Yes I Can!

bob

Respected Member
Thanks i'm (not). I appreciate your kind words. Good for you to stick with it. Never stop on this. You can do it!

Peace

 

bob

Respected Member
It has been a long time since I stopped in at RN. During that time I have been writing points to myself to help me determine what I need to accomplish to stay on track. I wanted to post a few of them here.

How will I rejoice in the successful as I progress towards my goal? Being positive during this process is vital for success
  • Accept that I am a sexual being with complex and often confusing desires and experiences
  • Acknowledge that my wife loves me unconditionally.
  • Understanding challenges with Compulsive Sexual Behavior (CSB) exits within the cycle of Trigger, Fantasy, Ritual, Acting-Out, Shame, Repeat.
  • Be proud that I am successfully building a life without CSB. While it has its challenges, I have continued to move forward making progress towards my goal.
  • Feel comforted that I have made the commitment to become active in SAA, a 12-step program that has allowed me to discuss my CSB challenges with others in the same situation.
  • Rejoice that the last time I officially PMO?ed; (masturbated to the point of orgasm while viewing porn), was September of 2020.
  • Rejoice that the last time I visited an adult book store and engaged in illicit behavior with a stranger occurred in March of 2018.
  • Humbly acknowledge that my visit to Planned Parenthood, while extremely embarrassing, was in the end, enlightening and joyful. The STI testing was negative.
.

How will I plan to eliminated CSB?

  • Pledge to guide myself through this life process, dedicating to love myself, adopting a gentle response introspection to challenges, and a positive reaction to success.
  • Accept that eliminating CSB is a life-long process.
  • Address my ability to govern future behavior and reduce the situations that put me at risk. While the problem may or may not have been the result of early childhood trauma, I now have the control to move my life forward.
  • Acknowledge the acronym HALT; Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, and Tiredness, realizing these emotions can be a trigger for CSB.
  • Eliminate the act of searching or viewing any questionable sexual material, however minor, regardless of click bait, thought, or desire.
  • Eliminated the habit of listening to erotic pod casts. They do not help.
  • Acknowledge that masturbation, in moderation, without fantasy doesn?t constitute a slip. For some, it can be a healthy alternative to CSB. However, moderation does not mean every day.
  • Pledge to guide myself through this life process, dedicated to love myself, and adopting a gentle response introspection to challenges, as well as a positive reaction to success.

And I'm doing it!

I want to say thanks to all who have come before me and thought who will be here in the future. It is a process, to be sure, but well worth it if you keep trying. I also want to say that even if you are making progress, it may not feel like it. The levels of items or activities that need to be resisted may feeling that they are minute or consequential, but they are not. It is the fine tuning of a process you are experiencing.

Peace
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Bob,
Great news indeed!  It is so good to read about your forward steps, and they are giant ones!  I miss that we do not have many partners on this site.  I also miss the PAs that we could talk to as SOs.  You are on the right path! 
 

bob

Respected Member
Thank you Gracie, That means a lot.

It hasn't always been smooth. My guard has had to continually adjust as I progress. And the success doesn't feel particularly successful. The challenges get smaller and smaller. At the same time, each occurrence seem more easily justified . After all, what's the big deal. It's only click bait. It's only a short video of an attractive woman. She's wearing a tight top? Oh, and she's jumping up and down? Well its only...

No! The triggers may seem insignificant but the mind's goal is just the same. Free you from the "pain" you think you are feeling. Just this once, and maybe the feeling will go away? And you want to take a peek ever so badly.

Don't do it. Not even once. And, if you do look, stop yourself and back away. ASAP!

I grew up in the North. We had plenty of snow. Now living in a more southern climate, I could never understand when people were afraid of the snow. You just walk slower, more carefully. You can still move about. You just have to be careful. Your not going to fall if you proceed slowly.

THEN THERE IS ICE!

"OK," I said; "I'll be careful. I'll just walk slowly."

No such luck. I was on my butt before I realized I was going to slip. If you allow your mind to process the content that "feeds" Compulsive Sexual Behavior (CSB), you will slip. If you take "look just a little bit," you will loose ground. You may not relapse completely but you will loose ground. Those quick looks need to be eliminated. And you have to realize, there is little reward in that small success on passing on the click bait. To not look does not feel like a reward of success. Its like the itch of a mosquito or that of poison ivy. There is no immediate reward for resisting to scratch. You still want to scratch. It happens to be the only way through to the other side.

Set your mind on the goal you want to accomplish. Be proud of your progress. And, if you slip; don't chastise yourself, even a little. Just STOP!.

For me it has been the only way. It continues to be the only way as the images/content that draws me in are everywhere. I'm not perfect. It's hard. I still feel the pull. And I continue to look for ways to move forward. It is the only way for me.

