Malando - getting started.

[Boo]

I tell you what the further I get from the porn the more laser like focus I have for my spouse, Woo-Hoo!

Oh yeah, I've noticed that already! I'm often salivating at the thought of touching her now. I always desired to touch her, but I'm not sure it was always her as a person because my mind was full of fantasies. Now that I'm staying right away from fantasies, I'm finding her much more exciting than I used to. It's great, and a sign that I'm doing the right thing. There was definitely an expiry date on my old lifestyle. I'm glad I'm changing it before I became impotent.

This is what really started to alarm me. As soon as PIED stated creeping into to my marriage, fueled by a growing apathy and disinterest, I knew I had to do something to change. This was a more recent mind shift. In previous reboots I never had much PIED, so I lost my commitment and relapsed, many times.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

I tell you what the further I get from the porn the more laser like focus I have for my spouse, Woo-Hoo!

Oh yeah, I've noticed that already! I'm often salivating at the thought of touching her now. I always desired to touch her, but I'm not sure it was always her as a person because my mind was full of fantasies. Now that I'm staying right away from fantasies, I'm finding her much more exciting than I used to. It's great, and a sign that I'm doing the right thing. There was definitely an expiry date on my old lifestyle. I'm glad I'm changing it before I became impotent.

I have always found my wife very exciting and sexy.  I can't wait to make love to her again. I do find that intimacy is what has lagged in my marriage.  As I drew away from her and into my mind I'm sure she could sense it and also withdrew into herself.  Our lovemaking became more perfunctory when it happened maybe once a week.

Since my Reboot, we have not made love.  I don't get the chance to practice being intimate with or without sex.  But, I know it will be better when we get there.

Keep up the good work gentlemen.

 

[malando]

That's very inspiring to hear Boo and Erasmus. It seems that giving up P can have a very rapid and profound effect on the dynamics of a relationship - even a long term one. It's profound enough that I think I'd advise pretty much anyone in a relationship who uses porn to be very careful about how it might change the internal dynamics - even for couples who like to watch it together. Not that I want to be a wowser/preacher, but if the subject came up or just on philosophical grounds, you know. I know if you'd asked me just 7-8 weeks ago if P is an obstacle in my life/relationship I would have confidently said no, it's an enhancement! But reading YBOP flipped my universe around in about 30 minutes flat.

It makes me grieve for humanity in a way, that we are collectively falling prey to this silent assassin. The most bewildering part of all is that on face value there are only two sides to the debate - those who think P is bad, and those who think it isn't. And the divide is generally on moral (frequently religious) grounds. But it's really a null debate because the danger of P isn't whether it's good/bad on the moral level - it's the morale level! And by "morale" I'm referring to the undermining of one's natural living force and vitality due to the disruption of the dopamine/reward circuits in the brain.

So you have these two majorities - those both for and against P, who are both almost entirely oblivious about the underlying nature of the problem. The P user thinks it's harmless fun, adding spice to their life - either as a replacement or an adjunct to their relationship (and blaming other factors in their lives when things do go wrong). And you have the moral/religious objector, who thinks it goes against a certain faithfulness or Godly code. But it's the silent neuronal/chemical argument that really settles the argument. It's just so sneaky and undermining and it's affecting so many people and 99% of them don't know it's happening. I'd treat it as an emergency for mankind - in an era where technology, and the internet in particular, have run completely unchecked and unlegislated on the unsuspecting public. I'm sure there are other changes going on in the brain from looking at bright coloured screens all day too.

So at present there is only a very tiny core of people who know about this problem - and it's people like us who have suffered the effect and the scientists/psychologists who study/treat them. I wish there was a way to treat this problem on a much wider scale, get the message out there to all the young kids who are already taking their first steps down the road of P addiction and dependence. Unfortunately this subject is still taboo to be addressed in schools.

Sorry, I'm getting very philosophical tonight! I feel like I could launch into a doctoral thesis on the subject at the moment!

 

[malando]

From the philosophical to the guttural...

Tonight I was convinced I caved in and had a massive P and M binge. I thought about how I'd have to reset my counters and start from square one. Also how scary it was to find myself lapsing with no recollection of how I started. I remember images that were explicit and ugly. Why did I cave?!

And then I woke up. I dreamt it all. When I look back now, the images were not really that hardcore, they were just meant to represent a relapse in my dream. But it felt very familiar - like I was settling myself in for a totally unchecked rampage of P abuse. I wonder if my brain managed to give itself a bit of a dopamine hit by dreaming like that? Who knows, but it felt big and took me a while to convince myself that I hadn't cheated or done something wrong. Part of the withdrawal, I guess. The brain is a complex beast...

