Re-Boot Camp Journal

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Punk Monk

Active Member
Haven't posted in a while but things have been going pretty well.

I managed to hit my 30 day mark and avoided intentionally seeking provocative visual material (but God...does the modern world throw it at you!).

I also redid my counter to say "P and P Subs", mostly because I was tired of seeing it all grayed out. I haven't watched porn in over a year, but I guess "P subs" sort of covers that.  Extended the target to 45 days. Should be a problem.

Honestly, my biggest challenge is going to be not MO-ing. I've reset that damn thing twice already! Hopefully, third time's the charm.

P. Monk
 
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Punk Monk

Active Member
Just a quick check in.

So far, things are going well.

My sex life with my wife is getting back to normal as we're both getting more relaxed about it. In fact, last week, for the fist time in months, she actually initiated things! And she did it again yesterday!

The only issue is that in an effort to prolong the pleasure (and not be a Minute Man), I intentionally try to hold off release. But in order to finally blow, I have to depend on imagination. However, it's usually an image of The Missus doing or saying something.

I feel it's somewhat PIED related in that it's still an inability to "go with the flow" ("blow with the flow"?) of the purely physical experience.

We also realized that according to the Marital Lunar Calendar, she's about to have a visit from Aunt Flo soon. Which means no sex in the champagne room for a few days. And that means I may have to take care of myself.

But lately, I'm starting to wonder if "No MO" is realistic or even healthy (note: I mean specifically for my case. I'm not suggesting that this is a bad idea for everyone in general). In my porn days, I was jacking it almost every day...sometimes several times a day. Now, if I do, it's every few weeks and usual more of an enhanced memory than a pure fantasy.

One of my Fellow Rebooters was saying that MO CAN be used as a way to keep the sex drive/sex life healthy...like "Spring Training" before the big game.  So I'm still contemplating this concept.

For now, I'll stick to my guns and lay off my pistol (HA!) as long as I can. If I hit the 30 day mark, great! But I won't beat myself up if I don't.

Monk
 
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RuntoSpirit

Active Member
This whole issue is hard to say MOnk,  IN the end only you will be able to know.  AS for me, I found that the habit to M was so ingrained that I felt I had to stick with complete NO MO.  As your sex life with your wife is on the upswing you can see for yourself.  You have been on a streak so you have the experiential knowledge that you can get throught a waiting time while you and your wife are not having sex.  YOu can be the judge if that blesses your sexual relationship or not.  Wishing you the very best as you move forward and deepen in your recovery.
 
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AndyNJ

Guest
It's great to see this sort of mutual support for very different approaches, and very insightful views.  Thank you.
 
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Punk Monk

Active Member
I decided to delete my Wanker Counter.

The Missus got her monthly visitation Sunday afternoon. Fortunately, we'd already had a roll in the queen-sized the night before, but I was hoping for a repeat performance. So, I took matters into my own hands.

And you know what? It was fine. Though there was some element of  "fantasy" to it, it was more of a rehearsal. What would I do next time? What would I like the missus to do? What would I like her to wear? What would I love to hear her say. All these things are in the realm of possibility and absolutely within my ability to make manifest.

The next day, there was a brief craving for an endorphin rush. But it settled itself.

And I'm very inspired by some of the dialogue with AndyNJ and RunToSpirit.

I chose not to see myself as an addict. Rather, as a healthy male who enjoys healthy male things. I do not crave them and they hold no power over me.

"...and doggone it, people like me!"  ;)

Monk
 
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Punk Monk

Active Member
Interesting observation; now that I've removed the constraint on MO, I no longer feel the urge to do it.

Okay, that's not exactly true. I still get the urge. But now that I've given myself permission to do it, I no longer feel the immediate need to give into the urge. After all, there's always later. And when later comes, I find I'd much rather be doing something else.

Honestly, the mental shift has been quite liberating. Let's see how it plays into my actual sex life now...

Disclaimer: I AM NOT suggesting that one should give into satisfying the PMO Addiction. I'm slowly realizing that I've never been addicted to MO in and of itself.
 
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AndyNJ

Guest
Same here. It's like going back to the state of being a teenager, but with the better option of actual sex waiting in the wings. Porn is what messes up the natural state of healthy, moderate wanking.
 
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Punk Monk

Active Member
Resetting my counter tonight.

Honestly, I've gotten cocky (pun intended).

While I haven't been fapping to porn subs, I've been sort of "stealth looking" and convincing myself it was no big deal. A topless photo here...a sexy picture there. I even flipped through a mature comic book where one of the characters looks like an idealized version of my wife.

But my wife doesn't have flawless skin or a perfectly drawn hourglass shape. And when we'd get intimate, I'd be calling on those images to get me through.

And it's taken its toll.

Last week, I couldn't get off. And today, I couldn't even get it up.

Now that could be due to some other things as well. I'm about to start a new job, so there's that. And my wife's been talking about having kids, so I may be putting pressure on myself to perform.

In any case, I need to rewire my brain and body to respond to stimuli in the real world...not in my head

Fortunately, my wife has been very supportive and understanding. She said something very enlightening today. She said "I always want to do it. I just don't think about it all the time."