Peace
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
It's a real pleasure to read your update and know that, even though it remains challenging to stay clean, you've taken control, set a plan and you're being accountable. You've always been a real help for me in the past, Bob, and I'm just super-happy that you've made so much progress. Peace to you too  :)
 

hopeful

Member
hello Bob, it's nice to hear from you again. Been away for quite a while now, cause everything was going well for me and my family. Sadly , sinds yesterday, it came to a hold, were my wife told me she noticed some changes in my behaviour, and towards my family.She was very worried and at the same time very sad. Said I was Distracted and occupied.The same behaviour I displayed during my porn addiction. Like millions, I use Facebook on a regular bases, and for about six months, I began watching video's in the "watch" column. Some video's caught my attention, and triggered me in a way, so I began to look for more . Although I didn't act out , I let myself go in keeping on looking for more of the same content. My wife knew exactly what I was watching, and it shocked her. Not about the content of the video's I was watching, but the fact that I was doing it. I managed to keep away from porn for such a long time , and still can manage. This trigger kicked me in the butt. It's wrong and unfair to my wife who has been so supportive and patient. Right now I feel ashamed and angry. I let my guard down and got careless. This trigger could have gotten me a relapse . Like you said, keeping alert on those things is a lifetime commitment. thanks for sharing Bob.
 

bob

Respected Member
Hopeful,

Please say hi to your wife! It has been a long time. I have thought about you folks often throughout this challenge.

I completely understand your frustration regarding the p-subs (Facebook, watch list). I was just about to google beautiful women before I thought about checking this site. Nothing wrong with beautiful women but the "vision" is the beginning of the decline. It builds no strength. It doesn't support a productive life. It may not be any big deal but its not a good choice.

But please resist the shame and anger. I know its hard but its also counter productive.

  • bob said:
    Pledge to guide myself through this life process, dedicated to love myself, and adopting a gentle response introspection to challenges, as well as a positive reaction to success.

Keep moving forward in living, loving, and caring for yourself, you wife, and others.

Peace,

Bob
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Bob,

So that is where wives and partners feel less and less.  The fact that our partners search for ?beautiful women?.  We ask ourselves, was there a time I was beautiful?  That I was his ?it girl??  Or was it all a lie?  If I was beautiful, when did it stop?  Is it because I aged?  Is it because I have lived life?  What caused the search?  When did I become not enough? 

He changed through the years.  I don?t go on these searches.  I thought we would grow old side by side. 

Just throwing thoughts out there for men to know how ?the love of their life? may feel.  And questions that can run like water through our brain.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Bob, you have been here a long time going through this and helping others.  I felt I could post those questions.  My purpose is not to freeze your thread.  But for every PA that has a partner,  these are the thoughts and questions that go through our head as a partner.  Are we somehow, supposed to retain, by magic, our 19 year old appearance?  I do not look my age, but I sure as heck do not look even close to 19.  I probably look 20 years younger than my age.  Is appearance all that matters?  If so for the men here, look in the mirror, have you changed?

When you talk about the sex being different.  Do you have fun sex anymore?  Or do you have a routine?  Do you have time for laughter?  Giggling even.  Compliments?  I love your?  Valentines Day is this weekend, jump off the cliff, switch it up.  Make us feel 19!
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
Hey Bob and Gracie

    I have been following this thread with a bit of interest.  I would just like to say not all of us are  looking to replace our aging wives with  what some consider the "perfect young  model" . Quite frankly  all the way through  the last 30 plus years of this I found myself looking at  usually older women  with figures  pretty much like my own wife.  All at the same time I never stopped looking at her.

    Post often it helps me it helps you
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Joe,
As we have said before, you have your opinion your wife has not been harmed by your use of porn.  And that is great!  However having messaged and observed the partners of addicts and being a partner myself, what I posted is the overwhelmingly common reactions of partners and indeed questions they have.  Read up on Betrayal Trauma it is real.  A great many men here over the years I have been on here have reached out to me to help understand their wife?s distress.  I am happy for you and your success.  But the majority do not have the experience you have had.
 
Hi Bob, this is an old friend from a while ago. I've came back on. I've been doing good, and I thought I'd get back on r.n. to encourage people to keep up the battle. You are still fighting the good fight and I'm proud of you.
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
joepanic said:
not all of us are  looking to replace our aging wives with  what some consider the "perfect young  model" . Quite frankly  all the way through  the last 30 plus years of this I found myself looking at  usually older women  with figures  pretty much like my own wife.

That is true with me as well. I guess that at a primal level we just want more. Preserve the species. If you had a 50 dollar bill in your pocket and you saw a 20 lying on the floor, would you not pick it up because you have the fifty? How about a hundred? Of course we should rise above our instincts, but I'm just illustrating the forces at play.
 

bob

Respected Member
Thanks Years (Don't want to use Wasted as a part of your name.)

We must always move forward and work to grow into the man we hope to be.

Peace
 

bob

Respected Member
Just to say I am here and that I continue to work on the process of eliminating this long time habit and embracing my wife. Its not easy but it is possible and I will succeed.

I wrote out a long explanation previous to this but my computer died and I lost it. I will return with more info later.

Peace my friends. We can and will do this.
 

bob

Respected Member
Wasted,

I'm still here. Working on focusing on my wife and the connection she deserves. My thought is that she should be the recipient of my love and affection. To concentrate on my "desires" doesn't honor her and the love she has for me. It's difficult at times but well worth it in the end.

Don't get on here that often so please don't worry. However, I do appreciate the thoughts.

Thanks

Peace
 

bob

Respected Member
One thing I am trying to do is redirect myself.

There is a line from an advertisement that states, "The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, ...it is connection." The point is we need to reinvent ourselves. We have to get away from counting days away from porn and come up with new activities that take the place of this compulsive behavior. Its not easy. At times it seems like; "if I can just get to 45, 90, 120 days I will be over this."

Don't think that is the complete answer. Will think further about this and try to get back with some additional thoughts.

Peace.
 
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