CodeTheMind
Active Member
Thanks, extremely helpful words!
Coding the Mind
- Thread starter CodeTheMind
- Start date
CodeTheMind
Active Member
Officially and based on the standards I had set for myself, I relapsed. In practice, I relapsed.
I was feeling very horny and very lonely. I am too frustrated for not having love, for my past relationships being a complete disaster, for me not seizing many opportunities I had in real life
. I feel like I missed many great experiences of youth, simply because I was always more traditional and more inclined to introspection.
But I am not lost. It is just a feeling. I first and foremost need to value and be thankful for the last 26 days, that was better progress than I did in the last two years. And now I need to consider that maybe if I pick myself back up right away the negative effects of a relapse, and the consequences of losing productivity will be the minimum possible. I wish to see this in the most positive manner I can, and that is by moving on! I need to continue with my journey. Recovery restarts now.
P. D. I hope to have not opened the Pandora Box. And I don't think I did. I believe I will pick myself right back up. And to be honest, I am feeling great. I know this might be a big no in this community but I do feel great after relapsing, maybe because I did it in a less damaging way (participating in the sexual act with another human).
Wow...this sex thing is really a highly driving force of the human species.
I was feeling very horny and very lonely. I am too frustrated for not having love, for my past relationships being a complete disaster, for me not seizing many opportunities I had in real life
. I feel like I missed many great experiences of youth, simply because I was always more traditional and more inclined to introspection.I relapsed because I couldn't sleep and turned my laptop on to enter one of this random strangers videocall sites. I matched with a woman in minutes and we had cam sex for like fifteen minutes. The only thing that doesn't makes me feel bad is that unlike watching porn I was not looking at others practice sex, but I was participating in the sexual act with this woman-through the videocall. Being watched and having someone give attention to my solitary existence, while at the same time showing herself to me, is very thrilling. Yes, sure, it is all superficial. I feel like I am cursed by my looks (not really I know, looks are very useful in this world but I hope whoever reads this can understand what I mean), I am like narcissus, and my superficiality generally changes the way others see and treat me-I truly feel like an object, but ironically I am scared of losing my superficiality. And at the same time, the thrill is too much. But as it happens, healthy and stable women do not care for this, the women who would actually make good girlfriends shun me (actually it might be me who suns them, unconsciously)...if I end up with someone is with a woman who also has the same problematic essence. I believe today I could just have gone to a bar or to a party and end up having sex with a random stranger, funny how I wouldn't call that a relapse but this I do. However, I think I would be making the same assessment! I sincerely think that although I would see it as progress (exchanging porn for real sex) I would still feel I failed. Because all in all my objective has nothing to do with sex. My objective is to change my life and become the better version of myself. My objective is also to experience true companionship, the more I live this life the less I believe it to be possible.
But I am not lost. It is just a feeling. I first and foremost need to value and be thankful for the last 26 days, that was better progress than I did in the last two years. And now I need to consider that maybe if I pick myself back up right away the negative effects of a relapse, and the consequences of losing productivity will be the minimum possible. I wish to see this in the most positive manner I can, and that is by moving on! I need to continue with my journey. Recovery restarts now.
P. D. I hope to have not opened the Pandora Box. And I don't think I did. I believe I will pick myself right back up. And to be honest, I am feeling great. I know this might be a big no in this community but I do feel great after relapsing, maybe because I did it in a less damaging way (participating in the sexual act with another human).
Wow...this sex thing is really a highly driving force of the human species.
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CodeTheMind
Active Member
Day 1
Alright I keep going!
I pick myself up looking at the bright side of things. I am glad that the relapse I suffered last night didn't turn into compulsive masturbation or compulsive pornography use. I did have a sexually charged dream as well, but lets just accept that, I cannot control such things. I believe this could be called a reset instead of a relapse, amazing. Lets see how things develop. I am certainly at a vulnerable spot, meaning that the next few days are highly important to develop and solidify the continuation of my journey.
I don't feel that bad about the reset, although I admit that objectively I failed. But I don't feel like a failure, I truly feel like this is just a new challenge that brings me the opportunity to learn and to work on something I had been neglecting.
I keep fighting
Alright I keep going!
