My trial again

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in_search

Member
I got serious about quitting porn about 15 month ago. I understood the reason for my escape and was determined to leave this habit after 25 years of usage. It did not destroy my life, but it destroyed a big part of the joy in my life. Everything in my life had been boring, unexciting, even my kind wife. It also gave me PIED, and social anxiety. When I left porn last year i was able to go 100 days without it, while I tried to understand why i was doing it. I understood the reasons, as I said and It helped big time. I felt glimpses of joy for the first time after a very long period. I found more meaning in what I was doing. But then I relapsed and I have not been able to keep this habit away for more than a month, typically a week.

I fully understand and believe I don't want it anymore, it is not good for me and my life, but I give in after a lot of attempts. I understand the science behind it but I don't know the know how, it seems, of how to attempt it. So, I am here for help. I want to understand how to manage triggers, how to take care of urges and how to get over the bridge when the devil strikes. I also want to use this forum to write down how my trial is going. I thank everybody who reads this, who wishes me best and gives me feedback. I am determined, but I do need help. I am not able to understand how to keep my head straight in the moments of immense urges and in the moments I give in. What are the practical thing I can do? I do feel broken after every relapse, but I understand I need to keep trying and I hope there are more tools out there which can help me. I am writing this after a relapse after a week of abstinence. Counter: 0
 
Beautiful1973

Beautiful1973

Active Member
Welcome to the forum @in_search

Are you seeking any help from a professional such as a Therapist or Counsellor, in my experience this is really important, especially if you are dealing with feelings of shame, trauma and triggers? My best advice would be to immerse yourself into activities and hobbies, exercise, anything that once bought you joy or something new that may reignite some fulfillment. Also work on your emotional and intimate connection with your Wife, we can talk more about that if you like. I'm a partner (ex), not an porn addict.

Good luck on your journey.
 
I

in_search

Member
Thanks for the response @Beautiful1973 . I am really hesitant in talking to a Therapist in person. I have done a lot of work understanding my past, the reasons for escape, and I believe I understand it very well now. My addiction is not dictated by shame, trauma or trigger. It has been my soothing mechanism since teens - escape from boredom, escape from social anxiety, paucity of sexual experience in the early age. I understand I have the power and control now which I did not have before. There is no doubt in my mind that I want to leave this. I have seen light in days when I am away from it. But I eventually give up. I can't find the will or a practical mechanism eventually.

I am able to attend to activities and find fulfillment, but it seems to me that the trigger management insight is missing in my approach. Regarding emotional and intimate connection point, I do find myself ill prepared for it and need guidance there as well. I have opened up about my struggle to my wife but not fully. I have this overwhelming fear that I will hurt her too much and drive her away. I will appreciate your inputs there. But the kind of authenticity I have discovered in the last 15 months is something which makes me hopeful. I do want to live an authentic whole life. I am a good person with a terrible habit. And I am sure there is knowledge in the community which can help me. Thanks!
 
I

in_search

Member
Today I spent my time working and reading, though I regret not going to the gym in the morning. I watched some videos by therapists and what they say makes sense. One question which they raised was to answer - why do i go to porn and not something else like alcohol, drugs, ice cream - not in terms of habit but why did i choose porn to sooth me. I think it was chance, and I eventually developed a habit. i will think more about it. I am still not sure how a therapist will help me if I go to them. Today was also a day of temptations, a few times. I felt it, and I observed it, I did not try to resist or put it off. But I was firm not to give in or indulge in them. I feel that as I have gotten into a habit of trigger->PMO, I need to get into a habit of trigger->something else, to rewire my brain. I also felt that the secrecy keeps this going. There is a need to open up, but the fear of rejection is so threatening. Counter: 1
 
I

in_search

Member
Today was a calm day for me. I stayed home rested. Not too much temptation today. Evening I spent with a couple friend eating and talking. There were women out there and sometimes I did get distracted, but I was interested in the conversation we were having. The food was good. Gotta sleep. Counter: 2
 
Beautiful1973

Beautiful1973

Active Member
in_search said:
One question which they raised was to answer - why do i go to porn and not something else like alcohol, drugs, ice cream - not in terms of habit but why did i choose porn to sooth me. I think it was chance, and I eventually developed a habit.
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Maybe it’s because it was something you had easy access to at an early age??? Just a thought!
 
E

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
in_search said:
Everything in my life had been boring, unexciting,
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This is a common theme between porn addicts and it's understandable why, because porn disrupts things in the brain, like the dopamine system that is actually responsible for many things. Porn addiction affects more than errections and arousal in real life, it's a mental health danger and a danger for the quality of life.
 
