Escape and never come back

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Classic example really: I am an alcohol addict. Two of my family members died alcoholics when I was a kid, I was at the funerals. Why am I an alcohol addict if I've witnessed all that?

"Don't worry about it, I can handle it, I won't drink every day, they drank vodka every day that's why they had problems, it won't happen to me" la la la la.

That's what I'm talking about. Everything happened in subconscious. I was looking for any excuse possible to not stop because my life was really painful.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
It's only day 1... I relapsed yesterday, it drives me crazy, man. I have 19 days of alcohol sobriety today, I wish I could say the same about porn. I relapsed yesterday because I got stimulated hard by caffeine. I'm starting to become addicted to it, to be honest and it turned out to be another obstacle in front of my porn free life. It seems I have to go through the suffering of sacrificing things for the sake of porn recovery and it's going to suck big time.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 3

"Reddish leaves swirl in the wind like lost souls in search of rest. Like an open sketchbook focused on my dreams, this land is forever pictured as a comforting Autumn dusk. Replete with a golden sky, with crackling river water and bubbling marshes that dot the land, it feels like a Romantic artist's canvas.

Upon further investigation I have sensed horrendous visions of a gnarled doom, decorated as a picturesque facade in this endless autumn dusk. Spiny trees root deep into the foul earth, licking the ground dry of all that is good.

Carcasses populate the brush, their putrid remains swallowed whole by the land. And corners of this malevolent area are teeming with vicious ungodly prey, all whilst the grass stretches over this land twisting together like veins of pulsating sinew, as if the ground were alive, keen of the inhabitants that parade on its back.

Beady, black, soulless eyes flash across the air. Tiny, quick winged bats streak through the bright sky, flying razors waiting for the perfect moment to descend. As they swoop by I see sharp, bloodied teeth, a wicked demonic smile. From the darting blurs I hear an ominous whistling that chills my soul. They own the skies here.

Wraithlike, hooded minions, overseers without heart or soul, patrol this land. Slash-and-stitch techniques permeate their faces and arms, patched together like cheap quilts, using the skin from the bodies of rank corpses. They gather and live like packs of rabid wolves, instigating fights for supremacy. These abominations thirst for my destruction. They are mostly clustered around footpaths that seem to traverse upward along a Cliffside, but alternate groupings are planted among watering holes and the hollowed trees.

Further down the path it is as if the shadows are swallowing the surroundings whole, without a penchant of logic or drop of meaning. It is as if the only reason for this actually lies in darkness itself. Like royalty that rules the black void, entombed in the night infinite.

It is she, the ETERNAL MISTRESS OF SHADOW."
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 0

Didn't make it. Couldn't resist the pleasure. I knew exactly what I was going to do but I couldn't stop. I don't know how y'all can get those long streaks, man, you're mutants. Right now, I can't fuckin see how someone can resist the pleasure. It dumbfounds me that people like this exist. Unfortunately, it's not me... I don't even know when I will fuckin quit this shit, IF I'll quit. The chaser effect right now is killing me. The fuckin hunger for the pleasure is fuckin endless. A life fuckin destroyed by PMO, I can't believe I got myself into this shit. Now I can't quit. I thought this streak was going to get longer... Yeah, for sure... At the first sign of intense pleasure, I throw everything away. How the fuck do you quit like this? I guess it's all my fault for still being deep into this bullshit.
 

logicprox

Well-Known Member
I'm sorry to hear it, but we all have slipped many times, just got to get right back to it.

Not that my streak right now is one the longest out there, but it is MY longest ever and I will tell you how I did it.

Absolutely not with willpower. Not fighting urges. For me the only thing that has ever worked is rebuilding my entire life's habits from the ground up to cut the habit loops that drive the triggers that drive the urges to use.

I built a morning habit routine and night habit routine around things I honestly should have been doing my whole adult life but haven't. Most of these things have nothing to do with porn whatsoever. It's just about changing all the routines my brain got used to because all of that is associated with porn. Depending on the exact thing you are measuring, research indicates that somewhere between like 40 and 90% of what we do in a given day is just a habit, not a choice. Porn has absolutely been one of those things for me. Sometimes the trigger for that habit is a feeling, but the feeling got triggered somewhere along the way too. I identified all the things I know of that lead me down to porn, and built habits to avoid them as much as possible. I do the exact same things in the exact same sequence morning and night. It's a gradual process but now those things have become basically automatic, in times where I nearly automatically used porn before. Because, again, most of what we do is automatic. Just need to replace the bad habit loop with new ones.

