Coding the Mind

[CodeTheMind]

Hey @CodeTheMind, you got this man.

Those are good goals, and not looking at porn will help you in that.

Thanks Blondie,

I'm hopeful. Wishing to reach a point where I can think of porn as just something from my past (perhaps I could start now). That with each step I take porn will occupy less of my thoughts, less of my dreams and memories, less of my desires.

My objective is to unmask the worms that ley beneath the enticing surface of addiction.

All of this would be a wonderful breakthrough.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 3

I'm happy for these small victories. Starting to gain confidence and most importantly peace again. Detachment from pornography is possible, slow and steady.

 

[CodeTheMind]

I'm back, but first...

Why I quitted this journey? The struggle is always on my mind and it can be hard sometimes. I think that I lost my motivation! Here are a few key points that have prolonged my downfall:

I learned to live with the addiction, but that was a trick my mind was playing to itself. Let me explain; my mind found a way to cope with porn and masturbation, to keep its dose while still performing through the days under a certain cloud that lied "everything is going well". Basically, I thought I could handle life with the addiction.

A key factor in my detriment has been not desiring the benefits that quitting provides. When I started many years ago I was young and naive, highly sensitive and hopeful, so the promises of the success this journey brings to one's life definitely got me hooked. I was in it for the feeling, for the hero story, looking forward to a bright future that would involve me being highly successful with women and developing high social skills + extreme work productivity and academic performance.

After the years went by and I enjoyed some of the benefits of this journey (but certainly not all and not to the full extend I could have if I had fully succeeded) I also stopped believing in the power of the forbidden fruits. I was in it for the pay but realized I wanted no money. Meaning, I was in it for the benefits but realized I didn't wanted them. And here it becomes deeply philosophical! Why wouldn't I want success? Of course I wanted to taste success, but once I did, I didn't wanted it. The problem is that if I reject success then I am left with failure. And logic leads me to believe I don't want failure neither. Or do I? What a predicament! I should want success, but is seems so strange that I need to convince myself to actively seek it, to convince myself to want it. Is it because the cost is too high?

Certainly I cannot provide solutions to this deep dilemma. But what I can do is open myself to the present moment of reality, put a smile on my face, and follow whatever intuition has led me back here to continue with my journey. I feel like whatever I did before needs to change, and I mean in the deepest aspect of behavior, where intentions come from (the heart, the essence of the mind). The childish reasons that motivated my previous attempts cannot be the same that will fuel my final victory. I have to go very deep within my soul and find the star of guidance for my transformation.

Hope everyone is doing well!

 

[Blondie]

I understand this @CodeTheMind.

I do think we have to ask ourselves how bad do we want this? And furthermore, what uncomfortableness are we willing to face to achieve it? I also think that although there are many "benefits" to doing this journey, we can sometimes miss the forest for the trees in seeking them out, especially for their ends only. I know for myself, the first time I got past 90 days I was riding this high that was truly amazing, I thought I could conquer the world, but then the reality of my life and the fact that I was so unhappy with so much of it, eventually caught up to me and I caved in. The highs are great, especially at first, but then you have to work on yourself and your life, and of course, that is easier said than done. I'm still working on that part.

Best

 

[CodeTheMind]

I understand this @CodeTheMind.

I do think we have to ask ourselves how bad do we want this? And furthermore, what uncomfortableness are we willing to face to achieve it? I also think that although there are many "benefits" to doing this journey, we can sometimes miss the forest for the trees in seeking them out, especially for their ends only. I know for myself, the first time I got past 90 days I was riding this high that was truly amazing, I thought I could conquer the world, but then the reality of my life and the fact that I was so unhappy with so much of it, eventually caught up to me and I caved in. The highs are great, especially at first, but then you have to work on yourself and your life, and of course, that is easier said than done. I'm still working on that part.

Best

Yes, there are many layers to peeling this onion. I'm glad you were able to experience good things, keep doing great!

To me, wanting things for just wanting them has lost its meaning, and not finding truer meaning caused a lot of struggle. I can picture myself with the best possible and realistic outcome in a year from now and I just don't want it. Perhaps my brain is so messed up that I lack basic motivation for rewards. But to me this is a deeper issue, spiritual-and I am very skeptic on this topic. But yes...I think the gold is no longer looking appealing to me, and it may be a good thing honestly. A detachment from the dark aspects of the ego? I don't know. The most honest answer I can give to all my rambling is I do not know anything.

Good thing is I succeeded a whole day. It had been a long time since...

 

[CodeTheMind]

Slowly getting some motivation back! I have to work a lot on myself, a lot! That idea of finding something within me is the most powerful idea I have come up with recently. I have to trust this inner something, put my trust in it. Just thinking about it brings a smile to my face and a feeling of peace! Energy will start flowing once again. Things will work out.