I pick myself up looking at the bright side of things. I am glad that the relapse I suffered last night didn't turn into compulsive masturbation or compulsive pornography use. I did have a sexually charged dream as well, but lets just accept that, I cannot control such things. I believe this could be called a reset instead of a relapse, amazing. Lets see how things develop. I am certainly at a vulnerable spot, meaning that the next few days are highly important to develop and solidify the continuation of my journey.I don't feel that bad about the reset, although I admit that objectively I failed. But I don't feel like a failure, I truly feel like this is just a new challenge that brings me the opportunity to learn and to work on something I had been neglecting.
I keep fighting
CodeTheMind
Active Member
No way. I fell again in less than 24 hours, this time to porn. When I wrote the previous post I thought I was handling things well and that positivity was going to help me out. But I think I simply downplayed the whole issue. At this moment I am more awake to the reality of the situation. I failed. And I was trying to make it so that it was merely an objective practical failure but no. I failed entirely. If I had high expectations and high goals then I wasn't good enough to keep them. I need to be honest with myself and everyone here, I not only failed but during the last few hours I have behaved wretchedly. WTF, cam sex with strangers? WHAT A LOSER! That's not what I want for my life.
I will address the thing that I now believe was the ignitor of my relapse. A few days ago I got word that a distant family member died and a very small part of the inheritance is coming my way. The problem with money that arrives out of nowhere from "heaven" is that it is easier to spend stupidly. And I have a bad past when it comes to handling that, for when I was 18 I also received a small inheritance and spend it in prostitutes (I didn't went on a rampage, the use was spread evenly throughout the years that followed, but still pretty bad history I have). Prostitutes were my attempt back then to stop porn consumption and masturbation, I stopped that more than two years ago...although I ended up involving myself in a relationship with a prostitute that only ended exactly one year ago. What a loser!
Well, since I had a bad history with my first inheritance the second one triggered something within me: my thought pattern immediately associated this new inheritance with using it on prostitutes once again. I haven't even received it yet, but the past few days my thoughts were entertaining the positivity of that use in the future. And simply put I couldn't handle it. I couldn't say no to the ideas that were popping in my mind. It was like if I were keeping that option open in a safe box of the mind, just in case my life didn't turn up to get better after recovery...just in case I remained single a year from now, or just in case I got so disillusioned at life (even after recovery) that I would just choose to seek pleasure as some sort of reward or revenge for my suffering. But, in keeping that option open I betrayed everything, I betrayed myself, and therefore the journey couldn't go on because the foundations I used to build the man I wanted to become were rooted in the idea that such man would have said no to prostitutes. It was written in the stone of the statue of Man that I was erecting for myself: I am a man of honor, of dignity, of self value. I love, I seek, I challenge. I am above addiction, I am above sacrificing myself for pleasure. I trust in me, in life, and I shall find victory no matter how dark and lonely the road looks ahead. And now I stare like a child to that unfinished statue of Man, which is crumbling under my feet, and I know that the only way to build it again and succeed is only if I do the leap of faith, and that implies saying no to prostitutes from the core of my spirit. Because only then I will be fully committed to becoming the man I want to be.
The thing with prostitutes is that I always thought it to be much more honest than taking advantage of a woman who has a crush on me only to have sex with her and then leave her (I think it is dishonest to pretend liking a woman as much as she likes you, but that is a stupid idea and I should stop taking the moral high ground with such stupidity...I don't have to be dishonest just to be with a woman and the opposite of that are not prostitues
). My rule has so far been that if I am not in love with the woman I cannot have sex with her, unless I am paying her for it (because that way I am making sure there is an established distance between us, the money creates that distance not only for her but also for myself, sure it didn't work when I ended in a relationship with one, so the rule is stupid). I have to also admit that going with prostitutes is also taking the easy road, it is not even trying to give a chance to my real self and a real woman. And to truly give that a chance I need to leave my old self behind, so goodbye prostitutes, goodbye fantasies, goodbye porn and goodbye masturbation.
Ok. Since this very moment I am ashes, burned by the fire of my defeat. And I will reborn like a phoenix. This time, my commitment to recovery is to the following: no masturbation, no pornography (or anything related to it), no cam sex, no prostitutes. Day 0. I will make that leap of faith to create the man I want to become, and I will let that Man be my salvation.
