Saving the Soul

[SaveTheSoul]

Hey @CodeTheMind, you got this man.

Those are good goals, and not looking at porn will help you in that.

Thanks Blondie,

I'm hopeful. Wishing to reach a point where I can think of porn as just something from my past (perhaps I could start now). That with each step I take porn will occupy less of my thoughts, less of my dreams and memories, less of my desires.

My objective is to unmask the worms that ley beneath the enticing surface of addiction.

All of this would be a wonderful breakthrough.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 3

I'm happy for these small victories. Starting to gain confidence and most importantly peace again. Detachment from pornography is possible, slow and steady.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

I'm back, but first...

Why I quitted this journey? The struggle is always on my mind and it can be hard sometimes. I think that I lost my motivation! Here are a few key points that have prolonged my downfall:

I learned to live with the addiction, but that was a trick my mind was playing to itself. Let me explain; my mind found a way to cope with porn and masturbation, to keep its dose while still performing through the days under a certain cloud that lied "everything is going well". Basically, I thought I could handle life with the addiction.

A key factor in my detriment has been not desiring the benefits that quitting provides. When I started many years ago I was young and naive, highly sensitive and hopeful, so the promises of the success this journey brings to one's life definitely got me hooked. I was in it for the feeling, for the hero story, looking forward to a bright future that would involve me being highly successful with women and developing high social skills + extreme work productivity and academic performance.

After the years went by and I enjoyed some of the benefits of this journey (but certainly not all and not to the full extend I could have if I had fully succeeded) I also stopped believing in the power of the forbidden fruits. I was in it for the pay but realized I wanted no money. Meaning, I was in it for the benefits but realized I didn't wanted them. And here it becomes deeply philosophical! Why wouldn't I want success? Of course I wanted to taste success, but once I did, I didn't wanted it. The problem is that if I reject success then I am left with failure. And logic leads me to believe I don't want failure neither. Or do I? What a predicament! I should want success, but is seems so strange that I need to convince myself to actively seek it, to convince myself to want it. Is it because the cost is too high?

Certainly I cannot provide solutions to this deep dilemma. But what I can do is open myself to the present moment of reality, put a smile on my face, and follow whatever intuition has led me back here to continue with my journey. I feel like whatever I did before needs to change, and I mean in the deepest aspect of behavior, where intentions come from (the heart, the essence of the mind). The childish reasons that motivated my previous attempts cannot be the same that will fuel my final victory. I have to go very deep within my soul and find the star of guidance for my transformation.

Hope everyone is doing well!

 

[Blondie]

I understand this @CodeTheMind.

I do think we have to ask ourselves how bad do we want this? And furthermore, what uncomfortableness are we willing to face to achieve it? I also think that although there are many "benefits" to doing this journey, we can sometimes miss the forest for the trees in seeking them out, especially for their ends only. I know for myself, the first time I got past 90 days I was riding this high that was truly amazing, I thought I could conquer the world, but then the reality of my life and the fact that I was so unhappy with so much of it, eventually caught up to me and I caved in. The highs are great, especially at first, but then you have to work on yourself and your life, and of course, that is easier said than done. I'm still working on that part.

Best

 

[SaveTheSoul]

I understand this @CodeTheMind.

I do think we have to ask ourselves how bad do we want this? And furthermore, what uncomfortableness are we willing to face to achieve it? I also think that although there are many "benefits" to doing this journey, we can sometimes miss the forest for the trees in seeking them out, especially for their ends only. I know for myself, the first time I got past 90 days I was riding this high that was truly amazing, I thought I could conquer the world, but then the reality of my life and the fact that I was so unhappy with so much of it, eventually caught up to me and I caved in. The highs are great, especially at first, but then you have to work on yourself and your life, and of course, that is easier said than done. I'm still working on that part.

Best

Yes, there are many layers to peeling this onion. I'm glad you were able to experience good things, keep doing great!

