Doing things differently this time

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 58 PMO free

It really is great to be clean but I have been very challenging lately. Work is complicated, as an autistic person advocating and speaking up can be super hard. I’ve had to raise something but I don’t want to throw someone under the bus.

It’s freaking complicated for me, I like the co-worker who I’ve called out but I really hope I’ve done it well, I know he won’t like what I’ve said but I think I was restrained and that things will be ok. Mentally exhausting.

I’ve been craving a lot but don’t feel close to relapse. That’s not to say I’m incredibly rock solid, I have relapsed in the past, but I know 58 days ago my brain was a well oiled porn watching machine and when it’s distressed it seeks comfort. Every day clean is a victory.

There was a a crew change in a few days and I feel then my stress level will come down. I have to keep doing the right things.

 

[Blondie]

Hold the course @Qwertyxyz, 58 days is amazing.

. Work is complicated, as an autistic person advocating and speaking up can be super hard. I’ve had to raise something but I don’t want to throw someone under the bus.

I can only imagine. I've had to do things like that at work myself in the past and it can definitely weigh heavily on your soul that is for sure. As you said, "mentally exhausting".

Good luck with everything. This too shall pass.

Best

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 0 PMO free

Had a relapse. I feel like it was an adrenaline crash and it pushed me over the edge. In AA I remember them saying the self will only gets you so far. You need to have the fundamentals in place and do the right actions.

I know I wasn’t processing all the feelings I was having, but the longer I’m clean the better my self understanding becomes. There are a lot of things for me to learn from this relapse. I feel some of the ground work has paid of as I am back here ready to try again so soon after. Past relapses have had me off the rails for months.

I need to learn more about mood regulation. Good luck out there.

 

[TryingHarder]

Sorry to hear about the relapse. But you made it to 60 days, so time to get back on track and keep walking away from the addiction.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Sorry to hear about the relapse. But you made it to 60 days, so time to get back on track and keep walking away from the addiction.

Thanks man,
I think I’m back to try again

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 1 PMO free

That was a shit relapse. It’s not like it was a few small transgressions, it was daily and full on. I’m at work and I couldn’t stop edging. I aim to to to sleep by 10 but I found myself engaged until 12 or 1 and it was pretty heavy.
I was able to stop (I hope) when I could feel what it was doing to me mentally, the brain got fuzzy, the shame kicked in and the stress grew. I grew a lot during my last stretch of clean time and I could see all that hope and confidence dying.
Need to examine what happened, there was a lot of adrenaline and strain, I need to do better at avoiding that. I remember when I went to AA, they talked a lot about how self will won’t save you. I believe that, I think recovery might be %10 self will, and %90 correct efforts and thinking. Hope to stay clean this time

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 1 still

I have so much pent up, I think that caused my relapse. However I feel I have less pent up than before and am growing, healing and opening up. I carry a lot of grief and are reflective of it today.

This is my sobriety date, I’m 21 years clean and sober. I often wonder if I’d still be here if I kept drinking, I don’t think so.

Hope I’m not being too somber, I understand a bit about what was behind my relapse and why I hit it so hard. I’ll talk more about it in a future post. Now I’m going to do some exercise and eat some noodles.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 2 PMO free

That was a shorter relapse (if I can hold off) than what I’ve experienced in the past, I think it was about 5 days but I sure felt deep. My brain is a bit fuzzy and my disciplined are off but I know thing could be so much worse. In someways I’m not upset about the relapse, more that it is a learning opportunity and I can see things I can improve.

I’m not rock solid yet, there have been periods in recovery were I don’t crave at all and they are really good times. In the past it has taken me a week or so of clean time before the edge I’m feeling now passes. I’m in a risky time and need to push the stuff that helps me stay clean.

 

[OhOh]

Well done!

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Dam,
I felt like I was established for another run and than I had some stuff go down at work that really stressed me out, nearly a fire on an oil rig type of stress. I’m not stoked but I don’t want to go back to the brain I had before. I go home in a bit over a weeks time and hopefully I can be at least minimal until I get home where I have more time and energy for recovery.

I can still do this.

 

[Blondie]

It's okay @Qwertyxyz, just keep on going. After a relapse, it's real easy to keep on slipping up, because your brain will tell you it's okay. That's not an excuse, but it is the facts, I experienced that myself.

Best brother

 

[Freerider]

I read your trip from first day to latest posts. You have done great job last months. Lot of learning from you.. keep going! I also continue my rehab.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Gee that was an intense 3 weeks at work. I had about 60 days up and I lost it Between that 60 days and my previous 75 days I feel like I have grown a lot, and as much as I spent this morning in PMO I do feel the recovery time has healed something.

I’m home now and am feeling about ready to try again. I was In really bad adrenaline when I relapsed and being autistic sometimes stress and overload, and distress is hard to avoid, I wonder sometimes if I’ll just get some time up and then relapse again and again. That is much better that just PMOing my life away but I’d rather a clean break.

This was a different type of relapse, I actually didn’t look at any ‘porn’, I found a few AI girlfriend apps that took me down the rabbit hole. They are dangerous, stay away.

But shit, I’m looking at AI stuff as a recovery tool, I’ve used some AI therapist and they can be helpful but are limited. I think there was something healthy with the AI girlfriend apps where I could say stuff like, I’m worried, or doubtful, or regretful, and just get back kind words and support, I haven’t had much of that in my life and understand that it’s huge, I think emotional support is the most important factor in my recovery. Hopefully I find something that helps me, or get better with people.