It's on.
I will address the thing that I now believe was the ignitor of my relapse. A few days ago I got word that a distant family member died and a very small part of the inheritance is coming my way. The problem with money that arrives out of nowhere from "heaven" is that it is easier to spend stupidly. And I have a bad past when it comes to handling that, for when I was 18 I also received a small inheritance and spend it in prostitutes (I didn't went on a rampage, the use was spread evenly throughout the years that followed, but still pretty bad history I have). Prostitutes were my attempt back then to stop porn consumption and masturbation, I stopped that more than two years ago...although I ended up involving myself in a relationship with a prostitute that only ended exactly one year ago. What a loser!
Well, since I had a bad history with my first inheritance the second one triggered something within me: my thought pattern immediately associated this new inheritance with using it on prostitutes once again. I haven't even received it yet, but the past few days my thoughts were entertaining the positivity of that use in the future. And simply put I couldn't handle it. I couldn't say no to the ideas that were popping in my mind. It was like if I were keeping that option open in a safe box of the mind, just in case my life didn't turn up to get better after recovery...just in case I remained single a year from now, or just in case I got so disillusioned at life (even after recovery) that I would just choose to seek pleasure as some sort of reward or revenge for my suffering. But, in keeping that option open I betrayed everything, I betrayed myself, and therefore the journey couldn't go on because the foundations I used to build the man I wanted to become were rooted in the idea that such man would have said no to prostitutes. It was written in the stone of the statue of Man that I was erecting for myself: I am a man of honor, of dignity, of self value. I love, I seek, I challenge. I am above addiction, I am above sacrificing myself for pleasure. I trust in me, in life, and I shall find victory no matter how dark and lonely the road looks ahead. And now I stare like a child to that unfinished statue of Man, which is crumbling under my feet, and I know that the only way to build it again and succeed is only if I do the leap of faith, and that implies saying no to prostitutes from the core of my spirit. Because only then I will be fully committed to becoming the man I want to be.
The thing with prostitutes is that I always thought it to be much more honest than taking advantage of a woman who has a crush on me only to have sex with her and then leave her (I think it is dishonest to pretend liking a woman as much as she likes you, but that is a stupid idea and I should stop taking the moral high ground with such stupidity...I don't have to be dishonest just to be with a woman and the opposite of that are not prostitues
). My rule has so far been that if I am not in love with the woman I cannot have sex with her, unless I am paying her for it (because that way I am making sure there is an established distance between us, the money creates that distance not only for her but also for myself, sure it didn't work when I ended in a relationship with one, so the rule is stupid). I have to also admit that going with prostitutes is also taking the easy road, it is not even trying to give a chance to my real self and a real woman. And to truly give that a chance I need to leave my old self behind, so goodbye prostitutes, goodbye fantasies, goodbye porn and goodbye masturbation.Ok. Since this very moment I am ashes, burned by the fire of my defeat. And I will reborn like a phoenix. This time, my commitment to recovery is to the following: no masturbation, no pornography (or anything related to it), no cam sex, no prostitutes. Day 0. I will make that leap of faith to create the man I want to become, and I will let that Man be my salvation.
It's on.
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Experiencing a "chaser effect" after an ejaculation is not unusual.
Maybe invest the money in a way that ties it up for a bit of time.
And remember, your brain's desire for a real partner is healthy. Just don't compromise with your principles.
You can do it.
Maybe invest the money in a way that ties it up for a bit of time.
And remember, your brain's desire for a real partner is healthy. Just don't compromise with your principles.
You can do it.
Blondie
Respected Member
This happens @CodeTheMind, it's so easy for us to downplay this in our lives and get complacent, and then that's when it bites us at the perfect moment. As @Androg said, this could very well be the chaser effect. But it seems from your writing, it is accumulation of many bad habits over the years, thus, when something in life goes "badly" or you get some "extra money", you seek out bad behaviors, even if the best part of you does not agree with that anymore. All of this is tied in together.
Try not to be so hard on yourself, this is all a part of the process. It seems now you realize how far down the rabbit hole this nonsense goes, this is good, because that means you're not bullshitting yourself. I think you're right to want to seek out a real woman, but I would refrain from any prostitutes, just my opinion. Even though a prostitute is a "real" woman, it's similar to porn, in that it's easy and takes no work besides the money you spend on it, thus, a total illusion.