To me, wanting things for just wanting them has lost its meaning, and not finding truer meaning caused a lot of struggle. I can picture myself with the best possible and realistic outcome in a year from now and I just don't want it. Perhaps my brain is so messed up that I lack basic motivation for rewards. But to me this is a deeper issue, spiritual-and I am very skeptic on this topic. But yes...I think the gold is no longer looking appealing to me, and it may be a good thing honestly. A detachment from the dark aspects of the ego? I don't know. The most honest answer I can give to all my rambling is I do not know anything.

Good thing is I succeeded a whole day. It had been a long time since...

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Slowly getting some motivation back! I have to work a lot on myself, a lot! That idea of finding something within me is the most powerful idea I have come up with recently. I have to trust this inner something, put my trust in it. Just thinking about it brings a smile to my face and a feeling of peace! Energy will start flowing once again. Things will work out.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Doing better. I reflected a bit on my recent posts and I managed to get myself out of surrender mentality. I no longer want to give up on the challenges of life, which basically was what I did-I just didn't wanted to play by the rules and quitted living my life. Now I am thinking that despite me not liking all that this world has to offer I still will choose to participate in my life and do everything in my power to have a walk through this earth as worthy as I can make it.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

I notice my mind is very sexualized! When I go to sleep, when I wake up, at random moments... I wish it was not like this, it would certainly make my life easier. Not only I have a porn addiction, I also have a sex addiction; the worst part of this is when I try to quit one I default back to the other (so I must quit both, luckily for me I do want to quit both).

I do envy those people who have a much more balanced libido and also have stronger morals that help them out in restraining from imprudent behavior. Unfortunately I don't have such morals; or at least I don't think I have them. I also fall for the wrong women, and I guess I am the male version of falling for the "bad boys" that women experience, in my case falling for "bad girls". Not that I am having any social interaction with the opposite sex at the present moment. I am taking a break from that, having seen how threatening my bad choices can be for my emotional health and all of that.

Just venting I suppose. Wish that my subconscious mind would go easier on me, but it does not. The thought of me being a lost cause has crossed my mind, and it is an honest thought. Not that I believe that, but logic makes me admit that possibility. Of course, it is one possible outcome of many possible outcomes.

Modern people are bashed in with information and content. I cant even focus with all the crap and micro addictions I have developed (videogames, social media, streaming services, you name it). Feel like I need a retirement from post-modernity, because I am trapped. Go back to my books, my writing, my meditation, my workout.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

PART I

Life is going well in all but this demonic problem! It persists, clinged to me, draining my soul with its dark fangs.

And yet, good stuff is happening with me and my life, that I find the strength to come back and try to bring battle to this again (not that I haven't been fighting in my absence from the forum, but alas, to no avail).

PART II



1. Sadly, not only I have a problem with pornography but also with prostitutes. In my absence, I have tried dating normal women, but I haven't found anyone that truly guides my compass. I went through many heartbreaks in my early youth that filled me with resentment and shattered all my hopes.

Why I go? It's the rush; I'm young, and the rush of going with attractive women with no compromise whatsoever, and just chasing the elixir of their attention (to, in a way, make them fall for me)...is addictive. Some are just in it for the money or just don't like me, but others welcome the experience. If prostitutes didn't provided me with something special, then I wouldn't return; I've had some bad experiences, but I have had some very good ones (to the point of not having to pay, to getting discounts, to getting invited to their homes, to getting asked on a few dates, to getting that special girlfriend experience treatment).

What a charade! I'm so disgusted at all of that. It's all a masquerade, a fantasy; not that it didn't happened, but whatever happens in the world of the shadows belongs to the shadows. All the things they did, only got me more hooked with the lifestyle (I was even asked by a few to do pornography, or even to prostitute myself since they said I would make money...and silly me I considered it, but gladly haven't gone through with it), and my soul has been consumed in the process. With each time, be it a bad or a good experience, my soul cracked a bit more. No wonder I cannot feel attracted to regular women I might date here and there.

I have been aware of this for a while, so I tried to find a middle ground. I knew just sticking to porn would be prejudicial, because porn has a much more depressive effect on me. I feel like a loser relapsing to porn, and I feel quite different relapsing with a woman that is enjoying my company (even though it is, like I stated, a charade).

