feeding the right wolf

[treetop]

feeling a bit better, like iv got a bit more chi energy inside me, im eating healthy as possible, iv now decided to completely cut sugar out of my diet as an attempt to raise my testosterone levels.

No looking at p and no m so far im very proud of that (going out shopping tho is a bit of a challenge as there's so many good looking girls around, and makes me so nervous cuz all I wanna do is stare them up and it makes me feel like a creepy stalker ?? )
No smackdown withdrawals yet, although im waiting for the worst of it....

iv done no exercise yet so need to get my arse in gear and work those muscles,

Peace out guys and as fappy would say and I quote "Lets quit porn and un-fuck our lives"              (Had to laugh 

 

[treetop]

I can feel the urge today looking at the newsreader who I must say is good looking, id give her a 9 out of ten for good looks.

anyway I had to look away because she was just so amazingly good looking.

I think im at the point where I usually relapse my mind is deprived of any source of porn and has not indulged in porn of any kind for a while so im going to be getting these thoughts
yeah its difficult to be here alone knowing that if I push that button im there and I can start that addiction all over again.

nope, not gonna happen, if I end up having another silly relapse im just gonna feel guilty and let down.

I wish I had an acustic guitar cuz id just put my time into learning how to play that instead.

peace out brothers, good luck and god bless.....

 

[DavePaular]

Hi buddy,

Thanks for your message again. Was checking on your journal. Seems like you are doing good and strong. I hope you found something to distract you from your fantasy. Yea, it is when you spend long enough time without being excited that we find everything exciting. Maybe there is something else to give you some sort of satisfaction, you mentioned guitar, for me is sport usually.

Take care mate!

D

 

[treetop]

Thanks dave  I wish you well in all that you do to become the best you can be 

yeah your right.
I like fitness training too I make sure im getting enough exercise and eating healthy, as from yesterday it's going to be no more sugar for me as it lowers your testosterone.

The acoustic guitar is iv got is in one in my room's but there's no strings on it and is rather dusty, also one of the tuning fork's is broken too. lol ( maybe today would be a good day to get it fixed its just iv got so little money in the bank but ill think about it)

well I can report no silly relapses although I was tested by the latest episode of limitless last night and had to look away quite a bit (that's episode 15 folks..... BEWARE )

well onwards and upwards, here's to another day of making the right choices.

 

[arahant]

Hello treetop,
You're doing great!
Yes, triggers are everywhere, we really live in an over-sexualized society.
But we are stronger!!

 

[treetop]

It seams I have a lot of problems and life just keeps punching me where I live, I was angry this morning as had a crap nights sleep and I had a bad case of agrophobia.

Not to mention the relapse I had this morning and that was without porn, iv noticed that my semen volume is not what it used to be and I don't know yet but I'm gonna have to talk to my doctor about it as I'm worried.
I also have had for sometime now an enlarged or vericose veins in scrotal area. Anyway iv relapsed 2 more times now and to p. Just because I want to check out what's going on down there.
I don't really know what else to say guys, I'm back at day 1 and im a little worried and am gonna have to get to the bottom of this medically, so awaiting appointment with doctor and hopefully il be ok.

I guess iv been crept upon again, hopefully this time il figure it out....

 

[treetop]

And thanks arahant one thing I need right now is a friend and someone who knows how to meditate and I know you do.

If I'd of meditated every day I might not be doing some of the stupid things I'm doing...

 

[treetop]

feel good, slept well, although i did take Xanax and Im worried about becoming dependant on benzodiapines, im doing as much research as possible as it been about 4 weeks now dince I started taking benzos to sleep.

finding my natural circadian rhythm is the main goal here as don't want to end up dependant on any drug unless its really necessary.

im now using headspace application for meditating, last night in meditation I ended up in tears, a welcome emotion after the day id had, I know I cant change the past but I can change the future.

I need advice if anyone is listening.

