achilles heel
Well-Known Member
4 days clean
Well, I finally took my time to make a counter and it was easier than I thought. I will not learn how to reset it, because there won't be a reset. This post might be long, because I feel like I need to write about my history of addiction to leave it behind forever.
First I should mention that I learned a very important lesson concerning my social anxiety. When I reached my longest streak of 88 days last month, I felt great. Then I relapsed on porn subs and didn't feel like shit. I relapsed on porn once and it didn't feel like a complete set-back either. It was the door opener for my addiction to come back again, telling me the whole reboot thing might have been placebo and my increased self-confidence was a result of socializing more. It's not. During the last 1 1/2 months I watched porn like 10-15 times and didn't make it two weeks clean. I realize how I'm less spontaneous and how spontaneous interaction makes me nervous again. My voice was clearer when I was almost three months porn free, I managed to concentrate better and the excessive sweating had decreased almost completely. Now I notice how those symptoms were coming back step by step.
I knew that my mind would play tricks on me, I warned myself on here, but it didn't work. I fell back into the abyss. Yes, I had some trouble, but that was just a lame excuse to numb myself again and be weak. I need to point this out to myself over and over again until I finally learn it:
OVERCOMING PORN ADDICTION IS MY PRINCIPAL GOAL IN LIFE! IT INCLUDES SEXTING AND PORN SUBSTITUTES, THEY ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE!
MY SOCIAL ANXIETY IS PORN INDUCED! THE POSITIVE EFFECTS OF REBOOT ARE NOT PLACEBO!
I feel like writing about my own history of addiction might help as therapy. I'm suffering from sexually themed dopamine addiction for more than half my life now. Luckily there weren't any smartphones around 15 years ago, it all started with music videos of barely dressed girls and a CD full of wallpapers that contained some lingerie models when I was 14. I started having some privacy and my first internet access, my parents stopped controlling my media usage (I wish they didn't, now!). I started watching softcore porn on television at night and soon discovered that filesharing programs offered more than music.
At the age of 15 I was already excessively collecting pictures and videos and watching them on random playlists for hours. Without knowing the concept of porn addiction or reboot, I already reached a point where I felt shame and deleted my folder immediately after watching, just to regret this decision the next day, building a new one. I escalated to all kinds of porn/fetish categories and porn sessions of up to 10 hours. Afterwards I would shower for a whole hour literally feeling dirty and promising myself to not go back. I have no idea why I didn't identify this as a serious addiction earlier and how I could go on for years.
It all changed with my first girlfriend at age 18, when I suffered from PIED without knowing it. I also successfully rebooted, because I couldn't look her in the eyes after watching porn and just stopped. It took two months of dating without porn until having sex and I rewired successfully too. I experienced a satisfying sexlife for a few months, until routine and conflicts set in and brought me back to porn. I started lying to her about being tired all the time to have enough time for my extended porn sessions again. The result was DE and I had to fantasize about porn or other girls to finish.
Same thing happened with the following girlfriends. If I remember well, during my early 20s I developed hyperhidrosis. It was about the time when social media became a big thing and suddenly the bikini pics of girls I knew became a bigger, more forbidden high than all the porn categories I had watched over and over again. I fantasized about an ex-girlfriend's sister or cousin and secretly saved their pictures. This is were it all went downhill and I had trouble making eye-contact at family reunions.
As I added the voyeuristic/exhibitionistic aspect of sexting, I hit rock bottom. Eye contact made me sweat, not only when around girls I had fantazised about, but around anybody. I felt uncomfortable and started to drink and get high to socialize. Back in 2013 I made my own conclusion of being a porn addict, but I wouldn't imagine there was anyone around with a similar story or that there was any science behind. I just tried to stop it and made it maybe two months without excluding softcore pictures, thus making it not a real reboot. And later my addiction played a trick on me, convincing me that sexting wasn't porn due to the interaction with a real girl. I returned to the abyss in 2014, until finally overcoming my shame to research on porn addiction.
Discovering this community was the best thing happening to my life, because I finally found out I'm not alone with my problem. I'm not a fucked up person, but one of thousands or rather millions who wired their brain cells to artificial stimulation. I didn't start a journal or register, because I was too ashamed being an addict. Instead I had some more attempts, with the longest being 75 days last year. This year I made it 88 days, but lost track again when I felt too safe. The consequence were 1 1/2 months of not making it more than 2 weeks clean, my addiction hit back.
Now it is time to close the door and leave addiction behind. It is not about nutrition, sports or changing my life, it is about becoming clean forever. Porn is not an option, no matter if I feel depressed, without energy, bored, tired or whatever. There is no excuse, it will never solve any problem, just cause further trouble. I promise to win this fight. I fell down a hundred times and I could have given up yet, but I'm proud of myself that after years of failed reboots and a hundred relapses I still got up and I'm still here.
