Free At Last

[achilles heel]

Thanks, Theself!

Well, I'm still porn free and just entered hard mode, but failed at almost every other aspect of my plan. Struggling with low energy, not getting up early in the morning, not preparing food, spending too much time on the internet and my cell phone. I've got to break this vicious circle and will start another intent right now.

My main principle remains staying away from porn. I notice my increased self-confidence and can just repeat that it's not placebo. When I entered third month last time, I had some doubts if this was really progress due to avoiding porn. After relapsing a dozen times afterwards, I was nervous around people again and the excessive sweating worsened.

Now that I'm back at month three I realize how I greet strangers with a clear, loud voice and look them in the eyes. How I don't have a problem entering a room full of unknown people looking at me. How I maintain eye-contact with girls. I don't need scientific validation, it's obvious, it's there, it's proven (to me) how porn had those negative effects.

Living porn free is the door opener to a fulfilled life, but I've got to walk through this door on my own.

 

[Theself]

day 62 congrats bro !! coming back aint an option now

motivation dude, motivation motivation, its just a matter of motivation, doing the things you don't want to do or have the energy to.
but u got to do those things because at the end, you will get back on track and you will looking back at those weak days and say to yourself "fuckk how many days have i wasted doing nothing, being lazy and just watching myself being lazy" and you will be pissed cause those days are lost for ever and could have been used to move forward and progress.

i'm telling u that bro because i spent the last 7 days being passive, lazy and confuse, thinking way too much for nothing and doing nothing.

and now i'm waking up and i'm just pissed because I wasted a week.

anyway, energy and motivation fluctuates and vary greatly, so we got to keep our spirit high when your body and mind are low.

and you must know this, but beware of those slipping and settling periods, cause they are the seeds of all relapses. a bad day, a cancel event and u got to stay at home. u are in bad mood and  don't want to do anything, especially cooking, so lets get some fast food and watch TV...2 hour later you are about to relapse and your mind is rationnalizing against you and relapse is very likely to occur

anyway stay well my friends, watch some eric thomas (etthehiphoppreacher) on youtube to get pumped up, but yes being proactive and self-motivated is a  great skill to acquire.

i totally relate for the confidence part, voice, eyes, attitude, swag, yes you are different for sure. but at the end, its just how we are supposed to be i guess, its just porn thats fuck up everything

peace bro

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Well written THESELF, I got a lot from that post!

I checked out some Eric Thomas. That's some powerful speech man!!

All the best both of you!

-Peace

 

[achilles heel]

motivation dude, motivation motivation, its just a matter of motivation, doing the things you don't want to do or have the energy to.
but u got to do those things because at the end, you will get back on track and you will looking back at those weak days and say to yourself "fuckk how many days have i wasted doing nothing, being lazy and just watching myself being lazy" and you will be pissed cause those days are lost for ever and could have been used to move forward and progress.

You have no idea, how your words influenced my weekend.

Yesterday I woke up and started my day wrong. I had some "I wish I was 20 again and could undo all the PMO shit"-thoughts and numbed my self-pity with some MO. Soon after I felt like I needed more and I was still feeling down with no energy. My addicted mind tried to sneak in, telling me that if I relapsed on porn, I could start a new streak and would have the motivation of the initial reboot phase again. Yes, despite immediately fighting this thought it really occurred. I didn't have the motivation to cook and went out to buy some sweets full of sugar, because I felt I needed something to calm myself down and would go out drinking later to have a good time.

When I was on my way to pay the garbage food, I remembered the quote about the wasted days. I left the sweets at the store and left with fruits. Instead of returning home I decided to stay outside, went shopping new clothes, new music, a new book and a new movie. Afterwards I felt better already and forced myself to buy fresh food and cook in advance for yesterday and today.

I didn't eat sugar during the last 36 hours, but instead fruits, vegetables, chicken, rice, oat flakes and eggs. Instead of drinking alcohol and going out, I did a hard work out, went to bed early, woke up early and did more than 3 hours of sports today. I finished my tasks at home and guess what? I don't feel exhausted but full of energy and I'm happy I made this decision at the supermarket yesterday.

