My Journey

[notgivinup]

Chile...big LIKE back at you. Thanks.

emanedur....thank you. That is a huge boost.

Today....is, what...day 27? I think it is.

It's a good day...I am still seeing some results of coming up out of the fog. It pains me to think of all that I missed with my kids before now....and something from the past couple days is another example to me.

In looking at all that my daughter has to complete for preparation for college....instead of wondering why she wasn't doing certain things....I sent her an email, and said, "Here are a few things that I want you to do..."

and I numbered a bunch of stuff....returning phone calls to admissions counselors who have called for her...and I listed their phone number, and told her...have a pen and paper in your hands while you talk. Think of questions you want to ask before you call.

I told her to send a hand-written Thank You note to the Admissions counselor of another school...and to send one to the office of the university president thanking them for the scholarship she has been awarded...and I gave her the addresses, etc.

I also gave her a due date on these things...and told her to let me know when they were finished.

She replied and basically thanked me and then said that really she hasn't known what to do, and hasn't known where to start, and didn't even know the questions to ask...."

I was stunned. She has been one of those dream kids that has a near photographic memory, and who has excelled in many ways.

But, I realized from her short response that I have not engaged her life and I have not led her. I believe that I have allowed my children to drift...not because they are inclined that way...but because I have not been anchored, and I have not connected with them and led them.

I'm not spending any time lamenting all this...but I have been hit with the reality, and I know that I have to NOW engage and lead them and guide them, and give them verbal instruction and to provide for them the opportunities they need to engage in life.

I have been so over my head with shame and fog and lust and looking for the next "high" that I have not been living my life and I have not been leading those who are looking to me for leadership.

Yesterday my wife said to me...."You know, I have been sleeping a lot better lately. I'm not waking up in a panic any more wondering if such and such has been taken care of. You have been taking care of things...and I don't have to worry."

It's not that I was a total derelict before....but I let a lot of stuff slip by me...because I "forgot." How pathetic is that? My choices to lose myself in pmo were killing me, killing my brain, and killing my ability to think, or to organize, or plan.

It's still a challenge....and I still deal with the residuals of all the days that I spent with my head in the hole...while the world went on without me.

But, I am changing it now...simply by choosing today to say no to pmo. I usually don't write the O part...cause I'm experiencing that now with my wife. But I used to do all that together, pmo pmo pmo every day.

No more.

P&M are not an option.

 

[Chile]

Great post Scott. I know what you mean about residual effects of porn. Just remember that God`s plan is to restore all the years that the locusts have stolen. Your relationships (and every area of your life) can eventually be like porn never happened. We will have more rough days ahead but the prize is worth it.

 

[notgivinup]

Chile...you're right. I thought of those very words yesterday. I am hopeful for a life that is restored. On my own it's not possible. I am putting my life in God's hands. I believe He is loving and trustworthy.

Thanks again for being here and for your commitment to doing the next right thing.

You are an encouragement to me.

Thanks.

 

[notgivinup]

Not sure what day I'm on...but I'm still pmo free.

In a hotel tonight with my wife...just me and her. It's really cool.

But we were up really early today...and have had a full day. So, she is sacked out, and I'm in bed next to her now. I'm making this short and I'm going to sleep soon, too.

Just wanted to check in for the record...still committed to no pmo

Porn is NOT an option.

Thanks, men.

 

[Leon]

You're on 30 plus days, no pmo- Scott. Very commendable, and congratulations.

Hotel / motel rooms used to be 'high-risk' for me, as I'd wait for my wife to fall asleep, so I could 'accidentally' find myself on a porn channel, or something.

I've seen a change in me, even before RN, that this no longer interests me. I go to sleep when my wife does, when we're travelling, and am no longer obsessing over 'seeing something' on the stupid T.V.- though, don't get me wrong, I still enjoy watching T.V. in general- but, edging is no longer an option.

Peace and joy- brother.

 

[notgivinup]

Wow...day 31...really? wow. I am so happy about this.

The deal is...pmo left me lonely, and isolated and in a fog. I was in a bubble...and unable to hear my family and unable to lead them. I was in a mist...and unaware that I was there.

Today was a great day. Woke up in the kingsize bed with my wife. We had some time before we have to be anywhere...and I was still feeling pretty tired...and was talking a bit with my wife.

