Coding the Mind

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 6

I recognize that I'm still an addict in need for long-term recovery. I'm glad I can come up with this mature perspective; I think that on previous occasions by day six I would think of myself as being successful and I would detach myself from the addict label.

Now I'm much more secure of the idea that there's no difference, or just little difference, between day 6 and day 0!

I might feel different. Both from subjective and objective points of views: confidence, productivity, attention, and more. But this is all momentary. If I don't quit forever this is just a short vacation from the hell of addiction. And cutting the relapse-recovery cycle is my main priority, for my main goal is to fully go through my long recovery process towards health.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 7

I'm feeling well but I'm trying to be very careful with the early feeling of the recovery journey. Nothing wrong with taking a few seconds to appreciate the increased levels of attention, confidence, and calmness. And having appreciated them I also recognized other darkest feelings...such as the feeling of loss and absence (meaning the loss of active addiction practices).

I am so used to addiction that it feels like there's something wrong, even if I'm feeling great. And of course there's something wrong, but that's not the absence of addiction practices (for believing that would be a grave error), what's wrong is the addiction itself. This realization helps me to strengthen my conviction and will to continue on my recovery transition, with the goal to fully complete it for life.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
I relapsed most unexpectedly, just once. Will get up and do it better.

I appreciate everyone's support. Sorry for disappointing. And I definitely will continue to improve and continue to fight.

I want to eliminate this from my life forever and clearly I haven't. But I will.

What happened was that I look around to people in real life and I can't hardly seem to feel respect and appreciation for anyone, especially the ones my age. So much debauchery, hedonism, chaos, superficiality, inmaturity and loss. I felt completely overwhelmed and frustrated for it. I'm tired of associating myself with losers, but I don't want to be alone.

The world might have failed me. But I won't fail myself.
 
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Blondie

Respected Member
Sorry for disappointing.
No disappoint here brother. If this was easy, no one would be here.
What happened was that I look around to people in real life and I can't hardly seem to feel respect and appreciation for anyone, especially the ones my age. So much debauchery, hedonism, chaos, superficiality, inmaturity and loss. I felt completely overwhelmed and frustrated for it. I'm tired of associating myself with losers, but I don't want to be alone.
This is a hard place to be in. Because on one hand, you want to be in a good place for yourself, away from the crowd that is "degenerate" and "hedonistic" etc. However, and I had the same problem at your age so I speak from experience, these feelings you're feeling are often full of false pride and anger, which, if you look at that chart I showed you above, are literally just above the emotional frequency of desire and lust, thus, being "judgmental" even if it's correct, can often lead you right back to where you began.

It's a tough road you're on, though, it can be waded through. Try not to be judgmental. Love them because you can all too easily sympathize with them, but be apart from them.

Best
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 1

Indeed. I was feeling prideful in its dark side of expression. And I was angry. It is necessary and crucial for me to learn to control my emotions and cultivate healthier ones if I will fulfill my recovery process.

I can't avoid to see a parallelism between myself and Dorian Gray, the character of Oscar Wilde's novel. He was also corrupted by egotistical worldviews and anger.

I find it difficult to escape the ego or to be humble. I'm drawn to individualist philosophy and I'm influenced by such authors and thinkers.

Anyways. I will continue working to become the person that I would like to have beside me, for in the end I will always be my main life companion.

I'm being tested right now by life and I need to answer that call. I will go through recovery and find health.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 2

Today is such a strange day in the most pleasant of ways. I think I still can't comprehend what it means to me:

I didn't surrendered the love I feel for my coworker. And, unexpectedly, she has agreed to go out with me one day. This means a lot.

What we have going on, what we have both been building, is based on solid ground and guided by love.

Anything can happen, I know. But nothing changes my absolute confidence regarding this woman. I was waiting for so long for her, and will keep waiting for as long as she needs...because there's no need to rush, slow and steady living every moment.

Heck yeah I'm motivated to go on with this journey. I will also continue to build inner motivation, because I'm my most valuable source.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 4

Things are fine overall. I am a bit worried however, since a few of my friends have pointed out that I may not be enough for her...reinforcing some of my own thoughts. The issue with that perspective is that it gets me nowhere!

Certainly, things might not work out. But everything in life has a possibility to fail, it's not in holding on to the possibility of failure that gets man going. With such mentality mankind would never have made it to the moon.

I remain strong and confident, only worried now. And I'm worried because I really want this to work out.
 

CodeTheMind

Active Member
I will take a break from public journaling and continue with my journey through a private diary for a while.

I will return to update on my situation, not exactly sure when (sooner than later).
 
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