing that prior impression I received and whether or not I've been living up to it. I was told to completely stop spending time on these things, not limit them to a couple of hours. I also received a reconfirmation of that impression last night while asking about it in prayer. So, time to recommit to no video games and no social media. I'll be spending the bulk of my time reading books and preparing for my mission. In less than 2 months I'll be leaving on my mission and will be too busy to do these things anyway. Might as well start now and get used to it.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 132 no PMO

Had a good start for my new goal yesterday. I didn't spend any time on video games and about 30 minutes on YouTube. I'll slowly reduce this time until it hits my goal of 0 minutes spent daily. One struggle for me is that I use YouTube as a break between reading books. I need to think up some healthier things to do during this downtime. Listening to good music is one thing I'll put into practice today.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 133 no PMO

I've been feeling some minor urges to look at pornography this week. Pretty sure it's because of social media and video games. They activate the same dopamine pathways in my brain, especially scrolling. Wasting time on social media, getting bored, seeing something suggestive, looking at porn and relapsing was a regular cycle for me. I need to stop the cycle at the first step, which I'm trying to do by cutting the scrolling out of my life.

I also got to make sure I don't get bored/burnt out because of all the reading I'm doing. It's tough to transition from online entertainment to old fashioned books.
Androg said:
Maybe stretch to the music so you move too.
Click to expand...
Yeah, that would be smart. I really need to stretch the muscles I use for cycling. My legs feel pretty stiff most of the time because I don't stretch!
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 134 no PMO

I had some major urges today after wasting about an hour on YouTube. It's obviously becoming too dangerous for me to watch YouTube if I'm feeling tempted to relapse afterwards. I deleted the YouTube app from my phone and it's blocked on my PC so I won't be tempted to watch anymore. When I had the urges today I decided to get up and take care of some medical stuff for my mission that I had been putting off. I gotta remember that keeping busy takes my mind off of PMO and urges. Staying idle or bored is a recipe for disaster.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 135 no PMO

Still going strong. Shortly after deleting YouTube on my phone I got busy and addressed some things I had been procrastinating. I felt much better after taking care of those things I put off over the week. I don't know why this is but procrastinating important things makes me feel absolutely terrible, to the point where I almost relapse. Obviously I should just address this stuff instead of putting it off but it's easier said than done. There's a part of me that loves to waste time and procrastinate until the day before a deadline. I'll work on this part of my personality by putting together a plan for when I'll address important items and stick to it.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
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My theory is that living online teaches people to get their rewards from distraction rather than achievement. It takes time to shift gears, so be gentle with yourself. But try not to engage in distraction until you do...even a tiny bit...of something constructive. At least then you are rewarding yourself from achieving something.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 136 no PMO

I've been thinking a lot about apathy the last few days. While deep in the addiction, I really struggled with this emotion. It seemed as though I was going to struggle with PMO all my life so why would I try to stop? Other times I would just feel like nothing mattered at all whether that be sobriety, work, family or any other source of potential meaning. As the days have stacked up I've become much more hopeful for the future. Apathy and hope are pretty much diametrically opposed so it makes sense that while I’m feeling hopeful I wouldn't struggle with apathy. Much of this hope comes from being freed of all guilt and being able to participate in my religion without any duplicity. The burden has been lifted so I can focus on what really matters.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Androg said:
My theory is that living online teaches people to get their rewards from distraction rather than achievement. It takes time to shift gears, so be gentle with yourself. But try not to engage in distraction until you do...even a tiny bit...of something constructive. At least then you are rewarding yourself from achieving something.
Click to expand...
Yeah for sure. I'm in that awkward place between getting rewards from distraction and getting rewards from achievement. Like you said, it will just take time and discipline to rewire my brain completely.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 137 no PMO

I had the opportunity yesterday to teach some youth in my church about my recovery from addiction and the healing I've received from Jesus Christ. I've had many opportunities to teach about my experiences recently. It's incredible to see something that was so evil in my life be used in a way that glorifies God. I am grateful and humbled for the opportunity to share my personal conviction and new found faith in God and Jesus Christ. It's also good practice for the preaching I'll do while on a mission :cool:
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 138 no PMO

I've been thinking about the recent urges I experienced to PMO and comparing them to when I was just starting to reboot. The urges I have now only last from 1-2 days and are more of an annoying whimper in the back of my mind compared to a deafening roar just 4 months ago. I can't say how long my old urges used to last, I would generally just give into them. Sometimes I could refrain for most of the day but the urges would just stick around. Generally, if I had an urge to PMO in the morning I would be relapsing that night. Things are much better now, thanks to the passing of time and spiritual healing from God. It's literally night and day, black and white, sin and purity.
 
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