I do have a choice, not only to leave porn behind, but to pull myself out of the no-motivation-hole. So, thanks a lot, Theself, you are an inspiration and your words do have a real impact in terms of motivation.

 

[Theself]

rah bro thx for your words. and congrats for your choice, you did the right one.

you got to read my latest post on my journal (realized some stuff about motivation), because i found myself yesterday almost slipping (dude you save me, i was like fuck it i'm tired, fuck dishes, fuck cleaning the home, fuck it, go to bed and tomorrow is another day) but i say to myself "lets see the forum if anything new" and bim, read your message!

what followed immediately : dishes, cleaned home, planned the day for tomorrow and then just decided and realized "I  CAN'T continue like that to be vulnerable to my energy and mood swings, its not possible, i got to have the eye of the tiger, the lion mindset and be motivated, self motivated because if i don't i would never have what and i want to have and i would never be the guy i can be. deep down i crave forward progress and improvement, but i got to motivate myself to, and i got to be deliberate about it"

=> resolution, every morning i wake up, rush to the cold shower and listen to a motivationnal tape from my man eric thomas. each day from now on (started today), when i wake up, i decide to win the day, thats it. no more hesitation, back and forth and so on.

one good principle for everyone and for everythin: don't make an habit of choosing whats feels good to you rather than whats actually good for you.

Also bro, a good advice, get yourself some morning rituals to jump start your day, to be energized, to get that sense of accomplishement as soon as the morning, and to deserve that healthy breaksfat of yours ! For me its cold shower and working out, for others its m?ditation or journaling, i dont know but i can garantee you that it makes a difference.

btw bro, from my own exp, if you can, go masturbation free if you can, i swear, not wasting the semen in the bed sheet is game changer, your body heals and improve in every way. its awesome, you look in the mirror and you start to realize those clich? sentences : "my body is wonderful, my body is marvelous " etc for real

have a great day bro, win this one, i will win mine

 

[achilles heel]

71 days clean

Well, it's the third time I break the 70 days mark. Second time this year. That's a huge success already. While I'm struggling with life improvement in other areas and recently faced a relationship breakup and frustration at work, I'm managing very well to resist porn and porn subs.

Also bro, a good advice, get yourself some morning rituals to jump start your day, to be energized, to get that sense of accomplishement as soon as the morning, and to deserve that healthy breaksfat of yours ! For me its cold shower and working out, for others its m?ditation or journaling, i dont know but i can garantee you that it makes a difference.

btw bro, from my own exp, if you can, go masturbation free if you can, i swear, not wasting the semen in the bed sheet is game changer, your body heals and improve in every way. its awesome, you look in the mirror and you start to realize those clich? sentences : "my body is wonderful, my body is marvelous " etc for real

have a great day bro, win this one, i will win mine

Thanks a lot, Theself. The first advice is something I need to do immediately and I'm already planning on it. But for the second one I'm not ready yet. You are right, though, but mentally I'm not where you are yet. As I come from hours of PMO every day, I'm happy having excluded porn from my life and reduced MO to once or twice a week. I want to go hard mode, but I'm not ready yet.

The most important thing is to ban this destructive addiction from my life and I'm glad to have you and PeaceOfMind running with me with increasing success. Finally I do have the belief to not relapse again, to have a choice and to look at your success and find examples of people who break free. We all can and I hope to finally break the three months for the first time ever and become a helping example for others. For all those at the very beginning who relapse every 3 days and lose faith. Everyone has been there, but the key is not giving up and I'm proud to be here and being stronger than ever. Porn is not an option!

 

[achilles heel]

75 days clean

So, today this turns into my second longest streak of porn abstinence and I got a little reminder of why I never made it past the third month. While the second month was rather easy, I'm now experiencing very strong cravings. Life's not much fun lately, I fail to maintain a positive attitude because I'm not happy with my personal situation and my situation at work at the moment. The incoming cold, dark winter days are causing more trouble as I go out less and spend more time in front of computer and cell-phone.

