NewBee said:
Another interesting detail I noticed from wathing the video this time was that the nerve cells that we starve of dopamine while we are abstaining from porn actually multiply at about 7 to 10 days into our reboot. This causes increased urges as our brains scream for the dopamine hit with an increased number of cells in that general period of the reboot. This could explain, for me anyway, why I seem to be on a 1-week or 2-week cycle. Somewhere in that timeframe my brain starts screaming for a hit. It starts rationalizing - just a peek, go on, edge a little, you'll really quit next time, why are you quitting anyway, you have no other sexual outlet, you deserve SOME pleasure, etc, etc. etc. It's my brain, doubling those dopamine receptors, turning up the heat in order to get me to cave.
And I'm there right now. Gotta find a way NOT to cave. I have to fight through. I need to feel what it's like on the other side of the 2-week barrier. Maybe it'll be easier. Maybe the urges will less intense or occur less often. I don't know. I've never been there. It's actually kind of appropriate that some of the rebooters on another site call themselves fapstronauts. Out where no man has gone before. Porn-free space, the final frontier.
The withdrawals start when you quit, build up over a week or two and then slowly ease. It sucks that it has to get worse before it gets better, but such is the nature of the beast. The first time or two I experienced it, I didn't really know what was going on...only knew I felt miserable. Like anything else, do something a few times and you learn better how it works. Gary's video very accurately describes what happens to me personally during withdrawal. The two week hump is a big deal. It still sucks at two weeks or so, but I feel that the 2-3 period is as bad as it gets. From there the withdrawals slowly get better and it becomes time to focus on the life issues that trip us up. Withdrawal anxiety may not be the problem down the road, but real life anxiety may cause you to seek relief, or maybe it's boredom, loneliness, stress, sexual tension, emotional loss, etc. My mistake has always been that I let my guard down and fall back into old habits.
DON'T fight porn. Visualize yourself saying "Go to hell porn, I am not fighting you anymore". Don't fight it. Don't think about fighting it. Sooner or later it will get the best of you if you are engaging it in a fight. The final stage of addiction prior to healing is "Surrender". At that point, you come to realize that you cannot fight and win. You will never win the fight in the end. You must realize that the addiction is stronger and walk away from the fight...it's the only way. You WILL NOT beat this addiction long term with strength.
You may be thinking "WTF?", but I can say with complete assurance that it all comes down to a Surrender mindset.
The stage before Surrender is Acceptance. In Acceptance, we realize we are addicts is our minds and hearts. We realize that it hurts us emotionally, spiritually & physically. We know something has to be done. We know it hurts our relationships, our work, our families. In Acceptance, we have the knowledge that this is a REAL problem and something needs to be done. I stayed in this stage for a long time and even had some success in rebooting, but here's the problem...you will never beat it long term if you don't come to the point of Surrender. It is clear in posts everywhere...it is clear in my own journal as I look back and it is evidence as to why my own success was short-lived. The mindset that we can still "Fight" the addiction (any addiction) shines light on the fact that in our minds we still think we can beat the addiction. Everywhere you look guys are fighting their best and then slipping. An addict can stay in Acceptance for the rest of his life, recognizing the addiction, trying his hardest to get out and perpetually "fighting" and never breaking free. It is sad, truly sad, because once at that point the answer is sooooo close. The answer is to give up the fighting.
This is only my opinion, but when I look into my own heart and why I chose for so long to fight instead of surrender, I think it was because on a subconscious level I really wanted to keep porn as an option somewhere on the horizon. If I could "win the fight", then I would be stronger than porn. In that way, maybe after some time I could indulge a little bit, maybe revisit the old custom made girlfriend mentioned earlier in this journal. In my mind, I loved her and didn't truly want to let go, at least not forever...again, I'm thinking this was on a subconscious level and never would have admitted it, even to myself. If I were stronger than porn, then I would be able to use again and control it. This way of thinking is why I and so many others have kept fighting, and kept failing.
At this point, I surrender...I am giving up on the fight. I will fight no more. The porn bastard can gloat, I don't care. He's kicked my ass for the last 29+ years. Every time I thought I could fight him, he wore me down until he won. Those fights have cost me plenty. He will not beat me and take anything else away. I will not fight. I am walking away. The Surrender mind set has finally given me peace in this process. I cannot control my porn use, it is not manageable. I can not win...I will never win. An addiction cannot be beaten. You have to heal from an addiction. The healing requires distance from the addiction, not engaging it in any way whatsoever and this includes fighting or wrestling with it.