I

in_search

Member
I appreciate all the feedbacks. So exploring the question of what therapy can bring, I watched this video today (
) and it answered some very important questions for me. I clearly say there is knowledge out there which can help me. How do you find a good therapist? I might start with a book first. Very scant urges today. I did notice a moment when I felt a trigger, and it felt like I would have reacted to it in the past. I listened to the podcast at http://www.gregwoodhill.com/ about eroticized rage and some of the pointers there are pertinent to my situation. I had worked on them before, but it brought a little more clarity. Counter 3.
 
I

in_search

Member
Beautiful1973 said:
Maybe it’s because it was something you had easy access to at an early age??? Just a thought!
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certainly that was the case. I also turned inwards and became bookish and excelled in studies. My brother took the route of anger. This is clearly generational in my case. My focus remains, on the implementation aspect of quitting/replacing this habit. It is, however, possible that my early explorations did not settle the psychological genesis entirely. Maybe more layers will come out this time. Happy to learn more from your words and everybody else's experience.
 
I

in_search

Member
Today I attend the Christmas party and had a good conversation. At the party I felt a trigger when I saw a particular women, but I was in between a good conversation. Back home, I was fine, I listened to Greg's podcast, which is really good material. Then, I got a thought of this woman I saw at the gym today. It does feel like a trigger. I am going to sleep. Counter 4.
 
I

in_search

Member
What I learnt over the last two days is that when you are busy your urges are minimal. Yesterday I had a productive day at work. Today I had things planned and the day went well. I don't want to submerge myself with things to distract me, I want to be aware of what is happening to me. I made that mistake last time. I need to feel the feelings and develop the muscles to act in a healthy way to triggers, instead of falling into the trap. Greg Woodhill conversation in this podcast (https://gaana.com/song/greg-woodhill-root-causes-of-porn-addiction-and-healing-with-real-intimacy) is something which everyone should listen to. Eroticized anger is something I need to explore. I identified with a lot of what he said. There is no life truly lived without an authentic life. And without healthy relationships there is no emancipation for a heart. We all yearn for love and acceptance. I have been simply afraid and scared to go look out for it, fearing rejection. Porn never rejected me. I was adequate with it. The wounds we carry, show up as our addiction. Counter: 6
 
I

in_search

Member
Here is some notes from what I have been hearing these days.
1) Porn is sextualized rage in a lot of the cases. We all have unresolved issues. We have shame, hurt, maybe abuse, anger. These can be resolved by expression of unconditional love. In absence of that, we are drawn to 'our kind of porn'. Our porn habit is our sextualized rage of what remains unresolved. The intent of the addiction is positive, but not the outcome.
2) Answering the question - why do we do 'our kind of porn' - takes us to the unresolved emotional vacuum of our life. If we could remove the sexual arousal from the porn we are watching - what feeling remains inside us? That is the unresolved issue we need to stare at - am I angry at women, do I feel inadequate, do I have shame, did I get rejected. Porn is the fantasy to live out our unfulfilled needs, to feel powerful and in control, and primarily our desire to be unconditionally loved.
3) The female in porn are made to act as if they want what is being done to them. In reality this is ridiculous. Can we let somebody do to us what we see males doing to women in these movies?
4) Repeated usage keep the feedback loop of fantasy going. It simply feeds the wolf that feels angry, inadequate, shamed and rejected. The reality is there is pain there, and we can deal with it.
5) I can't stop and it is hurting my life - this acceptance is the fist step to light.
6) Healing is the application of love to the places where it hurts. But if we don't know where it is hurting where do you apply the love?

Counter: 8
 
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in_search

Member
True transformation comes when we find ourselves in the trigger, habit, or reaction and we become aware we are in it then, and choose differently. counter: 11
 
G

GrateClips

Active Member
your words are wise. i totally agree the fantasies are there to soothe what we feel is hurting us. sometimes the only solution is to just get through one day without acting out and breaking down. keep it up.
 
I

in_search

Member
I am an episodic procrastinator. When I made an inventory of my life events and durations when I was procrastinating a lot, it was always associated with heavy porn usage. Correlation does not mean causation. That is how one can rationalize it, but deep down we know the truth. The escape from real life to self soothing is a long established habit. To get rid of it, will need retraining of the brain pathway, and to face the feeling when the triggers originate. That is all this practice is about. It is hard work, but it is the only way out to authenticity - Serenity to accept what I can't control, courage to control what I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Counter 12
 
I

in_search

Member
serenity to accept what I can't change, courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Change and not control. Counter 13
 
I

in_search

Member
I have been fine. busy. there have been unpleasant moments, and I am trying to feel them. they feel unpleasant. Counter 16
 
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