New life begins

[Jimbo]

I'm just a creature of habit. The specific situations that trigger me are going to bed (I've told myself for years that it helps me fall asleep), waking up (let's get the day started), and during down times. Like right now. This is the time of day when I get into trouble. Work for the day job is basically done and I work the 2nd job tonight. What to do in the meantime? I'm gonna make some lunch then going to read a bit. Hopefully get an hour or two nap in as well.

The counter is coming soon. I want to get a few days in before I start seeing that again.

 

[bob]

We are pulling for you LTD.

Peace

 

[Jimbo]

Thanks again Bob! Weather you know it or not, you are my accountability partner. I made it thru the down time. Didn't get the nap I wanted but all is well.

 

[TK-421]

I'm just a creature of habit. The specific situations that trigger me are going to bed (I've told myself for years that it helps me fall asleep), waking up (let's get the day started), and during down times. Like right now. This is the time of day when I get into trouble. Work for the day job is basically done and I work the 2nd job tonight. What to do in the meantime? I'm gonna make some lunch then going to read a bit. Hopefully get an hour or two nap in as well.

The counter is coming soon. I want to get a few days in before I start seeing that again.

Part of breaking out of the cycle of addiction is developing new habits. I do think there is a process to figuring out what your triggering situations are. If you've developed certain routines like getting off when you wake up, change up the routine- don't keep a phone or laptop in your bedroom, resolve when you go to bed that when the alarm goes off you will get up right away and jump in the shower, etc. It does take persistence and time to develop new habits.

 

[Jimbo]

Thanks for the comments and suggestions. They are greatly appreciated.

Porn is not my problem. I have realized that yet again. It's just a tool I used to masturbate with.  Meaning I really don't have a problem quitting porn. I have quit watching porn. My struggle is with M. After being back on this fourm for a week, the M has gone from breakfast, lunch, and dinner, to breakfast every other day. It's a start....sort of.

Work was good last night. One of my best nights ever.

Been busy this morning. Went grocery shopping and cleaned the car's windows.

Work again tonight and church in the morning.

 

[Jimbo]

Work went well again. Yay!

Church was an experience. I was basically crying throughout the service. Realized I've been wasting a precious gift. My life. After the service ended I went to the car and bawled for about 15 mins. Got it together and went back inside the church. I talked to a couple of people about the groups they have. Im not sure what group I would like to join but I can definitely see myself participating in something like that. It will be a great way to meet people and maybe even make some friends. Which I desperately need. The personal finance class that I'm registered for is at this church and starts in 2 weeks. I think I'll refrain from a group until the class starts. But all in all it was good.

 

[hope2reboot]

Read some more of your story and in your post to me you said you were weak. When I read what you've been through I don't really see a weak person. Maybe weak to the temptation of P or M but that's all of us who are here. But as far as being a weak person....I don't see that. Thanks for your posts to my journal. It's helped me see I'm not alone in this anxiety issue.

Going for hike in the mountains today. By myself but still will be good to get out of the house.....God Bless.

 

[Jimbo]

Last night, after I got home from having 2 beers with my buddy, I started searching for "totally out of shape beginner workouts" on YouTube. I found a few simple exercises that will prep me for going to the gym. I can't just up and join a gym at this point. I'd be way too embarrassed. And I found a gym that is actually close to me (I live in a rural area with not much around). This is a huge step for me. I haven't worked out since I got out of the Army 20 years ago. Probably another reason sex with the ex wasn't good for her. I'm tired of being tired and breathing hard from tying my shoes.

I have been reflecting on my church experience yesterday. I have realized there is nothing I haven't tried that I haven't failed at. Usually just from a lack of determination and effort on my part. This cycle needs to be stopped. Not the failing (no one is perfect at everything and success can't be measured by the first time you try something) but the giving up so quickly. I'm still here, which is a good sign. I need to take total control of my life! No one else is going to solve my issues. Only I can do that! And I will.....No!....I AM fixing my life! It won't happen overnight. I understand. But doing the seemingly insignificant little things every day....taking those little baby steps....will eventually get me where I need to be. I have been given the gift of life and I need to make the most of it.

 

[Jimbo]

Thank you, Hope. I am weak. Given the chance to do something productive or to be a bum, I take the bum every time. But this is changing. See last post.

 

[hope2reboot]

Good for you LTD....I'm rooting for u!

 

[bob]

OK LTD,

You said in one of your early posts that you need someone to kick you in the ass. I responded that I don't do that very well but, I am going to try.

If you are serious about this you have to make a commitment. And, while I don't agree with everything that my friend Chip said, he was successful in moving forward out of this addiction. So, in honor to Chip, (and with a few alternations) I have come up with the following list.

If your are serious about beating this thing, you might find Chips' thoughts worthwhile.

