Free At Last

[achilles heel]

Day 10

Just my little daily update that everything is going well, being too busy to relapse, will write more in detail next week.

 

[Theself]

Love it bro.you are doing great keep.going ! Im still.in the race too

 

[Theself]

Thanks for what.you said about.books.and.cultural stuff.bro and.also music sooo real, i got so much thing.i could do but i always.tell.myself i'm.bored ! Thanks for.giving.myself some kick in the.ass and.remembering me that i got to get busy and that there is a.WHOLE.world waiting.for.me.that i.can explore rather than.being focus on my porn and addiction trouble ! Thanks again dude !!

Stay strong

 

[achilles heel]

Day 11

Low energy today, I'm feeling tired and need to take nutrition serious again. Still doing good recovering from my latest relapse, I have to prepare myself for the third and fourth week as they will be tough again.

Thanks a lot for your support, Theself, I hope you'll stay on track too!

 

[Theself]

Low energy too, almost relapse tonight. Will channel all my energy on gym and workout thats the best i can do right now to avoid falling again in the addictive trap

Tips for nutrition bro: green tea is a must ;  other herbal tea too. Zinc and.magn?sium very very often need to be supplemented. But in any case do what works for yoi

Peace

 

[achilles heel]

Day 12

Almost two weeks! Can't tell I'm feeling good, my latest relapses caused some serious doubts about overcoming this addiction. Will write on this as soon as I find the time.

 

[Theself]

keep going bro and don't let your past history determine who you are right now and what you are capable of doing now.

the past is the past,forget about your past & make the rest of your life the best of your life, come on!!

take it one day at a time bro, you are stronger than you think. and about your thought, your doubts, are no more real than the shadow of a shadow, they don't reveal anything about you. don't listen to your mind, to the negative voice and stay strong ; it will eventually be quieter.

i will do this challenge to the end bro, until i'm totally free, so follow me !

have a great great day

 

[J_24]

HANG IN THERE! you will get over this. you have been at it for a while which is GREAT. just dont be hard on yourself and keep trying. try and try till you succeed with everytime a relapse being more distant than the last one. positive self talk my friend and you are gonna be fine !!

 

[achilles heel]

Thank you, guys! Your words gave me a boost of motivation, I entered self-pity-mode again and it doesn't lead anywhere. Outside of this community there are only three people who know about my problem. Two female friends who I opened up to, but who failed to see the dimension of my problem (I just didn't mention it anymore and lost contact to one of them already) and my girlfriend who lately told me how she had doubts about my way due to my reocurring relapses. As you might have noticed, it really hit me hard and I adapted these doubts. I couldn't tell her why it's going to be different this time and I can't answer this to myself.

It's almost impossible to give someone an insight on porn addiction who doesn't suffer from this himself and I didn't talk about this to any of my male friends because they are rather open about watching porn and don't seem to consider it a problem. If it was alcoholism I know I'd have ten people around offering me help. But as it's porn, I'm feeling really lonely sometimes. So, yeah, you have no idea how much your supportive words mean to me. Thanks again and stay strong too!

 

[Nope]

Keep on going achilles!! Society in general is not aware of many important problems, that does not mean they're not real. Don't let these feelings of loneliness get you, we're all in the right path.

 

[achilles heel]

I couldn't tell her why it's going to be different this time and I can't answer this to myself.

And it didn't change, I relapsed today. I'm not ready to quit and I have to find out why before any new attempts.

 

[jkkk]

It's not the time you fall. It's the times you stand up that mean.

Print out the William's thread in whole (don't read it on a computer, print it). Watch the GaryWilson 1h15 min video every day. Until you learn it by heart.

This is all pretty simple. You and I, we are on a chemical that is very strong. It changed our brains. It's changed the way we react to success, to failure, to anxiety and to stress. All of this is affected.

You've been in this pretty long. You have decision power. The question is in the decision.

This might be a time that is emotionally too draining for you. You act out to block some of these emotions. This is how we get to the same point.

Don't beat yourself up, achilles. You did nothing wrong.

Just come back, cos we need you here, among the fighting ones, in the first line of attack.

