Doing things differently this time

Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 31 PMO free

It’s good to get a month up. I have some strong cravings from time to time but I’m always looking for the underlying reason, stress, anxiety, fatigue, rust on habit, or things that just both me. Acknowledging and dealing with things make it so much easier for the compulsions to pass.

Last relapse I was not so smart and just tried to distract from and ride out the compulsions, self reflection and focusing on reducing and managing stress is very good for me.

I’m in transit on the way home from work and am stoked that I didn’t relapse while at work, it was challenging for sure. This recovery attempt feels a lot different and better than the last.
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 32 PMO free

It’s nice to be home resting. I woke up to some compulsions this morning but they have passed. I just need to recharge today.

I was only diagnosed as autistic 3 and a half years ago and I feel like I’m just starting to understand things about how my brain works. And i think I learned a lot about myself from the 75 days PMO streak I had earlier this year too. Self-awareness is so important 🙂
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 33 PMO free

I work away, 3 weeks of 12 hour days at a time. It’s very exhausting but I manage. Coming home has been a time historically when my PMO use goes ballistic because I have just been bottling up things for the past 3 weeks. I have done so much better on expression and self awareness this time, but still I’m exhausted and not in my groove. I’m good though.

I’ve long had issues with a friend of mine that I’ve helped out. I would let her stay at my place and help her out financially, we are different and while we started out really close we drifted apart. She did things like taking small stuff and leaving things in my flat, which is small. I couldn’t get things through to her and eventually became more assertive in call out how things were affecting me, I could see it hurt her but I had I just couldn’t absorb her dysfunction anymore.

I came home from work and she had taken all her possessions from my place including her Guinea pigs that had been there for over a year. She also left her keys in my mailbox. No animosity but we both know we aren’t good for each other.

In one hand I’m stoked, she caused me so much uncertainty, stress, and strain. But in my life she has been the person who most felt like family so I’m feeling a real sense of grief. It’s a lot to process and it creates space for other relationships to come into.

If I stay off PMO I know I can connect more to others.
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 34 PMO free

I think I’m sick or something today. Completely wiped and a bit of a head cold. It could be covid, I’ll test myself later. Today will be mostly spent on the couch trying to recover, so I need to be disciplined about what I dwell on, I have PMO thoughts often but they pass.

I definitely am exhausted, I need to think about ways to not get so wiped out, I know I can stress myself out with projections so I’ll work on that. It’s kind of nice to be limited, sometimes I can’t moderate and it hard on me.
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 35 PMO free

It nice to get 5 weeks up.
I’m feeling a bit better today which is nice. I have been stressed lately and need to find some relaxation.
I think I’ve really benefited from the quit porn meditation I found on youtube, I listen daily and I think it’s helped me stay strong.
This break I will spend some time looking at my past, I think I have trauma there that still affects me.
I’m also seriously considering quitting coffee, I’m wondering if it bad for my stress and anxiety.
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 36 PMO free

I feel good today, I’ve been less stressed and healthier which is nice. The way I look at women is starting to change, it used to make me feel quietly ashamed when I was attracted to someone and in the background were porn thoughts, that was awful and I’m glad it’s passing.

I’m examining the tension that caused so much of my porn use, I have been tightly wound for such a long time, in my last attempt I don’t think I unwound that tension very well, I’m doing much better with that this time.

I’ve been squaring things away at home and feel wave of anger towards my friend who used to stay with me. Borrowing, or replacing things, moving stuff around, taking stuff out of home. I’m (too) compassionate but I can only take so much. My friend had adhd and trauma but in regard to me didn’t take responsibility for her symptoms. She started to show some discipline and intent, and made progress but there’d has been so much damage done. Part of me thinks of trying to reconnect later but much stronger is how often I thought ‘I wish I didn’t have her in my life’.

I’m enjoying the word celibacy right now, I’m very comfortable with it.
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 37 PMO free

Ideally I would have been asleep 3 hours ago but my mind is racing. I feel a bit raw like I did way back when I quit drinking, I feel like it’s a bit of an emotional detox. I keep thinking about things that have messed me up and traumatised me. So I got focused on a hobby to try to distract but I just went to bed thinking.

I’m going to sit down in a quiet place and write everything out, there is so much I’ve absorbed over the years and I’m still carrying it.

I’m going to move than try for some sleep 💤
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 38 PMO free

Feel like I can close to relapsing earlier on. Sometimes when too much is happening I loose a bit of self-awareness, that a challenge for me as I find the complexities of life to be exhausting sometimes and can feel some real mental distress.

My mental health hasn’t been great the last few days but I’m hoping things shift as I start to write about what is pent up within.
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 39 PMO free

Rough couple of days.
Couldn’t sleep last night so I got up after maybe 3 hours sleep and started what I’m calling my trauma journal. It was tense, I’d write stuff down, get up seething, write a bit more get up again. I won’t lie, I had some ugly and violent thoughts. But it is so good to capture this shit so I can express it and let it go. I feel like something has loosened up a bit now, like a bit of pressure has been released from my brain.

I’m rough but feel I’m on the right path. I haven’t done much exercise in this last week so I’m off to yoga this morning, I forget how beneficial exercise can be for me, it releases so much tension.

Have a good weekend all.
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 40 PMO free

Phew, I feel like I’ve made it through a couple of pretty tense days. I feel like I’m more relaxed and have had the best sleep in quite a while. I think the impoverishment is down to two things, 1 starting a trauma journal and talking about what I’m writing, and 2 physical activity like yoga and running.

I have a Garmin watch and over the last week my average sleep score is 35, and stress is 66. Those are really bad numbers and I need to keep healing those wounds within and doing the right things. It actually helps to see that I am objectively stressed and that’s why the cravings have been challenging.

I’m going to a meditation thing today and that’s good. Healing is a long process.
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 41 PMO free

It’s been a good day and I’m feeling better. I need to slow down and protect my energy level, I can easily do to much and do it in a high impact way.

I was in nature today and realised how coiled up I was. I’ve been slowing down and it feels better.

There are some really positive things happening for me right now, I know they are all because I’m clean, and if I go back to PMO it all goes away.

Gotta keep up the good fight ☀️
 
Qwertyxyz

Qwertyxyz

Active Member
Day 43 PMO free

I’m not sure how I managed to forget to write here yesterday, I guess it was pretty busy. I feel that I must stay strong with my disciplines, I feel if my life was all sweet and in balance I feel recovery would be easier.

I think my biggest challenge is in communication, particularly face to face. I have some social anxiety and while sometimes forcing against it is healing, it can also reinforce memories of distress. I know improving my social anxiety will take me being brave and smart. You can’t heal alone.

I really like this forum, with social media you feel braced for strong opinions and over simplicity, here it’s really good 👍
 
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