But I made a decision and will stick to it: Disappearing in the world of sexual images and videos to escape reality isn't an option. As it's grey outside porn offers a contrast of colorful, fast, easy accessible pleasure to numb the incoming winter depression. But it would be a setback in so many ways. It won't solve anything. I have to learn to just let go and despite being at 2 1/2 months I realize that there's a long process ahead. The "magic" 90 days won't solve anything. It's about constant progress and Theself is right that I should add abstinence from MO, as it's worsening the temptation and it's slowing down my progress.

I always fail after a week when entering hardmode, but three years ago I couldn't make it 3 days without porn and now it's almost three months. It's up to me and once again I have to pull myself out of the hole. While I continue to abstain from porn, I will now stay off MO too as long as I can. I know I got the mindset to finally overcome porn. I can and will make it, but I have to increase the effort and fight the negativity surrounding me lately.

 

[Theself]

Such a nice mindset and analysis dude, keep going.

Yup its hard, i can tell you i almost put everything in my life into question the last few days and fell into many of my old d?mons. So yes when the mood is low and you start to here that voice in your head, ?fuck i cant stand it anymore, im going to explode, fuck this life, im going to fuck everything, i m going to.give in? dont listen like i did last week, cause your mindset is going to take a huge blow and it will take some time to comeback and a.setback is always frustrating
As i think back about all of it, we.got to go step by step and honor this process thats taking place inside us, just respect this process of gradual self improvement inside us, thats what im realizing.right now. Step by step, not rushing anything

Keep going dude you doing.a great job

 

[achilles heel]

80 days clean

Sounds great, doesn't feel so. I failed going hardmode again and porn cravings are there. Maybe my problem is having unrealistic expectations towards the end of the third month. To me it's like eternity already since I last watched porn and when I get triggered by some ad or thumbnail, it's rather frustrating. Like: Why are these urges still there? Will I never be free? Shouldn't I just give up already?

The answer is: No! I have to be patient. Social anxiety got a lot better, but 80 days without looking at porn don't automatically change my whole life. I do, step by step. I'm proud I implemented some sort of inner barrier against porn, even when I was drunk I managed to say "No!". As I mentioned above I'm not happy at the moment, but finding solutions for the better is always possible. I need some time for myself to find out where I'm heading to in life. The perspective of not being able to drown my trouble in porn anymore seems to stress me unconsciously.

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey Achilles!

You will be free from PMO cravings, but it will take time. One way I like to think of it is - you are already free! This 80 days without porn gives you the opportunity to look around and say "hey, I do still have cravings, but this thing isn't really in my life anymore. This is an opportunity to shift my focus onto something else, now that the addictive force of PMO isn't breathing down my neck nearly as strongly as it was." Perhaps you can turn your focus to playing an instrument (even if it is playing it poorly, don't feel like you have to amazing, just play the frickin thing for the joy and therapeutic benefit of playing), or perhaps meditation to try and calm the mind down a little bit, or going for walks in nature (I find that powering up hills on a nature walk is a good way to let go of inner frustrations and stress), or getting a bit more social interaction in.

I feel that 80 days is an amazing benchmark! And that even though it isn't your whole life YET, it will eventually turn into that, and that you can use your happiness and pride about this achievement to fuel further staying away. For me, I just try not to think about the stuff as much as possible, as well as making changes in the rest of my life (although that part has not been as drastic as some others). I find that if I let myself even start thinking and fantasizing about porn, then that?s the beginning of falling down the slippery slope!!

I hear you on the depression setting in from winter - it can easily happen to me too. I'm planning to try and get out more, outside and in nature, at the same time continuing my job (even though jobs can suck sometimes, I find that they are actually really important for getting us out of the house and doing SOMETHING, even if it isn't what we want to me doing deep down). If it's one of the REALLY shitty jobs (whatever that means to you), maybe consider getting something that at least won't completely destroy your soul and morale and happiness.


I believe in you man! And I believe in all of us!! We CAN leave this stuff behind!

Much love!

