Coding the Mind

[CodeTheMind]

Day 1

You're right @Androg at least I tried. I feel like at least I've learned a lot of useful things about myself in this difficult process.
Just to put an example I am now highly confident when interacting with beautiful women and do quite well on that area of initial approaches.

However, after having established that friendship I wanted with the model I dated, I got some inspiring words from her. She has basically convinced me to focus solely on myself as my main priority until I feel mature and complete enough. The extended version of my conversation with her made me realize that I wasn't trying things the right way, or not as hard as I could have tried. And one sign of that was my highly sporadic but yet real use of prostitutes; that was incompatible with wanting to have a serious relationship, so I officially gave up on prostitutes just recently. Now I will try hard enough to succeed!

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 1

An overall productive and healthy day. I'm starting to get ready for an amazing month of July in which I will test and go beyond my physical, emotional and psychological limits.

I have a set of objectives and they are highly difficult to achieve simultaneously, so this is going to be the highest and hardest mountain for me to climb up!

There's a lot brewing right now within me and I am experiencing it at its fullest.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 2

Today I realized a lot of things about myself. Mainly realizations about my own complexity as a human.

There's a lot of curiosity within me as well, which is good I suppose. However, although I am secure in feeling lost, I do feel lost and I don't really know what to do with this perspective I have about myself and life.

I feel deeply alone as well. People who like me and care about me are a big disappointment, and I don't know why. There are those who have my most sincere respect, but those are the people who don't see me as an equal.

I don't know...I feel I am very strange and I have accepted it...but I don't know what to do with this. Maybe I'm not strange at all, and it's all in my imagination.

I don't know. I feel I know nothing. And I am secure about that, I'm not admitting my ignorance in desperation but rather in sheer honesty. I do wish for life to provide me with enough experiences and opportunities, and so far it has been an empty life in the most part; I don't know if that is destiny or just something I'm not seeing right.

 

[Androg]

Day 2

Today I realized a lot of things about myself. Mainly realizations about my own complexity as a human.

There's a lot of curiosity within me as well, which is good I suppose. However, although I am secure in feeling lost, I do feel lost and I don't really know what to do with this perspective I have about myself and life.

I feel deeply alone as well. People who like me and care about me are a big disappointment, and I don't know why. There are those who have my most sincere respect, but those are the people who don't see me as an equal.

I don't know...I feel I am very strange and I have accepted it...but I don't know what to do with this. Maybe I'm not strange at all, and it's all in my imagination.

I don't know. I feel I know nothing. And I am secure about that, I'm not admitting my ignorance in desperation but rather in sheer honesty. I do wish for life to provide me with enough experiences and opportunities, and so far it has been an empty life in the most part; I don't know if that is destiny or just something I'm not seeing right.

Honestly, for a week or so after a relapse, weird feelings like those you describe are typical. I wouldn’t try to analyze anything for a couple of weeks.

 

[arcana]

I had such feelings for 10-15 years all the time of my addiction, I didn't even know where the legs of this problem were growing from, it's all low sensitivity of the brain and hormonal failure that occurs after a large oversaturation.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 0

I will try to be consistent with journaling once again. I put my hopes in Journaling:

Correct guys. It seems I am at a stage of high emotional and hormonal instability. My logic tells me to seek out growth in solitude -until I am healed- but my brain is such a mess that it leads me towards a whirlpool of emotions. My brain wants to seek out experience at all costs, even when it willingly knows that the experience will be damaging.

I'm having a hard time to make sense of things, especially my relationships with people -mainly women- and in figuring out what is my place in those relationships. Where do I stand in life? Do I even matter? These are the most recurring questions.

I'm also plagued with the effect of the consequences of my actions. I feel that logical karma has caught up with me. In the end it was I who seeked out porn and prostitutes for this while, I feeded my own fantasies, and now the world I created is colliding with the world of reality.

My reality is therefore distorted. Part of me is waiting for a miracle, for someone to come and heal me, but it appears only I can heal myself...for to heal means to enter my world of fantasy and take me out of there, and only I have access to this personal world I'm trapped in.

But leaving is like leaving wonderland. So whenever I do leave, I just don't find anything that interesting to do or to experience.

The thought of doing drugs or alcohol has crossed my mind (I never did drugs nor drank alcohol). And of course I won't do this, I'm strong enough to avoid falling in new addictions...but the thoughts speak for themselves about how real it is the biochemical need for experience. However, I can't dumb this down to the dopamine argument, for I believe this is much deeper than that. Or perhaps not, perhaps it is a highly superficial issue!

