Update:
1. Just had a really bad night sleep. Actually, for the last few days I had quite vivid dreams. I usually do not remember my dreams at all, but on all of previous three nights I remembered them and they were bad dreams. Nothing connected with PMO, though (at least that's not something I remember). But this night not only did I have a quite bad dream, but I just couldn't fall asleep and I was very nervous, anxious in my bed. It's really unpleasant and it reminds me of my first reboot, where I really had an incredibly nasty withdrawal, also in the sleeping department.
So I'm thinking if it's not this phase of reboot kicking in. Any words of support would be much appreciated.
But there also might be another stressful thing in my life affecting me now, which leads me to point 2.
2. I have beed seeing a psychotherapist for more than 3,5 years now, once in a week. It is a paid therapy, it is not cheap and so it forms a significant amount of my budget every month (around 1/4 of what I have left after paying the bills). I started seeing him around the beginning (or actually some time after) of my first reboot (which started 4 years ago, this is my second reboot).
During the therapy we covered an awful lot of different topics. All aspect of life were discussed: childhood issues, raising up, relationship with parents and so on. At times these have been very fruitful discussions. At other times - not so much. I would say generally that there were phases where things were fruitful and other phases when it wasn't that fantastic.
While seeing him I many times thought of finishing the therapy. Most of those thoughts were actually signs that I was not doing particularly: avoiding some issues, relapsing or something like that. Many times during my therapy I thought to myself that I do need support but I was thinking about some different type of support: I heard about group therapy and I was thinking that maybe that would do the trick. My therapy covered my addictions as a first-hand issue and we discussed tons of stuff connected with it in the beginning of the therapy (I think at least for 1,5-2 years) but I must say that I had this impression that my therapist is sometimes not taking the addiction's force too serious. He was always asking me to look behind the mere addictive behaviours and think about emotional backgrounds in which those situations operate. And obviously its a proper attitude, something which is a very important lesson that will stay with me for the rest of my life. But I have this feeling that when I had slip-ups or relapses, he was not always so considerate. This is where I was thinking that a group of fellow recovering addicts might be a good company: they know how this works, what are the emotional states that are together with them and so on.
And then, a few weeks ago, I found this place and decided to just start. Not wait for anything. Just start the reboot, here and now, with those of you who are there and want to join, help, support. Very idealistic, but this seems to me an idealistic place. It should be this way. This is important.
After I started out here, I decided to speak to my therapist and tell him that I wanted to tune out of the therapy and I set the end of June as a date. It gave me some time to wrap some issues up and to get ready, as finishing therapy after such a long time obviously would not be an easy thing.
What hurts and stresses me now is that my therapist, although he did not generally question my need to finish the therapy, questioned why did I choose the end of June and why did I think it was a good date. In between the lines there was a suggestion that this was too early and that setting an exact date might not be a good idea. I of course told him that I joined the forum here and that I liked the place. Also when I discussed with him the fact that I had a PE problem, which I understood myself no further than three weeks ago (after finding an article about PE on YourBrainOnPorn.com), just before joining the forum, he said that he was surprised that I was telling him about it so late in therapy. I honestly think that it is not OK, and I will tell him that when I meet him on Wednesday, but obviously that stresses me out a lot.
What is characteristic about all this is these discussions were going on for our last three therapy sessions and I only had the balls to bring them out today. I don't know why really. I think I felt shame. Why? I don't know, I only know that shame is very connected with this addiction.
Any help, ideas, thoughts, support, impressions or your own experiences (even the extreme ones) are very much appreciated.
Also if you guys had any questions after reading the above, just ask. I might be missing something myself.