Doing things differently this time

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 58 PMO free

It really is great to be clean but I have been very challenging lately. Work is complicated, as an autistic person advocating and speaking up can be super hard. I’ve had to raise something but I don’t want to throw someone under the bus.

It’s freaking complicated for me, I like the co-worker who I’ve called out but I really hope I’ve done it well, I know he won’t like what I’ve said but I think I was restrained and that things will be ok. Mentally exhausting.

I’ve been craving a lot but don’t feel close to relapse. That’s not to say I’m incredibly rock solid, I have relapsed in the past, but I know 58 days ago my brain was a well oiled porn watching machine and when it’s distressed it seeks comfort. Every day clean is a victory.

There was a a crew change in a few days and I feel then my stress level will come down. I have to keep doing the right things.

 

[Blondie]

Hold the course @Qwertyxyz, 58 days is amazing.

. Work is complicated, as an autistic person advocating and speaking up can be super hard. I’ve had to raise something but I don’t want to throw someone under the bus.

I can only imagine. I've had to do things like that at work myself in the past and it can definitely weigh heavily on your soul that is for sure. As you said, "mentally exhausting".

Good luck with everything. This too shall pass.

Best

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 0 PMO free

Had a relapse. I feel like it was an adrenaline crash and it pushed me over the edge. In AA I remember them saying the self will only gets you so far. You need to have the fundamentals in place and do the right actions.

I know I wasn’t processing all the feelings I was having, but the longer I’m clean the better my self understanding becomes. There are a lot of things for me to learn from this relapse. I feel some of the ground work has paid of as I am back here ready to try again so soon after. Past relapses have had me off the rails for months.

I need to learn more about mood regulation. Good luck out there.

 

[TryingHarder]

Sorry to hear about the relapse. But you made it to 60 days, so time to get back on track and keep walking away from the addiction.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Sorry to hear about the relapse. But you made it to 60 days, so time to get back on track and keep walking away from the addiction.

Thanks man,
I think I’m back to try again

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 1 PMO free

That was a shit relapse. It’s not like it was a few small transgressions, it was daily and full on. I’m at work and I couldn’t stop edging. I aim to to to sleep by 10 but I found myself engaged until 12 or 1 and it was pretty heavy.
I was able to stop (I hope) when I could feel what it was doing to me mentally, the brain got fuzzy, the shame kicked in and the stress grew. I grew a lot during my last stretch of clean time and I could see all that hope and confidence dying.
Need to examine what happened, there was a lot of adrenaline and strain, I need to do better at avoiding that. I remember when I went to AA, they talked a lot about how self will won’t save you. I believe that, I think recovery might be %10 self will, and %90 correct efforts and thinking. Hope to stay clean this time

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 1 still

I have so much pent up, I think that caused my relapse. However I feel I have less pent up than before and am growing, healing and opening up. I carry a lot of grief and are reflective of it today.

This is my sobriety date, I’m 21 years clean and sober. I often wonder if I’d still be here if I kept drinking, I don’t think so.

Hope I’m not being too somber, I understand a bit about what was behind my relapse and why I hit it so hard. I’ll talk more about it in a future post. Now I’m going to do some exercise and eat some noodles.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 2 PMO free

That was a shorter relapse (if I can hold off) than what I’ve experienced in the past, I think it was about 5 days but I sure felt deep. My brain is a bit fuzzy and my disciplined are off but I know thing could be so much worse. In someways I’m not upset about the relapse, more that it is a learning opportunity and I can see things I can improve.

I’m not rock solid yet, there have been periods in recovery were I don’t crave at all and they are really good times. In the past it has taken me a week or so of clean time before the edge I’m feeling now passes. I’m in a risky time and need to push the stuff that helps me stay clean.

 

[OhOh]

Well done!

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Dam,
I felt like I was established for another run and than I had some stuff go down at work that really stressed me out, nearly a fire on an oil rig type of stress. I’m not stoked but I don’t want to go back to the brain I had before. I go home in a bit over a weeks time and hopefully I can be at least minimal until I get home where I have more time and energy for recovery.

I can still do this.

 

[Blondie]

It's okay @Qwertyxyz, just keep on going. After a relapse, it's real easy to keep on slipping up, because your brain will tell you it's okay. That's not an excuse, but it is the facts, I experienced that myself.

Best brother

 

[Freerider]

I read your trip from first day to latest posts. You have done great job last months. Lot of learning from you.. keep going! I also continue my rehab.