If it is a superficial issue then I have been doing things the wrong way. Because I cannot solve superficiality with profundity nor with emotions. I cannot solve an exterior problem by sinking in the deepest corners of my mind.

How to avoid profundity though? That's the question. I often get called by the profundity of fantasy when I get hit by the arrow of Cupid. Or by the inspiration that art gives me. How to, IF, avoid those things? Or how to handle them correctly? They are fine for a while, a great inspiration for my days, but my dreams always end up crashing and there and then is when I relapse. As long as I have love and art in my life I can do everything...but when I lack that then I truly struggle.

 

[Androg]

Day 0

I will try to be consistent with journaling once again. I put my hopes in Journaling:

Correct guys. It seems I am at a stage of high emotional and hormonal instability. My logic tells me to seek out growth in solitude -until I am healed- but my brain is such a mess that it leads me towards a whirlpool of emotions. My brain wants to seek out experience at all costs, even when it willingly knows that the experience will be damaging.

I'm having a hard time to make sense of things, especially my relationships with people -mainly women- and in figuring out what is my place in those relationships. Where do I stand in life? Do I even matter? These are the most recurring questions.

I'm also plagued with the effect of the consequences of my actions. I feel that logical karma has caught up with me. In the end it was I who seeked out porn and prostitutes for this while, I feeded my own fantasies, and now the world I created is colliding with the world of reality.

My reality is therefore distorted. Part of me is waiting for a miracle, for someone to come and heal me, but it appears only I can heal myself...for to heal means to enter my world of fantasy and take me out of there, and only I have access to this personal world I'm trapped in.

But leaving is like leaving wonderland. So whenever I do leave, I just don't find anything that interesting to do or to experience.

The thought of doing drugs or alcohol has crossed my mind (I never did drugs nor drank alcohol). And of course I won't do this, I'm strong enough to avoid falling in new addictions...but the thoughts speak for themselves about how real it is the biochemical need for experience. However, I can't dumb this down to the dopamine argument, for I believe this is much deeper than that. Or perhaps not, perhaps it is a highly superficial issue!

If it is a superficial issue then I have been doing things the wrong way. Because I cannot solve superficiality with profundity nor with emotions. I cannot solve an exterior problem by sinking in the deepest corners of my mind.

How to avoid profundity though? That's the question. I often get called by the profundity of fantasy when I get hit by the arrow of Cupid. Or by the inspiration that art gives me. How to, IF, avoid those things? Or how to handle them correctly? They are fine for a while, a great inspiration for my days, but my dreams always end up crashing and there and then is when I relapse. As long as I have love and art in my life I can do everything...but when I lack that then I truly struggle.

Do you think you need an in person support group, and 90 days of sobriety, with a sponsor?

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 1

I haven't thought of that @Androg ... I don't know how that works and the least I could do is research about it.

Today I begin again and I know that I need to do things differently or risk failing again. The amount of abstinence I need to get out of this addiction involves not just abstinence to P, M or sex... but also, sadly, abstinence from dating or giving a chance to romance. I will give up any hope on that until I feel healed from addiction because I cannot offer an incomplete and damaged version of myself to someone, and also because whenever dating fails that makes me way too emotionaly unstable and become highly motivated to relapse.

Ideally, if I had someone to love and who loved me...in a stable and healthy manner...I know that that would be the medicine for me tackling this addiction. However, I cannot use another person as medicine...I need to be my own medicine -which is harder to do, and yet so much rewarding- because if I can create my own healing then the strength and the man that would come from that will only be owned by myself...and then I would be complete.

Alright, here I go.

 

[Androg]

My thought is that too much rumination inside your own head is holding you back. That's why I suggest a way you can get thoughtful input from people IRL - or people in a more structured online group - who are dealing with the same struggle. You need input from outside the "box" of your own brain.

A forum just isn't as good as real life connections. We don't mind (much) letting down our anonymous forum buds, but when someone we know cares about our progress...we tend to up our game.

 

[Androg]

A therapist I respect recommends this 12-step group: http://spaa-recovery.org/

 

[CodeTheMind]

Yep. I am way too much inside my own head and that is why I think I need to see things differently this time. Thanks for the suggestion I will check it out.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 2

Alright I feel that I remain committed, that is good. I'm glad that a new month of the year begins bringing with it the opportunity for a clean beginning.

This month is going to be highly demanding on me but I am willingly pursuing the challenges, so hopefully if I maintain the right attitude I will succeed.

I really want to give this a 90 day approach. I think that amount of time can create an impact in my life. I guess 90 days is easier than 1000 or 10000 days...and at the same time it is difficult enough to suppose a level of difficulty that will force me to grow and be at my best level. OK I guess I can do this, with no pressure on what happens at day 91 (even if I relapse).

