My Journey

[lyon03]

Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly Scott. That took a lot of courage. Many of us share similar histories. We also share a common goal: freedom from addiction. Here you will find love, support, and a group men who will never judge you. But I think you're already well on your way because you possess two things I believe are integral for reboot and recovery: honesty and an iron-clad commitment to be free from pornography. I really look forward to following your journey brother. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[notgivinup]

My 2nd visit for the day. I just re-read what I wrote earlier. Feels good to see that on the screen.

So....I spent days, weeks, years and years and years doing regular pmo.

At this point, it feels so good to not be turning to it. I feel like my brain is breathing....and my eyes and body feel more energized and rested...more than I can remember feeling in quite a while.

I took another cold shower this morning....at first I told myself that I wasn't going to do it. I just couldn't imagine actually doing it again this morning...the electric shock feeling of water that cold on my body.

But...I did. and as always, I'm glad I did. It's like a kick-start...and I'm glad I did it.

I usually ease into it, however. Start out kinda warm water, then slowing change it over.

I want to experience the full shower ice cold. I think I may do it tomorrow...and you know what? I won't do it unless I commit to it right here and now.

So, here goes. Tomorrow morning...ice cold all the way. Not trying to prove anything...I just want to do it. So...that's what I'm going to do.

Again...so glad I'm here and so glad you men are here with me.

Thanks.

 

[notgivinup]

It's been almost 2 weeks since I have been pmo free. My counter says 9 days, I think.

Time is flying for me, tho. I can't believe it's been that long.

Tonight, my brain is trying to play tricks on me...it's like the scenarios keeps wanting to present itself, saying...it's okay. Won't it be okay to just look at some things online and masturbate? imagine how good it will feel....blah blah blah blah blah.


NO.

It will NOT be good. It will only open up the flood to more destruction and more blackness. It will be like encasing my head in cement again, and it will harden, and only after I have wandered around in a fog again...may for YEARS...while my children grow up and leave home and my wife become completely depressed and tired of this...then, MAYBE then, I'll begin to chip away at the cement again and try to get out.

NO...it will NOT be good to do pmo. It will NEVER be good to do pmo again. NEVER EVER EVER.

porn and m is NOT an option.

I just wanted to get that down on the screen and in record again tonight.

I am not going back.

I am thankful for the men here.

Thank You all, guys.

 

[notgivinup]

so...for the record...this morning's shower was all cold water. It was not the completely freezing water at first...but it was COLD. Then, full cold...freezing cold. But the crazy thing is that it was easier to get used to.

I enjoyed it, actually.

I feel so energized today. I feel almost euphoric today...I am enjoying the freedom from pmo, and looking forward to wild sex again with my wife.

Funny thing...I have been realizing that it's really not just about sex with her. Yesterday and today I was just thinking that I love her. I was realizing that I want to be near her...and if it goes to sex....excellent.

I want sex....I really do. But, I love her and I want to be near her. The way men are wired (and I know this because it's my experience as a man) is that we feel most loved and accepted when our woman opens up her body. I will personalize this....I feel most accepted by my wife when she opens up her body to me. It's how I feel accepted and affirmed by her more than any other way.

I still desire to connect with her emotionally...but it's pretty vulnerable...and scary.

I am looking forward to being past the flatline feeling which I still feel most of the time. I was thinking it was just because of aging, and stress. But, I feel like my brain is breathing again and I feel like I am living again, and I just want to keep moving.

So glad to be here.

 

[Leon]

Glad you're here, Scott. I felt your pain as I read your story- I've gone through a Christmas or two after divulging to my wife my struggles, feeling free in the moment (relieving my own guilty conscience) only to spend the next few weeks or months with an angry wife, during a time when there should be the 'joy of the season'.

It does get better, and the wives themselves begin to recover, right along with you as it were. Just remember to give her space- it's a lot for them to take in, the feelings of betrayal, of loneliness (now explained), of being lied to, etc... Remember (and I know this is difficult) the pain in their eyes, when they initially realized, and use that as a motivator, as something you NEVER want to put her through again.

Stay strong- and draw your strength from Christ, from your fellow rebooters here. 

 

[notgivinup]

Another day....

This morning, I was actually a little excited about braving the freezing cold water in the shower.
No easing in this time...just full blast freezing cold water from the git go.

It actually was easier this time...and actually felt good pretty quickly. I think I'm going to make a habit of this. The exhilarating feeling has hung on and remained. I like it.

