My trial again
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I started reading 'out of the shadows' by Patrick Carnes today. This stood out to me in the first chapter.
Each person has a belief system that is sum of the assumptions, judgements, and myths that he or she holds to be true. It contains
potent family messages about a person’s value or worth, relationships, needs, and sexuality. Within it are options - answers,
solutions, methods, possibilities, way of behaving - are open to each of us. It is that person’s model of the world. Our belief system
is the filter through we conduct our main task of making choices. An addict’s belief system contains certain core beliefs that are
faulty or inaccurate and, consequently, that provide a fundamental momentum for the addiction. Addicts do not believe themselves
as worthwhile persons. Nor do they believe that other people would care for them, including the addiction. If you do not trust
people, sex at least does what it promises for the moment. In addiction the relationship is with sex, and not the person.
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Each person has a belief system that is sum of the assumptions, judgements, and myths that he or she holds to be true. It contains
potent family messages about a person’s value or worth, relationships, needs, and sexuality. Within it are options - answers,
solutions, methods, possibilities, way of behaving - are open to each of us. It is that person’s model of the world. Our belief system
is the filter through we conduct our main task of making choices. An addict’s belief system contains certain core beliefs that are
faulty or inaccurate and, consequently, that provide a fundamental momentum for the addiction. Addicts do not believe themselves
as worthwhile persons. Nor do they believe that other people would care for them, including the addiction. If you do not trust
people, sex at least does what it promises for the moment. In addiction the relationship is with sex, and not the person.
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Carnes analysis of childhood origin to addiction is also so relevant:
From a child’s point of view, ”you can abuse me, humiliate me, exploit me, and not even believe me, but by far the worst is if
you don’t even want me.” Fear of abandonment is a constant theme in all addiction. The first core belief of an addict is ”I am
basically a bad, unworthy person.” Abandonment means being unwanted. Children grow up believing that no one will accept them
unconditionally. People will not be there; they can’t be trusted or depended on. They feel lonely, lost and unprotected. If they do
want a relationship, it is because they want something, not because they care. There will always be a price to pay. To be close
means to lose reality or integrate somehow. So intimacy is avoided. As the child grows up, a public front designed to look good
shields the emerging adult from the searching gaze of others, which would lead to rejection. Not being able to count on, depend
upon, the adults in one’s life to meet needs is a key element of addiction. As a child matures, there begins a search for that which
is dependable - something you can trust to make you feel better. There is always sex, which usually costs nothing and nobody to
regulate. When a child’s exploration of sexuality goes beyond discovery to routine self-comforting because of the lack of human care,
there is a potential for addiction. Sex becomes confused with comforting and nurturing. Addiction is a relationship - a pathological
relationship in which sexual obsession replaces people.
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From a child’s point of view, ”you can abuse me, humiliate me, exploit me, and not even believe me, but by far the worst is if
you don’t even want me.” Fear of abandonment is a constant theme in all addiction. The first core belief of an addict is ”I am
basically a bad, unworthy person.” Abandonment means being unwanted. Children grow up believing that no one will accept them
unconditionally. People will not be there; they can’t be trusted or depended on. They feel lonely, lost and unprotected. If they do
want a relationship, it is because they want something, not because they care. There will always be a price to pay. To be close
means to lose reality or integrate somehow. So intimacy is avoided. As the child grows up, a public front designed to look good
shields the emerging adult from the searching gaze of others, which would lead to rejection. Not being able to count on, depend
upon, the adults in one’s life to meet needs is a key element of addiction. As a child matures, there begins a search for that which
is dependable - something you can trust to make you feel better. There is always sex, which usually costs nothing and nobody to
regulate. When a child’s exploration of sexuality goes beyond discovery to routine self-comforting because of the lack of human care,
there is a potential for addiction. Sex becomes confused with comforting and nurturing. Addiction is a relationship - a pathological
relationship in which sexual obsession replaces people.
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The last week was wonderful for me. I was present every day, I was aware everyday. I can now see, somewhat, what 'completely consumed by sex' state of mind had been doing to me. There is so much more in life. I do see light. There is still a lot of work to do. I am convinced a therapist can help me now. Counter 81
I finished my tasks I had to finish today, and I can see the stress dropped after it. The trigger was the usual culprit - stress. My old ways to disassociate and the desire to cope with stress was what showed up today. The habit element is strong, and the pathway will be overwritten by continuous practice and being present with my feelings. Thanks for the support today @Androg Counter 83
TakeActionNow
Respected Member
Being present with feelings is wonderful, and what also helps to reduce stress and pent up feelings which usually lead to relapse, was to have a healthy acknowledgment and reward process that creates feelings of wellbeing and closure.
I feel very positive today. I don't feel I am perfect like I wanted to during my addiction, but I feel really good today. I have this feeling of 'good enough' today, that with all the imperfections I have, I am still good to be living this bright day. I think, it is the good food I had today! 
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Counter 86I was feeling so good yesterday except in the night. I had a stressful conversation and decided to go to sleep. Then my phone pinged and I went to pick it up. It was some spam message. But then since I had the phone in the hand, I thought I will go check Linkedin out. And then I started to look at this woman's profile and saw her friend's post and then clicked on that. After a minute I realized how easy it is to slip. How everywhere the triggers are. I went and put the phone in the living room and went to lie down. I felt scared and a little guilty. I also felt how powerful the effect of long term abuse is.
It is not the fault of the world, it is just that I am habituated to interpret normal things as triggers! It is just not possible to check the intensions every second and therefore the habit has to change. It is the habit that took me there, while I had put my guards down. The guards can't be up all the time. To live in the normal world, we got to develop normal habits. The habit of treating everything as they are and not as our fantacies. The change of habit is a lot of work, a lot of hard work. And I am willing to put in the work.
What would be your advice in the situation I described above? What do you do in that very moment of temptation?
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It is not the fault of the world, it is just that I am habituated to interpret normal things as triggers! It is just not possible to check the intensions every second and therefore the habit has to change. It is the habit that took me there, while I had put my guards down. The guards can't be up all the time. To live in the normal world, we got to develop normal habits. The habit of treating everything as they are and not as our fantacies. The change of habit is a lot of work, a lot of hard work. And I am willing to put in the work.
What would be your advice in the situation I described above? What do you do in that very moment of temptation?
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TakeActionNow
Respected Member
You've made 3 great improvements here:
Recording your discoveries
Realizing insights into your behaviour
Effort to identify solutions
While asking for solutions is helpful, more beneficial would be to come up with some of your own and apply and test them. Build an inner cycle that identifies and resolve your issues quickly and independently.
@Androg's phone and alarm clock suggestions are good.
Self established limitations are also good. You first use your environment to help you as you develop inner resolve.
@Blondie's "porn is not an option is an inner resolve" that will eventually become most important.
You got this!
I am starting therapy next week. Finding one who is covered by by insurance was some work! I am a little uncomfortable, but let us see what comes of it. I have also decided to practice split exercise everyday for the next three months and see how far I can go with it. Counter 89
When you watch porn with that kind of intensity, most likely you have not had to turn yourself on, as paradoxical as that may sound. It’s as if somebody has cooked for you your entire life. You don’t really know what to do when you’re sitting in front of the ingredients. EP Counter 90
After resting for about 3 weeks after I resigned, I am now back to learning. I feel the motivation coming back to venture new unknown paths. I am not in full control, but I am so looking forward to it. There are a lot of discoveries of plain sight waiting for me, it seems to me. let's see. Counter 92