Coming to some difficult conclusions
- Thread starter Tclay
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Tclay
Active Member
LTE
I just went back and re-read this. It seems to bear more meaning this morning. I think last time I read it I was in a hurry or maybe half asleep...
When I went into the second phase of my recovery and started reading books that dealt, specifically, with porn addiction and/or other compulsive sexual behaviors I read a book called "Breaking the Cycle", by George Collins. One of the techniques he mentioned was asking yourself: What is always true? As it turns out, the thing that is always true is simply that you, yourself, is always in control.
Ultimately, I no longer masturbate or consume porn because I have taken control of my free will and I insist upon exercising control in this matter. What I've learned is that nothing can force me to act out unless I let it take control. In a little while I'll be going out for breakfast, something I do almost every weekend. Now, if, during my travels, I were to encounter a scantily dressed woman or find a piece of porn blowing in the morning breeze I could hand the reins to that and become the victim of circumstance or . . . I could choose to retain control and rise above it.
While I haven't looked at porn in nearly 500 days I have, at times, encountered materials that could have triggered me. Just last night I was watching something on Netflix and, out of the blue, came a nude scene; something I had not expected. I averted my eyes, not in fear or shame, but because I am in control. I didn't want to see nudity and I didn't allow the brief glimpse of nudity that I had seen to take control.
One way to look at recovery is to see it as a matter of taking control of our lives and retaining that control, no matter what. There are things you cannot control such as meteors crashing through the ceiling and killing you instantly. But many things are under your control, porn and masturbation being a couple of examples. Control belongs to you in many things; don't allow someone or something to take control away from you.
With exception to PMO, taking control has always been a hallmark of my life at home and work. In fact PMO is conspicuous in that it has been something that has controlled me. I don't know if this makes sense but I have always considered it something the happened to me rather then something I did to myself. PMO actually falls into where "...things I should change.. " side of the Serenity Prayer. Something has now clicked...
I just went back and re-read this. It seems to bear more meaning this morning. I think last time I read it I was in a hurry or maybe half asleep...
When I went into the second phase of my recovery and started reading books that dealt, specifically, with porn addiction and/or other compulsive sexual behaviors I read a book called "Breaking the Cycle", by George Collins. One of the techniques he mentioned was asking yourself: What is always true? As it turns out, the thing that is always true is simply that you, yourself, is always in control.
Ultimately, I no longer masturbate or consume porn because I have taken control of my free will and I insist upon exercising control in this matter. What I've learned is that nothing can force me to act out unless I let it take control. In a little while I'll be going out for breakfast, something I do almost every weekend. Now, if, during my travels, I were to encounter a scantily dressed woman or find a piece of porn blowing in the morning breeze I could hand the reins to that and become the victim of circumstance or . . . I could choose to retain control and rise above it.
While I haven't looked at porn in nearly 500 days I have, at times, encountered materials that could have triggered me. Just last night I was watching something on Netflix and, out of the blue, came a nude scene; something I had not expected. I averted my eyes, not in fear or shame, but because I am in control. I didn't want to see nudity and I didn't allow the brief glimpse of nudity that I had seen to take control.
One way to look at recovery is to see it as a matter of taking control of our lives and retaining that control, no matter what. There are things you cannot control such as meteors crashing through the ceiling and killing you instantly. But many things are under your control, porn and masturbation being a couple of examples. Control belongs to you in many things; don't allow someone or something to take control away from you.
With exception to PMO, taking control has always been a hallmark of my life at home and work. In fact PMO is conspicuous in that it has been something that has controlled me. I don't know if this makes sense but I have always considered it something the happened to me rather then something I did to myself. PMO actually falls into where "...things I should change.. " side of the Serenity Prayer. Something has now clicked...
