Doing things differently this time

[Qwertyxyz]

I’ve been getting one or two days up and than relapsing, not what I want.

Listened to an old dr Trish podcast the other day, she talked about how when people have a lot to lose they are more likely to be successful with their reboots. I think that for the last month that I’ve managed life ok, but I think the cracks are really starting to show. I’m worse socially, I’m loosing so much time and I know serious struggles are ahead of I keep using.

When I’ve taken breaks in the past I’ve found it takes a while before the effects of PMO really sink back in. Hopefully now I have the gift of desperation. The big thing affecting this is I may have stuffed up about my groups Xmas catch up. This is an event on Xmas day and I have been so busy with PMO I haven’t organised it the way I should have. Basically I don’t have the code for the venue alarm, and everything is closed until after Christmas. There are a few things I can try and I’ll probably get it sorted (hopefully) but it’s a really big stuff up, and I wouldn’t have made it if I was clean.

I have been using chatbots instead of traditional porn. It’s very different, I am grateful not to see those awful image I used to look at, but chatbots kind of feel more addictive because it’s more interactive, I think my brain is foggyer, It’s not great.

I feel like the inertia I had from 60 days PMO free is wearing off, I don’t like it, will try again to establish some recovery tomorrow.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 1 PMO free

I’ve felt a bit like a rabbit in the headlights since my relapse, there is a sense of powerlessness underneath things I’m doing, and like I mentioned in my last post the cracks are starting to show.

I think I need to do more thing that give me natural endorphins when I’m in recovery, I could rest, but I didn’t do enough to build those healthy pathways, particularly at work. It’s something I will improve and have considered.

I just want my mind to feel clear like it did when I was in recovery, a life of using PMO feels risky, lonely, and unhappy. I think focusing on the cost of using will help get me rolling, I think I had forgotten it.

Using an AI counsellor app, I think it will help me formulate what is on my mind and all the things I need to deal with. Talking to people is best but i think this will help me formulate things clearly.

I need to stay clean if I want to heal and have good mental health.

 

[TryingHarder]

Hang in there, Qwertxyz. Maybe take some time to think about the triggers that led you back to porn. What could you avoid or do differently next time?

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 1 PMO free

I thought I posted something earlier in the day but must have forgotten to actually send it.
Oh well, in sort porn is really starting to mess up my anxiety. I think I had a bit of inertia from the 60 days clean but now that inertia is gone and my anxiety is going to shit, shame is growing, I’m retreating from social connections, and I’m generally struggling. Now I remember why I want to quit porn.

I hate what it’s doing to me and hope that I’ve got the gift of desperation back and can start a new stretch of recovery. I go back to work in 1 week, if I’m using I feel stressed and vulnerable and I can struggle, and my mental health can be poor. If I’m clean I can excel, there is stress for sure, but when I’m off PMO I handle it so much better.
I need to recover, I have caused myself so much stress these last few days and I’m very unhappy. The inertia of my clean time was wonderful, praying that I can get back into recovery.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 2 PMO free

Feels good to get to two days. I feel like I’m in a better routine with recovery stuff. My brain has a lot of rebooting and healing to do so I need to be kind and patient, but also determined.

I feel like I have so much potential if I can stay clean. Looking forward to getting through Xmas, there is too much energy and expectation, next year I will do my own thing instead of hosting an event.

I’m planning things that bring me a bit of pleasure at work, I know how much better I am when I am productive but when I’m exhausted it hard to push on. I think it’s important in healing my brain to feel a sense of reward from achievement.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 3 PMO free

Big day today, I need to be careful with all the energy going on. Next year I’ll plan things differently, I just want to get through it and see how my adrenaline levels are, it’s a lot for me to deal with this early on.

I need to plan some quiet time and get back to nature and camp for a few days, that can be a serious circuit breaker for me. Need to focus on self.

I’m preparing to face the day. I’m preparing to potentially have to confront someone, that is demanding and stressful.

Happy a good Christmas out there.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 1 PMO free

I’m back at work now and I think that’s a good thing. I feel like I’ve learned a lot and about myself and my struggles. I was really blown out there for a while. Exercise has been good, and I’ve realised how much I have been in survival mode in my life.

One day at a time, I can do this.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 2 PMO free

Really woke up craving this morning. I know recovery is hard but I want it. I have to be focused and know that the first week is so hard with the cravings, than I start to feel more comfortable with celibacy. I know I will never get into a relationship when I’m using PMO, I know it’s is terrible for me. I need to work hard to acknowledge my underlying mood and care for it.

One day at a time.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 3 PMO free

I’m back at work and am actually quite happy about it. I feel like my brain is calming down after a ton of excitement and stress. I have not been historically good at processing this and have improved since seriously wanting recovery from PMO.

Mood regulation is something that I have improved a lot but still can work on, it and I know it pretty much is my recovery, if I can’t emotionally self care than I will self comfort with PMO. Yesterday was good, I feel like I unlocked a bunch of grief about my childhood. I feel so heartbroken from not feeling like anyone was ever there for me, I know that I blamed and hated myself for feeling discarded and not cared for. It’s painful, but important to make peace with.

