Coding the Mind

[CodeTheMind]

Day 0

Not depressed about it but highly disappointed. I will get up and do better.

It's strange how there's always an excuse, a reason or trigger. This time it was my disappointment towards my group of immature friends that made me want to walk away from reality.

It feels life isn't throwing me anything good at the moment, and whatever good it throws at me is momentary and finite. So, I really need to practice stoicism, to find a way to handle the reality of life with all its challenges and hardships.

Hopefully this will help me to do and see things differently, just in the right way that is necessary for me to win at this.

I need to take a good and deep look within myself and provide me with some harsh needed criticism. Never had a father or a male figure to do that for me, I only have my Muay Thai coach but he is more focused on helping me change the way I behave towards the external world...only I can change what's inside of me. For only I can reach my darkest corners and deepest caves; such endeavor is difficult, but maybe there I can find something valuable that will help me achieve victory.

 

[CodeTheMind]

The harsh and deep look within myself:

《On hypocrisy》I have fallen down the pit of hypocrisy. My values do not align with my actions, my goals do not align with my actions, and my thoughts do not align with my actions. That is due to two things (at least):

A) Change. Life changes. It's impossible to always be in self natural alignment without putting any work into it. I just started to become an adult and so far in life I hadn't thought much about who I was and what I wanted here in this world, I was just drifting through reality with sporadic sparks of inspiration.

B) Pattern repetition. My brain is so used to some behaviors that it is impossible to change them without putting any consistent effort into it.

So how do I solve this issue? I wonder if my lack of self-alignment could be due to a lack of maturity in my thoughts, values, and goals. Because if they are not well defined, then of course their power will not be enough to influence my actions.
Alternatively, my actions could and should cast a positive influence of my values, thoughts and goals.

Life is way too complicated and things are not always black and white. I am just one human and cannot be in control of everything that happens, but I wonder...if I had stronger and better defined values, thoughts, and goals (at least in a primordial general concept)...then perhaps their influence over my actions would be higher than it is now.

*to be continued

 

[CodeTheMind]

The harsh and deep look within myself:

《On hypocrisy》I have fallen down the pit of hypocrisy. My values do not align with my actions, my goals do not align with my actions, and my thoughts do not align with my actions. That is due to two things (at least):

A) Change. Life changes. It's impossible to always be in self natural alignment without putting any work into it. I just started to become an adult and so far in life I hadn't thought much about who I was and what I wanted here in this world, I was just drifting through reality with sporadic sparks of inspiration.

B) Pattern repetition. My brain is so used to some behaviors that it is impossible to change them without putting any consistent effort into it.

So how do I solve this issue? I wonder if my lack of self-alignment could be due to a lack of maturity in my thoughts, values, and goals. Because if they are not well defined, then of course their power will not be enough to influence my actions.
Alternatively, my actions could and should cast a positive influence of my values, thoughts and goals.

Life is way too complicated and things are not always black and white. I am just one human and cannot be in control of everything that happens, but I wonder...if I had stronger and better defined values, thoughts, and goals (at least in a primordial general concept)...then perhaps their influence over my actions would be higher than it is now.

*to be continued

Day 1

I understand now that I need to work towards achieving mature, sophisticated, and well defined values, thoughts, and goals. Complementary to that, I also need to allow consistent actions to change my character and psychological patterns.

What's next?

Firstly,
-I will write my reasons to be here.
-I will write my goals related to being here.
-Then I will continue writing about more stuff about my life, to seek maturity in all areas.

The main rule is sheer honesty. I need to bring the darkness to light.

 

[Blondie]

Hi @CodeTheMind, I like that that see the importance of goals, values etc., because these things are imperative for recovery. Have you ever looked at the free resources at Recovery Nation? The first five workshops have much info about this very thing. Might be worth a shot, I know it's been helpful for me.

Best

 

[CodeTheMind]

Hi @CodeTheMind, I like that that see the importance of goals, values etc., because these things are imperative for recovery. Have you ever looked at the free resources at Recovery Nation? The first five workshops have much info about this very thing. Might be worth a shot, I know it's been helpful for me.

Best

I will definitely check it out today! Thank you.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 1

I understand now that I need to work towards achieving mature, sophisticated, and well defined values, thoughts, and goals. Complementary to that, I also need to allow consistent actions to change my character and psychological patterns.

What's next?

Firstly,
-I will write my reasons to be here.
-I will write my goals related to being here.
-Then I will continue writing about more stuff about my life, to seek maturity in all areas.

The main rule is sheer honesty. I need to bring the darkness to light.

Day 2

Why am I here and what are my goals?

