Saving the Soul

[SaveTheSoul]

Yes I continue to try things out, fighting even though losing at the moment. Losing might be relative, and it is not the same as defeated, many losing situations can get turned around. Spend a few hours adjusting the blocking software before handling its administration to a trusted person, so now I do not have the password and I made sure to list every single site that I wanted to block. I even blocked non-pornographic content such as twitter, YouTube, and Instagram-these sites are generally a door for me to look for porn. Generally I get triggered by political content, or social issues content, or female content creators...all of that makes me want to avoid reality and I turn to porn. The sides are not regulated neither, so porn content creators have invaded all social media and it is not safe.

I have little to gain from the internet at this moment and everything to lose. Basically, I only have access to a few sites that are absolutely non triggering. Now my hands are tied, even if I wanted to quit porn recovery I could not do so, I'm forcing myself to go through this. The only thing that I have to focus now is on avoiding masturbation. Ok here we go. I need some luck if I am going to get out of this and still have a shot at the life I want, whatever the outcome I intend to go down fighting.

 

[Brutus]

We only really "lose" this fight if we quit the struggle to recover. Good job getting an internet blocker, keep it up!

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 1 Hardmode

I haven't watched porn or anything similar to it since I started using the blocking software, so nice.

I think it will be a long while until I can see any significant change in my life, so I am going to take things patiently and with calm.

I am not doing great. That is ok. I will just keep going regardless of this. Pick myself up somehow! With patience and calm.

 

[Androg]

Stay strong!

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day 2 Hardmode

I remain patient, taking things slow. I need to walk before I can run.

Nothing much to write about.

I have learned that excessive hope in desires and idealism can be dangerous, no matter how much it hides behind a good appearance.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

CODE THE MIND 2.0

Premise: I decided CodeTheMind 1.0 was a novice. I now come to comprehend that with no will there is no power, and with no power there is no victory. And for my pursuit of power and victory not to lead me to a dark path I need to embrace a new self. My new self will be crafted out of the ashes of the version of me that is “dying”. Code the Mind 2.0 is the successful act of revitalization, new beginnings, self-discovery, creation.
Moreover it is a less victimizing take on life, I choose to stop being such a dramatic man, drama makes it too profound for me and no wonder I find things difficult. I had spent my life digging the graves for all that I experienced, and now I choose to drop the shovel. I think too much in abstraction and I live in the realm of ideas, that is dangerous...a fool sails an ocean with his eyes closed, a wise man does it with a lot of awareness and preparation, who has the highest chance at a successful journey?

The method: As open the heart as the mind as the spirit. Reality is unique, unified, complete. The three jewels of my life are my heart, mind and spirit, and they shall become the keys to open and close the doors of my experience. In them I will put my trust of my strength and my valor.

“The mind is everything. What you think, you become.”
“When the mind is impure, the being is impure; when the mind is pure, the being is pure.” This makes sense, although I am always careful with absolutist claims, let to each define its own purity.

​

I will seek peace of mind. Because honestly my troubles were just machinations of an immature, chaotic, and overtly undefined self. I am completely open to change and renewal.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

REFRESHING

This effective decision of commanding and allowing drama to go away, and inviting peace to refresh my heart, is truly beautiful.

I feel calm and I gradually begin to see things in a new light. It takes a complete restructuring and I have finally commited to it. What's also interesting is that the whole restructuring is not that much difficult to make under the method that I am using, which is mindfulness plus some complex philosophical systems that I crafted out of my understanding of different disciplines and also a non-judgemental acceptance of reality (and that includes what science can explain about reality, which sometimes we don't always want to accept).

This is liberating because I am more open. I feel more connected to myself and less in inner conflict.

Peace, patience, strength, love.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

DIFFERENT APPROACH

In the most recent attempt I was trying the method of quitting P first and only later quitting M.

Some people report success with this method but in my case after trying for a few days I am abandoning it.

M without P does seem more natural and less pathetic but it's not enough compared to what I have experienced before when I could do hardmode. I am as tired, unproductive and as addicted with M just as with P. Good that I can now recognize that more clearly, because a few days ago I truly thought that maybe M wasn't that bad if done without P.

I have considered going off the internet altogether and maybe login once a week to report here how I am doing. The porn blocking software works fine but there are many loopholes. For example, YouTube is not blocked on my phone because it is preinstalled, and there is erotic content there. Same with streaming devices, there are a lot of pornographic shows out there. The conclusion is that I depend on myself when it comes to avoiding these loopholes. And I need to make myself responsible for this task.

I will not quit the internet but I will reduce my time in it to the extremes. I don't need it for anything else than occasional emails, this forum, meditation app, and messaging app to stay in contact with friends and family. That's my limit. Anything else will be considered as a relapse, even it it's not porn related. No drama about it, I want this. I only needed to clarify to myself where is my limit.

If I am going to call this hardmode then I should truly do it hardmode. More to come in the next days. But this is enough to start counting again.

Day 1.

 

[Brutus]

I will not quit the internet but I will reduce my time in it to the extremes.