@ Tclay
I'm fairly new here, but I don't know if you'll ever figure out the "why". I struggled with this same question myself for many years. My last therapist helped me get away from the "why". The question of "why" involves trying to figure out the logic of our actions, but the truth is there is no logic behind it...it's all driven by chemicals in our brains and how we've chosen to seek out the "good" feelings when we feel "bad".
Instead of asking "why", he got me to get in touch with the feelings I had. No matter what feeling, "good" or "bad", get to know it. The better you know the feeling, the more power you'll have over it. You can then use the power to drive yourself away from doing the things you don't want to do and towards the things you do.
A "good" feeling could be described as "bright and warm" and a "bad" feeling as "dark and cold"...but both are very powerful!
I'm fairly new here, but I don't know if you'll ever figure out the "why". I struggled with this same question myself for many years. My last therapist helped me get away from the "why". The question of "why" involves trying to figure out the logic of our actions, but the truth is there is no logic behind it...it's all driven by chemicals in our brains and how we've chosen to seek out the "good" feelings when we feel "bad".
Instead of asking "why", he got me to get in touch with the feelings I had. No matter what feeling, "good" or "bad", get to know it. The better you know the feeling, the more power you'll have over it. You can then use the power to drive yourself away from doing the things you don't want to do and towards the things you do.
A "good" feeling could be described as "bright and warm" and a "bad" feeling as "dark and cold"...but both are very powerful!
Tclay
Active Member
I would like to challenge the notion that we can't know the "why" question. I'm 1/2 way through a book called "Breaking the Cycle" that indicates its imperative to get to the "Original Wound" . Having taken the steps towards getting to why (original wound) and understanding the root of my addiction is helping me deal with rogue thoughts and triggers. I can't see them coming but I understand the reason for my weakness. This gives me a tactical advantage when the addict calls for satisfaction. I don't have it figured out yet but moving in the right direction.
I benefitted greatly from learning the original wound. In my case it came down to very conditional love on the part of my mother. She was frantically religious and made it very clear that she thought anyone that didn't see things her way was headed for perdition and she was willing to leave behind anyone that saw things differently. Being exposed to this from a very early age made me feel vulnerable. Combine this with emotional incest; she had trashed her relationship with my father and was too emotionally attached to me, and you have the recipe for serious problems. I was sexually molested, probably asserting at the age of six, so, as you can see, there was a complex original wound that left me vulnerable to all sorts of problems.Tclay said:
Here, IMHO, lies the key; knowing the reasons behind this helps me to keep my perspective, but the ultimate solution is to never allow myself to self-medicate with PMO.
Tclay
Active Member
The following was my trouble:
From my parents, I received such pressure to not participate in any social activity because it was a "sin" that all my peers eventually considered me a recluse. Father was a distant figure and add molestation from my older cousin and my goose was cooked...
From my parents, I received such pressure to not participate in any social activity because it was a "sin" that all my peers eventually considered me a recluse. Father was a distant figure and add molestation from my older cousin and my goose was cooked...
Tclay
Active Member
But.... I feel I'm coming to grips with that part of my history. I've never really exercised the psychology necessary to connect the dots and I wish I had years ago. The dynamic between my wife and myself is definitely improving. To be honest, I think if I do not change, our marriage will suffer a slow death... Very motivated, I can't imagine living without her or just existing under the same roof.
There will likely come a time when you no longer miss it at all. You'll begin to see it as a poison that robs you of enjoyment.Tclay said:
We both came from a somewhat strict background and I can't help but wonder if PMO was a way of rebelling that could be kept hidden. IOW, the "enjoyment" came from getting away with something, not the sexual pleasure itself.
fcjl8
Active Member
I think you are making solid progress. I have been thinking about your strict upbringing and what a contrast that was to my very loose "take care" of yourself childhood with a single and drunk father. These extreme approaches to child rearing ere less than ideal for sure, and probably contributed to our PMO addiction...
But, we get to choose what we do now, how we live our life and you are making great choices!
But, we get to choose what we do now, how we live our life and you are making great choices!