Yes I Can!

[bob]

Thanks Guys,

Thank you everyone. When I think of the support and caring I have received here it is absolutely amazing. To think that a bunch of guys (and girls) from all over the world, can be open, honest, caring, and supportive regarding something that all have done, but none of us are proud of is beyond comprehension. We have all kept our shame buried and here at RN we feel comfortable enough to open up, to tell our story, to admit when we slip, and to rejoice when we succeed.

Your friendship means the world to me.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 

[bob]

Just a quick note to touch base. Seems like I am being triggered lately. Not sure how to address it but I thought writing might help.

My current history:
Last official PMO was back on Nov. 2nd. Previous to that I had relapsed a couple of times, often after many days under my belt. Well, as of today, I have made it quite a while. Since that date I have had some questionable experiences and activities. Didn't completely relapse so I didn't count them as PMO.  Wasn't involved with Internet Porn.

Did count each MO session though. That seemed to be my main emphasis at this point so I tried to improve and not beat myself up if I slipped. The goal was to improve.

November  22 MO/month with 2 PMO on 11/2/15
December  13 MO/month
January        7 MO/month
February      8 MO/month
March          (the month is young so we shall see)
 
Couple points I would like to make:

• I think the PMO google doc chart is great as it shows the progress over time, not just a number of days abstinent.
• My current MO sessions are not drawn out over long periods of time. I feel that is positive though I am not sure why. I guess it says I am not edging; an action I feel is especially damaging.
• I understand that counting days doesn't always relate to true recovery. It just helps me see where I am going and where I have been.
• I still seem to be searching for something to take me to the next level. I currently fight the "what's the big deal" addictive voice in my head.
• Need to address the multifaceted levels of my addition. While porn was paramount, sex toys and acting out in public places has also been a problem. Because these actives have been infrequent with many days in between, I haven't truly addressed them.
• I am not where I want to be yet but things are improving. Really wanted to have each consecutive month with a reduced number of MO's. February didn't work that way but the future is before me.

I am amazed at the support I have received here at RN. I consider all of you my friends. You folks mean the world to me. I feel like I can tell you anything and I will not be judged or ashamed.

Peace and love to all the brothers and sisters who make this site possible. Together we have been able to accomplish amazing things... A life that is PMO free

 

[Chile]

Bob,

Thanks for continuing to care for the other guys on this site and for being an encouragement to us all. In reading your post I am able to cut myself a little slack. For me, any combination of P M or O would mean a reset on my counter. I will probably keep the same criteria for my counter, but you have reminded me that my reboot has had some success to go with all the lapses. Still a long way to go, but guys like you remind me I have some miles on my odometer.

 

[harry]

Hey Bob,

I really appreciate your thought provoking post. Congrats on 120 days. That's awesome!

 

[lyon03]

Bob I'm absolutely blown away by how honest your last post was. You shared some powerful stuff my friend, and so openly. Bravo. That's some good recovery right there my friend. You also wrote:

"I still seem to be searching for something to take me to the next level. I currently fight the "what's the big deal" addictive voice in my head. Need to address the multifaceted levels of my addition. While porn was paramount, sex toys and acting out in public places has also been a problem. Because these actives have been infrequent with many days in between, I haven't truly addressed them."

I'm no expert but I'll try to help by sharing my own experience. I too found that my reboot stalled around the 100-120 day mark I think. It felt like there was a void left because I'd stopped with the porn and masturbation. But I still felt like there was something else. These steps helped me immensely:

1. Read "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. If you really want to go deep with your addiction, look no further than this book.

2. Did steps 4-9 from www.pornaddictsanonymous.org (also called "PAA"). These steps involved doing a moral inventory, making a list of all people I've harmed, and then making amends with those I'd harmed. It was like hitting re-set on my life. It was liberating.

3. Getting a sponsor/sobriety partner. Talking to someone about porn addiction via telephone or Skype was a huge help. It brought a more human element than just posting.

