Coming to some difficult conclusions

Tclay

Tclay

Active Member
Ok.  Let's do this. 
I'm 51 and married now for 31 yrs.  I have had porn in my life sense I was 12.  My wife and I have not had to deal with ED until the last three years.  It has been becoming progressively worse up until late last year when I had a complete shut down and Willy refused to cooperate.  With Willy's refusal to participate I became motivated to find out what has happened.  Making a long story short, porn addiction has emerged as the cause.  I know this because Willy cooperates when viewing porn but will not when with my lover ( my wife). 

The maximum time I have refrained from MPO is now seventeen days.  After which I actually managed to persuade Willy enough to join us and we made love.  I have missed this aspect of our relationship so this was great.  But then, for some reason, I slipped back to my old ways and for the last week I pretty much tossed all the progress into the trash.  This really stinks and I feel like crap. 

I'm convinced I need folks like you to help me achieve a healthy approach against porn and rekindle my love life with my wife.  So I'm just putting it out there... I can't do this by myself.  Four months of struggle have brought me to this point.
 
The Dude Wannabe

The Dude Wannabe

Member
Tclay,
    You're in a good spot.  There are some really wise dudes here in the way of the willy.  Hopefully you've been to the "Your Brain on Porn" website.  Read, read, read.  (read all about this stuff that is)  Post, post, post.  (blog your thoughts.  Ask questions.  Find out your not alone in this.)  Stop, stop, stop.  (You've GOT to stop the porn.)
    Don't use it as a primer, a means to an end, etc, etc.  Just stop.  If you're wife is working with you: do what my wife and I did.  Put filters on the computer to keep you off porn and have her hold the password.  Ditch your spank bank, stash, magazines, dvds, etc.  It is scary to get rid of our old friend porn, but it's got to go if you want to get back on track with your wife.
    You're not in the hardest spot of guys I've read about.  There is hope.  There is support.  I'm going to be checking in on this blog to hear how you're doing tomorrow.  I'm sure you're going to do great!  There are a bunch of guys here that care and we'll be here for you.
 
LTE

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
You have lots of people here willing to help. Visit often, post to other people's journals and become part of the community. Make this your hobby for a while. Believe me, it gets easier with time.
 
fcjl8

fcjl8

Active Member
Hi Tclay,

I think facing up to porn as a problem in one's life takes huge courage.

I am 52 and married 31 years... I have been using M and P since very young as well. I am now 100 plus days clean but have been able to make real progress and have been clean far more than using the past 2-3 years.

You sure can do this, if I can!

Every aspect of your relationship with your wife will benefit!

Have you told her? Not saying you have to, I did tell my wife very early in my recovery.
 
M

midge

Guest
Welcome, Tclay. Sounds like you're motivated and ready to roll. As the others have said, stick around, read and post often, and you'll see the changes you want. Wishing you well.
 
somethingelse

somethingelse

Member
Hey and welcome Tclay,

Good on you for coming here, you don't know how much you've saved yourself by not going to the addict's safe haven for medication. Here you'll find amazing people, some who have been through far more than you, and equally some who have not. Seriously, with friends like these, who needs enemies? Like some of the others have stated, the more you know about porn, the better, the more you journal and get focused on what you want, will only strengthen your resolve. Journalling is brilliant in magnifying the good and grey areas of our lives. A way of reliving them too.

I have to revisit this point I once saw on another p journaling forum, think about Hugh Hefner. For all his 'playboying' antiques, there's a man who would still rather watch p than enjoy time with some of the 'playmates'. That should tell you, even if you could play out those fantasies, they will warp our brains and waste our time. Perhaps you may find this article useful http://club.myce.com/f1/ex-playmate-reveals-playboy-mansion-secrets-104920/ a playmate recalls her experience with Hefner and it illustrates how asexual, introverted and disconnected p makes us.

Throughout your journey, the community will be here for you.

Best wishes

S.E.
 
LTE

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
I read it and I want to puke. It's obvious that he is addicted to something, and it isn't something good. If you're going to be promiscuous and don't practice safe sex there is something very wrong with your thinking. I guess there is no surprise here, men have been paying women for sex since deep into mankind's history. To expect that a sex oriented business would not involve prostitution at one level or another is naive. I'd be surprised if this sort of thing wasn't going on at many of the big "men's magazines". I actually feel sorry for Hef'.
 
fcjl8

fcjl8

Active Member
It has been going on in the White House for about 200 years never mind the Playboy mansion!

I know of a large stock brokerage firm in TO that has open accounts with escort agencies for both straight and gay prostitutes to be on-call for "stressed out" high earning brokers! They think this is business "as usual"...
 
LTE

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
fcjl8 said:
It has been going on in the White House for about 200 years never mind the Playboy mansion!

I know of a large stock brokerage firm in TO that has open accounts with escort agencies for both straight and gay prostitutes to be on-call for "stressed out" high earning brokers! They think this is business "as usual"...
Click to expand...
I've said it before and I'll say it again, porn addiction is but the tip of a very large iceberg.
 
Tclay

Tclay

Active Member
I've been pretty candid with my wife about giving up M.  I told her ( I mean it) that I do not want to have a sexual experience without her.  She does not know, at this point, about the P. 

I have to say it is very good to have such an open discussion about something I have kept repressed or hidden for all theses years.  Feels good to not be isolated.  And we are all working towards the same goal.  Its a coalition I guess.

Take care folks...
 
The Dude Wannabe

The Dude Wannabe

Member
Let's hope this coalition works out better than the international ones I've been part of! :eek:  I'm sure it will!  You've got two days under your belt and, most importantly, your wife on your side.  You're off to a great start.
 
Viper

Viper

Well-Known Member
Making a long story short, porn addiction has emerged as the cause.  I know this because Willy cooperates when viewing porn but will not when with my lover ( my wife).
Click to expand...

That seems like the turning point for everyone and it's exactly why I'm here. Because you think that you've been into the porn for years and years, that something like this could never happen to you. Because, like porn, you've been doing it for years and years.

The maximum time I have refrained from MPO is now seventeen days.  After which I actually managed to persuade Willy enough to join us and we made love. 
Click to expand...

I envy you -  ;D
But seriously, that's awesome to hear that someone at your age can bounce back within a month without using Viagra. YOu didn't use dick pills right?
But anyway, glad you're here and I'm more happy that you accept the problem and working you're way back to a better place
 
Tclay

Tclay

Active Member
No Viagra.  I tried some time back but it did not do the trick.  I interpreted this as the "issue" must be a brain-issue, not a physical-issue.  Please do not interpret the coupling with my wife as a quick healing, it is not.  We have not made love since... relapsing stops all progress and I need to rebuild again.  I take hope in some of the readings on the subject of rebooting, specifically;  If you have had a good thing with your partner in your history, then those neurological pathways have been well trodden and can be reawakened if you can find them again.  I think this has come into play... I guess.   

Keeping in the spirit of transparency - hand a near miss 2 days ago but DID NOT FAIL. That's why I'm back here again :) 
 
fcjl8

fcjl8

Active Member
Way to go Tclay! You made it through a challenge, that shows great resolve to make this work.
 
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