Yes I Can!

[bob]

Working on the computer and I just did a search for some innocuous item and guess what pops up; a cover of a graphic novel (very graphic novel).

Man, that stuff is everywhere. Went a bit further but I recognized this hook that gets you started.

I stopped.

Not because I am strong. Not because I didn't want to look. I stopped because in the past, I haven't stopped. Following that quick peek, I would look for more. "What harm if I have already looked and I didn't PMO." Well I'll tell you. One peek began a search. One search morphed into similar searches. Those searches find other items you didn't think about but trigger a familiar feeling. Additional searches produced added "hot" material that made me think, "hey, I'd like to see... again." Make that jump and I would be off. I wouldn't stopped for quite a while.

Then, depression. "Why did I do that?" "Was that really worth it?" "Sure, the images were a turn on but is that the direction I want for my life?" I wouldn't return to RN for a while either. Embarrassed because of the reset, I would stay away.

Don't do it. Don't go there. Don't think about it even for just a little peek.

It really isn't worth it.

Peace brothers.

Addition to my original post...

This morning the feeling is really strong. This morning I woke from a dream that I had MO'ed and that I was considering going again. Felt bad that it would add 2 more checks to my chart taking it to 8 for the month. I have gone 15 days. At the edge of a record that 4 months ago I didn't think was possible. What a pain in the ass.

I know that Dope is the driving force but its hard to believe that a quick glance and the feelings rush back. Going out the door so it should stop it for now. Report back soon.

Think about me folks. It is now that I feel like the support is so helpful.

 

[Leon]

Good job on stopping, Bob.

Good to recognize our patterns, and what are it's precursors. Disrupt it to where the habit itself is changed. If when X would happen, and then Y and Z are the resultant responses, change Y and Z to where they become no longer the predictable patterns they once were.

Reinforce your reasons for stopping, if necessary. Watch what ever videos, read what ever testimonials that help you to focus, that motivate you.

Wishing you well.

 

[bob]

Been struggling with thoughts of M for a while.

I understand this process needs to be more about lifestyle changes than purely abstinence, What has been a challenge is to understand how this new lifestyle can be addressed. I know that I need to exercise, meditate, and work with a myriad of activities. I just can't visualize the process.

However, there have been two different posts that really made me think. One post (not sure I remember who) stated that they just learned about the possibility of having Adult ADD. I have struggled with ADD all my life though I didn't know it until I was about 40 years old. Its no wonder  I had had self esteem issues. Sexual compulsion appears to be one of my methods of self medicating.  Anyway, just a shout out to that individual. I feel your pain and understand where you are coming from.

The other is a post regarding the book, "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. Recommended, it has been amazing. It has me rethinking my whole childhood; situations that happened which were tied to my introduction to sex. Those introductions were not positive. Might go into them later but it was an eye opener.

I am about half way through the book. It has provided the vision on how I can complete this lifestyle change. It even reinforces some of the concepts that I have been working with in counseling. While my therapist and I are not directly working with porn addiction, the process described in the book is very similar to what was suggested as a goal by my therapist, to write and reflect on my true feelings.

I had been to George Collins website previously and was a bit put off by it. Not sure what it was. It just didn't click for me. In a few of the videos he seemed a bit dogmatic. I couldn't relate.

No so with his book. The concepts and process seems to be right on the money.

It is late and I am rambling again. Will write more when my head is clear and I am more in the present. Thanks for being a part of this process. Whether you reply or not, you are a help to me in this recovery process.

Peace to one and all

 

[harry]

Hey bob,

Thanks for all you thoughts and posts.

I've been struggling with thoughts of M, too. I know that as I near my goal of no MO for 30 days, IT expects a reward. IT keeps saying, "feed me, feed me, feed me, now!" I am not going to give in to the little bastard, so yes, it's all about abstinence right now for me. In fact, I fear, really, I know, I will have to go another 30 days with M.

But, I agree, this calls for an extreme lifestyle change. When I got sober years ago, I didn't realize it at the time, but I ended up changing everything. Over time, the triggers became easier and easier to ignore. This addiction is different (more like a food addiction) because we're still going to want sex and M. Tricky balancing act to be sure.

For me, I expect this process will take some time to form new, appropriate habits and new neural pathways. Lots of trial and error. I want to remain teachable and open to suggestion.

