15 days and 22 hours...
I'm still here...still moving forward.
Thanks lyon and R2G for the encouragement.
Feels like my body and brain are trying new strategies to get back to the pixel garbage. I'm feeling a lot. It's almost like a boredom and hunger at the same time. It's almost like my body and brain want to shut down. I want to scream. What I most need is to go to a gym and engage in a gruesome game of dodge ball with a bunch of guys. I need someone where I can get aggressive....and I need it now.
I got in only 30 pushups yeseterday...20 regular followed by 10 diamond pushups. My life is just so feaking busy. I have kids and a wife, and I love them...but I am pulled every direction every time I turn around. It wears on me.
I'm just going to say this here....I have barriers that I have to get past with my wife. Sexually. I know that for the past 5 years I have had increasing PIED...and I led her to believe that it was stress...and I know for a while she thought it was just her.
So, I became terrified of trying to have sex with her...because more and more frequently, I couldn't actually do it.....and I think she became scared of it because her few infrequent advances toward me....I brushed off, or tried to ignore (because I afraid I wouldn't be able to do it).
And so now...we are at this place where I think I can...and I am now feeling at times (like yesterday) like an Alpha buck needing release...but there is so much going on around me in our home....kids range from 17 yo to 6. My wife saying she needs to finish fixing dinner, and then we have to run out to so and so and do so and so....and we have to get there before they close....and I'm feeling like my eyes are going to pop out of my head because I want her, and I want to have sex...or at least try again.
So, we ended up in bed last night...and usually my wife goes unconscious early...but last night she was awake. We lay there in the dark, and I had my hands on her...and she was like motionless....nothing. I just freaking want her to touch me.
I'm going to go ahead and vent this here...I just freaking want her to touch me...WITH INTENT. ANYTHING at all.
I have asked her to do this before, and she got all defensive...like it was all up to her whether or not I got hard or whether or not we ended up having sex...and so I'm like a guy who has burned his hand on the stove. I'm pretty reluctant to touch it again.
So....I could have pushed the issue last night and just kept going...but I think I was afraid of her asking me to stop. Yep, that was the problem, I didn't want to be pushed away.
So, I stopped, and fell asleep. My raging desire had died down a bit from what it was earlier in the day...and so I was somewhat bargaining with myself. "Do I keep pushing the issue here? Will I even be able to get hard and go through with it?" "Will this end up in frustration for both of us?" "Should I just roll over and go to sleep and wait for another time when I'm pretty sure it will work?" ......agonizing.
I finally decided to just stop and go to sleep. It felt demoralizing...and was all inside my head.
This morning, she asked me as I was getting ready to leave the house.....do you need anything? She was offering to make toast...or whatever....and I just said, "I want YOU." I grabber her from behind...and she said to me, "So why didn't you take me last night?"
I was astounded.....I said to her, "You just laid there...you did absolutely nothing. So, I eventually stopped."
But, I guess that would make it sound like I made it all about her, huh? I didn't get that until just now writing it.
We have so much freaking crap to get through...and it's all because of my stupid PMO...for years and years.
Sometimes I think it will all be okay once I get to the point where I'm sure I can just do it...and I take her and do it again.
I don't know.
I just want to feel that raging desire again that wells up so much that I can't stop it.
But today is day 15, and about 22 hours. It is another day. It is 15 days further than I have been in a LONG time.
I will keep going. Porn is not an option. I am keeping my brain from going down the memory pathways of the stuff I used to look at all the time.
I will keep going.
Porn and M are NOT options for me.
Thanks for being here, guys.