feeding the right wolf

[treetop]

feeling ok thanks arahant

Well its another day and I must say its quite difficult in terms of triggers and urges.

Just for today im going to fight, and fight, and fight some more,

I need to remind myself what my goals are and why im turning away from pmo & mo and yes even eying up a potential partner, to me its' complicated, its too early to be thinking about relationships and approaching and talking to girls & women.

I must be strict on myself, I must be obedient, and even after iv passed 90 days, I cant just let it all go, I have to be righteous in choosing a partner, I need someone who is a good person and looks after themselves, someone who is compassionate, loving, caring, motivated, but most of all someone I can trust, who would support me in times of need.

and also I have to be all these things too....... so just for today, im gonna fight and do it my way...

Stay clean peeps




 

 

[arahant]

Hello treetop,
don't think too much about your ideal partner for now. Focus on yourself, as you say.
I'm sure that lots of good things are going to happen if you keep working every single day on yourself.
Keep it up!

 

[treetop]

Thanks for the help arahant 

yesterday was very difficult, it seamed to me that I did not do enough to combat my feelings of boredom and depression, exercise is an important part in recovery as it makes you feel good about yourself, and I just didn't do enough yesterday I felt like I had the weight of a truck on me, just couldn't be bothered.

I was sat in front of my computer and I was tempted to look at porn and I did after being triggered buy a random advert popping up.. ( even tho I got k9 and an ad blocker installed on my pc )

anyway iv slept well and I feel much stronger today so im ready to fight back and train my brain some more but I do feel iv been set back a bit in my recovery.

 

[arahant]

Bad days will always come, we need to be strong to face them.
Don't you have something that makes you feel food in a healthy way? Music, going for a walk, call some friends...
Don't link too much exercise with staying away from porn, because there will always be days when you will not be able to exercise: don't turn exercise in an "addiction". You need to find the root of your addiction and work from there.
Also, have you ever tried meditation? I think it's something revolutionary and everyone should really try it.
I would suggest not looking at all at porn, even if you don't masturbate.
Keep it up, you're much stronger than you think!

 

[treetop]

Thanks again arahant, while reading your reply it made me think..... looking back at how I felt yesterday I now realise the symptoms was the withdrawal from no pmo and now I keep thinking about it I realise I could of fought harder.

im afraid the only friends I have are on here, (but im seeking the right friends) , I mostly just visit family and look after said daughter at weekends.

I love music I sing along to coldplay & various artists in my car
 
yes I believe in meditation.  il do some meditating its just I forget to do it :-/

anyway next time iv got the weight of this truck on me hopefully next time ill remember and take the time to deal with it and get back to feeling positive again.

Thanks guys stay clean and god bless you all 

 

[arahant]

Hi treetop, I really understand that sometimes is really hard to not act on impulse and it seems the weight of the whole world is on us.
You have to be prepared for those moments and believe in your strength.
I think your daughter could be a huge source of positive energy, try to connect deeply with her when you are together and "recharge" your batteries. Children can really heal our wounds, if we try to see the world with their eyes and feel amazement and wonder at all the beautiful things this life and this world have to offer!

 

[treetop]

Well I might be on a bit of a downer but im not gonna write all the details about it on here.
Im just gonna man up and get on with it and hopefully with a bit of luck il be feeling better and fighting back.
I know where I want to be so im gonna keep fighting, This addiction-disease I have still remains although it seems its not actually that bad iv goto be prepared for the next attack so lets see what happens and hopefully with a bit of luck il make it through.

 

[arahant]

Stay strong treetop, I'm with you

 

[treetop]

Darn it !! I was building my house of cards and I knocked it down again :-\              Thanks for encouragement Arahant and me with you,    ( here u go have a virtual hug 

Had a good talk with my mum and dad and im back with the program, lets see how far I can make it this time.

Well its been three days since I played metal gear solid 5 so im going to tranquilise some soviets from 1984 shortly before  tranquilising myself and getting some sleep lol.