 

[RuntoSpirit]

Hey Achilles

I just read a report (in Wack:addicted toINternet Porn by Noah CHurch) about a man who wend something like 200 days.  He was singing of all the benefits, but then he said something that really affected me.  HE said that in his reboot he relapsed 80-100 times.

We know that the brain calls out for excessively high dopamine.  WE can give it that through porn.  But if we do we only strengthen that "CALL FOR MORE" 
When we relapse we do have the chance of getting right back to starving out that "call mechanism".  IF we go the distance we can get to th point where our brains will react normally to normal sexual stimulation.  And we can have satisfying lives. 
THere is a protein DeltaFOsB in the brain.  It is a triggering device for all addictions.  It takes 6-8 weeks for this to start to be diminished in the brain.  Some men give 90-120 days for the proces.  The length of time isn't critical as we are heading for a lifetime of no pmo anyway, but after the triggering proteins are released from the brain the cravings are noticably lessened.  We can look forward to that.
CHeers in your recovery

 

[J_24]

Achilles,

you can and you will see yourself out of it. get the self control app for the PC that can block out websites for a period set by you . it might help you. also after reading your post, i sense that you might be giving into self pity and self doubt which makes things worse. our brains are twisted and will find a way to reason it out to PMO. gabe warns us of this in this video as well so if you are suffering from self pity or self doubt, try snapping out of it. read something around it and since you have a girl friend, talk to her. but its important to be positive !!!

remember - all things worth achieving are never easy to do!

 

[achilles heel]

Thank you so much, guys. I relapsed for four days in a row. On saturday I stopped. I'll be back here soon, but need some time off to further reflect on my attitude and behavior. All the best for you, will answer you soon!

 

[achilles heel]

So far I made it a week on hardmode. I didn't set any goals yet, I just tried to find inner peace again after returning to the abyss. I had given in to the chaser effect for four consecutive days, going back to all porn categories, multiple tabs, you know the deal. My conclusion? There is no satisfaction. No benefit. Nothing. Only wasted time, shame, emptyness. With a month off porn a look at a pic of a girl in bikini arouses me, but the thought to calm my cravings is just wrong, because it will only cause more hunger. And on the second day a girl in bikini isn't enough anymore. On the third normal porn won't do. There is no satisfaction in dopamine adiction. It is searching, all the time. Searching for searching. There is no relief at the end, just disappointment. On saturday I was just laying there asking myself "This is it, you are craving for?" and I just stopped. I hope this insight had a healing effect.

@jkkk: I will remain here in the first line of attack. I promised not to give up and I won't. I've fallen a hundred times, but despite all those relapses I personally advanced with every period of abstinence and change. I fell back to porn for four days, but now I managed seven days without it. And I've become stronger.

@RuntoSpirit: I know about the chemical process, but it's still hard to remind myself all the time. To give you an example: My latest 13 day streak ended in the middle of the night. I woke up and went to the toilet. Half asleep I took my cell phone with me and a minute later I was back on autopilot looking at porn.

And that's why you, J_24, are absolutely right. I will have to invest some money to buy a new computer and cell phone, because both devices I use are too old for modern web protection. You are also right about self-pity. I'm a master of self-pity and self-doubts, but lately my girlfriend said she has serious doubts about my ability to recover. I can't blame her, as she's been supportive all the time and it's certainly not easy to hear "This time it will work!" again and again.

I will have to find out more about my inner force of self-destruction and what's it I'll change this time to succeed.

 

[Theself]

Yes dude, absolutely NOTHING good about fapping or porn. I was downloading some music and i saw some sexy advertising and i felt that old negative pull, and i remenber how porn is fucking evil and just want to keep you in that dark dark place.

self-pity, self-doubt, fuck it your brain is against you, do not listen to the negative tape, do not try to replace it by a positive one (it will just exhaust you), no just don't do it, don't fap. what i mean ? you got that urge, you just go running ; you don't think twice. 2 am, 3 am fuck it go running. still tempted ? cold shower . still excited ? push-ups. still not ready to go to sleep ? do something. 5 am and exhausted you go to bed. you wake up and you don't fucking believe what you have just achieved, how tough and strong you've been that night. and here i promise you, you won't relapse because of what you get trough during this night (i got 2-3 night like that 2 years ago during my reboot, will NEVER forget those) and how your character has grown during this night.