I can attest that cutting time on the internet is super helpful for recovery. I now spend the time I used to waste exercising and reading, and I feel way better emotionally because of it. Keep it up.

 

[Androg]

Internet and smartphone use can both increase anxiety.

Here's a brand new paper:

Smartphone Addiction and Mental Illness In Rhode Island Young Adults https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36989096/​

 

[SaveTheSoul]

I agree. Contemporary challenges are comprised of holistic threats. I need to address the whole problem which is broader than just a porn addiction. Many non porn related habits are highly connected with my porn and masturbation addiction, and therefore I need to take care of the problem looking at it from a wider perspective.

I have spent the last few years tackling many of those issues and beginning to exchange bad habits for good ones. And it is time to get to the roots of the threat, to take the bull by the horns and finally submit this side of me that I am at war with.

Understandably it is a process that can take time, there is a learning curve of trial and error, so this logic helps me make peace with past failures.

I'm thinking the time is now, finally.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

REINFORCING
Day 2.

I think right now I need some reinforcement, to remind myself the most recent commitment I made, I apologize if I become too repetitive but I need to establish a pattern.

So, how do things stand?
I don't want drama in my life and I aim at reducing it. It is natural for humans to dramatize the experience of life, we see that everywhere in our culture both past and present. But I strongly believe that there is an alternative way of living, and I am seeking it. I want peace. And I want peace with action, meaning that I want to have an active life. Peace plus action seems like a nice balanced way to live. And with peace I don't mean that I wish to run away from conflict, because I don't (and there's where action comes in), I just don't want to live my life as a Greek drama and that is what I mean with seeking peace.


The ritual of pornography and masturbation is way too dramatic for me, especially now that I am so much aware of it being a highly damaging addiction. Clearly I should understand that it only creates drama in my life and it makes me weaker to handle conflict correctly.

At the same time I must be careful not to turn my recovery into another drama. This is very important. Experiencing recovery as a drama is not something I want. It can be very compelling to play the hero in the drama of recovery, but for some reason I don't fully comprehend I think that is unwise and should be avoided. So recovery with no drama.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

UNCERTAINTY IN CALM WATERS
Day 3.

Nothing interesting is happening right now and that is part of the process. I was the one who decided to have less/no drama in my life and boredom/calm waters is one of the consequences of my decision.

I must admit a certain uncertainty about this method I am using, since it's new to me. But I think it is the right one. The uncertainty itself is however a way to stir up drama, and in recognizing this I have to detach myself from it.

Yes, I might experience doubt, uncertainty, discomfort. But these all are momentary experiences that do not define the whole of my existence, nor the whole of my experience. They shall pass and I will turn the page of this chapter.

Meanwhile I cannot stop living the present. I might want to reach another stage in my life but before I can do that I need to go through this one and do so with acceptance and appreciation. I welcome the experience of the present with all its challenges.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

I'm sorry to report another failure! After I installed porn blocking software things were going fine on that front but as I read in the book about addiction...blocking mechanisms can become some sort of thrill for the addict. This means that the addicted mind will find it exciting to have to seek a way around the blocking mechanism, and that is exactly what happened to me. I had an old laptop in my closet and when I installed the software in my devices I downplayed installing it in that laptop with the excuse that it had no internet connection and I was not using it anyways, big mistake: it turns out that sometimes it does catches some internet connection and I was trying to see if it did just that and that is how I ended relapsing. If something good comes out of this is that now I have absolutely installed blocking software in that old laptop as well, so that is not happening again. I also went a step further and unsubscribed from Netflix (in my past I used to watch some shows there that are almost porn), so great.

Now I only have four possible threats: Google images (nudes are blocked but I can still search for a pic of a hot clothed semi-clothed woman, no good), YouTube (I couldn't block it on my phone since it comes preinstalled!!!), writing erotica, and my very own imagination. At least I reduced the threats a lot, still...four threats is no good.

Another good thing is that there is no going back from the commitment I made regarding everything I already did block. I also found that I had some downloaded content that I had forgotten about, well I just deleted that, and deleted it again from the recycle bin. Believe me, making each of these steps was very difficult, it took a lot. But it is done .

Now the threats are reduced and I can solely focus on fully avoiding them. In the end it comes down to me, on an every day basis.

At this point it really looks bad! I am feeling alright though, on a good note other areas of my life are going well (reduced performance and happiness due to addiction, absolutely). So I truly need to tackle this thing...this is the biggest thing for me right now, doing this well signifies a tremendous victory for my life. I am highly motivated right now. I found out that a little bit of drama is actually necessary, it is natural in us humans, so balance is better.

I will remain brave.

 

[Androg]

GL!

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day I

Right back at it. I wish things were different but there's nothing I can do about my situation but keep going.

What's positive is that I have not surrendered and I keep getting up, despite things not looking exactly great.

I do get that the history of this recovery speaks bad about me. I am aiming at changing just that and that's why I keep trying.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Found a way to also block YouTube on my phone, so one less triggering thing to worry about.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day II

I feel so much relief, I am free and for the first time in a while I am assured that everything I got rid of is not coming back.