-It's not about what brought me to this journey but about what keeps me going through it.

-Because what brought me here might not be entirely honorable reasons, nor reasons that align with the values I create for myself in this present moment. And unless I clear up this inner confusion I will continue going back and forth between two different selves.

(To be continued)

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 3

I started to read the material Blondie shared and it was very insightful. For the following days/weeks/months I will read it entirely and apply the lessons in there.

I have an emotional relationship with addiction. And only now I acknowledge that reality. The material really took away the cloud that was covering my eyes, I started to see many of the actions I took for the past years (even though aimed at recovery) as another part in this toxic relationship story.

I hadn't considered how truthful it was that I would seek the extremes of emotions wherever I would go. More than once, while trying to quit addiction to porn or masturbation, I used real life women -either prostitutes or potential dates- as substitutes for the extreme passions addiction provided me with...both the lows and the highs. It wa not just a physical thing, it was deeply emotional.

Even now at my present moment, where I find myself enamored in the healthiest way I've been in my life, to the purest soul I ever met...even now I can see how I try to seek in my love for her a replacement for intense emotions. Luckily, nothing has happened between us...and I say Luckily because I feel I don't deserve to be with her right now, even if it were possible (and I'm not sure it really is). I need to pursue my own health and recovery first, in order to offer her (or another woman if this is not meant to be) one day the better version of myself...a much more honest one. A much more mature and stronger version.

Another new concept for me was the one about emptiness and emotional emptiness more specifically. It is true that I would rather experience terrible emotions than to experience no extreme or intense emotions at all. Well, that changes now. I need to learn to accept the moments of emptiness as natural parts of the process of life, and to make the best out of them, for they have so much to teach me.

 

[Androg]

Striving for self-improvement is very noble, but a loving connection with a partner is very helpful too.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Striving for self-improvement is very noble, but a loving connection with a partner is very helpful too.

Of course. Sadly I don't feel up to the challenge.

This woman I'm in love with is around seven years older than me. Keep in mind that I'm 23. Besides, she is a one in a million kind of woman -everyone agrees. Not only is she beautiful, feminine, and cute. She is also ingenious, good, and highly noble. This is someone I would marry in an instant with, I would marry her right now.

However, I think she recently noticed our age difference...and although age doesn't measures maturity, the difference in maturity and life experience is real. Now, I'm not immature for my age, but I don't have the years to back up my life; I'm confident that 28 year old me could get this woman...but 23 year old me has a mountain to climb. And I would love to climb that mountain with her, but that's not realistic. Because it's not up to me, but up to her, whether she would want to climb the mountain together. Because I feel she doesn't wishes to, it's like after ten days of connection she suddenly woke up to her own reality and decided to change her behaviour towards me (just when I was levelling up my game to be with her, just when I was committed to ask her out). And honestly, how can I ask her to wait for me until I catch up with her in life? I'm sure she has solid goals for her life and imagines the kind of man she wishes to be with...and I'm certain I fulfil a lot of the things she looks for in a man, but for a few very important things that can only come with age: such as stability and manhood. Now I'm very masculine and all, but only as far as any 23 year old can be to the eyes of the opposite sex. And when it comes to stability...educational, economic, professional, etc...I'm far behind to where she deserves, and far behind from where I want to be. Sure, ideally she would see both the good qualities of the man I am today (and there are a decent amount of good qualities) and the potential qualities that await for my future...but will she, and even if she does, is her love for me strong enough to stay?

It's honestly a very sad situation, to be too mature for women my own age but not mature or just grown up enough for women a few years older. I can't catch a break and it makes me want to cry. I'm sure there is a good amount of women out there who are ideal for me and I'm ideal for them, but I haven't met them yet.

Anyways. I rather be alone than to be with someone who is unable to love me the way I am and in the stage of life I find myself in.

 

[Androg]

Of course. Sadly I don't feel up to the challenge.

This woman I'm in love with is around seven years older than me. Keep in mind that I'm 23. Besides, she is a one in a million kind of woman -everyone agrees. Not only is she beautiful, feminine, and cute. She is also ingenious, good, and highly noble. This is someone I would marry in an instant with, I would marry her right now.

