Following the Light

Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 153 no PMO

My meeting went well. It's changed from confessing relapses to sharing gratitude for the healing I've received from Jesus Christ. We were also able to talk about my mission and preparing for it as well.

I'm in the best position emotionally and spiritually since before I first viewed pornography about six years ago. No doubt in my mind, you can indeed experience hell on Earth. That's what it felt like for me while addicted to porn. It was acute spiritual and emotional anguish. No self esteem, no confidence, struggling to feel emotions, no peace before others or God. I still can't believe just how terrible PMO makes your life. It negatively affects every aspect of your life. I feel eternal gratitude to have been healed from this disease. As long as I continue to pray and ask to be saved from it, the urges are manageable and God doesn't let me down.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 155 no PMO

My boss from the job I worked at a year ago recently passed away. He was super demanding and even though I quit because I needed to take a break and focus on serving a mission, I had a deep respect for him. He founded a small business from scratch about 30 years ago that has expanded to 3 locations that provide service to most of central Texas. He was pretty intimidating too, he didn't put up with any lame excuses. About a month ago I was able to apologize to him for quitting unceremoniously (through text message no less) and that I appreciated the opportunity I had to work for him. Ultimately the job was getting in the way of my goal of serving a mission. It wasn't helping with my recovery from this addiction and the work stress seemed to actually make it worse. When I realized that continuing to work for him would most likely result in me not serving a mission, I had to quit and refocus my efforts.

I'll be attending his funeral tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be able to talk to some old co-workers and apologize to them for quitting so suddenly as well. I still feel kind of guilty about it, especially since we had a low staff at the time. I haven't talked to them since I quit so it'll be good to see them again.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 157 no PMO

The funeral was a great service. I saw quite a few of my old co-workers. I learned that my former boss had joined my church only 12 years ago, when he was 50. I knew he was a member but I figured he had been a lifelong member the way he acted. I'm impressed that he was willing to join and change his lifestyle at such an old age. Many aren't willing to do that.

I also went shopping for mission stuff. I bought my first suit, it's close to a navy blue in color. It looks pretty good on me and goes with my blond hair :)
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 158 no PMO

Had a good time at church and ARP yesterday. It wouldn't seem like it but I feel the spirit of God the strongest in the addiction recovery meetings every week. It's a spirit of peace and brotherly love. There's no judgment at the meetings, we're all going through the same thing and know what it's like.

There have been two guys who recently joined our group that are about my age and we've hit it off really well. It feels great to want to talk to them, I haven't felt like doing that for a good while because the addiction made me extremely antisocial. Something about our similar ages and dealing with the same addiction I think. I was able to talk to them about my own recovery and navigating the spiritual side of things. It's cool because I'm doing what I wish someone else did for me while working through the addiction. PMO is a very serious sin and it separates one from God. Having to navigate anything spiritual is a challenge because you're just thinking about PMO and satisfying the body. I wished that someone else who was stronger spiritually and who had been through the addiction could spell out exactly what I needed to do to have peace before God again. Though there wasn't anyone who did this for me (I was able to separate myself from PMO enough to receive direction from God and He led my recovery), it feels incredible to offer that service to someone else. Hopefully they will be able to navigate and recover by finding Christ themselves. I can give pointers and advice but ultimately He is the source of healing from addiction and lust.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
I guess I think of it more as an error or detour than a "sin," but however you frame it, I'm glad you can provide support.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Brutus said:
It's cool because I'm doing what I wish someone else did for me while working through the addiction.
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This is great @Brutus! Way to set a good example.

I remember back when I was Christian, in those years I reached out to only a few others about my porn use (which took a lot of courage), unfortunately, no one ever got back to me, or helped me out, which really made the shame and loneliness all the worse. I think that's great that you can be the light and example that you wished you had back in the day. I actually think that's a great value to have in life in general, that is, to ask yourself the question, what can I be or do for others, that I wish someone had done when I was in their shoes?

I love it!