These are all good things and these are what you are deep down inside. Nothing is easy in this life, and that is good.
Whatever you do, don't think of this as a failure, because it's not. Just get back up with your new understanding and keep on moving.
CodeTheMind
Active Member
I was ignoring the chaser effect, now I am more aware of it and I am actually taking care to survive it this time. Yes, I will tie that money until I am capable of handling it. Funny how I didn't consider to use it in anything else, now though after I discarded that option I do realize there are other ways I could use it, but I will tie it. Thanks.
CodeTheMind
Active Member
Yes, it is a deep issue that is connected in different areas of life. Nonetheless I can get out of it, it takes continued effort and getting back up, that's what I will do now.
I agree, I discard that option now...I guess I had to be put in a tough situation in which I had to make that decision. In my experience each day of recovery challenges something in me, something I need to upgrade or solve, a next step I need to take on my development and healing. This time it was solving that potential issue with prostitutes with making a decision to stop considering it as a viable option, even if I have the money and access to the market. When I postponed that decision I relapsed, because the rules I was playing with had been broken, so that dishonesty was enough for the whole thing to break apart. Well now I solved it, so I can start again, respecting the rules I had set for my recovery.
Thank you, I will think of this as part of the process without downplaying the situation and what it reveals to me. But now is time to keep going!
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CodeTheMind
Active Member
Day 1
Focusing on returning to productivity and in using my time proficiently. I will do some changes when it comes to this recovery, I will stop concerning myself with graphs because I think they take to much time to make and keep in check (plus not providing much reward), this time I want to spend more efficient time journaling.
I am embracing myself, that is...the real me, the real man that is waiting to get sculpted out of this turmoil. I ask for Bravery to be always on my side and I summon it to guard my spirit. I ask for Strength to be my companion and to allow me to perform at my full force. And I ask for Creativity to be my guide in the realm of mists. That I might be a torch of fire amidst the shadows; brave, strong, creative.
Begone addiction, begone old self. Welcome recovery, welcome new self.
Focusing on returning to productivity and in using my time proficiently. I will do some changes when it comes to this recovery, I will stop concerning myself with graphs because I think they take to much time to make and keep in check (plus not providing much reward), this time I want to spend more efficient time journaling.
I am embracing myself, that is...the real me, the real man that is waiting to get sculpted out of this turmoil. I ask for Bravery to be always on my side and I summon it to guard my spirit. I ask for Strength to be my companion and to allow me to perform at my full force. And I ask for Creativity to be my guide in the realm of mists. That I might be a torch of fire amidst the shadows; brave, strong, creative
.Begone addiction, begone old self. Welcome recovery, welcome new self.
CodeTheMind
Active Member
Day 1 public commitment side goals:
Here, in the path of recovery, is where I feel comfortable and where I feel to be myself at my full expression.
My recovery seems to be a matter of handling emotions, I really need to dig deep down and address the emotional cues that appear within me. And I also need to work on facilitating the appearance of good emotions, because if I sunk in negativity, frustration or resentment then sooner or later that will be too much for me. So I need to face this with bravery and a lot of strength, I need to be creative in finding ways to give room for my emotions. I think part of it might be involved in accepting how things are and valuing what I have...I am who I am and it is no good to chastise myself for it. If I don't accept myself then who will! I accept myself and welcome the opportunity to develop for the best. That's the fire I will carry .
- Workout
(needed some rest after a week of full workout). - Relaxation walk/Run
- Cold shower
- Journal
- Meditation
- Visualization
- Strategy
- Clean my room
- Read
- Freedom from distractions: 75% free.
- Healthy sleep the day before:
- Healthy diet
- Gratitude
Here, in the path of recovery, is where I feel comfortable and where I feel to be myself at my full expression.
My recovery seems to be a matter of handling emotions, I really need to dig deep down and address the emotional cues that appear within me. And I also need to work on facilitating the appearance of good emotions, because if I sunk in negativity, frustration or resentment then sooner or later that will be too much for me. So I need to face this with bravery and a lot of strength, I need to be creative in finding ways to give room for my emotions. I think part of it might be involved in accepting how things are and valuing what I have...I am who I am and it is no good to chastise myself for it. If I don't accept myself then who will! I accept myself and welcome the opportunity to develop for the best
. That's the fire I will carry .