Funny thing is, my weiner was like sami hard from the experience...it was wild. I didn't really expect that...but that's what happened.

i'm still pm free. P&M are no longer options for me. I wish I had never allowed P...ever in my life...but from here on...it is not an option....and neither is fapping.

I have been drawn to my wife in new cool says lately. I made it very clear to her that I intended to have sex with her yesterday....and she loved it. She did tell me, though, that she was in her monthly time, and that it would be a painful thing for her. So, I didn't press the issue....BUT....

we ended up lying on our bed yesterday, her in my arms, and just talking. She told me a lot yesterday, and how thankful she is that things have changed for me and for us...and it was a very cool time. I kissed her...a lot, and began to feel things happening in my body just from kissing her. It was awesome...oh, and that was when she told me about her cycle...so, I had to cool things down.

But...any day now. I can't wait.

I have had PIED for about 4 years now...and I'm ready to move beyond it. I'm just going to keep at it...no so much afraid that it will happen again now. we'll see.

Still PM is no longer an option.

So glad to be here.

 

[lyon03]

I'm happy for both of you Scott. You've come a very long way in a short time my friend. I believe porn kills love & intimacy so just imagine how things will be in 60, 90, 120 days and beyond. You shared a lot of very powerful memories in a recent post. Once I removed the drug of PMO, my ugly past was exposed like a raw nerve. This gave me two choices: deal with the pain or run back to porn. I chose the former because I'd prepared for it. I've learned that reboot is more than just fighting addiction and getting your mojo back. It's about dealing with the buried emotions that led down the path to addiction. I'd urge you to be ready to talk to someone (other than your wife) if and when your past comes back. I think I've made it this far because I had an army of people behind me, encouraging me, counseling me. I'd recommend getting a copy of "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. The book was a huge help during my reboot. Be well my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.   

 

[notgivinup]

My counter says 13 days and 1 hour. It's really great to see that. Wow. really great.

I had felt my brain and mind want to walk into the shadows recently. It's like my brain has been saying...."pssssst. you. look over there....into the shadows....go ahead...it's okay...."

and I keep slapping my brain and saying, "QUIT IT."

It feels good to be resolute about this thing. No more saying, "how long will I last this time?"

I cannot go back. PM is NO LONGER an option.

It was destroying me and my family. It was destroying my wife.

I am now dealing with all the residuals of my life while I was walking around in a daze and doing PMO PMO PMO PMO day after day after day.....

There were so many things that I was ignoring and putting off...and just not getting done. and NOW...now, I am dealing with all the fallout.

I had never seen it before...but I do now. I am trying to catch up...and it feels like I'm running my fastest, and only making up inches each day.

So....NO MORE PM....and I hope that the big O happens again soon with my wife. I want it bad.

So, I'm here. I feel present, and I feel unafraid. I feel like I am doing the right thing now.

I'm so thankful for the men here and I am so thankful for this forum.

I plan to get a workout schedule for me and my son in place soon. I'll post it here once I have it done.

Had another COLD shower this morning. It felt good.

Okay..that's all for now.

Thanks.

 

[notgivinup]

Today I feel like I have hit a wall.

I'm at just 2 weeks...and my body and my brain are turning on me.

I have an unexplained pain in my neck that runs up the back and to the side of my neck, up the side of my face into my ear and jaw.

My ears are plugged up.

and I am depressed.

I was feeling great...and now, seemingly out of nowhere...I'm in physical pain and in emotional pain...and I don't know why.

I feel depressed...and I don't feel that way often.

I'm not sure what's going on...but it stinks. PM is still not an option for me. I will not go back to that crap that was killing me and my life and the people around me whom I love. I will not go back to it.

But, right now, I feel like crap, and wish I could connect with someone here.

That's all.

 

[lyon03]

Hey brother. You're starting to go through withdrawal. If you haven't already downloaded a copy, get "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson and read it every time you start to feel withdrawal symptoms. Given my experience, there was a certain "what the f*ck" phase that lasted roughly two weeks. The brain is in suspended shocked without the dopamine spikes caused by screen stimulation and masturbation. Your brain is starting to crave the dopamine and expresses its hunger via withdrawal. I had night shakes, severe mood swings, head rushes, and aches/pains. Most of this pain is imagined. While often unbearable, this is just the brain attempting to get its favourite drug back. But you should remember this is healing and an integral part of your reboot. Stay strong my friend. And keep repeating to yourself: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[savingmysoul]

Hang in there my brother,

You have gotten a good start - and trust me better days are definately ahead for you.

Hold your strength tight, feel the emotions - and know your triggers.  Have your battle plan ready to put into action should you come face to face with a trigger.  Its good you know that your brain may try to trick you, try to get you to do what it wants.  2 weeks is a great start.

keep up the good work.