Locked away in my sisters garage are sentimental items belonging to Katie who left me, I need to return them but I have no way of contacting her ?? should I drive them the police station in Doncaster and leave them with the police ?? im really stuck on what to do about this dilemma iv discovered lately.
I just want to do the right thing and throwing away in the tip just doesn't seam right thing to do....

 

[DavePaular]

Hi buddy,

My advice is that those are drugs that will take you in a different path than where you want to go. You WILL become dependant if you take it too long and most importantly realise that doctors nowadays give those way too easilly. It will then take more time to stop because of withdrawal effects than the time you needed them. So check with your doctor of course, but most importantly know that if you have the choice and know other ways for you to feel good (sport, friends, familly, food...), just do that and forget about drugs.

Hope that help.

D

 

[treetop]

Thanks dave, Your right, Friends , Family and exercise, and the rest lol...  I m starting to build a tolerance so I need to cut my dose back. so plenty of exercise and meditation.

I iv got some passion flower to take later on tonight and hopefully will help calm me a bit, and now when I got to bed I turn on my flash light on phone and I read, hopefully this will help me fall asleep but I cant just stop taking the benzos, I read I goto reduce by 0.5 mg every 3 days so hopefully if I put enough effort in on the exercise all things said above I should be ok.

as for p and m.... well I had the thought of clicking those buttons but so far so good.

Thanks again, I appreciate your reply 

 

 

[treetop]

iv messed up again ( several times ) and Iv had to reset.

im in a sad mood this evening and have been crying,...... mainly because iv been in touch with my ex and it's bought back a lot of memories.  (I had to get in touch with her as I still have some of her belongings)

my life is going to get eventful this week.....?... and im in for some discoveries I have no idea of yet,...we can meet up... she's ok with me,... she even suggested we meet up again after id said I drop her belongings at her discretion.

but obviously for me its been a long time since we have been in contact.... about 10 months or so, im over the worst of the loss....  (although I think I am)

I don't really know what else to say ? ..... my life still goes on and but I know iv done wrong and I hope I can fix it, ( im not getting my hopes up tho ) I know it was me who was wrong and I feel sad because of the person I was and the way I treated her sometimes,,.... I regret myself,..... but I cant change the past, only the future matters, (and the present)

I really do love her though, or maybe I think I do,.. jeez im confused,...

Anyway guys hope ya'll doing good and fixing things as fixing stuff is good

 

[DavePaular]

Hi buddy,

Thanks for sharing and coming back here. That's the best first thing you can do to move.
Sorry to hear for your trouble at the moment. It sucks having those moments but when you find your way, you will move on defintely. Take care of yourself first than you will find the way to think of others.

thanks for reseting and coming back here

Cheers,
D

 

[treetop]

Thankyou dave, 

Im feeling ok at the mo, im happy iv got all I need to take back to Katie and she seems happy about meeting up and getting her belongings back, although I need to clean up my act and I may have a few secrets but Im fighting for myself for my own sanity and piece of mind.

today I attended recovery group meeting, iv met people for the first time today I don't even know, it's good to talk about your problems and hear about other people struggling with what life throws at them.

im glad for today and im glad I know what to do now if I need help.

god bless you all... and keep fighting the good fight

 

[treetop]

No pmo or looking at p,  iv kept myself busy today as I v returned all belongings to lazycat, she actually offered we go for a cup of tea

I don't want to go too much into that piticular event but im glad we are now friends again and not just strangers, also today iv visited a friend who iv not seen for a almost a year,  im really happy we had a laugh and just a general old get together

awaiting phonecall from area manager tomorrow about starting back up at work on reduced hours.

tonight I took 3 mg Xanax 3 cans of Guinness draft and some bud, not my usual thing but it beats sitting at home as being alone can make me prone to said disease  :-\

heres to a good nights sleep ( hopefully )

 

[treetop]

Well what can I say, iv got 3 days before I return to work on Monday, things were ok between me and my x but she has her life in order and im just not sure about myself,... never mind weather she loves me or not  we are just friends, but I still love her and I have those feelings inside me ( any advice on what to do if your lovesick ???) I have her phone number and were texting.

no p or m,... still going strong 

 

[treetop]

still crying and praying down on my knees,,, please respond somebody,,

just any friendly advice....