TRIGGER ALERT = if you are sensitive to anything sexual right now, etc. Just skip the bottom part. Just know that I am still pmo free and committed to saying no to pmo.







So, I was feeling so tired, and we were talking for a bit, and I felt absolutely no sexual arousal, just because I was still so tired. Then I just started thinking about my wife again and that I am her husband, and I began to think about her body...and in 3 - 2 - 1....whamo, zingo. I was like aroused.

She said she had to go to the bathroom....and as she was getting out of bed, my had was on her, and I just kept it on her until she was out of reach, and I just said, "please come back after you're done."

She went to the bathroom, and then came back and got in bed. She told me that her head was hurting....and I couldn't keep my hands off her. I was aroused, and in like less than 60 seconds I had a complete hard on.

Couldn't help myself...and I won't go into all the details...but we had sex again. and it was awesome. and AGAIN, it was like I had to stop myself from ejaculating, then I was back at it again, and in what seemed like less than 60 seconds again I ejaculated. It was incredible.

The whole thing was over in about 5 minutes....and she enjoyed herself, too.

I didn't really hold back because we didnt' have THAT much time, actually, and because I have been enjoying the newness of our sexual relationship again.

I have felt drawn to her all day today. At one point she just walked up to me while I was sitting in a chair working on something and she just pulled my head into her breasts and held me there and said that she loved me. I could hear her heart beating...and I just kept doing what I was doing, but, MAN did I enjoy that.

Later today, I looked at her and just said, "I love sex with you." She looked at me, and her eyes were sparkling, and she said, "really? so, i'm okay for you?" I was a bit shocked, and I said, "uh...yeah...like you are awesome." She loved it...and so did I.

I know it's about more than just sex....but the sex is awesome with her. I love her.

Oh, and I didn't realize it until just a few mins ago....I didn't even think about trying to see any junk on tv last night. I am so glad. It feels like all the junk is dying to me.

I'm glad I'm here and glad for the other men here who are making the choice to say no to pmo.

porn is NOT an option.

woo hoo.

 

[Jimmy James]

Scott is the man!

 

[Leon]

Awesome, Scott! Rewiring with your wife- way to go!

 

[notgivinup]

Today is March 1st. 32 days into my goal.

It is a bit of a celebration for me....the entire month of February, 2015, I did not look at porn, and I did not fap.

I had sex with my wife either 4 or 5 times. Wow.

I do not want to look at porn. It only screwed me up. It was killing me. I was destroying my life and the lives of my children and my wife. I was losing everything because of it.

I am gaining ground now. I can see around me now. I feel God's love now. I am able to feel love from people around me now. My birthday is very soon, and today there were people on Facebook wishing me happy birthday. Either I never saw it before, or never felt it before, but today it felt like a flood of love in my life seeing all the birthday wishes. It was awesome. I'm not a big believer in FB. I'm not on there a lot...but today I had to check out something that I knew someone posted, and I was flooded with people wishing me a happy birthday (even though it's not today....I never put real personal data about myself online - although all the posts about my journey here have been real and true).

But, still....it was a flood of good feelings today.

I'm happy to be saying no to pmo.

I'm so thankful again for the men here who are making the same commitment.

porn is NOT an option.

 

[lyon03]

Well done Scott! Congratulations on 30+ days. The first month was the hardest for me so I know life will continue to improve for both you and your family. Be well my brother.

 

[notgivinup]

33 days.

Yesterday was a difficult day. I just generally felt under it all.

I think I was coming down from a few days of excitement. We took our daughter on a college visit, and everything went very well. The meeting with the lead prof in her choice of study went very well. The prof was very impressed with my daughter's work in the area and flat out told my daughter that she had more ability and talent that some of the recent students who were entering into grad studies in this area. The prof told us that she was recommending our daughter for a scholarship. It was an exciting visit.

But, physically, I was tired, and the emotions fell in line with the tired body, and yesterday was not a fun day at all.

Still.....I was aware that pmo is not an option. I'm not sure I can find words to describe what pmo is really like now.

