I wish I could say that I'm completely rewired, but I simply can't. Currently I'm really confused guys and don't know what methods should I take in order to beat my problem.
As I said previously, I believed that a week without MO is a reasonable period of time during which I can accumulate and store my sex energy, boost up my libido. (I can't totally abstain from MO because I constantly experience severe pains in lower back and balls area). Since the last O which was more than a week a go I haven't had any severe pains and that felt great.
During the week I was feeling really good in terms of the libido. Morning wood on a daily basis, huge sensitivity, rising hornyness. Anything related to my GF would turn me on- the smell of her her, hugging, kissing etc. Constant boners during the time we were together.
Yesterday we tried to have sex again (7 days no MO, remember). Daily meditations is a good thing, yet towards the evening I caught myself being filled with thoughts of possible failure again. Tried to beat them with all my might saying to myself 'it's all about having a good time, sharing romance, having fun). And we did have hell of a lot of fun. Nice evening, some wine, candles etc. When things began to become more intimate I took this 'lets play a game' approch rather than 'I must perform, I can't fail etc. And it was all great, believe me. Felt so confident that failure to me started to look like an issue that was just a part of old me (because I had rock hard erections on and off before the actual intercourse). I even let her to put a condom for me, and everyting was perfect, up until the moment I started to fell that my erection was slowly decreasing (this is shortly after putting a condom on, and I don't know why that was happinig. I really didn't have much anxiety or anything at that momemnt). Instead of panicking, I focused on my GF kissing me and rock hard erection came back. As soon as I entered her (not even fully) I ejaculated without even assuming or feeling it that was coming. Wasn't insanely horny or anything. It was totally spontanious. Jesus. Why? Where all those boners which I felt during the week (even wasn't able to fall asleep one night) have dissapeared when the right moment came? Losing erection, regaining it, and then orgasming in an uncontrollable manner. I managed to keep an erection afterwards by being stimulated orally, though.
I've been meditating daily for 30 mins. during the past 2 weeks, eating healthy. Last evening I used wine in moderate way to calm myself down and even took small dosage of prescribed medication for anxiety and nervousness (it doesn't lower your sexual drive or damage erection, at least in my case). Porn is even out of the question here. No urges, no fantasies, no flashbacks regarding it. It's not a problem for me anymore.
I just simply don't know what to do. My GF is very supportive, luckily. As I felt that after first 0 I might not live up to the task we started pleasuring each other orally, and at least I gave lots of satisfaction to her in that fashion. I was thinking about trying a different pose in the morning, but realised it's not even worth trying- my my happy just didn't want to be rock hard.
Perhaps I still need more time, I don't know. I thought about abstaining from MO as tool for rising the libido, which kinda is, yet it resulted as PE (which assumed might be one of the negative aspects of it). But what to do than. I really don't wanna be back on regular MO activities, no way. That would leave completely drained and unmotivated.