Best
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 159 no PMO

Androg said:
I guess I think of it more as an error or detour than a "sin," but however you frame it, I'm glad you can provide support.
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Everyone will look at it differently and I can respect that. For me personally, I define sin as that which separates us from God. Lately I can feel His presence withdraw when I do something serious that I shouldn't. I also felt cutoff from God while consistently looking at pornography. You're right about it being a major detour though. I wouldn't say that God maliciously abandons us when commit sin, especially when falling into something like an addiction. That being said, he also won't be in the presence of anything ungodly. I couldn't feel His spirit until asking for forgiveness and being cleansed spiritually by Jesus Christ.

Blondie said:
This is great @Brutus! Way to set a good example.

I remember back when I was Christian, in those years I reached out to only a few others about my porn use (which took a lot of courage), unfortunately, no one ever got back to me, or helped me out, which really made the shame and loneliness all the worse. I think that's great that you can be the light and example that you wished you had back in the day. I actually think that's a great value to have in life in general, that is, to ask yourself the question, what can I be or do for others, that I wish someone had done when I was in their shoes?
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I'm so sorry that this was your experience when reaching out for help. I'm sure part of that response was that PMO wasn't viewed as a serious addiction until very recently. Thankfully the leaders of my church properly recognize not only how addictive PMO use is but also how destructive it is for the spirit. When I confessed to the bishop of my church, he didn't condemn or judge me. He helped me to recover from the addiction and offered guidance.

I've received quite a bit of experience in recovery, especially when it comes to the more spiritual aspects of it. While in the addiction, my parents and bishop would ask me, "what can we do for you, what do you need?" All I ever wanted to say was "I have no clue what I need to get out of this!" It's different now though. After applying the twelve steps and knowing exactly what that looks like, I can offer guidance to these guys just starting the journey. We'll see if they recover as well. One thing I will say, not everyone will be willing to expend the effort necessary to really be spiritually healed from the addiction. Looking back on my own journey, I'm surprised that I was able to make it myself. It required a lot of sacrifice, humility and even changing the way I view God's relationship with us. Ultimately though I'm thankful for the growth I've been able to receive from this struggle. I now have a deeper conversion to my church and, more importantly, to the saving power of Jesus Christ.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Thanks for your explanation. I suspect the "separation" is all on our side, and perhaps you would agree. That is, it's not the divine cutting anyone off after they "detour." It's that we can't "hear" right after a slip, so we can't sense our connection because we're out of alignment. We "feel" separate, but nothing actually separated us from our source. Our perception just dimmed. "Sin" sounds much more judgmental.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 160 no PMO
Androg said:
Thanks for your explanation. I suspect the "separation" is all on our side, and perhaps you would agree. That is, it's not the divine cutting anyone off after they "detour." It's that we can't "hear" right after a slip, so we can't sense our connection because we're out of alignment. We "feel" separate, but nothing actually separated us from our source. Our perception just dimmed. "Sin" sounds much more judgmental.
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That's exactly how I would describe it. I agree that people can use the concept of sin or sinfulness to judge others. I try to refrain from doing this, judging others for their shortcomings doesn't help the situation and usually makes things worse. struggling with PMO has actually made it much easier for me to not judge the things other people do. We all struggle with something and for those who are trying to do better, a judging attitude from others destroys trust and understanding.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 163 no PMO

Had another wet dream last night, I think the 6th or 7th this reboot. It was kinda like inception where I was dreaming that I was sleeping and had a wet dream and I "woke up" twice. I've never experienced a dream like that before. Anyway, my brain's healing. Unfortunately my wet dreams are still about masturbation instead of sex. At least I don't dream about PMO though.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 164 no PMO

Good weekend. I felt the Holy Ghost in church today and also in my ARP group. I used to be "dead" to spiritual things because of the addiction. It's been a blessing from God to be able to consistently feel His spirit now and to receive peace and joy through it.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 166 no PMO

Just finished jury duty. It was a civil case and I wasn't one of the 12 chosen to be a juror. There were about 45 of us for the one case. I don't mind too much. This was pretty close to when I'm leaving for my mission so I had concerns about it conflicting if the case went on for weeks (unlikely but you never know).
 
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