This morning, I had a few memories of a couple sites that I used to go to regularly...and I was remembering a few of the formats of the pages....and it all seemed so sad to me as I thought about it this morning. It seemed to sad to me...the cycle of the guys on there. There were chat rooms, and profiles...and stuff....and it now seems so pathetically sad to me. It isn't real. It is hollow. There is nothing to be gained by it all. There is only loss of relationships. Loss of money. Loss of clarity. Loss of opportunities. Loss of my own sense of worth. pmo is not an option. It only steals from me. It not only steals from me, and beats me up and leaves me in a bloody pulp...metaphorically speaking.

Today, I am breathing again, and seeing, and feeling.

I feel better today than I did yesterday. I'm glad about that. I am more glad that I did not pmo yesterday. I didn't even consider it yesterday.

Today, it is not an option.

So glad I found this site and the men here.

porn is NOT an option.

 

[Leon]

Still.....I was aware that pmo is not an option. I'm not sure I can find words to describe what pmo is really like now.

This morning, I had a few memories of a couple sites that I used to go to regularly...and I was remembering a few of the formats of the pages....and it all seemed so sad to me as I thought about it this morning. It seemed to sad to me...the cycle of the guys on there. There were chat rooms, and profiles...and stuff....and it now seems so pathetically sad to me. It isn't real. It is hollow. There is nothing to be gained by it all. There is only loss of relationships. Loss of money. Loss of clarity. Loss of opportunities. Loss of my own sense of worth. pmo is not an option. It only steals from me. It not only steals from me, and beats me up and leaves me in a bloody pulp...metaphorically speaking.

Today, I am breathing again, and seeing, and feeling.

Excellent insights, Scott. What I hear you describing is a difference literally between life and death. We traded our lives in for what is death: lifeless, empty and shallow portrayals of a warped version of intimacy. Folk greedily pursuing pleasures when all the while failing to truly connect on an intimate level. This is why sex is meant for a lifetime commitment, and was never meant to be entertainment, was never meant to be 'fly-by-night', momentary or a one night stand. The best sex is the kind that's within the context of a deep and caring relationship. We naturally long for those things, but we fail to find them in impersonal and twisted depictions of what's meant to be deep and meaningful.

Now, you're experiencing life- reconnecting with your wife, with yourself, no longer disjointed, disconnected. Saying, 'No' to pmo is a choice literally between life and death. Remember when Paul was talking about certain young widows, who after losing their husbands pursued a life of hedonism? He described them as being dead- while they yet lived.

 

[notgivinup]

so...I'm back again in the same day...

and it seems my brain is trying to repave the old roads of garbage....

I'm just remembering loads of junk that I used to do....stuff I used to do online and the people that I did it with...and just loads of crap that I used to just heap on myself. It's like I used to try and cram all the pmo I could into my brain, and now my brain is trying to play it all back for me with the volume turned way up....REMEMBER??? Come on....remember how GOOD it felt???

DANG

It's like a last ditch effort to get back all the poisoned chocolate chip cookies I used to feed myself. I could only taste the chocolate, not the poison, and I was killing myself. Just one more taste, right?

dang.....what a stupid, hideous, pathetic pile of garbage. I was freaking KILLING myself. Why would I go back to that??!?!?!?!?

I am NOT going to pmo today.

I am not going back to it. Not matter what, I'm not doing it.

I just have to say it here. and say it clear.

The memories...they keep banging at the door of the frontal lobe....and keep wanting to take center stage. Today, I am visualizing myself with a bazooka...and each time one shows up, I'm loading the sucker and seeing the memory blasted to a vapor. That's how I am handling those memories today.

I am NOT going back.

porn and m are NOT an option.

 

[notgivinup]

dang....if anyone has a minute and circumstances that you would allow a phone call today...I need to talk to someone today.

Send me a private message here...and I'll even let you call me. but, I cannot tell you how easy it would be for me right now to get up out of my chair and go to the bathroom and fap....just because of the memories of all the crap that I used to do.

This is unbelievable. it is taking all i have right now just to stay here in my chair in my office. I am not moving.

