Coding the Mind

CodeTheMind

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 6

I recognize that I'm still an addict in need for long-term recovery. I'm glad I can come up with this mature perspective; I think that on previous occasions by day six I would think of myself as being successful and I would detach myself from the addict label.

Now I'm much more secure of the idea that there's no difference, or just little difference, between day 6 and day 0!

I might feel different. Both from subjective and objective points of views: confidence, productivity, attention, and more. But this is all momentary. If I don't quit forever this is just a short vacation from the hell of addiction. And cutting the relapse-recovery cycle is my main priority, for my main goal is to fully go through my long recovery process towards health.
 
CodeTheMind

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 7

I'm feeling well but I'm trying to be very careful with the early feeling of the recovery journey. Nothing wrong with taking a few seconds to appreciate the increased levels of attention, confidence, and calmness. And having appreciated them I also recognized other darkest feelings...such as the feeling of loss and absence (meaning the loss of active addiction practices).

I am so used to addiction that it feels like there's something wrong, even if I'm feeling great. And of course there's something wrong, but that's not the absence of addiction practices (for believing that would be a grave error), what's wrong is the addiction itself. This realization helps me to strengthen my conviction and will to continue on my recovery transition, with the goal to fully complete it for life.
 
CodeTheMind

CodeTheMind

Active Member
I relapsed most unexpectedly, just once. Will get up and do it better.

I appreciate everyone's support. Sorry for disappointing. And I definitely will continue to improve and continue to fight.

I want to eliminate this from my life forever and clearly I haven't. But I will.

What happened was that I look around to people in real life and I can't hardly seem to feel respect and appreciation for anyone, especially the ones my age. So much debauchery, hedonism, chaos, superficiality, inmaturity and loss. I felt completely overwhelmed and frustrated for it. I'm tired of associating myself with losers, but I don't want to be alone.

The world might have failed me. But I won't fail myself.
 
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Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
CodeTheMind said:
Sorry for disappointing.
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No disappoint here brother. If this was easy, no one would be here.
CodeTheMind said:
What happened was that I look around to people in real life and I can't hardly seem to feel respect and appreciation for anyone, especially the ones my age. So much debauchery, hedonism, chaos, superficiality, inmaturity and loss. I felt completely overwhelmed and frustrated for it. I'm tired of associating myself with losers, but I don't want to be alone.
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This is a hard place to be in. Because on one hand, you want to be in a good place for yourself, away from the crowd that is "degenerate" and "hedonistic" etc. However, and I had the same problem at your age so I speak from experience, these feelings you're feeling are often full of false pride and anger, which, if you look at that chart I showed you above, are literally just above the emotional frequency of desire and lust, thus, being "judgmental" even if it's correct, can often lead you right back to where you began.

It's a tough road you're on, though, it can be waded through. Try not to be judgmental. Love them because you can all too easily sympathize with them, but be apart from them.

Best
 
CodeTheMind

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 1

Indeed. I was feeling prideful in its dark side of expression. And I was angry. It is necessary and crucial for me to learn to control my emotions and cultivate healthier ones if I will fulfill my recovery process.

I can't avoid to see a parallelism between myself and Dorian Gray, the character of Oscar Wilde's novel. He was also corrupted by egotistical worldviews and anger.

I find it difficult to escape the ego or to be humble. I'm drawn to individualist philosophy and I'm influenced by such authors and thinkers.

Anyways. I will continue working to become the person that I would like to have beside me, for in the end I will always be my main life companion.

I'm being tested right now by life and I need to answer that call. I will go through recovery and find health.
 
CodeTheMind

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 2

Today is such a strange day in the most pleasant of ways. I think I still can't comprehend what it means to me:

I didn't surrendered the love I feel for my coworker. And, unexpectedly, she has agreed to go out with me one day. This means a lot.

What we have going on, what we have both been building, is based on solid ground and guided by love.

