Was listening to a Dr Trish podcast this morning, something I don’t do as much as I used to. Sometimes it hit things right on the head. She was talking about the lack of self awareness when in PMO addiction, boy do i relate to that, I think my last relapse was partly due to not having well established cause and effect ideas. I realise I’m still learning and I really am still early on.
I’ve had compulsions and I’ve played with fire by letting them linger, I have to be very aware of what I am trying to comfort within myself, I’m focusing on healing trauma right now and I think that’s a great idea for me.
It’s good to get reminders that I still have a long way to go. I’m growing and it’s great, but it is also a great time of patience for me.
I feel pretty good today. I listen to a podcast yesterday that really reminded me to double down on my not dwelling on recalling PMO stuff.
I know I can kind of watch porn without watching porn because of the way my brain is fried. I feel like I lost a bit of momentum but it’s coming back now. I’m glad for all the resources out there to help recovery.
I’m working each day to heal my anxiety and trauma. I realise how my my self awareness was in PMO addiction, it full on and I’m glad getting better, no wonder I relapsed last time, I had no idea what was going on.
When I have PMO thoughts I remind myself how bad things were. My used got darker and more extreme and it had such a powerful negative effect on me. I could take breaks sometimes and feel like I was getting better, but all that was lost so quickly when I relapsed.
I found the darker and more extreme the porn the more psychologically damaging it was. I don’t trust my brain with sex so I’m happy with full celibacy for a while, I don’t think I’m someone who can recover otherwise.
That’s my motto at the moment. I’m starting to feel my brain change a bit and it’s good. But part of my still wants to find a way back to porn. I want to go to places where I can check people out, or I want to scroll social media where I might see images. I have to be very disciplined now to establish a better recovery.
I feel like I’m running on less adrenaline than I used to, and that’s nice. I was listening to a bit of Dr Trish yesterday about brain scans and brain damage from PMO. I was actually re-listening to stuff I had heard before but it just helps to reinforce it.
PMO has a very powerful affect on me and it the difference between me doing well at work and me struggling and worrying about job security. PMO cause so much stress and anxiety for me, it’s a shit life I can’t go back to.
I feel more self aware this recovery attempt and the fog I was in is scary. Good luck out there
It’s nice to feel like I’m in recovery, I really do feel different than I did before. I like how I’m not sexualising women as much and am generally more relaxed.
I turned on my old computer to find a program I wanted to use. I knew there was porn on it so I started by deleting it. I had put this off as I knew looking at the files would remind me of my using. I deleted all and am glad, I felt a temptation to look but was able to resist. I need to be vigilant today because I know it’s had a slight affect on me.
It’s great to have 50 days up. I guess I’ve been feeling a bit of flatline lately but I know it could be much worse. I have occasional intrusive PMO thoughts and I need to not dwell on them, the comfort they offer is highly destructive.
I am often talking around my PMO addiction with people without mentioning it, so it’s really good to have mainly this forum and a few other places to be open about what’s going on. That’s important.
I feel alright today, but I’m going to have a quiet one. I went out last night with a group, it was nice but as someone with some social anxiety it can push me. I feel that I’m craving a bit this morning because the energy around going back to work and pushing myself out of my comfort zone last night.
I need to be good to myself today and get out of the house.
My ability to reflect is so much better than before. I got in a craving way earlier and have really been able to break out of it. Getting out of the house is great and so is journaling and listening to helpful podcasts.
Porn really messes me up, it destroys confidence and self-esteem, messes up my brain so I struggle with everything. I have no hope if I’m using porn.
I feel more confident about my recovery which is really nice. My eyes can wonder and sexualise more than I want and I need to watch that. I really enjoy times when I’m not feeling like a slave to sexuality.
Another funky morning. I have a bit of emotion running around. I’ve been feeling discontent lately and I feel I came to understand it better last night. I’ve gotten a friend out of my place and mostly out of my life which is great because they caused me massive stress and anxiety. But this is the person in my life who has felt like natural family. I’m feeling a bit of grief and loneliness. It’s good to put it out there and I know if I’m off porn I can build relationships. If I use porn I’ll isolate badly.
I’ll be in my rhythm back at work soon and that will be good for me.
I’m exhausted, my first day back at work and I’m wiped out. I’m glad to be here and clean, the last few days I’ve had some temptation but have held off. I know it’s because of stress and I’m looking really hard at how to do it better. I’m doing journaling and am heading back to my psychologist next month.
I am becoming much better at not living in adrenaline and stress, that was my go to norm, that’s where my porn brain wins. I have to take this seriously, and I am but change takes time. I need to be disciplined so I can forge habits.
I feel being here the way I am right now is great. Have to keep working to grow
If I used porn again my ability to feel confident and relaxed at work dies and I go back to high stress and fearing that my job is unsustainable.
If I used porn again my ability to develop meaningful relationships is destroyed and I go back to isolation and shame.
I am not happy when I used porn, my life actually sucks when I use porn.
I need to be vigilant about my thoughts as so often I have intrusive porn thoughts that seem so comforting to act on but will just drag me down again.
I feel a little in the danger zone. The last 3 days have been hugely exhausting and I haven’t had the usual ability to reassess, evaluate, and do some sort of action. Being back at work is always a transition.
I’m starting to feel more adjusted to being back at work and am looking forward to having some downtime where I can look at what is causing so much compulsion right now, I feel I know what’s affecting me but putting it into words helps a lot.