Re-Boot Camp Journal

[Punk Monk]

Haven't posted in awhile, so I figured I'd do a quick update.

All is well, so far.  I actually feel like a normal human being for a change. There are no overpowering impulses, no exaggerated designs on the female form and no unusual reactions to everyday stimuli.

Dealing with The New Quiet (as I like to call it) has been interesting. I've been so used to thinking about sex and arousal that when the tidal wave of feelings subsided, I started to wonder if something was wrong.

But a quick roll in the hay with The Missus (okay...mattress. There is no hay in the Monk household) validated that all systems were go.

Still having trouble finishing without a little fantasy (always about my wife, though). But as those thoughts would arise, I'd pause, take a moment to enjoy and experience my situation and the beautiful woman I'm with, and continue on. In the end, I had to resort to a little mental trickery to finish. But I'm slowly getting less reliant on that.

Hey, baby steps right?

P. Monk

 

[Leon]

Still having trouble finishing without a little fantasy (always about my wife, though). But as those thoughts would arise, I'd pause, take a moment to enjoy and experience my situation and the beautiful woman I'm with, and continue on. In the end, I had to resort to a little mental trickery to finish. But I'm slowly getting less reliant on that.

Hey, baby steps right?

P. Monk

Hey, P.M., In my nonprofessional and uneducated opinion, the fantasy (or really, imagination) of your wife while you're with your wife is 'no harm no foul'. Sometimes I imagine a river to help me pee (at my young age), so....

The fact is, you're melding the physical/actual touch and presence of your wife with mental images of her, you're simply loving her on a psychic imaginal level, as well as physical. It's not necessarily that you're servicing your former neural pathways, because those were all on unreal, or pixelized women.

So, no hay- and no b.s. in the Monk household. 

 

[Punk Monk]

Thank Leon,

I appreciate the insight. And that makes sense.

On another (albeit, related) topic, I feel myself dangerously heading into Slipsville. I've been travelling all week (for work) and weekend (for a wedding). In addition, The Missus had a visit from her Aunt Flo so the store is closed. But, being around a lot of eye candy (and being deprived of my REAL candy) has made me super horny.

So last night, while my wife was at a concert with some friends, I M'ed my face off.  Although I did NOT use any outside imagery (it all came from the mental Rol-A-Dex...and most of the time it was a Wife Fantasy), I'm feeling the urge to go a-surfin'...which is why I stopped by here.

I think the severe spike in my libido is a culmination of the stress, lack of normal distractions (music, exercise, etc) and lack of regular sex. Hopefully going to my martial arts class tonight will help bleed off some of that excess testosterone.

But in the meantime, I think when my 30 days are up...I'll modify my counter to include "No Masturbating".

P. Monk

 

[Leon]

That sounds like a good plan, P.M., modifying your counter to include masturbation. That for me usually means that porn is not far away, as I see the two behaviors as related.

Good job coming here first. Forgive my late reply, but I hope all is better now? Either way, wait things out until some normalcy returns and you'll be the better for it.

Peace.

 

[Punk Monk]

I hit my 30 day mark for NOT intentionally seeking visual stimuli!

So now that I know I can do it for a month, let's try another month.  And this time...just to make it challenging...I added masturbation to the mix.

That's going to be a tougher one since every time I think about me...I touch myself.

Oh wait...that's Donald Trump.

In all seriousness, this is going to be the toughest one yet. But if I can actually pull it off (or NOT pull it...HA!) it'll go along way to getting those neural pathways rewired.

Here goes nothin'...

P. Monk

 

[Punk Monk]

I'm not going to like to you guys (have I ever?). But I was on the verge of slipping today.

The Missus and I hadn't had sex in two weeks, and I wasn't too keen on going a third. But she hadn't been feeling well all week (having picked up the illness that weighleighed me last weekend) so things were looking bleak.

But, she seemed to be feeling a bit better, so I asked if she was down for a romp in the sheets.Much to my surprise...she was!

Anytime my mind tried to get to a visual place, I'd force it back into the present. As I did so, I found my body responding more and more to the physical stimuli. I don't think I even used any mental imagery except for what was right in front of me.

However, I did find myself imagining her saying certain things to get me to The Point of No Return. But suddenly I realized I wasn't imagining them at all! She was actually saying them!

This might have been the first time that I was completely present during sex.

And it felt pretty freaking great!

 

[Punk Monk]

Man! First failure to launch in months!

I could tell the Missus wasn't into it this afternoon. And her not being into it sort of killed the mood for me. Needless to say, the Little Monk did not cooperate.

Not to kiss and tell, but there's only so much I can do when she just flops on the bed and lays there (which is NOT typical for us).

Of course, the fact that she's still getting over a touch of bronchitis didn't help either. Every time she moved, she was coughing.

I also think we're getting into a rut. It seems like every Sunday afternoon we try to get it on. So I'm thinking we need to spice things up a bit.

Just goes to prove, the most important sexual organ is the brain.

Monk

 

[malando]

Hey PM, don't feel too bad, maybe she just wasn't feeling well enough to get into it. And of course that affects your desire if she doesn't seem right. You know, I don't think doing a reboot turns anybody into a sexual machine - we can't just spring into action any old time just because we quit P or rebooted. We're still subject to the daily fluctuations and illnesses that everybody else is. So whilst it might be good for you and your wife to spice things up, don't worry about it not working out once in a while. It's normal if both people are not feeling their best.