I made the reasoning that my life was better with the company of prostitutes than with the company of porn, even if just by the difference of having someone to talk with. But I realized that I didn't wanted to be chasing the high of different women, I wanted to "settle", to find just one woman and have the most human-like realistic experience one can have when paying for sex (if it is even possible). So, I cut all ties but with one woman, and I tried to see her sporadically (so as to keep myself in check). Turns out I start seeing this woman for more than a prostitute, and start seeing her as a human being. The masks fall off and the realization kicks in. I am "falling in love" with someone who is sleeping with many other men. I don't have any fetish about it, I just find it disgusting. Then I have a conversation with her: turns out she has economic problems and works out of necessity, or so she reasons, and I cannot be of support to her since I cannot take her away from that life. She suggests we should just keep doing the same for now.

More than one year ago, I went on a date with an actress, no prostitute btw (registered that experience somewhere in the depths of this very journal). Keep in mind that I haven't seen her since (she changed her number and I never got the new one), and I have not spoken with her to this point of the story. Here and there I might think of her, as an inspiration and reminder of kinder days, but nothing more.

I also wanted to write a book, but then decided to change my story to a play; when I did this it offered new possibilities for new characters and plotlines, and I remembered her...so I created a character inspired by her. This happened a few days before my conversation with the prostitute I was seeing.

After the conversation, that very night, I felt like hitting rock bottom. I was trying to decide what I wanted to do regarding this situation. Should I suggest her to do Onlyfans or something like that, as a way to get her away from classic prostitution? Should I keep seeing her, in hopes that things would change? Should I try to wait for her to stop working? Should I stop? Should I stop everything, man up, get my life on the right track? What should I do regarding her, a person I care for? As the minutes passed, my thoughts got deeper. That night I was an atheist/agnostic...and the people who know me know that I wouldn't be praying to God, whatever God. And yet I did. I asked God to show me the way. And I went to sleep.

Next morning I wake up and first thing I see is a text message from an unknown number, turns out it is the actress I dated more than one year ago and that just that very week I had created a character inspired by her for my play (this was unknown to everyone). For the last few days we had the deepest conversation (through text, she is living far from me), a conversation as friends. She also spoke about God. Anyways, the moment I saw her first message I knew God had answered my prayer.

And calm your horses; I do not even think this means she is the way, or that this means she is the woman of my life...it could very well be so, but I interpret it with more caution for now...I just think she serves as a vessel for me to wake up, her help and inspiration is something I very much needed. The first time I met her, she had a profound positive impact on my life, and so she does now.

I must take a breath now. A deep one. Now I pray for me to be capable of doing my part. God might have shown me the way, but I must walk it. And it is a hard path. That is why I return here, in hopes of finally kicking this demon out of me. I even relapsed during these whole series of events, which speaks of how weak I am. I hand myself over to recovery once again.

Day 1.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Ok, so I am moving on from my dark lifestyle. I know this is going to be very difficult, it is the hard road. I am breathing deep and putting all my hope in kicking this demon out and becoming a better man. Today I am sad because I had to cut ties with some people, the woman I was seeing, everything needs to be cut. And it makes me sad, naturally.

But I believe this is for the best, not just for me but for everybody. I am not sure what comes next, and not knowing makes me highly emotional, making me wonder if I am doing all that is in my power and even all the right decisions.

I hope things get better

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Oh, as if things couldn't get more challenging, now a woman who just got divorced is flirting with me. I met her like two years ago and back then I was sure she wanted to cheat on her husband with me, as soon as I heard she had a husband I walked away (mostly because I knew they had kids together). However, after two years not talking with me she is now telling me (after a friendly catching up conversation) that she cheated on her husband with someone else and now is divorced, proceeds to flirt with me.

To be honest I was the one who spoke to her to check on her, since I heard she was divorced. But I was expecting to find out her husband cheated or something, and was highly surprised that she just openly said that she cheated on him after just a few texts...besides, my relationship with her is of acquaintances, this is not something you say to an acquaintance who is just catching up lol.