Anything can happen, I know. But nothing changes my absolute confidence regarding this woman. I was waiting for so long for her, and will keep waiting for as long as she needs...because there's no need to rush, slow and steady living every moment.

Heck yeah I'm motivated to go on with this journey. I will also continue to build inner motivation, because I'm my most valuable source.
 
CodeTheMind

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 4

Things are fine overall. I am a bit worried however, since a few of my friends have pointed out that I may not be enough for her...reinforcing some of my own thoughts. The issue with that perspective is that it gets me nowhere!

Certainly, things might not work out. But everything in life has a possibility to fail, it's not in holding on to the possibility of failure that gets man going. With such mentality mankind would never have made it to the moon.

I remain strong and confident, only worried now. And I'm worried because I really want this to work out.
 
CodeTheMind

CodeTheMind

Active Member
I will take a break from public journaling and continue with my journey through a private diary for a while.

I will return to update on my situation, not exactly sure when (sooner than later).
 
CodeTheMind

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day I

Unfortunately I remain unable and unwilling to fully quit this drug. There's not much to say, I decided to return here because I hit rock bottom once again.

Nothing terrible happened. I was dating a woman (we dated for around a month) and yesterday I decided for us to go on different paths. Basically it didn't worked out, she is a good one but I simply have no feelings nor desire for her.

What is done is done. I am happy that I was able to give it a shot. For someone who had been struggling a lot to find a healthy woman this is a refreshing experience.

I do realize that I was not the best version of myself during the time we dated. And I wonder if I had been free from addiction I would have seen things differently, and acted differently perhaps?

I feel unhealthy at the moment, both physically and mentally. And it is my will to start to regain my true self through self improvement and self acceptance.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Sorry that you're feeling like you've hit rock bottom @CodeTheMind, I've been there before. It say much that you came back though.
CodeTheMind said:
What is done is done. I am happy that I was able to give it a shot. For someone who had been struggling a lot to find a healthy woman this is a refreshing experience.
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I think it's great that you got out there and made something happen, and even if it wasn't what you completely had in mind for the long term, it was an experience you can build on in the future.

Best
 
CodeTheMind

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Blondie said:
Sorry that you're feeling like you've hit rock bottom @CodeTheMind, I've been there before. It say much that you came back though.

I think it's great that you got out there and made something happen, and even if it wasn't what you completely had in mind for the long term, it was an experience you can build on in the future.

Best
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Thanks, sincerely.

I agree, and I am proud of myself for this year that is reaching its end. I've done way better in comparison to my past self and I wish to continue forward.

Self acceptance is as important as self improvement.

I know pain and confusion are just momentary experiences. And as much as I must accept them I must move forward from them.
 
CodeTheMind

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day II

I've been thinking how silly it is to be addicted to masturbation, pornography and sex for so long.

It just sounds very silly. It cannot be possible that my main problem in life now and for so many years has been something as stupid and real as this.

It's a compulsive and immature behavior based on low frequency cognition. I will put the right amount of time and energy needed to get rid of this!
 
CodeTheMind

CodeTheMind

Active Member
SmokenMirrors said:
You've got this man. Do you have anyone in your life who could be an accountability partner? I always found that posting in my journal daily helped me to keep away from the filth
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Thanks for the support. To answer your question, not really. I only have myself- and even though I could ask for external help I feel people wouldn't get me.
 
CodeTheMind

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 1 (again).

Today I went through the culmination of a series of realizations.

I am exactly where I should be. My very own nature, my decisions, my destiny (if I believe in destiny), is what brought me here. And what is here? The place of addiction. Doom.

I do not believe nor feel that doom is my final destination. So despite not having yet conquered, I'm about to.
 
CodeTheMind

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Day 2

I had forgotten how difficult this is some days. But it is a matter of perspective, since I can also say that I had forgotten how good this is for me (if I succeed).

I focus on my goals, and at this point the most important goals are peace and health.
 
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