 

[notgivinup]

Thank you, Lyon and SMS for your responses.

It's just good to know that you men are here. Thanks for what you wrote.

Porn is not an option. My body and my brain are hungering to go back...but it is not an option. I have screwed myself up with PMO...and it is no longer an option.

Thank you.

Going to bed now.

 

[notgivinup]

14 days and 20 hours.

The past 12 hours, my body and brain have been standing on the ledge, about 30 stories above the ground, it seems. My physical body and the pathways worn in my brain are trying to convince me that if I jump off the ledge, I'll be able to fly. The truth is....if I even lean out that way...I will not stop until I hit whatever immovable reality is at the bottom....and I will be destroyed. My wife will be destroyed. My kids will pay a terrible cost...and they will be innocent in it all. If I even lean out that way, it will destroy my life.

So...PMO is not an option for me. Porn is not an option. The old images and whacking off....what did it ever get me? It isolated me.....it isolated me from life. It isolated me from my own emotions. It isolated me from my wife, and from my children. It covered me with thick layers of fog.

My plan for today.
1. I am going to pray.
2. I am going to jot down my list of goals for this day (on another piece of paper so I can easily refer to it).
3. I am going to get in 100 push-ups (not all at once...yet).
4. I will look for "Your Brain on Porn" and begin to read it.
5. I will come back here again today and write.
6. I will take another freakin freezing cold shower before going to bed tonight.
7. I will keep my thoughts from going back to the memories of the P

That's all I have for now.

Porn is not an option. Another day....and I will walk through this day without going back to the garbage.

The benefits I am seeing in my life because I have stopped the PMO are these:
1. I feel present in my life and my relationships.
2. I do not feel paralyzed and unable to act
3. I am connecting with my children
4. I am connecting with my wife.
5. I feel stronger
6. I do not feel weighed down with shame
7. I am feeling....and seeing the damage I caused in my life with PMO
8. I am getting a lot more things done.
9. I am feeling more confident in my life
10. I have met some really awesomely cool men here on this site.

That's all for now. Porn is not an option.

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing Scott. Remember: withdrawal and (later) flatline are both your mind/body healing. I remember being on top of the world thinking "This is it. I'm free!" only to be hit with he biggest and most blindingly painful migraine of my entire life. This was all in my head because my brain wanted dopamine through porn. I now call it my mind's 'Hail Mary' pass. Most withdrawal pain is imagined. It's just your brain f*cking with you to get the porn back. I know it's not easy friend but it gets better. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[notgivinup]

15 days and 22 hours...

I'm still here...still moving forward.

Thanks lyon and R2G for the encouragement.

Feels like my body and brain are trying new strategies to get back to the pixel garbage. I'm feeling a lot. It's almost like a boredom and hunger at the same time. It's almost like my body and brain want to shut down. I want to scream. What I most need is to go to a gym and engage in a gruesome game of dodge ball with a bunch of guys. I need someone where I can get aggressive....and I need it now.

I got in only 30 pushups yeseterday...20 regular followed by 10 diamond pushups. My life is just so feaking busy. I have kids and a wife, and I love them...but I am pulled every direction every time I turn around. It wears on me.

I'm just going to say this here....I have barriers that I have to get past with my wife. Sexually. I know that for the past 5 years I have had increasing PIED...and I led her to believe that it was stress...and I know for a while she thought it was just her.

So, I became terrified of trying to have sex with her...because more and more frequently, I couldn't actually do it.....and I think she became scared of it because her few infrequent advances toward me....I brushed off, or tried to ignore (because I afraid I wouldn't be able to do it).

And so now...we are at this place where I think I can...and I am now feeling at times (like yesterday) like an Alpha buck needing release...but there is so much going on around me in our home....kids range from 17 yo to 6. My wife saying she needs to finish fixing dinner, and then we have to run out to so and so and do so and so....and we have to get there before they close....and I'm feeling like my eyes are going to pop out of my head because I want her, and I want to have sex...or at least try again.

So, we ended up in bed last night...and usually my wife goes unconscious early...but last night she was awake. We lay there in the dark, and I had my hands on her...and she was like motionless....nothing. I just freaking want her to touch me.

I'm going to go ahead and vent this here...I just freaking want her to touch me...WITH INTENT. ANYTHING at all.

I have asked her to do this before, and she got all defensive...like it was all up to her whether or not I got hard or whether or not we ended up having sex...and so I'm like a guy who has burned his hand on the stove. I'm pretty reluctant to touch it again.