However, I think she recently noticed our age difference...and although age doesn't measures maturity, the difference in maturity and life experience is real. Now, I'm not immature for my age, but I don't have the years to back up my life; I'm confident that 28 year old me could get this woman...but 23 year old me has a mountain to climb. And I would love to climb that mountain with her, but that's not realistic. Because it's not up to me, but up to her, whether she would want to climb the mountain together. Because I feel she doesn't wishes to, it's like after ten days of connection she suddenly woke up to her own reality and decided to change her behaviour towards me (just when I was levelling up my game to be with her, just when I was committed to ask her out). And honestly, how can I ask her to wait for me until I catch up with her in life? I'm sure she has solid goals for her life and imagines the kind of man she wishes to be with...and I'm certain I fulfil a lot of the things she looks for in a man, but for a few very important things that can only come with age: such as stability and manhood. Now I'm very masculine and all, but only as far as any 23 year old can be to the eyes of the opposite sex. And when it comes to stability...educational, economic, professional, etc...I'm far behind to where she deserves, and far behind from where I want to be. Sure, ideally she would see both the good qualities of the man I am today (and there are a decent amount of good qualities) and the potential qualities that await for my future...but will she, and even if she does, is her love for me strong enough to stay?

It's honestly a very sad situation, to be too mature for women my own age but not mature or just grown up enough for women a few years older. I can't catch a break and it makes me want to cry. I'm sure there is a good amount of women out there who are ideal for me and I'm ideal for them, but I haven't met them yet.

Anyways. I rather be alone than to be with someone who is unable to love me the way I am and in the stage of life I find myself in.

So, has she terminated the budding relationship?

 

[CodeTheMind]

So, has she terminated the budding relationship?

She has at least paused it, and might have indeed terminated it. Women are difficult, so she might come back (but I cannot depend on this). We work together and will likely continue to do so for the upcoming years, so maybe in her mind there is no rush. Either way, with or without her, I need to learn to depend entirely upon myself for my personal development, my life goals, and my health.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 4

Until recently I was just trying to control my compulsive behaviours, to put limits to my addiction, to live with it under regulations. I wasn't trying to recover from addiction, even though I thought I was. I was just trying to reduce the amount of times I would consume porn, or reduce the amount of times I would masturbate, and although that's better than nothing, it was NOT a healthy recovery.

Now my goal is to fully recover in the healthiest way possible. It has to happen sooner or later and I've made the decision that it begins to happen now.

 

[Androg]

Day 4

Until recently I was just trying to control my compulsive behaviours, to put limits to my addiction, to live with it under regulations. I wasn't trying to recover from addiction, even though I thought I was. I was just trying to reduce the amount of times I would consume porn, or reduce the amount of times I would masturbate, and although that's better than nothing, it was NOT a healthy recovery.

Now my goal is to fully recover in the healthiest way possible. It has to happen sooner or later and I've made the decision that it begins to happen now.

It might still be worth making an effort to socialize with women your own age. Are there any promising
activities you could try?

 

[CodeTheMind]

It might still be worth making an effort to socialize with women your own age. Are there any promising
activities you could try?

There are a lot at where I work and I socialize with them. There's one young woman with whom I actually went on two highly informal dates with, recently; basically I went out with my male group of friends and she tagged along. She is beautiful and I'm really fond of her, but I felt we were highly incompatible, and that she was highly immature...so believe it or not it was me the one who put her on the friendzone.
And now we are good friends, she actually has given me advice and support with my being in love with this other woman.

I just can't stand women my own age. At least the ones I've met. They are insecure, superficial, vane, and the ones who are definitely highly intelligent behave in the most unintelligent manner. Not to mention their lack of values, goals, and acceptance of reality. Meeting them always makes me feel entirely disappointed, even if I do end up getting fond of them. They just want to have fun. And to me life is much more than going crazy and having fun. And the ones who do showcase some sort of maturity despite their young age are too dry.

The woman I am in love with is amazing. She is the perfect balance of everything.
Today we had a beautiful day together at work.
Even though she shows no sign to be in a hurry at all.

 

[Androg]

You may be right, but I suspect that women sometimes choose to remain playful until they sense it it safe to open up. If a man is not signaling his willingness to "have her back," she's understandably going to treat him like "just a playmate." And maybe some women get stuck here...partly because many men have been unusually anxious and self-absorbed thanks to the lures of life online. (Not to mention the women's own anxiety and self-absorption from their own online activities.)

Healing each other is a mutual dance, of course, and it takes time to build shared trust even under the best of circumstances. Ironically, it's easier with "unavailable" partners because one feels less vulnerable and can be more genuine. Maybe you can apply what you're experiencing with your unavailable partner with one of your peers...at some point.

 

[CodeTheMind]

You may be right, but I suspect that women sometimes choose to remain playful until they sense it it safe to open up. If a man is not signaling his willingness to "have her back," she's understandably going to treat him like "just a playmate." And maybe some women get stuck here...partly because many men have been unusually anxious and self-absorbed thanks to the lures of life online. (Not to mention the women's own anxiety and self-absorption from their own online activities.)