 

[malando]

Had an amazing night with my partner. We made love twice and it was really magnificent. I didn't think about other women, I didn't have trouble with ED or DE. I felt close to her. we had a great chat afterwards. I'm really feeling the benefit of quitting P. I haven't felt this sensitive in a long while. It's unnerving feeling like my dick is dead every other day of the week, but it seems it does work when it needs to. I guess that's part of the rewiring process - you aren't meant to feel like your dick is active all the time. Being a P addict gives you that illusion that you need to feel that feeling every day, but actually you don't. I'm hoping the rewards I'm experiencing will prevent me from relapsing in the future. It would be crazy to jeopardise something so great by numbing it all down with P.

 

[Chip]

..I guess that's part of the rewiring process - you aren't meant to feel like your dick is active all the time. Being a P addict gives you that illusion that you need to feel that feeling every day, but actually you don't. I'm hoping the rewards I'm experiencing will prevent me from relapsing in the future. It would be crazy to jeopardise something so great by numbing it all down with P...

Nail on the Head!

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

From the threads I am reading, it's quite common for rebooted to dream they are relapsing. May it never be.  That just ain't right.

 

[Chip]

From the threads I am reading, it's quite common for rebooted to dream they are relapsing. May it never be.  That just ain't right.

I had that happen to me early on, having a dream and woke myself up when I realized what was happening.  I think its a positive sign that the brain and spirit are healing, returning to the factory default settings.  It shows that the PFC(Pre-Frontal Cortex) is regaining its strength in resisting, which is diminished from years of PMO. 

Cheers Mate,

Chip

 

[fyg]

It's unnerving feeling like my dick is dead every other day of the week, but it seems it does work when it needs to. I guess that's part of the rewiring process - you aren't meant to feel like your dick is active all the time. Being a P addict gives you that illusion that you need to feel that feeling every day, but actually you don't. I'm hoping the rewards I'm experiencing will prevent me from relapsing in the future. It would be crazy to jeopardise something so great by numbing it all down with P.

Hi Malando,

This is how I feel of late... It might be a bit different for me as I'm single, but it only comes alive when I get some reciprocal attraction with a woman, like I feel there is some interest between us, and then I get some 'wind in my sails'... Other than that, apart from urges (only a couple, one today, for M when I went to p**s, and yesday, for P that went away quick), I'm getting nothing. I had something similar with the last woman I slept with (a little while ago, now) which was unexpected during a flatline, and it seemed to work absolutely fine. There are some nuances to all this, but right now isn't the place to share.

Cheers man.

 

[Boo]

Had an amazing night with my partner. We made love twice and it was really magnificent. I didn't think about other women, I didn't have trouble with ED or DE. I felt close to her. we had a great chat afterwards. I'm really feeling the benefit of quitting P. I haven't felt this sensitive in a long while. It's unnerving feeling like my dick is dead every other day of the week, but it seems it does work when it needs to. I guess that's part of the rewiring process - you aren't meant to feel like your dick is active all the time. Being a P addict gives you that illusion that you need to feel that feeling every day, but actually you don't. I'm hoping the rewards I'm experiencing will prevent me from relapsing in the future. It would be crazy to jeopardise something so great by numbing it all down with P.

Malando,

This is an outstanding post of progress. In fact, it's one of the most encouraging posts I've read here at RN , particularly for those of us married or in a significant relationship. I AM interested in what you share here at RN and as I've stated before, I've found great value and personal insight from it. Be well.

 

[malando]

Thankyou so much, Boo.

I've been quite concerned whether I'm still welcome on the forum. I have been worried maybe the religious guys are washing their hands of me after my comments. Even though I tried to point out that several of my friends here on the forum who are religious (Boo, Chip, RJ and others) post in a way that I enjoy and find interesting and inclusive, it seems I have incurred the ire of some of these friends. Maybe I need to take a step back. This place needs to be a supportive brotherhood. If I'm the only one who perceives exclusion from certain posts, or if I'm disturbing the brotherhood maybe I'm the one who has to go (well at the very least, I need to keep silent when I feel the way I did about those posts).

I want to say though that I have tried very hard to help people here on the forum in my short time here. I don't want to have to go because this place has been a lifeline for me in getting off P and feeling some understanding from my friends here. If anybody here is uncomfortable with my presence here on the forum, feel free to post here or PM me and I'll do my best to explain my position since not many people seem to understand it - particularly the religious guys.

My goal was never to offend others' beliefs.

Regarding my progress: yes it's very encouraging. I don't want to claim to be cured at this stage. I'm conscious that I could be experiencing a false dawn - and that future challenges could come my way that test or weaken my resolve. I must remain vigilant. Your "no MO in June" challenge was a great idea that I instantly knew I wanted to challenge myself with. I consider what's happened so far to be a very promising start and a small window into the rewards that await me if I can give up P for good. I'm embracing pain and withdrawal as the price of recovery.