an advice : do not wait to find your inner strenght or whatever, you will find it when you will battle your urge. first of all you might never find what you are looking for. and, there will never be the perfect time, the perfect moment to start nofap. and there is no better moment than right now to do a good action and make a good decision for your future.

you don't have to wait, you don't have to wait to hit rock bottom, or to hear your higher self tell you "time to stop right now!", you don't need to have a epiphany, you don't need to feel 100% commited for life, no. you can do it one day at a time, and do not think about this or that just focus on not fapping and finding healthy substitutes. and then you will wake up and it will be 21 day and you will chock yourself on how far you have been and you will realize :

"fuck i don't want to kill all my effort on this fucking pixels fuck it fuck it i keep going, life is better, i'm a better man, lets go"

also, all the inner qualities, strenght, commitment and just your true self will reveal themselves during your battle.

also, (last post on my journal), you got to become excited about your life. not excited as a result of hype circomstances or events, no. its about changing your mind and the way you look at thing. life is fucking epic if we want to. its just about getting control of your state and choosing to see the good and the exicting side, or even creating it, in everything in life. boredom, lack of meaning, or bad feelings will be way way better to handle with this.

keep the motivation and don't wait to start nofap, do it now !

we are counting on you, you are counting on you, your gf too i guess. so choose to say no to porn

peace my friend be strong

 

[J_24]

Well said theself !!

There is little to add but let me tell you, i too relapsed for 2 consecutive days and i feel shit right now. i saw a couple of videos of addicts that have recovered and i am finding the belief again that it was only momentary and i have gone 20 days without PMO and i WILL AGAIN. slowly put surely i will get out of this and probably you too can find this belief.

Hang in there mate cause we are all dependent on each other to get out of this. be positive even if those around you are not !!

 

[achilles heel]

2 days clean

This weekend I realized something I haven't felt before: I am ready to quit. I relapsed again last week, my latest relapse was on friday in the early morning and it was my last. As you might have noticed I lately expressed lots of doubts about my motivation and ability to quit. I didn't make it two weeks without relapsing lately. As long as there are doubts about recovery, there is no recovery, but I couldn't force myself to gain more insights about myself. I had to experience and feel a change of mindset. I am done with porn, porn subs, sexting and any kind of artificial stimulation. I am done with my old life and shut the inner door I had left open before.

Apart from a change of mindset, I'm going to actually change all aspects of life that are dangerous for my progress. I ordered a new cell phone already that will support web protection. Next week I will buy a new computer to install K9 or Cold Turkey. I am modifying my flat, buying new clothes and need a symbolic change to leave my old life behind too. Since 2013 I try to break free already, I relapsed a hundred times, but it's the first time that my will to break free doesn't result out of shame or self-hatred after relapsing, but due to the insight on how I am holding back myself with lacking attitude. I've got lots of potential in so many ways and instead of looking with regret at my past, I need to build my future.

 

[Theself]

RAHHHH BROOO RAHHH BRO THATS GREATTTT !!!! really dude i'm so pumped right now ; you gonna kill it.

yes yes you right, enough time wasted, enough time being less that what you truly are, enough wasting potential enough time giving up your own and true power because of porn and addiction. gain back your real life bro, you made the best decision you could, you  will remember this time forever as the beginning of your real and great life.

I read that addiction are obstacle we inconsciously put on our way because we are afraid of our true greatness, of our true potential. darkness is scary but its common and familiar, we been there, done that. but being great, being fabulous and talented, being our true self, with all its true power is scary, that light is scary because its unfamiliar, unknown and we unconsciously think that its too much too handle for us.

but how can we have a fully satisfied life, being fullfilled and proud of us if we know that we are self-saboting our greatness ? how can we be happy if we know we deliberately choose addiction and therefore choose to be weak when we are strong and powerful.

lets seize our true potential because lets be real addiction are a fucking plague and a life of addiction is not a life, bottom line+

Really dude, happy for you, keep going, i'm with you on this battle. get rid of all addictive behaviours, don't replace one by another and just purify yourself, start a new and healthy life ; clean and fresh.

stay strong

you can, you will and you must win this

got some push ups and weights on the way, see ya soon bro