It makes such a difference having blocked my access to so many different fountains of pleasure and having added passwords that never will be in my possession to so many devices.

I used to complain about how with porn addiction you cannot physically get rid of it, as you could do with an alcohol addiction by throwing all your bottles to the trash. But actually there is a way to do it, and that is by blocking it all, putting a password you are not aware of to everything and give it to a trusted person, so you can only use it under special circumstances and only for specific stuff (for example I only have access to my laptop if I must use it to print something).

Moreover I blocked many things that are not porn related but I considered part of a bigger addictive lifestyle. Social media, YouTube, internet news, streaming platforms, basically everything I used. I don't need it for anything, I used to make excuses like saying YouTube had educational content but I realized that in my case the negative consequences outweighed the benefits, and did so by a lot.


There are other ways to learn, to enjoy life, other tools that are helpful for becoming a better man. For thousands of years humanity did just fine without all of this stuff and great men were formed in times with no internet or massive overconsumption. Would Leonardo da Vinci have become a successful artist if he had been addicted to pornography? Maybe he would have! But the example I am choosing to use still explains my point, I believe.

Besides, it is not like if I went to live alone in the mountains. I still have access to technology, although highly restricted, and I couldn't be happier for it. It is for my safety and my healing.

I am highly relieved. I got rid of a huge weight. Now the focus is on handling the three possible triggers that I have not found a way to block, one of them my very own imagination. But just those three I can handle, I can control them! It is easier to juggle three apples than to juggle a hundred, now I have a fair chance at winning. The playfield of this battle just got leveled.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day III

Another highly positive and productive day is taking place. It's always nice when I experience so many early benefits after just a few days of abstinence, I need to be thankful for this.

I feel connected with myself, active, alive. Honestly I don't think I could feel like this early on if it wasn't for my "extreme" workout routine, and for cutting off everything that was bad for me at once. I'm also eating quite well and that feels great. I'm learning new stuff, small stuff like becoming better at time management while recognizing how I cannot have it all, nor can I be always perfect.

I also had an awakening to realizing some bad attitudes I had with some people, myself, and life in the past. And how I wasn't valuing things, I learned that an honest brave life is also about dealing with problems without being a baby about it. Things are not as complicated as we make them to be. And it is such a relief to take such a weight off my shoulders!

Even when it comes to women...I used to be a resented, hurt man. Due to past relationships traumas and other events that I perceived as rejections when most of the time things just weren't meant to be. I spent a lot of time in the defensive, or trying to be someone else, with a lot of hate to be honest. But l no longer feel like that, I am walking away from that mentality prison. I am sure about myself and open to whatever is to come; willing, strong, active, centered.

 

[SaveTheSoul]

Day IV

Life is beautiful right now (this is a choice we make). I'm handling this issue of addiction well again, and I am making my days count. Changes can be done in small amounts of time.

Even when it comes to women...I used to be a resented, hurt man. Due to past relationships traumas and other events that I perceived as rejections when most of the time things just weren't meant to be. I spent a lot of time in the defensive, or trying to be someone else, with a lot of hate to be honest. But l no longer feel like that, I am walking away from that mentality prison. I am sure about myself and open to whatever is to come; willing, strong, active, centered.

A few hours after I wrote this yesterday a "blessing" came to my life.
Some necessary background: If you follow my journal you might remember that a few weeks ago I approached a woman I regularly cross paths with (we do the same activity) and invited her to have a conversation for a few minutes, and the conversation went well. I'm still happy for how brave I was. Well after that nothing happened (I did got her number, but nothing)...whenever I saw her I perceived a certain unwillingness in her, so i thought it best not to bother her and didn't approach again.
Well, yesterday I was thinking of her and wrote a short poem, then put it on my stories in the messaging app I use. The poem wasn't really about her (not at all), it was about life, but she was my inspiration.
I dropped the phone and went to sleep but then I got some intuition and picked the phone again and checked the chat I have with her, it said she was writting (for 6 minutes).
She texted me and we barley exchanged a few sentences but guys, it was profound stuff. I connected intuitively, emotionally with her. In a way that I cannot easly explain.
Besides, for years I have been posting phrases and poems and the best I got of past relationships was "How beautiful" "come over" "how are you?" This woman's response shocked me in a good way, no one ever shared my train of thought like that, her answer was a following up of my own poem.

Let's say that maybe nothing else happens, maybe she doesn't likes me or things just can't work out, well I still take this as an amazing sign for my life. As a renewed healthy view on women. But yes today and tomorrow I am going to approach her with the equal bravery I did before. And it is really fine if nothing else happens, what a I know though is that with my new attitude I am not going to get resented or hateful about it. I am sure about myself and open to whatever is to come; willing, strong, active, centered.

BTW, if something does happens I will pursue it with maturity and integrity. No playing around, no lack of a willingness to commit from my part. I love that I finally accept myself just as I am.

It is beyond obvious to say that all of these changes are due to my successful recovery journey.