Regards,
M

 

[Punk Monk]

Hey Malando,

Thanks for that.

I think that's a common misconception that guys are always ready to perform at the drop of a bra. And there's a tendency to beat ourselves up if we can't meet the hype.  As I go through the reboot, I'm still reacquainting myself with what "normal" sexuality is.

So I really appreciate the reminder that the occasional misfire due to stress, illness or plain old emotions is as normal as it gets!

P. Monk.

 

[Punk Monk]

(Sigh). Reset my counter because while the Missus was asleep, I got it on with her. Only it was all in my head and replace "her" with "my right hand".

I debated whether or not to count it. Since all I really did was imagine what we would have done if we actually did it anyway.

But, part of the process is being honest with ourselves. So, to be honest, I didn't hold up my end of the bargain. Unfortunately, that meant I had to reset the visual stimuli counter, which I've been doing a pretty good job avoiding.

Then I realized I could do a separate counter for each goal!

Hopefully neither gets reset in the next thirty days...

Monk

 

[AndyNJ]

Hi, PM.  Been a while since I've checked in and see you've been doing ok -- being honest with yourself. I think you're making great progress -- and I enjoy reading your posts.

 

[Punk Monk]

Well thanks for jinxing me, Andy.    Had to reset my counter last night.

The Missus got her monthly visit which meant No Sex in the Champaign room this weekend. That would make it two straight weeks with no nookie. And while that's not the worst thing in the world, it just bugged me for some reason.

So, I actually had a nice fantasy wank that involved my wife,a bikini and a yacht off the coast of St. Thomas. I also combed through some pictures on the web to find the perfect scenario and outfit for the fantasy.

Though it's not quite the same as a PMO, it is technically "seeking external resources for visual stimulation." Which means back to square one.

You know the funny thing is, I didn't really fight it. I just felt like doing it, so I did. And it wasn't even that fun. Just kind of empty and anti-climatic (pun intended).

And now, I don't really feel like doing it. Not enough to gain and too much to lose.

Hopefully it'll stick this time.

Monk

 

[AndyNJ]

Nice pun!  I've had the same kind of feelings afterward.  Like: that wasn't really worth it.  Not as exciting as the real thing!

 

[Punk Monk]

I've been paying attention to how the relapse affects the brain holistically. Not just in the desire to PMO or MO...but in the way we perceive and process things.

I've mentioned before that my wife is a recovering alcoholic. On Tuesdays, there's an AA meeting held in the building (and at the same time) as an Al-Anon meeting. So we go together. It's sort of our thing and we make a date night out of it.

Yesterday, an attractive woman came into our meeting. And the whole time she was sharing, all I could think about was having sex with her. My imagination ran pretty wild and, to its credit, was pretty vivid! But I thank GOD that no one could have read my mind! Otherwise they would have slapped a big ol' parental advisory sticker on my forehead! 

After the meeting, I found myself feeling this undercurrent of irritation at my wife. There was no reason for it. We both had a pleasant day at work and enjoyed our time together before the meeting.

Then it hit me. I'm mad at her for not looking like the woman in the meeting. This is a particular symptom of withdrawal for me. My wife is absolutely beautiful in her own right. But coming off of a relapse, I find that I resent her for not looking like my current lust object. I think that comes from the brain trying to "trick" the body into using again.

And I've been fighting the temptation to satisfy my cravings to the image of the woman from last night's meeting. The urges got pretty strong, but subsided after a while and I think I'm nearing equilibrium.

Just need to make it past the first few days...

 

[Punk Monk]

Well, the wife was talking about getting a boob job, so I had myself a little fantasy encounter with the potential future.

Had to reset my masturbation counter as result. 

On the plus side, we had some bad ass sex yesterday with no issues.

So...yay, progress!


P.S....Anyone know why my counters are greyed out and how to fix it? It's driving me nuts!

 

[AndyNJ]

That's great -- sex with your wife and no PIED!  Plus the slip up had to do with your wife, so that's a good sign, too. Redirecting the sexual energy to where it belongs. I'm trying to do the same.

 

[Punk Monk]

Thanks!

I've actually been past the PIED part for some time. My problem now is that I can't get off without imagery...a little imagery playing in my head. That's the biggest impact the Porn Addiction has had on me.

That's why I have a "No MO" Counter. I still associate sex with fantasy. So I'm training myself to enjoy the act without the imagery. It's moving along slowly...but at least it's moving along.

 

[Leon]

Hey, P.M., your counters are greyed out because you have personal text in there. If you choose one of the categories the tracker provides, it won't be greyed out anymore.

It wasn't always like that, but they don't seem to know how to fix that.

 

[AndyNJ]

I think that part of the addiction -- turning off the images in one's head -- is the hardest to break. Keep at it PM!

 

[Punk Monk]

Crap!

Another reset on the MO Counter.

I just can't seem to keep my hands off of me.

After a week at my mother's, we got home to a visit from Aunt Flo. So, no sex in The Champagne Room again. Then I saw my wife getting dressed this morning and everything just let loose.

So...on the plus side, still no porn (unless a scantily clad wife counts) and no PIED. And I'm averaging about a spank every eight days (as opposed to every day).

Again...baby steps.

Monk