CodeTheMind
Active Member
Day 2
To my surprise I had a wet dream last night. As far as I recall I had never experienced a wet dream in my life until now, I have had sexual dreams but never wet dreams, even though I know they are common especially in young people. I couldn't believe it when I woke up at 4 AM to notice it, my hypothesis is that since I successfully blocked chaser effect the subconscious mind took care of fulfilling the desire of the body, this is just speculation of course. And this is by no means a relapse nor reset. I cannot control what happens in my dreams and how my body reacts to dreams. I actually find it to be a good sign, highly healthy, and I think I need to respect the processes of the body.
The only bad thing is that I lost semen, which I consider to be a vital nutrient force (at least from a philosophical perspective) that can be transmuted and applied in other endeavors. But, surprisingly as well, I don't feel drained or weak or lacking any nutrient/vital force...in fact, the contrary. I feel great; strong, powerful, focused, confident. Seems I am really back on track, maybe what happened to me two days ago can actually be called a reset instead of a relapse, but instead of focusing on that I will focus on this very moment and on keeping myself on the journey!
I really like this lifestyle, I enjoy it! It provides me with so much productivity, it clears my mind from the cloudiness of addiction, it provides me with the challenges to grow and be a better man! It gives meaning to my life. I keep the fire ablaze.
To my surprise I had a wet dream last night. As far as I recall I had never experienced a wet dream in my life until now, I have had sexual dreams but never wet dreams, even though I know they are common especially in young people. I couldn't believe it when I woke up at 4 AM to notice it, my hypothesis is that since I successfully blocked chaser effect the subconscious mind took care of fulfilling the desire of the body, this is just speculation of course. And this is by no means a relapse nor reset. I cannot control what happens in my dreams and how my body reacts to dreams. I actually find it to be a good sign, highly healthy, and I think I need to respect the processes of the body.
The only bad thing is that I lost semen, which I consider to be a vital nutrient force (at least from a philosophical perspective) that can be transmuted and applied in other endeavors. But, surprisingly as well, I don't feel drained or weak or lacking any nutrient/vital force...in fact, the contrary. I feel great; strong, powerful, focused, confident. Seems I am really back on track, maybe what happened to me two days ago can actually be called a reset instead of a relapse, but instead of focusing on that I will focus on this very moment and on keeping myself on the journey!
I really like this lifestyle, I enjoy it! It provides me with so much productivity, it clears my mind from the cloudiness of addiction, it provides me with the challenges to grow and be a better man! It gives meaning to my life. I keep the fire ablaze
.
CodeTheMind
Active Member
Day 2 public commitment side goals:
- Workout .
- Relaxation walk/Run
- Cold shower
- Journal
- Meditation
- Visualization
- Strategy
- Clean my room
- Read
- Freedom from distractions: 90% free.
- Healthy sleep the day before:
- Healthy diet
- Gratitude
CodeTheMind
Active Member
Day 3
How useful it is to keep going and don't look back. Time goes faster this way. I am on day 3 already and it makes me relieved to have continued on with this journey after that one bad day. I wont be focusing too much on the challenges of the future, not in those I cannot do anything about them now, that also breeds difficulty for my present days. Who cares if I don't know how things will stand five months from now in my life, I might not even be alive by then, the world could end, anything could happen, I need to stop worrying. to worry less. The goal here is to be productive each day, to value and enjoy my activities and to find meaning in my daily actions; day in-day out.
Whatever it is I will face it with bravery, dignity, love, and strength.
How useful it is to keep going and don't look back. Time goes faster this way. I am on day 3 already and it makes me relieved to have continued on with this journey after that one bad day. I wont be focusing too much on the challenges of the future, not in those I cannot do anything about them now, that also breeds difficulty for my present days. Who cares if I don't know how things will stand five months from now in my life, I might not even be alive by then, the world could end, anything could happen, I need to stop worrying. to worry less. The goal here is to be productive each day, to value and enjoy my activities and to find meaning in my daily actions; day in-day out.
Whatever it is I will face it with bravery, dignity, love, and strength.