• First Admitted I was addicted to porn and PMO, and that I needed help.(RN)
• Installed Filters and Blockers on all devices(K9 & Pluckeye)
• A Zero Porn Policy(No Porn, No stories, No P-subs, No Suggestive Music, No Nudity at all, Nothing...)
• No Self Stimulation(No Edging, No Masturbation)
• Research and Education on Porn Addiction(YBOP & RN)
• Interact with other Rebooters daily(RN)
• Replace my old PMO habit with a new healthy habits(ie, Reading & Exercise)
• Turned off my cable TV
• Adopted a negative view of any porn and masturbation.
• Practice taking thoughts & Urges captive.  Practice putting your mind on other things when tempted, instead of trying not to think of them.
• Setup a counter
• Wagered something valuable against me looking at porn even once.
• Read success stories and study, study, study.
• Go read William's post, http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.msg13391#msg13391
• Go read Leon's post William http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=2605.msg25028#msg25028.

LTD, you can do this thing. You must if you really want to take your life forward. Please take this serious and begin the really analyze why you are here.

I say these things to you with love in my heart LTD.

Peace

 

[Jimbo]

I'm totally serious about this. I had fallen and left this forum. If I had only gotten back on the horse back then..... Live and learn. I have learned and now it's time to live.

So I'm back. I'm ready to not sleep for a few weeks, post daily, work out till I'm so sore that I can't lift my arm enough to M, and I'm ready to be accountable to God and you guys here on the forum.

I have realized I am not strong enough to do this on my own. Which is why I have sought out you guys and God to guide me thru this. I have disappointed God, you guys, everyone I have ever loved, and myself. And THAT'S NOT OK!!!

L.T.D. stands for Living The Dream. That's exactly what I plan on doing!

 

[Jimbo]

I put a counter on. I tried to customize it but it didn't work right. See, nothing I do is successful. LOL  I wanted it to say ....days since I last M'd. My last P session was a week ago. Last M session yesterday morning.

 

[bob]

Good!

Now, make sure that you are doing this for you. We can help. We can be supportive. We can cajole you when you need a push. We can even give you thoughts, ideas, possible actions to take; but we shouldn't be the reason to do this.

You need to do this for you. And, you are enough of a reason to succeed.

You are not a bad person, a weak person, or someone who should feel shame or embarrassment. You are just someone who has fed your brain the dopamine rewards from excessive porn viewing. Remember, when it hurts, the brain is healing, and while the pathway is rough, the rewards are great.

Not to belabor the point but...

You Can Do This. Being Here You Are Doing This!

Peace

 

[bob]

Just saw your post on the counter. And, while you may feel frustrated with the counters, I can say I have had my issues as well.

It's not you. Sometimes the counter just acts up on its own

Bob

 

[Jimbo]

Got up this morning and did my little workout, jumped in the shower, and sat at the desk to get some work done. Having a hard time concentrating on work. Not concentrating on anything else, just don't really want to do this. FOCUS!!

 

[Jimbo]

The brain is all over the place today and not in a good way. Not in a pmo way either. Just kinda going about my day. Not getting much work done. So I figure I'll take the 30 min ride to check my work mailbox at a UPS Store. Good thing too. There was a paycheck in it. On my way home from the bank and suddenly I'm sucker punched by an uppercut of loneliness. Followed by a haymaker of despair. And the heart starts racing again.

Being single with pmo was a lot easier to deal with than being single without pmo. Just put yourself in the fog and numb up the feelings. Because who wants to feel like that? Just saying. Not gonna fall for the pmo lie but I can see its attraction. Just what I'm feeling at the moment.

I have to start thinking about getting ready for the 2nd job tonight. That will help my mind from wandering. Not gonna pmo. What I'm going to do is do my 2nd little workout of the day and another shower (sorry can't do the cold ones and florida tap water isn't very cold anyway), and head to work.

I don't have anything to really say. I just like jotting down what's going on in my life here. I helps me get some things off my chest. I'll refer back to these types of posts when I'm having these same feelings later. I don't have anyone to share the "how was your day?" talks. So you lucky guys get to hear all about it. LOL Thank you! It really is appreciated.

 

[hope2reboot]

Hey L, I don't mind hearing it. Pay checks are always good and good to hear you're staying strong. I had supper tonight with a friend who was in town for work. Shared with him about my insomnia (he already knew about my PMO but not about my PMO free days or the PAWS related to quitting) after which he shared with me his struggles in marriage. Being single sometimes is not so bad when u hear some of these struggles married people go through. A preacher I sometimes listen to has a saying about this.....single people are always sad and married people are always mad.

 

[Jimbo]

Lol that's very true! We can never be happy.

 

[Doc]

Just caught all the way up on your journal LTD.
I can relate on the total reversion for over a year. I'm finally taking control again after falling back to my comfortable, destructive habits for over a year as well. Only on day 2.5 but know I can do this successfully and come out better for it.
I really relate with the feelings of insecurity and drifting aimlessly. I know that it went away as I got away from PMO last time and I'm looking forward to being constructive again vs being the mental sloth I've become lately. The depression hits hardest when I reflect on the warrior /operator I was in my military years to becoming an overweight, out of shape PMO junkie with no drive. This truly is an evil disease and we are all the first generation of its victims. Advanced technology combined with moral /social equivocation set up the perfect storm. Add in the social stigma of being caught up in this and the fact that we have a place to gather and discuss openly is a miracle in itself. Thank you for sharing your journey. It feels good to know that I am not alone.
Stay strong brother. You got this.
R