 

[findra]

you need to clarify what you want regarding your ex. The no-mans land friendzone is not a good place for ones mental health if a candle still burns. You don't have to be friends with her if your not ready. If your constantly relapsing the bar is set too high and you need to cut yourself some slack. Hows the ssri working out? Those things have stabilised me during periods in my life when I'm on the back foot emotionally. I'm no doctor but from skimming your thread and in my own grim experiences it seems you may be struggling with depression: no sleep, excessive tearfulness, self-medication etc. Depression seems to pour gasoline on the fires of addiction! Just if you are going down the anti-depressant route dont get too cosy. keep your edge and taper off again (slowly) eventually. I tend to agree with another poster who said about the sleep pills. I'm not a major fan having been given them years ago. But everyones different. chin up soldier. it will all come good ;-)

 

[treetop]

Findra, thankyou,

I'm really trying with x at the mo, I'm back on fb, texting her, but like she said she's being stubborn, I love her to bits and I allways will.
I'm tapering off the benzos last night I only had 1 lorezapam 2.5mg
And il see how it goes tonight, so i am tapering off. ( I had another 2.5 mg lorazepam tonight 27.2.16

I don't feel like relapsing but I know it's going to creep up on me.
Il be ready for that day and I have a plan I just hope I can make it work
I'm not gonna bother with ssri anymore because I'm sick of all the side effects  I don't drink caffine anymore but il smoke a bit of cannabis in a pipe if it helps calm me. I'm prescribed propranolol and I generally just take 40mg per day if needed. l be clear of the benzos that are doing me at the mo only. 1 tab per night now and then I'm gonna halve it or quarter it hopefully be clear of it soon.
As for katie and God bless her soul. I'm not going to give up she might be stubborn but it cant last forever.  I'm really making a go of things now guys. Let's see what happens.  .I'm going back to church, work, now have my dad's old acustic guitar, to learn with , iv my daughter with me at weekends, I have friends I can go see, meetings to attend, ccbt therapy counciling  online,  iv also been for a blessing.

 

[treetop]

Today was the day, the day after about 4 years,........... I returned back to church 

This is such a big step for me.

im meeting new people, and there all really friendly which helps there even running an addiction recovery program every week so for me this is gonna help me out a ton, 

Right now I feel that this is the one, this is where I leave these addictions behind and really shed my skin.

im grateful for all the help and support everyone has given me on here as I continue to strive for what I know is right for me and my life.

there are so many positives I can take and so many changes iv made to my life recently and although they seem small changes, they seem to be working.

I have an acoustic guitar older than me made in 1972 that guitar belonged to my dad who by the way is a good player but hes getting old.

me and my dad have fought a lot in the past.

since iv had his old guitar strung back up and decided to teach myself we have a new reason to bond and our relationship has become stronger again

he really showed me up the other day as im just a beginner and to me he is a decent player.  im so glad this has bought us back together.

things are looking up. I know the benzo habit is not going to help me all iv had tonight is 1 mg of Xanax I hope to be off benzos altogether asap and work towards a better well being for myself.

im back on facebook im posting positive comments, I think the key to staying positive is to not indulge in any selfish act. to achieve something great every day but at the same time look after yourself, sounds easy on paper and I know it's not, iv got the help and support I need to do this and I don't want to blow my chances this time.

I leave you guys with this link in hope that you are inspired to be more like him.....            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8ZF6FVcSdQ




 

 

[arahant]

Hello treetop,
I'm very happy you're doing so well!
Happy first day of work for tomorrow!