I think God is challenging me too hard. I have of course flirted back, and was aroused by the whole situation, to be honest. Now I am trying to calm myself down and think things better. It feels way too difficult to fight this war in so many different fronts.

As soon as I say that I want to move away from the dark lifestyle another opportunity arises. I am even thinking to myself ¨hey I deserve this, let me have this one at least¨ but I am doubting if it is just a challenge. I don´t want to deny life, I want to live. This is so difficult!

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 1 (again)

All I opened up these last few days was too much for me to handle and I relapsed. But as I am writing this I do feel a bit released. Somehow I feel more sure of what is going on and, well...how I might be reasoning things in a damaging way. I went through a troubling inner week.

I hope God will not forsake me, as I forsaken Him so many times.

I think I am ready for what is to come, new challenges for sure.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day one?

I know that I relapsed once since Wednesday. I don't remember when it was since I have been with a fever! I will restart the counter now, a few days don't make a difference.

Despite sickness I am doing inner spiritual progress. I am happy to be closer to God (Oh how far still!), it is a small victory. I've matured, not everything is as captivating as before, I am not so eager to jump into the spiral soup of chaotic contamination. In my experience, there are two battles in addiction-a spiritual battle and a physical battle.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 1

Almost made it yesterday. But, when I went to sleep I spent the following hour in a dreamlike and yet awake sexual delirium, unwittingly remembering a former lover. I wasn't relapsing then, but it made me so concerned that later on I relapsed. Looks like I decided to drive the shadows back to the cave. Those monsters linger, ever present.

Uh...this is so complicated. I had hoped that making necessary changes, and necessary leaps of faith was enough. But clearly, this demands so much more out of me. I will give it!

For now, I think the best is to set small goals, achievable goals. A back to basics program. The memories of longer streaks I made in the past and their massive positive effects are unfortunately not helping me get out of this hole, if anything they are holding me back. So...new self, new life, new goals.

Goal: to be humble and open to change, to be brave despite unreadiness for battle, to make it past day one into day two.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

I try to seek refuge in this writings just a minute. I am challenged physically, spiritually, and emotionally. It feels bad because it makes my daily activities more difficult to accomplish, feeling trapped in a machine of torture.

I do know that this is a momentary -albeit recurring- feeling. If I go through it it will get better...not great, not excellent, only less tortuous. Good. My hopes are handed over to the ease of pain, if it equals to right sacrifice and effort.

I seek God! I am glad for this opportunity.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Quiet reflection on the desert state:

A vagabond wanders the sands of solitude,
His mind a whirlwind; the mirage inside.
Thirst breeds thirst; seeds beget the thorny flora,
And from poisonous plants he drinks, the toxic plethora.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 2

Like a kid journeying out to adventure I went past day 1 and reached day 2, narrowly. I am still at the garden of the village, with a long and dangerous journey ahead. Today I feel emboldened, yet I know my sword is made of straw. But this is no time to tremble, I will stick to small and achievable goals, with as much humility I can muster. Next goal is simple, to succeed this second day and reach the third day. And to do so with faith in God and openness, with a smile in the face of adversity. And to start focusing more on the structure of creative endeavors.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 1

Made it past a few more days but relapsed eventually. I start again. I find the internet more challenging than what it was a few years back. Now there are triggers everywhere. Even on Youtube or X, which are the only two platforms I use and I considered the less of many evils. But now those feeds are assaulted with sexual triggers, and if it is not an explicit image/video it is something that makes me depressed and prone to relapse. For example, there are many videos showcasing immoral behavior, that make one lose hope.

While reviewing my recent efforts I find my commitment lacking. There is commitment, everything I wrote in my recent entries is true and comes out of my deepest self. But, there hasn't been enough commitment. I suppose the problem arises because I do not have enough faith or hope that I will get to live a better life without PMO. At least not in the short run.