I want to be free and it's up to me. Now!
Well, I finally took my time to make a counter and it was easier than I thought. I will not learn how to reset it, because there won't be a reset. This post might be long, because I feel like I need to write about my history of addiction to leave it behind forever.
First I should mention that I learned a very important lesson concerning my social anxiety. When I reached my longest streak of 88 days last month, I felt great. Then I relapsed on porn subs and didn't feel like shit. I relapsed on porn once and it didn't feel like a complete set-back either. It was the door opener for my addiction to come back again, telling me the whole reboot thing might have been placebo and my increased self-confidence was a result of socializing more. It's not. During the last 1 1/2 months I watched porn like 10-15 times and didn't make it two weeks clean. I realize how I'm less spontaneous and how spontaneous interaction makes me nervous again. My voice was clearer when I was almost three months porn free, I managed to concentrate better and the excessive sweating had decreased almost completely. Now I notice how those symptoms were coming back step by step.
I knew that my mind would play tricks on me, I warned myself on here, but it didn't work. I fell back into the abyss. Yes, I had some trouble, but that was just a lame excuse to numb myself again and be weak. I need to point this out to myself over and over again until I finally learn it:
OVERCOMING PORN ADDICTION IS MY PRINCIPAL GOAL IN LIFE! IT INCLUDES SEXTING AND PORN SUBSTITUTES, THEY ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE!
MY SOCIAL ANXIETY IS PORN INDUCED! THE POSITIVE EFFECTS OF REBOOT ARE NOT PLACEBO!
I feel like writing about my own history of addiction might help as therapy. I'm suffering from sexually themed dopamine addiction for more than half my life now. Luckily there weren't any smartphones around 15 years ago, it all started with music videos of barely dressed girls and a CD full of wallpapers that contained some lingerie models when I was 14. I started having some privacy and my first internet access, my parents stopped controlling my media usage (I wish they didn't, now!). I started watching softcore porn on television at night and soon discovered that filesharing programs offered more than music.
At the age of 15 I was already excessively collecting pictures and videos and watching them on random playlists for hours. Without knowing the concept of porn addiction or reboot, I already reached a point where I felt shame and deleted my folder immediately after watching, just to regret this decision the next day, building a new one. I escalated to all kinds of porn/fetish categories and porn sessions of up to 10 hours. Afterwards I would shower for a whole hour literally feeling dirty and promising myself to not go back. I have no idea why I didn't identify this as a serious addiction earlier and how I could go on for years.
It all changed with my first girlfriend at age 18, when I suffered from PIED without knowing it. I also successfully rebooted, because I couldn't look her in the eyes after watching porn and just stopped. It took two months of dating without porn until having sex and I rewired successfully too. I experienced a satisfying sexlife for a few months, until routine and conflicts set in and brought me back to porn. I started lying to her about being tired all the time to have enough time for my extended porn sessions again. The result was DE and I had to fantasize about porn or other girls to finish.
Same thing happened with the following girlfriends. If I remember well, during my early 20s I developed hyperhidrosis. It was about the time when social media became a big thing and suddenly the bikini pics of girls I knew became a bigger, more forbidden high than all the porn categories I had watched over and over again. I fantasized about an ex-girlfriend's sister or cousin and secretly saved their pictures. This is were it all went downhill and I had trouble making eye-contact at family reunions.
As I added the voyeuristic/exhibitionistic aspect of sexting, I hit rock bottom. Eye contact made me sweat, not only when around girls I had fantazised about, but around anybody. I felt uncomfortable and started to drink and get high to socialize. Back in 2013 I made my own conclusion of being a porn addict, but I wouldn't imagine there was anyone around with a similar story or that there was any science behind. I just tried to stop it and made it maybe two months without excluding softcore pictures, thus making it not a real reboot. And later my addiction played a trick on me, convincing me that sexting wasn't porn due to the interaction with a real girl. I returned to the abyss in 2014, until finally overcoming my shame to research on porn addiction.
Discovering this community was the best thing happening to my life, because I finally found out I'm not alone with my problem. I'm not a fucked up person, but one of thousands or rather millions who wired their brain cells to artificial stimulation. I didn't start a journal or register, because I was too ashamed being an addict. Instead I had some more attempts, with the longest being 75 days last year. This year I made it 88 days, but lost track again when I felt too safe. The consequence were 1 1/2 months of not making it more than 2 weeks clean, my addiction hit back.
Now it is time to close the door and leave addiction behind. It is not about nutrition, sports or changing my life, it is about becoming clean forever. Porn is not an option, no matter if I feel depressed, without energy, bored, tired or whatever. There is no excuse, it will never solve any problem, just cause further trouble. I promise to win this fight. I fell down a hundred times and I could have given up yet, but I'm proud of myself that after years of failed reboots and a hundred relapses I still got up and I'm still here.
I want to be free and it's up to me. Now!