That, my friends, is the desired natural state; to be ready and eager when the time comes, but not to have it sitting on the brain at all times.

Strangely, I feel reinvigorated by this experience. My goal is to be able to have an intimate relationship with my beautiful and loving spouse and give her the fully present experience she deserves.

Sure, I'm bummed I couldn't perform today.

But hey, that's only for today.

P. Monk
 
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Punk Monk

Active Member
Whelp.

The good news is that the PIED is gone.  I was able to get the party started with the Missus this afternoon.

Unfortunately, I'm still having trouble finishing. Keep wanting to go into my head to get some sort of "incentive" (visual or aural) to help me get to The Point of No Return.

Came close (HA!) but just couldn't get there. Which of course made me try harder, which in turn frustrated me  more, which made me try harder...

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. 

Wish there was some sort of magic bullet to help me get over this hump. But that's the problem with any psychological ailment. It takes time and effort to rewire the brain.

Man, this is annoying...
 
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AndyNJ

Guest
I've had the same problem off and on.  It definitely is about re-wiring the brain to be stimulated by something other than P to the point where it leads to O.  It will happen, naturally, as you know.  It's that out of control state where the hips seem to move all by themselves...
 
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Punk Monk

Active Member
A side effect of PIED is performance anxiety.

After my last couple of failed attempts, I was a little apprehensive about approaching The Missus for some weekend lovin'. Actually had some honest to God butterflies in my stomach - like a young boy during his first time.

But nothing can stop the truly horny!

Fortunately, there was no failure to launch and the Little Monk was able to rise to the occasion. There was, however, a failure to land as I wasn't able to finish.

But I don't really count this as a "failure" because for the first time in a long time, I was able to be present and engaged with my wife without going into my head. I was tempted, because she likes it when I finish. But at the same, I need to allow my brain to rewire correctly free from shortcuts and "cheats".

It was still fun. And an interesting side effect is that I feel a profound connection with and love for my wife right now. Because it was HER I was with, not some fake fantasy in my head.

I also think I'm experiencing a bit of a flat line. The arousal, while it is there, isn't quite as strong or present as it had been. So I'll take this as an indication that the rewiring process is working and will keep on keepin' on.

P. Monk
 
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Punk Monk

Active Member
Success!

The Missus came into the living room this afternoon with nothing on but the TV. Didn't need to be a genius to know what THAT meant.

Everything started off pretty good at first. And the Little Monk rose to the occasion! But I experienced a little bout of performance anxiety. Fortunately, it was nothing a little foreplay couldn't fix and I was back in the saddle in no time!

And I was actually able to climax in a normal amount of time.

Getting to The Point of No Return happened pretty naturally, though I still needed a brief mental boost to get me over the line and imagined my wife talking dirty to me.

I hesitate to ask her to do that in real life because she does so much already. Doesn't seem fair to ask her to change things because of my problem. Perhaps I'll bring it up in the future as my confidence grows.

But for now...I'll take the victories as they come! (Pun intended)

P. Monk
 
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AndyNJ

Guest
Glad to hear the good news on your progress. You won't be surprised to hear I had a similar experience this morning!
 
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Punk Monk

Active Member
Glad to hear it!

Although now I'm convinced one of us is Tyler Durden...

But, hey! As long as we keep riding that similarity wave towards progress, it's all good!

 
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Punk Monk

Active Member
Today I really just want to punch myself in the dick.

The Little Monk was not behaving when The Missus and I started to get busy. To be fair, I was able to get it up. But after a few minutes of being inside, The Little Monk went soft.

My guess is that this is performance anxiety of some kind. I'm able to get "spontaneous erections", so there's nothing physically wrong and I've probably completed my Reboot Cycle. But not being able to play during game day is becoming very frustrating.

On the plus side, I had a very open and frank discussion with my wife about it. My biggest fear is that she thinks she's doing something wrong or is somehow to blame. Though we've talked about my PIED before, I went through it in greater detail. It was helpful for us both.

One of her concerns, for example, was that the stuff I'd been PMOing to was hardcore, rough or fetishy stuff. I assured her it had just been nude pictures of celebs and I don't do it anymore.

Anyway, after a little talking, we concluded that I'm pressuring myself to come (pun intended). Doing a little mental trace, this makes sense. Because while I could get up and in, the minute I started thinking about getting off, I went soft.

Not sure what else to do except just keep trying. But these occasional "failures to launch" have given me a serious complex...which in turn contributes to the biological reaction...which reinforces the complex.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

So my current quandary, My Good RNers, is how to break the damned cycle?

Monk
 
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Punk Monk

Active Member
Had a wonderful afternoon with the Missus yesterday!

All systems were go and everything got off (pun intended) without a hitch.

Still had a little performance anxiety when I got inside and could feel myself going soft. So I took a deep breath and just forced myself to be in the present. Corny as it sounds, I just looked at my wife and saw how beautiful she is. I also focused on how good the physical act felt and the Little Monk started standing strong.

In other words, I got out of my head and into the moment.

I actually came sooner than usual. Asked my wife if it was to short. She just giggled and said it was just the right amount of time.

Still have a long way to go (I think). But every victory is a step closer.
 
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