Healing each other is a mutual dance, of course, and it takes time to build shared trust even under the best of circumstances. Ironically, it's easier with "unavailable" partners because one feels less vulnerable and can be more genuine. Maybe you can apply what you're experiencing with your unavailable partner with one of your peers...at some point.

I think I get your point. Right now it will be difficult for me to try anything new since I am still attached to the woman I'm in love with, even though this might not progress any further...or progress too slowly.

Certainly the criticism I give the young women I've met can be applied to myself in the form of self-criticism. I also have characteristics that I want to get rid with and that would make someone as demanding as myself reject me. To start with: my addiction and its everyday consequences.

Certainly not now, but if I ever decide that things are not going to work between this woman I'm in love with and me, then I will need to meet new women. Maybe I should just expand my possibilities and give opportunities to different kinds of women, to also give myself such an opportunity for happiness, healing, and growth.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 5

It's very troublesome for my sanity of mind to experience invasive sexual thoughts, painful ones. To wake up at 2 AM disturbed by strange dreams, and stranger waking desires.

I understand it is a normal occurrence with many addicts. However, I'm trying to make some logical sense of it.

I think my brain is so used to its regular dose of pornography and sexual pleasure that, when lacking its daily dose, it tries to produce it and request it through other means. And it makes sense that it happens when the domain of our conscious mind over our body is at its weakest strength: before going to sleep, during sleep, right after waking up.

I will keep my mind very busy today.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Lesson 1, exercises:

A)

1. My commitment to recover grows from the recognition that I no longer want to live my life this way. I don't respect the side of me that is addicted, who thinks and acts against his values and against his own reality. I just don't want this to continue to be a part of my life. And I no longer have any more excuses or sympathies for this creature. I want to abandon compulsive behaviour and compulsive thoughts forever. For the rest of my life.

I get it. It will take time, effort, inner resources. And such will be the personal challenge that I decide to face, just because I want to face it. It will be my redemption story. My path for a healthy life. My struggle to overcome, so I can fulfil my purposes in this world. And I will be very proud of this.

2. Guilt and shame are very powerful. I certainly feel the influence they both have and how counterproductive they can be. They isolate me from the world but also from myself. At the same time I cannot deny guilt and shame, they are part of me, as someone who is recognizing his own addiction.

I want to deal with guilt and shame in the healthiest way possible. Gradually I should overcome them, with time, for when I fully recover there will be nothing to be guilty or ashamed of...because I will learn to be proud of the misfortunes I will overcome.

But what about the present moment, while I still haven't gone through the full transition of recovery?

I suppose I can use my guilt as a motivator, and I hope that is a right decision from my part. And instead of using the word guilt, I decide to learn to exchange it for the word responsibility; I am responsible for my life and the consequences of my actions.

When it comes to shame, well...I don't think I'm ashamed. Sometimes I feel I should be, and there are things which I definitely regret, things that I'm ashamed of. But I think there's a difference with being ashamed of something and being ashamed of oneself. And I hope that this is the right way of seeing things for a healthy recovery.

3. It takes time to change. Some days see more progress than others and that's just the way it is. When it comes to an addiction like this, in the way I have personally experienced it, I can conclude that it will take a lot of time to heal. And I need to give myself that time to do so, otherwise it would be self sabotage. There will be moments when I will think that I can fly before running, and I will be very careful with this. I decide that I will be patient and wait for my victories: even if that means sacrificing the present for the future.

In a dualistic approach, I won't be a prisoner of my personal misconceptions of time. Because the goal is to move forward, to climb my mountain, so I also need to make real progress and change. This means that I need to get my hands dirty, to get out of my comfort zone, and not to get stuck. But I will do so very carefully, understanding that it takes time to heal.

 

[Blondie]

Hey @CodeTheMind, these are good thoughts. I know for myself, guilt and shame can be a real bitch, but yes, they must be dealt with.

I just found this chart and thought it was fascinating. As you can see, those two feelings are at the bottom of the hierarchy of transcendence. I know, cheesy word, but whatever.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Hey @CodeTheMind, these are good thoughts. I know for myself, guilt and shame can be a real bitch, but yes, they must be dealt with.

I just found this chart and thought it was fascinating. As you can see, those two feelings are at the bottom of the hierarchy of transcendence. I know, cheesy word, but whatever.

View attachment 1112

That's interesting! Another way to avoid getting dominated by guilt and shame is just to cultivate higher consciousness levels. And definitely learning to deal with them when unavoidable.