Stay strong

 

[Leon]

I understand this process needs to be more about lifestyle changes than purely abstinence, What has been a challenge is to understand how this new lifestyle can be addressed. I know that I need to exercise, meditate, and work with a myriad of activities. I just can't visualize the process.

Bob, take some time where you can be without distraction and actually give a significant time to this... get pen and paper, and write out all your goals, whatever it is that you used to want to do, to be. What kind of person have you always wanted to be? What is your dream career? What would it be like to be surrounded by a loving and trusting family? Take this time to write without boundaries, as if anything was possible.

Write whatever down, even if it doesn't seem possible right now. This will be your alternate you that will replace the 'you' that got addicted.

It will be this that you work toward, live for, and visualize deep in the night instead of porn-fantasies. When you get 'triggered' in the future, this is what you'll turn to instead of junk-sex.

Exercise your imagination, in each scene, imagine the smells, the textures, the atmosphere, the reactions of others to you, as vivid as you can make it.

Bring it into your reality, brother.

 

[hans32]

Wow im inspired by this thread and your efforts.  I can relate very much.  I am glad your here also!

 

[bob]

Thank you.

I am struggling with anxiety a great deal right now. Not all related to PMO or M but it still has me a bit one edge.

It always brightens my day when i log on and see that someone as taken the time to post on my journal. Kind of crazy but it provides a great deal of support and caring. I guess in the long run it provided me with a feeling of love. Kind of like the "love you buddy," one might say to a dear friend.

You guys mean the world to me. I don't have the opportunity or desire to open up like this to many people. At RN I feel safe.

Thanks for being here and supporting me many whom I open up to so

 

[bob]

Good news first...

Four days away from 90 days PMO free. This is an accomplishment. Not sure how long previous I made it during previous stints. I had two prior to this and they were for a good long time. However, that doesn't matter. What matters is I feel like I am going in a good direction and that I can see where my life with PMO has taken me. This alternative is much better. I just talked to my wife last night about how intense it is to make love to her. I feel like I could go on forever, getting lost inside her. Its never the same, always seems different, but the big O is more intense that it has ever been.

I still have a long way to go but I am encouraged by my path.

Now the bad news...

I typically have very little problem falling asleep. I almost have the ability to put my self in a delightfully enjoyable state of pre-sleep where I know I only have about 2 min and I will be gone. Still get up in the middle of the night. Maybe even a bit more frequently than I have when I was in my forties but overall, sleep has never been a problem.

Last night I couldn't sleep. Maybe I should have noticed that this was a trigger of sorts but I kept thinking about how great it would be to just "rub one out" and fall asleep. I have made it over 20 days without MO and it has recently plagued my mind. I eventually got up, did the deed, and went back to bed. Interesting thing is it wasn't anywhere near what I would have considered an intense experience.

Guess I need to reread this whenever I get future urges to stray.

My word to all of you is be strong. Those few seconds of what you think will be bliss may turn out to be a big disappointment; something that isn't worth the time or the diversion.

Thanks to all who view this post; both readers and fellow posters.

Peace to all brothers and sisters in this struggle to be free.

 

[now-man]

Thanks for sharing this Bob. It's definitely a helpful perspective. I woke up in the night and my thoughts drifted to sex with a couple of my old hookup buddies. It was the first time I've even thought about that in a few months. I pulled my attention away after a minute. This morning I woke from a kind of intense sex dream with the biggest MW I can remember. It stayed for a couple minutes to the point that I got up to have a look, and was impressed - I'd forgotten I could get that big. I wasn't going to do anything with it, but I noticed the thought that it could lead me to want to. So your post is timely, I hear you. I'm just going to keep saving it for the real deal. Thank you Bob!

 

[harry]

Hey Bob,

Congrats on your upcoming milestone, and thanks for sharing your news.

Thoughts of MO have plagued my mind lately, too. 25 days without MO has got to be a record for me, and I'm just itching, itching to take my new dick for spin. Thanks for communicating that it wasn't the experience you expected cause my mind is convinced it'll be awesome. I do know that if I were to do it, I would have a big regret.

 

[bob]

Lots on my plate right now. I'm overwhelmed. To be real honest, I'm scared. Haven't been this depressed in a long time and I am not sure what to do.

Please keep me in your thoughts

 

[now-man]

Hang in there Bob. Is there any activity you can do now that will give you some space, a little peace of mind? Go outside for a walk, take a cold or hot shower?  I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

 

[bob]

Thanks Now. I appreciate your thoughts.