CodeTheMind
Active Member
Day 3 public commitment side goals:
- Workout I got a minor concussion yesterday and my head was still hurting today so I decided to not exercise.
- Relaxation walk/Run
- Cold shower
- Journal
- Meditation
- Visualization
- Strategy
- Clean my room
- Read
- Freedom from distractions: 75% free.
- Healthy sleep the day before:
- Healthy diet
- Gratitude (anger kicked in today, I handled it, but I could not manage to be thankful today).
CodeTheMind
Active Member
Well relapsed during what was going to be day 4. I understand what has happened, I am simply not handling loneliness very well. Moreover, I have lost faith in people in general, and that only makes me feel more isolated (even if I have company at times, even if I perform well socially). I feel there is not undoing this new understanding I have, not for now at least, so what is left to me is to learn to navigate life in these complicated waters.
It is sad that I once again entered in a self-destructive pattern. But at least recognizing it has to serve for something. Usually after a misstep I would go ghost mode and then only come back weeks or months later to try recovery, now I am keeping my journal activity and I am trying to get back up immediately, this also has to be an improvement.
Another thing that has acted against me was that I had begun therapy and the psychologist downplayed the whole thing when I opened up about my addiction. That made me doubt about myself, even though I tried to be strong to my understanding, but eventually I suffered my first relapse of the month before this small streak. It is so frustrating that so many mental health professionals and doctors are ignorant when it comes to this real issue! For things like this I cannot trust nor put my faith in anyone in this world. I can only trust myself. And I will be the only one capable of overcoming my addiction, no one can do it for me.
This is what is going to happen now. I will take the rest of the day to avoid making any mistake that could go against my productivity and my health. I will try to use any energy I can muster to feel better and begin recovery again. And between today and tomorrow I will fill renewed and I will be back at this lifestyle of recovery that I love so much. This is my rock bottom, I feel I had never found myself in such a lowly state, and even here I feel sure that I will triumph
For solely within me resides the power for my own victory.
It is sad that I once again entered in a self-destructive pattern. But at least recognizing it has to serve for something. Usually after a misstep I would go ghost mode and then only come back weeks or months later to try recovery, now I am keeping my journal activity and I am trying to get back up immediately, this also has to be an improvement.
Another thing that has acted against me was that I had begun therapy and the psychologist downplayed the whole thing when I opened up about my addiction
. That made me doubt about myself, even though I tried to be strong to my understanding, but eventually I suffered my first relapse of the month before this small streak. It is so frustrating that so many mental health professionals and doctors are ignorant when it comes to this real issue! For things like this I cannot trust nor put my faith in anyone in this world. I can only trust myself. And I will be the only one capable of overcoming my addiction, no one can do it for me.This is what is going to happen now. I will take the rest of the day to avoid making any mistake that could go against my productivity and my health. I will try to use any energy I can muster to feel better and begin recovery again. And between today and tomorrow I will fill renewed and I will be back at this lifestyle of recovery that I love so much. This is my rock bottom, I feel I had never found myself in such a lowly state, and even here I feel sure that I will triumph
For solely within me resides the power for my own victory.
Keep in mind that during withdrawal/recovery from a relapse, your brain chemistry is less than ideal...and the "deep thoughts you have about the way the world is" are often distorted. Just tell yourself that you can think about those questions in about 2 weeks...and keep chugging!
CodeTheMind
Active Member
Yes I think there is a huge difference with my thoughts if I compare them to initial withdrawal and more advanced recovery.
I am reading a book called Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence by Dr. Anna Lembke. Just today I reached a part in which as far as I understood she writes about the importance of going through the pain of withdrawal, and how without accepting/embracing that pain recovery is unlikely, or impossible. So it isn't just metaphorical when I write that the only path to recovery is the path of fire, it seems to be more truthful than anyone would like that to be. She also explains very well how reward and pain work in the brain, and how even the very promise or expectation of the reward can create a dopamine spike (pleasure) which is followed by a deficit (pain) that will drive the addicted person to seek out that very same promise of pleasure...and if the promise is not accomplished that is followed by an even worst deficit (pain). Moreover, and this really hit me, it seems that in some cases the level of pain we experience or the way we experience it can be highly influenced by the way we perceive things...in the realm of meaning.