I started tracking behavioral habits throughout the day that, again, have nothing to do with porn, but that I want to develop to overall be a better person. I have social anxiety, and I am working on that. For instance I started tracking on a habit app when i remembered to keep chin up and shoulders back, to feel and convey more confidence. And by tracking that near constantly, I have now embedded that into my behavior to where after 2.5 months, I mostly just do it now. Working on maintaining eye contact when speaking to people now.

Overall I have just shifted my mind from being all about this porn issue to being about how can I get the tiniest better at being the person I want to be every day, so that in 5 years I won't even recognize this person.

One of the things that I started doing every single day as part of my morning habits is mindfulness training. Besides the habit loop stuff, it has helped me identify thoughts and urges and just move on without a fight, when they do still come up.

I strongly recommend reading How to Change and Atomic Habits, reading those has made an immense difference for me because they talk about what scientific research says about how you can break habit loops.

With what I understand now about habits, it's not all your fault. Sure we made a decision at the beginning of all this, but we didn't have any way of knowing where it would lead. Now it's addictive power has carved habits into our brains, so it's biology's fault now. But we do have the power to change that.

Just not with willpower (at least for me).
 
Last edited:

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
There's a difference between cravings and genuine libido. The first step is to break the link between craving and action. See if you can do some pushups when you feel a craving. Every time. Even if you go on and use afterward. Break the cycle by forcing yourself to take some control.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I'm sorry to hear it, but we all have slipped many times, just got to get right back to it.

Not that my streak right now is one the longest out there, but it is MY longest ever and I will tell you how I did it.

Absolutely not with willpower. Not fighting urges. For me the only thing that has ever worked is rebuilding my entire life's habits from the ground up to cut the habit loops that drive the triggers that drive the urges to use.

I built a morning habit routine and night habit routine around things I honestly should have been doing my whole adult life but haven't. Most of these things have nothing to do with porn whatsoever. It's just about changing all the routines my brain got used to because all of that is associated with porn. Depending on the exact thing you are measuring, research indicates that somewhere between like 40 and 90% of what we do in a given day is just a habit, not a choice. Porn has absolutely been one of those things for me. Sometimes the trigger for that habit is a feeling, but the feeling got triggered somewhere along the way too. I identified all the things I know of that lead me down to porn, and built habits to avoid them as much as possible. I do the exact same things in the exact same sequence morning and night. It's a gradual process but now those things have become basically automatic, in times where I nearly automatically used porn before. Because, again, most of what we do is automatic. Just need to replace the bad habit loop with new ones.

I started tracking behavioral habits throughout the day that, again, have nothing to do with porn, but that I want to develop to overall be a better person. I have social anxiety, and I am working on that. For instance I started tracking on a habit app when i remembered to keep chin up and shoulders back, to feel and convey more confidence. And by tracking that near constantly, I have now embedded that into my behavior to where after 2.5 months, I mostly just do it now. Working on maintaining eye contact when speaking to people now.

Overall I have just shifted my mind from being all about this porn issue to being about how can I get the tiniest better at being the person I want to be every day, so that in 5 years I won't even recognize this person.

One of the things that I started doing every single day as part of my morning habits is mindfulness training. Besides the habit loop stuff, it has helped me identify thoughts and urges and just move on without a fight, when they do still come up.

I strongly recommend reading How to Change and Atomic Habits, reading those has made an immense difference for me because they talk about what scientific research says about how you can break habit loops.

With what I understand now about habits, it's not all your fault. Sure we made a decision at the beginning of all this, but we didn't have any way of knowing where it would lead. Now it's addictive power has carved habits into our brains, so it's biology's fault now. But we do have the power to change that.

Just not with willpower (at least for me).
Thanks for advice. It's true. You're saying some true and valuable things here.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Everything is shit. I've PMOed 5 times in the last 2 days. It was going well, I had 8 days without PMO and then the craving for the pleasure won. The high was so intense, like crack. I'm telling you, this shit has nothing to do anymore with getting aroused and stuff like that, this is straight up drugs. It's an intense feeling, like VROOOM that I've come to like and crave for years. In the past I would deliberately "suffer" through urges so I could have a longer streak so I could have greater urges seeking a more intense high... What more can I say? I'm honestly tired of writing the same shit around here for years. I don't know, I think I have 4 years on Reboot Nation or something like that and I'm still the chronic serial relapser of the forum.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
After 4 days of abstinence, I PMOed again 3 times yesterday evening... And I didn't even feel shit, I don't even know why I did this... This is fuckin ridiculous, I swear. I feel numb, I don't feel anything anymore, I don't even remember when I felt more uplifted the last time... Fuck the counter, it don't mean shit. What's the point in counting the days if I don't even make it to two weeks.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Many guys start out with equally dismal track records. What triggered the binge? What can you do differently? Check out "Clouds & Dirt's" latest for 2 solid ideas.
 
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