Escape and never come back

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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
So, fuck the days counting for now. Yesterday I binged my brains out, 7 fuckin PMOs like back in high school............

I PMOed twice, contacted SA then PMOed 5 more times until 10 PM... What more can I say, man? I definitely can't stop the binge syndrome. I don't seem to be able to keep it to 1 PMO. Yesterday, after 1 PMO, I still felt alright. but after 7, not anymore. I was having less social anxiety and more well-being in general, I binged and now I'm freaking out and feel lethargic... I'm freaking out about the SA thing because of my high social anxiety. Maybe I should mention this tomorrow when speaking with the guy from SA and maybe he understands.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
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He will understand. You will find kindred spirits there...and the tough love you seem to need. But for now, do your best to stop digging your hole any deeper. Have you tried exercise or simply a walk in nature?
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Androg said:
He will understand. You will find kindred spirits there...and the tough love you seem to need. But for now, do your best to stop digging your hole any deeper. Have you tried exercise or simply a walk in nature?
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I'll try to fuckin stop. Although it's hard. The fuckin craving has no end. Even when I physically can't anymore, the craving in the mind has no limit.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Fuckin shit, man, I had a binge yesterday too... Two days of binging in a row as compensation for being abstinent for 11 days... What can I say, typical junkie stuff. This fuckin social anxiety that I get after binges is killing me.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
So I have 4 days porn free today but I have been very tempted for the last 2 days, I was making plans to actually do it but tomorrow I have my first SA meeting and I don't want to go there after a binge. I had my conversation with the guy from SA after a binge, I don't want to do this again.

You know, I was thinking... I mentioned this to the SA guy, I watched hardcore pornography for the first time in 2003 and now we are in 2023, it's been 20 fuckin years, man, and I'm still a slave. Since that day, which I can remember very well, when I watched that porn channel for the first time, something changed in me, I was never the same, I was scared for the next 20 years.

Another thing which I'm actually realizing as I'm writing this: I kept saying I was 13 when I watched hardcore for the first time but that was 2003 and I was actually 12! Because I was born in November and I actually watched that earlier. I can't believe this shit, man, 20 fuckin years.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Simon2 said:
I'm very happy to hear you're going to a meeting. I hope it brings you something useful!

... yeah... porn destroys so much for so many of us. If only we could go back and tell that 12 year old to just leave it the F*** alone!
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I know what you mean but, unfortunately, I don't think you could've convince the 12 years old me not to do it because I already had the "addict mentality" which in my dictionary means "Looking for a break from my painful existence". I was bullied on a regular basics and I was very unhappy. I wanted to take a "break" from how I felt every day and this world of pleasure and fantasies offered me just that. I'm sure I would've said something like: "I can handle it, don't worry about it, I won't do it every day, I'll be careful" bla bla bla. It pains me very much to say it but, unfortunately, I was meant to be an addict. It was inevitable. I've had a hard time accepting this.
 
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