Peace to all and lets stay strong and kick p in the butt !!!

 

[arahant]

Hello treetop, have you identified what triggered you into relapse? I think that's really important.

 

[treetop]

Yes I have and I took the wrong action, next time I need to escape the situation and replace with a positive activity instead of just giving in and clicking the buttons that lead to relapse, at the end of the day it's my choice and my responsibility to make the correct choice.

 

[arahant]

You have to completely erase the "porn option" from your brain. There will be no more relapses if you do that.
And if you still don't have that determination it means you still haven't realized where porn addiction could lead you. Reflect on that, think about how you're different than the person you want to be because of porn. Strengthen your motivation in every way you can. You need to be strong, determined and focused, every single day, every single minute. Avoid anything that makes you lose your focus and strength. Fight!

 

[treetop]

Thanks arahant, next time withdrawal strikes im gonna follow up with a positive activity, like going out for a walk, meditation, looking at my list of reasons why to not,  its probably best I get out of this room tho as this is where im by myself,

i know what withdrawal feels like you got no energy feel depressed, negative thoughts, that's the time to fight and make a push to get throught the withdrawal, i was confused on my last relapse as i wasn't sure what was causing my symptoms... anyway next time ill be ready and ill post on here.

Thanks for the reminder, im ready and waiting, and strengthening the logical part of the brain too.

 

[arahant]

Good, I'm sure you will do your best treetop

 

[treetop]

Been quite busy lately as was tylers 5th birthday party yesterday, but all good news no relapse or porn allthought withdrawal is a pain in the but.

Anyway gonna go on a nature walk with daughter so will be back later...

 

[arahant]

Happy birthday to your niece treetop!
What's better than a walk with your daughter?
Enjoy life, it's so beautiful!

 

[treetop]

Well still no p or m I'm a little more cheerful, as I'm further away from my last relapse and feel that little bit more of what it takes to be a responsible adult.
Thanks for your support arahant, means a lot to me I'm going to meditate later on today after iv took daughter back.
I'm sleeping well but I seam to be struggling in the day with lack of energy and brain fog.
Iv had a very weak cup of tea to see if it picks me up a bit. ( hopefully it will take the edge of it )
(Usually I drink decaff ) anyway if all goes well ill be back at work by the end of the month and hopefully mclaren honda will be doing well in the formula 1 testing before the start of the f1 season.
And il feel a lot less depressed and have more energy and more motivation.

Good luck peeps, and God bless.

and just to add I know I have much work to do I know what to expect when withdrawal hits me. im very short on money at the mo but iv enough to survive on until I get paid at end of the month.
I feel sad about the stuff in my sisters garage that belongs to Katie, who was with me in a relationship over a year ago, I think I should take it to the police in Doncaster and tell them who it belongs to so they can return it, theres a reason this made me sad yesterday as I saw a photo of her brother who had passed away at 34 years old and I get a bit emotional about it...

anyway guys hope you are achieving your goals and scoring some points for the good wolf and not the big bad wolf    HA HA HA Your so moneysupermarket and you know it.... stay clean...green...and mean 

 

[arahant]

Hello treetop,
I'm happy you are more cheerful
I think depression or sadness is a side effect of the reboot process, it will go away, just be strong and focused!
Cheers!

 

[treetop]

My sister showed me this app called s health and I'm now keeping track of how many calories I'm eating/ burning as well as a daily goal for being in actual physical exercise for a given time , iv found this app really helpfull and im recording as much data as i can to help me reach some positive goals.
Currently I'm about 120% over today's goal so I'm happy about that

 

[treetop]

The weather here in UK at mo is cold wet and now they say it's gonna snow and then turn to sleet. So maybe later il go snowboarding lol.
Anyways I'm feeling ok and I'm taking my recovery seriously I know it's creeping up on me and iv goto get through and keep thinking logically. 

Think logical like captain spock and live long and prosper in the land,  ooh and stay clean