Rider,
My original comment isn't really a personal thing directed at you. Your decision is yours and I respect that.
The question "to tell or not to tell" seems to always come up around the time the guy is waking up to the impact of his diminishing hobby on not only his life, but the lives of others.
Every guy doesn't ask the internet what to do, but a lot ask - or it seems that way. Most will take the responses and decide not to tell for some similar reasons you gave above - minimize the "hurt" for the partner and "wait until I'm successful" are common refrains.
If you had a communicable disease, would you tell your partner? Ebola? STD's? Do you kiss her if you have the flu? Not telling is like being Typhoid Mary, only for mental anguish and codependency.
As I delve more deeply into why I choose to react the way I did before and after learning "the secret", I see a pattern of behavior in myself that says I absolutely knew something was wrong. I worried and compensated and covered for him long before I knew what it was I was dealing with. I tried my best to hold my head high when he told his friends he had a "smoking hot secretary" in front of me.
I made choices that were not in my best interest, set weak boundaries, made allowances and centered myself around "supporting" him rather than being strong for myself. I adopted codependency behaviors that supported his addiction. I am trying to unwind that now, for me first and then to support him if he decides to kick this thing for good.
Addiction guarantees codependency in the partner. That burden may have developed or already there when the relationship started. I helped him be a pmo addict with a professional facade and a loving family and sacrificed my needs. It takes two to be married and an addict.
Not telling, the fear and shame, kept that engine running for many sexless years of tears and walking on eggshells and disconnection and disengagement and looking to him for identity as a woman and thinking there is something wrong with me.
[size=12pt]It seems kind, leaving a partner unaware, but it isn't. Not knowing means the partner can't make informed decisions to heal, while the addict can. It is selfish, imho.
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I respect your decision Rider, but understand you are taking away her ability to decide.