 

[notgivinup]

back again...day 34....5th time on RN....

not sure if I am being hit with a wave of testosterone....or what's going on....

i'm not erect, but I can actually feel the pre moving through my dick while i'm sitting here...this is crazy. I'm so freaking feeling like I want to go fap. This is nuts.

still...i'm committed to no p and no fap today.

going to do a little more rewiring my wife tonight....have to.

feeling crazy right now....damn

 

[lyon03]

Hey brother. Thanks for sharing. These feelings are strange but quite common during reboot. The brain goes a bit postal so highs and lows, both for emotions and horniness, happen during early recovery. I remember getting intense blueballs when aroused and followed by urinating seminal fluid in a sort of boner-free orgasm. I unfortunately can't chat as I'm just heading to bed but hope you could connect with someone. I'd recommend getting a sponsor or sobriety partner to talk through future episodes. Thinking of you my friend. PMO IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[Leon]

Scott, don't make any judgments about it. So you're here for the 5th, 6th, or 7th time today- so? However many times one needs to be, right?

You seem to be in a 'high-risk' area right now, for whatever reason. Instead of trying to directly 'fight' it, which may actually feed it, put your mind on something else- forget about it. Don't worry about it.

Or, find out why. What is it that is driving these feelings right now? Was there something that 'triggered' it? What is going on externally or internally that you're feeling this way? How are you processing things right now? For some reason, you're wanting to self-medicate. It would behoove you to try and find out why... Like, when did this start? What set it off? Is it being alone, is it boredom? Is it being tired or exhausted? Are you angry or hurt about something?

The important thing is to not try and hide from these feelings, but face them, work through them without running away through porn or masturbation.

You can do this, and we're here with you.

 

[Feetfirst]

Hey Scott, well done for hanging in there brother. I am very familiar with where you are at right now and entertaining the thoughts is dangerous ground to be on. So yes use your bazooka on memory replay cause all that is doing is reopening brain pathways making the next step all the more inevitable. Having recently relapsed and only now gaining my sanity as a result I strongly urge you. Don't do it. It will make you feel like shit. It simply isnt worth it. The problem is is when we are in the aroused state and even feeding the arousal with memories or fantasies we don't recognize that we are in a deluded state of mind. How could we? By definition we cant recognize our condition. This makes it all the more dangerous because in the deluded state we tell ourself lies. Just one more time. No one need know. Its no big deal. Just a peek. And because we are in a deluded state of mind we believe it!! Then after the event and the harsh lights come on and we wonder WTF! How did I fall for it again? So Scott, I wish you all the strength in the world. Best option is distraction. Recognize your enemy at this moment are only the wrong thoughts. Recognize that your mind can only hold one thought at a time. So focus on a positive thought and the negative thought will fall away as a result. or get out and get exercise, great way to shift the mind. Cold shower is always an option I suppose but not for me. Sorry if this feels a bit of a lecture but I so get where you are at and if this helps well all good. Otherwise just bin it. All power to you my friend. FF

 

[Chile]

I had the same type of withdrawal experience the last 3 days, even had the tissue paper ready. I noticed you had a very "high" experience just before being pushed to the edge, kind of like Elijah defeating the prophets of Baal and then running for his life from Jezebel. Withdrawals suck and are very dangerous. I only made it because my wife showed up at just the right time and because God is good. Keep coming back to the Nation!

 

[notgivinup]

back again....Lyon, Leon, Feetfirst, Chile...thank you.

What you all wrote helped me anchor. FF...wow...thank you. You're right. It will all be a screwed up mess if i go back again....and it's only garbage. I can't imagine walking out into a garbage heap and sitting down and starting to feed myself from rotting garbage. I won't do it.

Thank you, men, for what you wrote. This place is incredible...no, you men are incredible. Thank you.

so...I have gotten to this point in the day...it's almost 10 p.m. I'm going to shut this down and go in and get into my bed and close my eyes.

Hey...I did have a fantastic weekend...super high highs....and I'm coming down. Also, yesterday I had some memories and re-acquaintances with guys I have known in my healing journey. Many of them are online in videos....and I saw a lot of familiar faces I have not seen in a number of years. It all kind of stirred up a lot of stuff in me. I won't describe all the videos and who and what exactly they are...but it all stirred up stuff in me...and I think I'm feeling the residuals of it today.

All that stuff had it's place in my past and had it's place as part of the healing in my life...but I'm not there any more...and I have moved past that. I'm not the same guy I was back then. Thank God.

But, I know that I have to keep moving forward and looking forward...replacing the old with the new and taking care of myself and my family and moving forward.

I am so grateful for the men here and for the men who are speaking into my life here. This is good.

Onward.

porn is NOT an option.