4. Attending Weekly phone-in meetings of Porn Addicts Anonymous. I was terrified at first but the meetings have become a huge part of my continued recovery.

I agree with you that connecting with others in an honest, non-judgemental, and caring way has helped my recovery. I recently saw some videos that said, "The opposite of addiction isn't sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection." So you're living proof of this point. I hope that helps in some way my friend.

Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[Leon]

• November  22 MO/month with 2 PMO on 11/2/15
  December  13 MO/month
  January        7 MO/month
  February      8 MO/month
  March          (the month is young so we shall see)
   
  

  • I am not where I want to be yet but things are improving. Really wanted to have each consecutive month with a reduced number of MO's. February didn't work that way but the future is before me.

  
  I don't know, Bob. You list only 1 extra day of MO for February than January, and I think that's right in line with the trend seen here where you've effectively cut your use down over half since last November. So, I think that February continues your impressive trend.
  
  Thanks for sharing this.

 

[thewhitewindow]

Bob, your post was so insightful.  Especially what you said:  'I still seem to be searching for something to take me to the next level. I currently fight the "what's the big deal" addictive voice in my head.'

This is my biggest hurtle, I'm only 21 Days..but this seems to be loudest voice.  Not sure what I'm going to do about it.  I'm too ashamed to Skype with PAA in fear of being found out, and I have trust issues galore.

I love your honestly.  My best friend watches the show 'Elementary' where the main character is Sherlock Holmes but in rehab for heroin.  He said the following about his addiction.  I think it's brilliant. 

Sherlock Holmes: If you must know, Watson, I've been feeling a little bit down of late. It's the process of maintaining my sobriety. It's repetitive. And it's relentless. And above all, it's tedious. When I left rehab, I... I accepted your influence, I committed to my recovery. And now, two years in, I find myself asking, 'is this it?' My sobriety is simply a grind. It's just this leaky faucet that requires constant maintenance, and in return offers only not to drip.

Dr. Joan Watson: You have your work, you have me. You're alive.

Sherlock Holmes: I've told myself that many times. So many times, it has become unmoored from all meaning. Odd. I used to imagine that a relapse would be the climax to some grand drama. Now I think that if I were to use drugs again, it would in fact be an anticlimax. It would be a surrender to the incessant drip, drip, drip of existence.

Dr. Joan Watson: I'm sorry you're feeling this way. What can I do to help? Do you want to talk more, do you want to maybe speak to Alfredo?

Sherlock Holmes: Yes, I think perhaps I will see Alfredo. But in any case, I shan't be using drugs this evening.


It's just a leaky faucet that in return only offers not to drip. 

Keep going brother.  You're doing incredible and you're an inspiration to myself and everyone on here. 

 

[notgivinup]

Bob....i'm inspired by your successes.

Thank you for walking away from pmo, and for coming here and sharing about your life.

I really appreciate your honesty.

I am really glad you are here.

NGU

 

[bob]

Good morning folks,

My wife and I have been really sick these past few days. We haven't left the house or done anything even remotely active. I wake up and I have a ankle that is so stiff, it feels like I have sprained it. The pain was so great I was thinking I would have troubles with this for a while.

I go hobbling down the stairs and my wife asks, "what happened?" The only thing I can think of is very embarrassing but I tell her anyway. "I think I hyper extended my foot while masturbating." Her response? A good-natured chuckle that was neither mean or condescending. Her comment?  "I hopes it feels better soon."

How did I deserve someone so supportive and understanding?

 

[bob]

Been thinking about everyone lately; all of the individuals who come to RN to work through the various issues relating to unhealthy sexual actions or addictions.

Here we are a group working towards a common goal. In our personal lives we have different challenges, different goals, different responsibilities. We are broken and we are whole. We are male, we are female.  We are a rainbow of colors and nationalities. We believe or choose not to believe many different religions. We vary in our sexual orientation. We are a close group but we all very different people.