-Peace

 

[achilles heel]

Don't quite know how to handle this, but I decided to not reset my counter despite having looked at porn subs. Was really high and drunk and stumbled upon some non nude galleries. I didn't M and as I caught myself entering a Google search to open an infinite buffet of pics, including some nudes, I screamed "No!" to myself and closed it.

I set myself on probation now, any further looking will reset the counter, but I guess if I do so now I might relapse completely.

Good thing is I managed a week without MO, need to be very aware now. I must not throw away all the progress. Anyway, will add an extra month to the counter goal as I don't feel like "celebrating" the 90 days after this incident. Once again it happened close to the third month mark. I need to work harder and don't lose focus.

Thanks for your inspiring words, Peace! I do have a creative output and lots of things to focus on, I even managed to solve some of the trouble at work with a good conversation lately. During my years of reboot (attempts) I advanced in so many ways, but somehow always fell back into the abyss. It's up to me to really live the new life and overcome addiction. I need to build the belief that a different life is possible, staying strong now is possible and it's not that hard after all. I can do it, we all can.

Much love to everybody!

 

[achilles heel]

97 days clean

Despite that little episode of looking at non nudes without M'ing, I consider myself to be at the most advanced state of reboot yet. There's no miracle happening, but the little steps in self-confidence and a more balanced life are summing up to confirm that a porn free life is possible and a lot better.

I'm over two weeks MO-free and after feeling down due to break-up having some success with girls lately. The rewiring due to sex is adding a lot to the progress and for the first time ever I'm feeling free. I know I'm still far away from where I want to and could be, but it's up to me to just reach my goals.

I remain prepared for a possible set back, but while I'm not updating frequently it just means porn is just not bothering me and I'm busy living my life as I should have done long ago.

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Good for you man!! Keep up the good work and progress!!

-Peace

 

[Theself]

oh yeah baby, you are doing great, keep going don't relapse, and like you said very well, live the life you are supposed to live !

peace man (for me, i'm coming back !)

 

[nuel2016]

Thanks, Theself!

Well, I'm still porn free and just entered hard mode, but failed at almost every other aspect of my plan. Struggling with low energy, not getting up early in the morning, not preparing food, spending too much time on the internet and my cell phone. I've got to break this vicious circle and will start another intent right now.

My main principle remains staying away from porn. I notice my increased self-confidence and can just repeat that it's not placebo. When I entered third month last time, I had some doubts if this was really progress due to avoiding porn. After relapsing a dozen times afterwards, I was nervous around people again and the excessive sweating worsened.

Now that I'm back at month three I realize how I greet strangers with a clear, loud voice and look them in the eyes. How I don't have a problem entering a room full of unknown people looking at me. How I maintain eye-contact with girls. I don't need scientific validation, it's obvious, it's there, it's proven (to me) how porn had those negative effects.

Living porn free is the door opener to a fulfilled life, but I've got to walk through this door on my own.

I totally relate bro.. I went for so long without PMO, then I relapsed for some weeks, and now I am back. I had the same same problems that you had and i also have realized how porn fucks one up. I am thankful for this site because it helps alot to see people who go through the same stuff you go through. I have also been spending so much time online, so I decided to delete my FB and IG app for a while and see the difference that it makes. This is also because some inapporpriate pics are in the sites which I cant control sometimes from popping up in my feeds.
Anyway keep up the good fight bro. I hope you will be inspired to go on and on. I am far back. But stories like yours keep me going

 

[redjem]

50 days clean
Due to abstaining from porn and porn subs I gained some distance to oversexed music videos and if I get to see one today it seems grotesque to me the way girls are presented there. Same goes for commercials.

I've noticed that too.

 

[achilles heel]

109 days clean

Well, time for a major update as I didn't write in a while. First of all thanks for your comments and support, this means so much to me and if it wasn't for this community I had lost hope long ago. Really, while porn addiction destroys lives, this community may save them. The tools are there, the support is there and we're all going through the same struggle and desperation at some point. It's just necessary to not give in and to always get up after each relapse.