Therefore, I discovered that what has really been causing me pain besides the chemical imbalance is my interpretation of life. Meaning is contributing to my depression, and every experience (especially a negative one) is seen with a lens of meaning that only makes me feel terrible. In a way I wish I could be religious, I find that people who truly subscribe to a religious system belief and deity belief have more tools to cope with giving meaning to their everyday lives. Unfortunately I don't subscribe to that but cannot cope with creating my own meaning, as Nietzsche would have me do, things only make sense to me through the scientific explanation...but that one is void of any meaning. Darwinism, is very convincing. But where does that left me? It leaves me drifted. My everyday life is seen through my understanding of science, and I simply think it takes away the enjoyment that others have for life. In that sense ignorance is a bliss. This paragraph is just a tangent, but one that I found very helpful to write.
At least now I have clarity on the whole picture of my causes for finding it difficult to quit addiction.
I am reading a book called Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence by Dr. Anna Lembke. Just today I reached a part in which as far as I understood she writes about the importance of going through the pain of withdrawal, and how without accepting/embracing that pain recovery is unlikely, or impossible. So it isn't just metaphorical when I write that the only path to recovery is the path of fire, it seems to be more truthful than anyone would like that to be. She also explains very well how reward and pain work in the brain, and how even the very promise or expectation of the reward can create a dopamine spike (pleasure) which is followed by a deficit (pain) that will drive the addicted person to seek out that very same promise of pleasure...and if the promise is not accomplished that is followed by an even worst deficit (pain). Moreover, and this really hit me, it seems that in some cases the level of pain we experience or the way we experience it can be highly influenced by the way we perceive things...in the realm of meaning.
Therefore, I discovered that what has really been causing me pain besides the chemical imbalance is my interpretation of life. Meaning is contributing to my depression, and every experience (especially a negative one) is seen with a lens of meaning that only makes me feel terrible. In a way I wish I could be religious, I find that people who truly subscribe to a religious system belief and deity belief have more tools to cope with giving meaning to their everyday lives. Unfortunately I don't subscribe to that but cannot cope with creating my own meaning, as Nietzsche would have me do, things only make sense to me through the scientific explanation...but that one is void of any meaning. Darwinism, is very convincing. But where does that left me? It leaves me drifted. My everyday life is seen through my understanding of science, and I simply think it takes away the enjoyment that others have for life. In that sense ignorance is a bliss. This paragraph is just a tangent, but one that I found very helpful to write.
At least now I have clarity on the whole picture of my causes for finding it difficult to quit addiction.
CodeTheMind
Active Member
Day 1
I'm glad that I have cleared up a good amount of the things that had me confused about my addiction. Like I wrote yesterday, meaning and perspective can be highly determinant to how I will experience daily struggles, pain, and discomfort. And some of the meaning I attribute to my life is hard rooted in trauma, deception, disappointment, and hate. Well knowing this can be useful if I am going to change things, because I need to create new pathways of meaning for my life. I will then follow the advice of the doctor of that book I am reading and go through the pain, experiencing it and gaining something from that encounter with it.
Honestly, I have no clue how to create meaning in my life: true meaning. And it is not for lack of ideas. I just have to be honest with that, because I don't want to pretend I have everything under control. But at the same time I am not very concerned about this, I understand it is something I need to solve but I am not desperate or anything. Things are likely to occur naturally if I give myself a chance to recovery.
I'm glad that I have cleared up a good amount of the things that had me confused about my addiction. Like I wrote yesterday, meaning and perspective can be highly determinant to how I will experience daily struggles, pain, and discomfort. And some of the meaning I attribute to my life is hard rooted in trauma, deception, disappointment, and hate. Well knowing this can be useful if I am going to change things, because I need to create new pathways of meaning for my life. I will then follow the advice of the doctor of that book I am reading and go through the pain, experiencing it and gaining something from that encounter with it.
Honestly, I have no clue how to create meaning in my life: true meaning. And it is not for lack of ideas. I just have to be honest with that, because I don't want to pretend I have everything under control. But at the same time I am not very concerned about this, I understand it is something I need to solve but I am not desperate or anything. Things are likely to occur naturally if I give myself a chance to recovery.