Time to End This Once and For All

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dienekes1

Active Member
I don't know whether to classify this as a relapse or not, but I stumbled upon a triggering image (on fucking LinkedIn!) and proceeded to "peek" at porn substitutes on Instagram and Reddit for around 30 minutes. I didn't visit any P sites, nor did I engage in M at all (and, accordingly, didn't O), but while I was down this rabbit hole, I pretty much lost all sense of time and space. My brain was totally flooded with dopamine and it was very difficult to pull myself away from the screen. However, I eventually did so and immediately took a 10-minute cold shower to bring myself back to reality.

I woke up today with some strong urges and felt pretty overwhelmed all day, on account of not having a full day off from either bar exam prep or military duties for about two weeks. I don't want to blame this incident on being busy and stressed out lately, but I think this is germane to what happened. Since I discovered PMO 15 years ago or so, it has been a method of mood regulation for me -- and even though I like to think I'm on the path toward overcoming this addiction, some deep part of my brain still craves porn and the "dopamine deluge" it brings with it, which distracts me from stress and difficult emotions. I'm grateful that this slip-up didn't result in a full-blown relapse, however, I'm not sure what to make of where this puts my streak to be honest.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @dienekes1, congrats on turning around in this moment, and going the other way. These things happen, it's what you do from it and what you learned from it, that's important. I personally wouldn't call this a relapse, because it wasn't porn, and just as importantly, you didn't masturbate or get off to it. However, each of us have our own perspective on what is or not a relapse, so you have to go by what you think and feel in this case.

This is okay, do don't beat yourself up about it. As you said, you've been using this drug to regulate your moods for many years now, it will take time to change that.

Keep pressing on!
 
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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 50

I’m going to characterize today’s incident as a mere slip as opposed to a total relapse. However, this slip was enough to give me a taste of the negative hallmarks of a true relapse — disappointment, impaired cognitive functioning, guilt, irritability, and impulsiveness. I’m reminded of how bad all of these things feel and why I decided to embark on this mission in the first place. Increased self-confidence and overall happiness are the primary “superpowers” I’ve experienced as a result of this journey and I wouldn’t trade them for the illusory, artificial pleasure offered by porn.

Porn is a lie, but a very enticing lie. It promises to make you feel good — and hell, it does, at least at first — but once the dust has settled and the post-nut clarity kicks in, you feel terrible, like you’ve betrayed yourself. It’s the same script every time, like clockwork. The fact that we, as men aware of our problems with porn, are fully cognizant of all of this but continue to engage in PMO anyway speaks to the potency of this addiction. This shit really is no joke, and it will ruin you if you give it half a chance.

I’m not going to let porn win. If I feel overly stressed tomorrow, I’ll find a healthy way to alleviate it — like taking a break from work to shower, read a book, or watch a TV show. What I will not do, however, is allow myself to peek at any suggestive material that could trigger a bona fide relapse. Porn is not an option — and has no place whatsoever in the future I envision for myself.
 
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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 51

Experienced a lot of urges today, but was able to successfully resist all of them. Stayed off social media, adhered to my routines, and kept busy. Rewarded myself by taking a nice long shower and having some ice cream.
 
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dienekes1

Active Member
Day 54

No urges to speak of, so today wasn’t too difficult thankfully. Met up with a friend I haven’t seen in two years and had a double date with our girlfriends. Was nice seeing him and exploring parts of my new city that I haven’t yet had the chance to visit.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
dienekes1 said:
I didn't visit any P sites, nor did I engage in M at all (and, accordingly, didn't O), but while I was down this rabbit hole, I pretty much lost all sense of time and space. My brain was totally flooded with dopamine and it was very difficult to pull myself away from the screen.
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This sounds very familiar, because a) I'm sure this happens to a lot of guys recovering from porn addiction, and b) more or less the same thing happened to me recently. You're doing the right thing by resisting and finding ways to calm down the urges.
 
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