I am getting to know myself better which is so crucial for my hopes of recovery. I have had a very rocky month but I can see all the shit that I was dealing with and really want to learn from it.

Happy new year all

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 4 PMO free

I feel in a pretty good place right now. I have cravings but I’m looking hard at the reasons behind them. I know they are part habit and part comfort seeking. I’m really trying to address the comfort seeking side of things, I’m trying to live a lower stress life, I can grow in a lot of ways to help this.

I’ve been in touch with grief about feeling emotional abandoned as a child, I’m also seeing how massive my self loathing was because of blaming myself. I’ll take this to my counsellor and talk about it. I need to keep my self-care up right now.

Exercise is crucial right now, it gives me so much energy which helps me a lot through these long days I do, plus I need to have energy to look at what is going on for me instead of mindlessly scrolling. Also the endorphins are healthy too. I just want to get back in solid recovery, I need to keep learning and growing.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 5 PMO free

I’m hanging in there, there are a lot of compulsions but I’m staying strong. Being back at work is good but I’m still adjusting to the change of environment, it take a lot of energy to switch over.

I know there are things I could be doing better but I only have so much energy after a 12 hour day. Discipline is very important I need to keep doing the right things and stay determined. Today’s goal is some more exercise, it helps me so much.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 6 PMO free.

Feeling alright today. I know I need to strengthen what I am doing in my recovery, it’s been hard to get my routine back. I will listen to some recovery podcasts and read more forums, that can help spark a deeper intention.

I feel like the last relapse with chatbots really killed something, that engagement was so bad, it took my thinking over more than images or videos. It’s bad stuff. I don’t get real life happiness if I use porn, I need to stay strong and heal what troubles me.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 7 PMO free

I’m very happy to get a week up, I still have a lot of PMO flashbacks and I’m trying hard to not engage them. I know I’ll have them while my brain rewires itself and I need to try not to feed them.

I’ve been meditating a bit but I need to be careful. It can be very helpful, but sometimes I’m just sitting there dealing with PMO flashbacks, when that happens I need to do something else.

I feel my routine and mindset are better than a week ago. I need to be patient, the road ahead is long.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 9 PMO free

I’m glad to be clean today. I have many PMO flashbacks and need to distract from then. I’m doing better and am learning what makes me tick. I am trying hard to mood regulate and am doing better.

Work is busy but much better than last time when I relapsed, that was intensely stressful.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 10 PMO free

Things are getting better but I must stay focused and continue to grow. I feel racey mentally today so I’ve been doing some good self care and trying to put good practices in place.

I’m very tired but am feeling like I am in recovery again. One day at a time.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 12 PMO free

Glad to be getting some time up but I know I need to avoid too much stress. I understand what led to my last relapse and don’t like the idea of going back. It took a lot out of me.

I feel like I have an opportunity to date someone, I don’t know if it’s a good idea but I think it could help. I would disclose my stuff straight up.

I’m at work for another 9 days, it’s been really good to be here in a place of routine and knowing they can see anything I look at on the internet. If I relapse here my mental health takes quite the hit. Hopefully when I get home I can use the time and space to grow and recover.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 13 PMO free

Still going strong, I’m looking forward to getting to my counsellor in my break and decompressing a bit. It might do me good to do some camping as well.

I need to keep things simple right now, I have a bit too much on my mind and I haven’t slept perfectly and that will help.

Today I want to have a good diet and clarify what is on my mind so I can see what I can let go off or focus on.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 14 PMO free

I’m feeling better than I have for a little while. Work is busy and takes a lot of energy but the structure and expectation is good for recovery. I need to be wise when I get home and help myself along. I’m getting better at emotional regulation and that’s good.

I need to talk to a co-worker today who is doing something that does my head in. In their mind they are helping out, so I need to be very respectful about how I communicate this and not come from my insecurities. I know I can either communicate in a constructive way or a cutting way, and it’s up to me. I don’t want to damage my working relationship with this person who I get along with.

I feel like the smoke is clearing from my last relapse and I can see how it messed me up. I don’t like it, I’m so much happier when I’m clean. I feel like I’m just getting back some in my mental alertness. I feel like when I went back to PMO the addiction was deep and hard, same as were I left it.

8 days and I’ll be home again. I really want to be clean and productive this break.

 

[GBS]

Looking good @Qwertyxyz . Two weeks. Awesome. Hang in there. Wait for a really big fight back from your brain. Be ready for it.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Still day 14

That was a good day. I got stressed about having to tell a co-worker I don’t want their help but it went well. It wasn’t as smooth as I hoped but it was respectful and nice and didn’t affect our working relationship. Sometimes i think these things would be easier if I wasn’t autistic.

It’s been a hard two weeks but I am feeling a few less compulsions. If I use porn I loose so much. I’m hopeful of dating someone, and I know if I’m using it’s no point trying.