So did I 109 days ago. More than 100 days without PMO means the longest streak of my life (since I came in contact with porn). When I remember my never ending porn sessions, I remember this absurd search (searching is the key in dopamine addiction) for the perfect picture, the perfect video sequence, the perfect moment to finish. And of course I wouldn't stick to this, but search for an even better high right afterwards. A never ending search for a bigger high - the holy grail.

Despite of falling into the abyss of fetish porn categories I somewhat preferred regular porn to finish. Leaked celebrity videos or first time videos of softcore models were those "holy grails". And I sometimes recognize this pattern when getting triggered by a related article of some celebrity girl on the beach or - as happened a few days ago - a news page publishing an article about a new "challenge" on instagram.

"Instagram models are taking nude selfies barely covering themselves? You MUST click on this due to investigative interest...", my addicted brain tried to sneak in. And I just say "No.". This "No" is not an arguing, loud negation anymore, I'd like to compare it to a scene from the third Indiana Jones, it's Sean Connery standing there and saying "Let it go.", it's a wise voice inside my head knowing this will lead to no good and how it's just not worth it. I nurture this voice and with every success it gets stronger.

Maybe the name of my journal is kind of misleading, as I myself expected some sort of freedom at the beginning. I won't be free from this addiction after a certain amount of days, I probably never will, but I learn to shrink these addicted pathways to insignificance step by step. Another important step was a change of cell phone and computer. The barrier of keeping both porn free from the very beginning helps a lot. This feels like a new life already, but there is also a different side to the success.

I'm part of the first generation that had seen hardcore porn in its varieties before their first kiss, that grew up with instant satisfaction due to a screen. The problem is: I'm not 20 anymore and this behavior is carved deep inside not only of my brain pathways, but also my understanding of love and sex.

I might be curing my social anxiety and at some point complete a reboot of the brain, but overcoming this addiction means learning to live. Understanding how the constant search for bigger highs ruined my ability to maintain a healthy relationship. Sexually themed dopamine addiction leads to a general unhappiness, in some cases even to severe depression. The motivation of just curing symptoms as social anxiety or sexual dysfunctions won't be enough to overcome this addiction. It needs to be understood as a whole, as the root of not being able to live a happy and satisfied life.

I guess that this insight gave me the final push to really advance and - until now - succeed. To conclude this journal entry I will extend my goal to 200 days, try to succeed at avoiding MO completely and also return to a healthy lifestyle as I lost focus on that lately. I'm at the very beginning, I've got an incredible amount of potential left and I'm not willing to waste it anymore.

 

[senterol]

Great post man!
109 days is quite impressive, did you do it entirely in hard mode? And is that your first long run?
I am on day 46 and its quite a difficult journey. Lets hope that we all succeed to eliminate completely porn from our lives.

 

[achilles heel]

115 days clean

I notice how I finally believe in my own success. This belief gives me strength to keep advancing. But I know that I have to be aware, this journey has just begun and there is a long way ahead. Will try to write a bigger update this weekend.

 

[achilles heel]

I know that I have to be aware

No, I didn't. Dear Reboot Nation, I'm back at day 0 and instead of a major update about 4 months without porn, I have to write about relapsing the whole weekend.

I had a rule: The phone stays out of my bed. But as I was already feeling safe, I broke this rule for a while now. Friday night I was chatting with a girl and the conversation moved towards talking about having sex again (we did a few weeks ago), I started remembering and already MO'd while we were exchanging fantasies. Yesterday she sent me pics and I relapsed completely on sexting, today I woke up and she wasn't online so I watched some P subs, then porn and then escalated into hours of edging until the PMO final.

I played with fire and lost control again, now it's important to get up immediately and avoid further relapses. My addicted mind will try to trick me into relapse telling me "Now everything's lost" or "Starting again on 1/1/2017 will be a major cut" or whatever excuse there might be.

Every peek at p subs is a relapse, no sexy chat, no edging, no M at all, I need to go hardmode and put restrictions back on my phone and computer immediately. Going to bed before midnight and leaving the phone outside are rules to be followed every day.

This is an emergency and I hope I will make it through the next two weeks!