 

[Harry Molaski]

Hey Bob,
Try to focus on the next action you want to take. However small that may be as long as it's not PMO. For example: going out to buy groceries. Great. Decide to accomplish that. Done? Check. Next task. Could be anything, but firmly decide to do it and take action. Eat. Drink. Breathe. Try not to ruminate, keep your focus tight and narrow. Don't stray into the thoughts, emotions and memories that don't serve you. To marinate your soul in those feelings is not the same as working through them. To focus and single-pointedly steer the ship away from the cliffs is not the same as suppressing your issues or denying them.
We're here for you bob, talk to us.
Harry

 

[unchained]

Hey Bob.  I appreciate the encouragement you have given to me in my journal.

Hang tough.  I don't know what you are going through, but usually the things we worry about the most never materialize.

I like Now-Man's cold shower suggestion.  Sometimes I feel like I'm some type of cold shower cheerleader around here, but they do help.  The improved mood is REAL...lasts all day, however it's the feeling of accomplishment that really gets me going.  Standing there with the knowledge that you can tough out uncomfortable situations...that you can man-up on it and do the things you set your mind to, even things that suck.  Five minutes is enough to make you feel like He-Man.

 

[bob]

Harry, Unchained,

Thank you so much for all of your concerns. Still rough but I think I am doing better. Been home alone sick since Sunday so my mind has had time to work. Sometimes that isn't as productive as one might think. Anyway, it feels good to know there are folks out their that care.

Harry, I do want to go into it further but its late now and I didn't sleep at all last night with the aches and pain of the flu.

 

[Harry Molaski]

Get well soon! Bone broth made with fresh ginger. Best flu medicine I've tried yet.

 

[thewhitewindow]

Hi Bob,

Just want to send you a note to say that your comment 'I appreciate you' made the world to me yesterday.  I read it before I went to work and couldn't respond until now.

Bob, I know what you're going through.  I don't know the specifics but let me just say that from what I'm reading about PMO, Gabe talks about his depression from addiction in a video on YT, it's completely normal.  You have so many days under your belt my friend.  Yes, that's a huge feat.  I can't imagine what that must feel like, I'm 20 years into this porn addiction man.  I'm only on day 2! 

People change and they go through all the shit that has been backed up like a clogged pipe for years...all the sediment and garbage and crap.  It just clogged your emotions.  Our bodies aren't built that way to keep things in, it releases. 

Bob: I've been homeless, sexually abused, abandoned at 18 from my mom and dad (they're dead now, but they're ones who were supposed to love me the most and never did), and I almost died a couple times.  I somehow managed to not be a drug addict, alive, healthy (no diseases!) and I have an amazing life now.  I wake up actually loving the day.  You're not alone whatever you're going through.

Lastly, just know you're loved. 

Yours,
TWW

 

[bob]

Thank you for your kind words. We can do amazing things, can't we. You are proof.

 

[bob]

On May 5th, 2015, I had just finished my #5 session of PMO.

Must have been an immensely erotic session to capture my energy, waste my time, and destroy my life. The imagery, the video, the bodies on screen, the positions or the paring of the actors; it had to be utterly amazing. Only problem, like previous sessions, the visions I attempted to burn into my cranial hard drive seemed a bit hazy, a bit dim. If I could just have another look, could I get it all back?  How disgusting could I be? Was this what I wanted with my life?

I was done with PMO. I started my RN Journal, and I was off to a new life without Porn. I had spent time on the RN website and I had read of other brothers and sisters who had made it 5 days, 14 days, 30 days. If they could do it, so could I. If I make it for 30 days, I wouldn?t have to worry. I would be home free. I knew others had struggled but I (naively) thought I wouldn?t have any problems. If I could just get some days behind me, I would be OK.

Now I look at my own record. I?m getting close to 100 days. Seems like I am doing great. If I was to believe myself when I started back in May, I should be close to home free. However, since May, I have relapsed over 4 times. I have been ashamed. I have wanted to quit the process. I have been embarrassed to come back to RN and show my face. I have struggled with MO, and to be honest, elimination of MO needs to be tied to my particular recovery.

So now I realize how delicate this run has been. It's a constant challenge. It?s an everyday fight. Once an individual starts they must never give up. I must never give up. I continue to struggle but i must never give up.