So....I could have pushed the issue last night and just kept going...but I think I was afraid of her asking me to stop. Yep, that was the problem, I didn't want to be pushed away.

So, I stopped, and fell asleep. My raging desire had died down a bit from what it was earlier in the day...and so I was somewhat bargaining with myself. "Do I keep pushing the issue here? Will I even be able to get hard and go through with it?" "Will this end up in frustration for both of us?" "Should I just roll over and go to sleep and wait for another time when I'm pretty sure it will work?" ......agonizing.

I finally decided to just stop and go to sleep. It felt demoralizing...and was all inside my head.

This morning, she asked me as I was getting ready to leave the house.....do you need anything? She was offering to make toast...or whatever....and I just said, "I want YOU." I grabber her from behind...and she said to me, "So why didn't you take me last night?"

I was astounded.....I said to her, "You just laid there...you did absolutely nothing. So, I eventually stopped."

But, I guess that would make it sound like I made it all about her, huh? I didn't get that until just now writing it.

We have so much freaking crap to get through...and it's all because of my stupid PMO...for years and years.

Sometimes I think it will all be okay once I get to the point where I'm sure I can just do it...and I take her and do it again.

I don't know.

I just want to feel that raging desire again that wells up so much that I can't stop it.

But today is day 15, and about 22 hours. It is another day. It is 15 days further than I have been in a LONG time.

I will keep going. Porn is not an option. I am keeping my brain from going down the memory pathways of the stuff I used to look at all the time.

I will keep going.

Porn and M are NOT options for me.

Thanks for being here, guys.

 

[Phase2]

Great post. Well, in short, she's had her hand burned on that stove for years too, so naturally she has no idea what to do. I think you guys need to communicate a lot better. Talking intimately will bridge the divide, lessen anxiety and lead to meaningful sex. Talking is foreplay. Also, don't go for the grand slam yet. Pleasure her only. Or try the Karezza method (look it up). You need less anxiety about performance so take small steps forward. You are in the rewiring phase. Don't expect to go from 0 to 60 just yet.

Good luck, buddy!

 

[notgivinup]

Phase2...yes, I know. I could hear it ringing in my ears......we have to learn to communicate about this issue better...because right now that part of our lives is a mess. I messed it up. She's been burned, too. You're right.

I will be glad about today...and glad that I am 15 days clean and making the right choices here.

I just want it to be better...and the fact is, I destroyed it one day at a time over a period of weeks, months and years. Now, I am rebuilding...and it will be days, weeks, months, years. Slowly.

Thanks for the reminder to just be patient. A little bit each day...and it will be built again.

Today, PM is not an option. That is my determination, and I will focus outside myself today from this point forward...just for today. I'll deal with tomorrow when it is here.

Thanks for writing.

 

[ready2go]

Hey Scott,
Man you are making such incredible progress, and so quickly.  It's like the fire hose has been turned on and you're trying to drink from it. 
I agree with Phase2; it took a while to get to where you've been; take some time to back up and then start to grow around all that. 
How wonderful your wife knew you wanted her and was willing to give herself to you.  Each of you have expectations and just going slow with gentle talking, caressing with no expectation or attachment to anything either of you think you *should* do - or not do.
The main thing here is you are PMO - free and committed to remaining so.  Everything else will fall into place at the right time.  Letting her know what you want and need is fine, but take small bites.  Maybe a shoulder rub, tummy rub like a dog, some kissing and hugging.  Spooning.  Stroking the skin, softly. 
I wish I could follow my own advice, but it sounds good. 
Keep going man.  You're amazing.  And so is your progress.

 

[notgivinup]

R2G, you wrote:

The main thing here is you are PMO - free and committed to remaining so.  Everything else will fall into place at the right time.

That is gold. Thank you for the reminder.

Man, it helps to be in contact with you and other men here. Thank you.
Thanks for the gold.

NGU

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing Scott. I received some sound advice while in early reboot: don't try to fix everything in your life nor make any life-changing decisions while starting to deal with addiction. It's just too much. You are communicating with your wife even if you just make it clear that you're going through a difficult time, are getting help, love her very much, appreciate her support, and will be ready to tell her everything in X number of days. Most wives know everything but may not be ready to accept the truth just yet. And from what you wrote, there is a lot to deal with as far as your relationship but perhaps not right away. You can't take on too much at the same time brother: reboot; work; kids; and healing your relationship/sex life. So what's my point? What helped me was focusing on first things first and that means your sobriety/recovery. Be well brother. You're not alone.