fcjl8
Active Member
Thank you LTE, Cosmo and somethingelse, your kind words and support are a real help to me.
I feel somewhat better and more balanced today. I have thought and prayed on what I am feeling. I think a lot of it is guilt and shame?
My resolve to not use porn and masturbation is at an all time high. I can not conceive of using that again. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it.
But then, I think about remorse or guilt for all the time and energy I devoted to it over the years. I had truly made it an idol, a friend used the term sexual idolatry a few years ago and that is perfect. So I am feeling some pain for letting that happen in my life and being so cluless that it went on unchecked and unquestioned by me for so many years.
Talked with our amazing Pastor after service, they make themselves available after every service. I disclosed what I have had as an addiction and how I have battled it for several years. He discussed accountability and how important that is in dealing with this, I agreed. He talked about forgiveness. How I am forgiven and that is the central message today especially being Easter. He suggested that I was not forgiving myself... and there was pride and ego aiding in that lack of forgiveness. Good words I needed to hear. All this at the front of the church , quietly together. He held my hand and prayed over me then we hugged.
I feel somewhat better and more balanced today. I have thought and prayed on what I am feeling. I think a lot of it is guilt and shame?
My resolve to not use porn and masturbation is at an all time high. I can not conceive of using that again. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it.
But then, I think about remorse or guilt for all the time and energy I devoted to it over the years. I had truly made it an idol, a friend used the term sexual idolatry a few years ago and that is perfect. So I am feeling some pain for letting that happen in my life and being so cluless that it went on unchecked and unquestioned by me for so many years.
Talked with our amazing Pastor after service, they make themselves available after every service. I disclosed what I have had as an addiction and how I have battled it for several years. He discussed accountability and how important that is in dealing with this, I agreed. He talked about forgiveness. How I am forgiven and that is the central message today especially being Easter. He suggested that I was not forgiving myself... and there was pride and ego aiding in that lack of forgiveness. Good words I needed to hear. All this at the front of the church , quietly together. He held my hand and prayed over me then we hugged.