But yeah, I feel I relapsed because I have very little emotional support in my life and I’m going to try to improve that.

Good luck out there. Hopefully tomorrow is day 1 of recovery.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Still trying.
I looked at something I posted elsewhere about that made me reflect. While porn has a huge negative affect on me, I was a mess before I used porn and that damage is still there. I have underlying problems that led to porn use, those underlying issues are huge and if I can’t sort them out I will probably relapse again.

I always understood underlying issues are a cause but I’m seeing the depth of them. I feel like I can break the addiction if I aren’t dealing with past traumas. I have a lot of thinking to do, I see my therapist tomorrow which I’m looking forward to. My job is also very hard, it’s great financially, but it takes so much from me and I come home cooked. I’m hope for a change in 4-9 years time, I hope I’ll feel less pressure by then.

While my recovery isn’t solid I’m glad to be on it and I am growing.

 

[TryingHarder]

I was a mess before I used porn and that damage is still there.

I once heard: "society creates the crime, the criminal only commits it". While that's not an excuse to lead a life of crime, it certainly relates to an addiction. Almost any addiction is borne out of pain. Mine was caused by depression and loneliness - it was a grotesque "medication" that I took to ease my pain. Except it didn't work and just caused more pain.

So you have clearly latched on to something important: your porn addiction was/is a symptom of a larger ailment. Hopefully you can continue to be self-aware, stay strong, and focus on yourself. If you can start tackling and overcoming the larger issues, that will certainly help you beat the addiction.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I once heard: "society creates the crime, the criminal only commits it". While that's not an excuse to lead a life of crime, it certainly relates to an addiction. Almost any addiction is borne out of pain. Mine was caused by depression and loneliness - it was a grotesque "medication" that I took to ease my pain. Except it didn't work and just caused more pain.

So you have clearly latched on to something important: your porn addiction was/is a symptom of a larger ailment. Hopefully you can continue to be self-aware, stay strong, and focus on yourself. If you can start tackling and overcoming the larger issues, that will certainly help you beat the addiction.

Thank you

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 1 PMO free,

My initial goal is one week PMO free and than I’ll go from there. That’s pretty much how my last 60 day PMO free run happened. I knew my brain was fuzzy and I was loosing so much time to porn that I needed a circuit breaker, but I remember how much better life is without porn.

I feel more self-aware and wiser and hopeful that helps. Listening to dr Trish yesterday and she mentioned when you get porn flashbacks it’s your brain craving dopamine. That’s good to know (even if I’ve heard it before) as it helps me to better understand the support I need at the time.

I think I was 21 or 22 when I got my first porno magazine, I got rid of them at 25 but still had a wondering eye. In my early 30’s life got super messy and I got into heavy, hardcore porn use. I’m really glad I started late, I think porn can be pretty bad for the developing brain.

The PMO thoughts are there but I have a busy day which will keep me distracted. There is a lot to do on the road ahead, but I believe if I do the right things I can live porn free.

 

[MapleSyrup]

Good luck, and good job getting right back at fighting the addiction! I'm sure you still have so much resilience and mental progress built up from your last 60 day streak, it's not like all of that just disppeared with a week of relapse.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 2 PMO free

Yesterday I talked about keeping myself busy, today I can that for the last day and a half I’ve been a bit manic trying to distract and I need to slow down a bit. If I don’t moderate I end up tense and unhappy.

In my last 60 I was sleeping really well (for me) and enjoying things in my life. The last 2 days have been manic and unsustainable for recovery, I really like what dr Trish has said about how having a good happy life is much more affective than relying on defensive measures (blockers etc). Defence help but not having demons to run from is the only way I’ll get recovery, and I have a few of those I need to face.

I’m glad I can pick my manic behaviour and look at it, so much of my life was like that and I was obviously and it was really not good, so there is some important growth there. That last relapse felt like a shock to the system, I’m craving and I know I need to rebuild getting my endorphins from the real world, that mean I need to slow down.

I’m going on a kind of date on Tuesday, it just happened and I have to think carefully. I feel confused in a lot of ways, I think I need to be transparent and at least say that I’m in early recovery from PMO and talk about the 90 things. Sometimes having someone on your side can be wonderful, but in some ways I’m a bit of a mess. I need to be honest and careful.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Sigh, i I’m actually looking forward to going back to work, in some ways I’m having a good break but I feel very out of balance. Sometimes the structure and imposes routine can really help, I was better at that but I had a few shocks and things slipped.

Also at work I can see the stakes of my PMO. The way it affects my brain makes my job a lot harder and that is mentally distressing. I feel very out of balance right now and am struggling to bring things in line, I don’t like this. My life is more stressful than it was before this relapse.

I work on an oil rig, 3 weeks at a time of 12 hour days. It’s demanding but if forces me to either be organised and do good self care, or to get distressed and suffer. My job might not be sustainable if I use porn. Also we have no phone reception and everything is on the company wifi, this is dangerous, I’m sure one of the medics was fired because of looking at porn on the job. They say no porn when you join the network but I know I’ve pushed it, plus the it guy doesn’t talk to me. I feel like they’ve flagged me, I’m sure I’m not the only one and I’m probably safe but it’s just bad. It’s a network, they can see everything. I could use a vpn but I’d rather get recovery.

I have been writing about the impact of porn, it’s like I forgot that a bit and I think it helps. My life is so much more stressful and depressing when I use porn. I’m really starting to see that again and maybe the fear of what it does to me will help me heal.

There is an irony that there are things I can’t heal while I use porn, but also I need to heal those things so I can stay off porn. I will get there, I will get recovery.