I am a wannabe artist and the artistic life is complicated. Inspiration, high highs and low lows, it all makes for a complicated recovery process. I am in contact with an actress I dated a long time ago and we speak daily (she lives in another country now), we both talk with each other out of selfish search for inspiration, and the basic need of human contact. At this point my relationship with her is merely spiritual and inspirational. And there is a lot of good stuff that brings me...

Having someone to talk to who is not a complete stranger, that's nice. But the dream-like quality of our interactions leaves me stranded in the real world (despite the very real materialization of artistic inspiration). Having someone who matches with me so deeply and makes all my strings tremble...and at the same time having her so far away, it causes uncertainty. She will visit soon, and while I don't expect anything to happen between us, her arrival causes uncertainty. I feel at a crossroads because I know that this could be the very motivation I need to get a good streak going...however, on the other hand, I am concerned that if I do act towards that way...then I would be affirming something which is not necessarily correct (making my mind think that something could happen between her and I, which would be tricking myself, and once the lie is discovered my mind will make me pay the price). Ha, I feel really stupid. All this honesty, openness and self-knowledge and I cannot get myself out of a knot.

I pray to God that my head will be enlightened by the Heavens as I sleep so I can find some clarity.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 1

I've been working on my commitment. Yes, I am stuck but I think I have made some internal progress regarding whether I wish to continue fighting despite failure or not. And the answer is yes! I am more committed to living a life without PMO. And I will keep working on building this commitment.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

With day 1 completed I wanted to open up about my sadness. The quitting process is difficult. It gets harder before it gets better. Trying to fall asleep is very difficult: the nights are the worst part, I am invaded by a dark cloud every night of abstinence. It feels like a limbo state-almost hellish.

I wanted to do a couple of things. First, to acknowledge the sad aspect of things. This is done with the approach of honesty and respect to the damaged soul. Second, to continue to work on moving on from the sad aspect of things. This is done with the approach of bravery and self-love that are needed to stir the boat in the right direction. This way I try to align balance with the recovery process.

To do this I will go back to Recovery Nation workshop and start doing the lessons here from scratch. I will not do them every day, only during those days I am strong enough to do it. Aside from this I also want to establish a set of daily steps to follow, as a way to work on my cognitive behavior. The set of daily steps include:

1. Prayer. And in my prayer to include: a moment to talk with God about my addiction related sins, to ask for forgiveness, and to ask for help. I will ask for help every single day and I will invite God into my life.

2. Conscious cognitive work. I will list (maybe here or privately) three things that are phycological triggers and I will face them. In facing them I will restructure those thoughts into healthier ones, and I will build a wall that will protect me from relapsing. This phycological triggers are generally things that cause inner frustration, resentment, anger, jealousy, etc.

For example: I am resented at how many women and men so easily capitalize sexual content, and it angers me that both society and private platforms provide such a clear path for them to exploit individuals with weakness of P consumption. This particular cause for resentment and anger has made me relapse uncountable times. Funny how I succumb to the very thing that causes my damnation! A way to restructure the negative thoughts would be to have more compassion and less hate towards the people I resent. Understanding that just as I sin, they sin. In this way I learn to see them differently and the resentment starts to go away. Another thing is to think about their apparent easy road to success as merely a mirage. Not everything is what it appears, and social media paints their lives in a way that is unrealistic; I can actually relate to this from a personal experience (one can appear to have a great life and enjoy the benefits of sinful conduct but on the inside those things have no value and it is actually a way sadder reality). That's it for now, this is a good example as to how do some cognitive work.

3. Imagination work. I will imagine a situation in which I am sexually triggered and I will apply the method of dematerialization through imagination. This is the ancient technique of imagining the person that attracts me but without skin-a highly effective method to counter sexual arousal.

4. Gratitude. I will list seven to ten things to be grateful for.

5. Positive affirmations. Simple spoken sentences like ¨I will triumph over PMO addiction¨

I am convinced that those 5 daily steps will be of much help to strengthen my recovery. Realistically, some days I wont be able to do them all, but I am aiming for a high percentage of accomplished days.

Workshop lessons will be posted soon.