The elimination of porn doesn't automatically fix everything. The goal is to live without porn. It is the freedom of spirit to face life's challenges without porn. We need to resist porn's lure of connection and happiness. Porn promises to relieve our pain but porn's promise is empty and without hope. The true goal, the true hope, is to live a live without porn and through this experience learn to love and connect with real people.

My heart goes out to everyone here as each of us aw we learn to live our lives to the fullest.

 

[camus]

Fantastic thread Bob. There is so much I can learn from in it

Stay strong brother.

 

[Chile]

I'll bet that your caring for others has served you well in your reboot. Peace Bob!

 

[thewhitewindow]

Been thinking about everyone lately; all of the individuals who come to RN to work through the various issues relating to unhealthy sexual actions or addictions.

The elimination of porn doesn't automatically fix everything. The goal is to live without porn. It is the freedom of spirit to face life's challenges without porn. We need to resist porn's lure of connection and happiness. Porn promises to relieve our pain but porn's promise is empty and without hope. The true goal, the true hope, is to live a live without porn and through this experience learn to love and connect with real people.

My heart goes out to everyone here as each of us aw we learn to live our lives to the fullest.

This is incredibly well said and beautiful.  This 'goal' you speak of above isn't a thing you hold in your hand.  It's more than that.  It's a lifestyle decision that affects your choices and who we are as people.  It's a positive life force within us and we can choose it, if we want. 

Porn we can't ever forget is powerful.  It's astonishing the profits attributed to the porn industry.  Broken people hurting each other over and over again to put dinner on the table and pay their bills.  My heart goes out to everyone here as well as we move forward in this. 

Peace to you buddy.

 

[bob]

Thank you everyone; camus, Chile. Your thoughts are comments always help to support and comfort me. Window, your words warm my heart. If only I was able to be as strong as I want to appear

Today I am scared. When i previously would see someone at 100 plus days, I  would automatically think, wow, this person has it together. As I see myself, I am unable to even listen to my own words of encouragement.

 

[Chile]

We all struggle with listening to our own words of encouragement. When that happens, listen to encouraging words from others! You have helped everyone who has read your journal, as well as wherever you have commented on other journals. Keep up the great reboot brother! Besides, feeling strong is oftentimes highly overrated.

 

[camus]

Hey Bob, how you doing? I've never got to your length of time so that is completely unknown territory for me. I have managed to stay off alcohol for nearly 10 years however, and I can say my brain has fully re-wired where this drug is concerned. I hardly ever think of drinking, no matter how bad I feel.

I guess what I'm trying to say is have faith mate. Even though you may feel scared at the moment, it will pass. Pain always precedes growth.

You give me encouragement Bob and it's good to have you on this forum.

 

[bob]

Camus,

I am doing OK. I continue to spend an inordinate amount of time on this site. Sometimes I wonder if I am substituting RN for porn. In reality, I don't care. Anything that will take me away from PMO and MO are positives in my book. The thought that I can get past this is enough to keep me going.

Been struggling with MO more recently. Noticed the consequences through the ugly head of DE, surfacing briefly during a love making session with my wife. She has always said that Bad Sex is a bit of a misnomer but is definitely more intense and pleasurable when not dealing with frequent bouts of MO.

Peace to you and all my brothers

 

[camus]

Hey Bob, hope you're doing well. Just thought I'd check in with you.

Peace to you my friend.

 

[thewhitewindow]

Hey Bob,

Just wanted to say 'Thank You' again on your encouragement this past week bud.

I know exactly what you're saying about that chaser effect of MO'ing following an orgazem with a partner.  Looks like for me anyway this is going to be a challenge in the future.  I almost want to reset my counter as I went 32 days of no MO.  Felt invincible. 

May I ask: what is DE?

Keep going my friend, this forum I am realizing is truly helpful for me. 

 

[bob]

Hey Window.

DE is delayed ejaculation.