90 days is certainly a lot of time for me. Well I'm already 2 days in, 88 left.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 3

I almost failed already in the early morning. Semi-conscious states are the worst. It is terrible to find out how weak the mind can be...and how unlogical some thought patterns are.

Well I survive that has to mean something! I need to keep surviving.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Doing well in life, definitely better than what it was just a few months ago on many areas.
Highly happy of course, it would really mean something if I could also tackle this addiction so here I go: I continue.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 6

Hi, I'm back!

Still fighting to be entirely clean from addiction to masturbation, pornography, and sex. Doing well at the present moment and highly hopeful for the future.

This is the best year I've had in a while...it's actually one of the best years of my life. I have a decent job with good future opportunities that are way over my official education background (so I'm very lucky to have my job and to be doing so well), I have friends now and I am way more social than I used to be in the past, I have a very healthy lifestyle that has improved my overall mentality and confidence for life (intense Muay Thay practice, no drugs, no alcohol but in social instances, overall healthy nutrition, no smoking). All other bad habits I had (videogame addiction, internet addiction, general unproductive activities) have long ago been extinguished from my life .

I developed a friendship with the model/actress that I dated a few months ago. She left to work in another country so we don't see each other anymore, but we have sporadic intense conversations and we are helping each other so much! She was the one who indirectly motivated me to be confident enough to search for my job, and also was a huge inspiration for the development of a strong, mature, and male mindset. Now, I became strong enough to the point that she noticed and opened up to me on her problems and I've had the opportunity to help her out as well.

Moreover, she also gave me an amazing relationship advice, since I had shared with her that I was struggling on that area (the issue is that I cannot find a stable relationship, which was what I wanted and still want for my life)...

She said something obvious but back then it hadn't crossed my mind. She basically told me to stop dating girls, and to start dating women. Very simple indeed. I was dating immature people, so I eventually realized how wise were her words to me.

And as soon as I made the internal decision to follow her advice a true WOMAN has appeared in my life. Nothing has happened, we are in the early stages of interaction (btw she is a coworker). There's just such a natural flow between us that it seems divine. Of course she is older than me (she's 29, I'm 23)...which scares me to death (what scares me is that I don't want her to find me too young for her).

I admire her. She is very cute, so feminine, so graceful. She seems to have a healthy mind which is so important nowadays, and a good heart...and she also seems to be highly demanding, she has a lot of self-love.

It's just too early and I am already making weeding plans in my head . We have just started to know each other and talking about going out. Whatever the future holds for me, I'm very grateful for the last few days, for at least for the last three days of my life she has made me feel the happiest and luckiest man alive.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 7

Felt vulnerable all day, but I went through it. It is strange how a young man who is accepting the challenges of life head-on can, so suddenly, feel vulnerable.

I suppose that's one of the effects of infatuation for a female + quitting an addiction at the same time.

I certainly don't like to feel vulnerable but I can't hide the fact that I do feel that way. I'm confident that this is a momentary feeling and that I will grow out of it.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 4

Tough days. I feel like a grown ass man in some aspects and like a child in other aspects. Maybe that's common when you're 23, but I don't want to settle for what's common, I want to reach higher.

I find the human proclivity for searching for the divine in our lives both fascinating and terrifying. At least I have this tendency to look for destiny, metaphysics, the divine, the obscure, the mythical, etc... And honestly, I think that tendency is ruining the potential I have for my life.

I wish I could interpret things in a better and healthier manner, yet I am not doing so. I really wish I was a better man and a better person. And I definitely wish to continue changing my life, hopefully exponentially. However, right now, I'm feeling the weight of suffering over my shoulders.

Suffering doesn't means I won't fight. I will. But will I win?

 

[Androg]

You'll find your way to engage in inner listening. In my experience, it's clearer when we're not in withdrawal or using. So relax for a week or two.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 1

I decided to look within myself to find peace there. And I have found it. To find peace is better to find answers at this moment of my life.

I did some restructuring and I think I'm ready to take on this challenge again. This year I've done better than 2022, so that's something positive to appreciate. I still can't manage long streaks, at least I do manage a lot of short ones (which helps to reduce the frequency or masturbation and porn consumption by a lot).

I will continue with this approach and will keep looking within myself.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day II

It is good to learn not to depend on anyone else for my happiness and fulfillment. To even in company seek moments of solitude, and to learn from my inner-self...often so silent, often so hidden. And to build within me the gardens and fortresses that circle my inner flame, to guard it and fill it with life.