Regards,
M.

 

[Boo]

Thankyou so much, Boo.

I've been quite concerned whether I'm still welcome on the forum. I have been worried maybe the religious guys are washing their hands of me after my comments. Even though I tried to point out that several of my friends here on the forum who are religious (Boo, Chip, RJ and others) post in a way that I enjoy and find interesting and inclusive, it seems I have incurred the ire of some of these friends. Maybe I need to take a step back. This place needs to be a supportive brotherhood. If I'm the only one who perceives exclusion from certain posts, or if I'm disturbing the brotherhood maybe I'm the one who has to go (well at the very least, I need to keep silent when I feel the way I did about those posts).

I want to say though that I have tried very hard to help people here on the forum in my short time here. I don't want to have to go because this place has been a lifeline for me in getting off P and feeling some understanding from my friends here. If anybody here is uncomfortable with my presence here on the forum, feel free to post here or PM me and I'll do my best to explain my position since not many people seem to understand it - particularly the religious guys.

My goal was never to offend others' beliefs.

Regarding my progress: yes it's very encouraging. I don't want to claim to be cured at this stage. I'm conscious that I could be experiencing a false dawn - and that future challenges could come my way that test or weaken my resolve. I must remain vigilant. Your "no MO in June" challenge was a great idea that I instantly knew I wanted to challenge myself with. I consider what's happened so far to be a very promising start and a small window into the rewards that await me if I can give up P for good. I'm embracing pain and withdrawal as the price of recovery.

Regards,
M.

Malando,

Here's some feedback to your comments that I've emboldened:

As far as I'm concerned, you are certainly welcome here at RN

Please remember, people are not required, and in fact may not, always post in a way that you enjoy. Unless their posts are directly aimed at you, it really shouldn't matter what they post (thick skin required)

No one said they want you to go and if you did I think it would be a loss for RN as well as you. As far as other members being uncomfortable by your presence here, well, unless you directly address them with hostility or criticism (with constructive criticism being a "fine line" ), their being uncomfortable is their problem. Remember, you have to be able to internalize the same discomfort of which I speak.

As far as us "religious" guys, some of us are more that way than others. All views should be accepted for the intrinsic value they have to the one holding the views. In closing I would advise to be as open minded as you can here. Sometimes it's in our human nature to come close to engaging in ad hominem when we feel strongly about something. Of course we know it's a logical fallacy and as such it should help us to keep things civil. All that said, I'm glad you're here 

 

[RecoveryJunkie]

M, I just read the last couple of replies on your journal. I want to say that I honestly don't see myself as religious although I happen to have been brought up catholic and I do believe in God but that's about as far as it goes for me. I really don't attend any church unless it's a wedding or funeral or something of the sort. I do attend church regularly but mostly it's in a grungy basement for an AA meeting.

I honestly didn't know your views on faith matters and quite frankly, as a friend, the only thing that's important to me is that you are doing well. Your posts and comments have kept me on the path many times in the last while and I find them so helpful. Admittedly, I don't read everything posted because my time on this site is limited to my I phone and many times I have started writing back to thank you for a message or to comment on a post and as I have a tendency to ramble on, my phone battery dies. It's a bit inconvenient and frustrating but I don't want to fix my laptop at this point.

I just wanted to let you know that you most certainly belong here, your posts are honest and helpful to many. When I say thank God, it's not meant as a slight on someone who may not believe but as a simple expression of gratitude for a feeling of freedom and confidence I have been given through the help of men such as yourself and many others, wether believer or non believer.

Friend, I need you to continue posting your recovery because without it,  I would feel so alone.

 

[malando]

Thank-you Boo and RJ, it means a lot to me that you guys want me here that much. I'll always have your backs here.

I'm not anti-spiritual, more that I don't have a clear set of  (codified) beliefs. I've run into people in my life who have told me that I'm not on the right path - urging me to believe certain things if I want to be on the right path and looked after by god. I guess I'm a bit sensitive to some people who I perceive as preachy in defining the "right path" as though it's the path for everybody. I think this whole reboot thing does tap into certain vulnerabilities involving self-acceptance and judgement - it's possible when I come onto RN I'm in that mode of filtering the world along those lines. Maybe that's why I reacted as I did. I can see that I'm just going to have to bite my tongue if I feel that instinctive reaction, take a deep breath, let the emotion pass and accept that it's nothing to do with me, let it go. Much like when urges involving P arise: take a breath, let the intensity pass, be aware what's happening internally, let it go.

Cheers, gents.
M.

 

[Leon]

Thankyou so much, Boo.

I've been quite concerned whether I'm still welcome on the forum. I have been worried maybe the religious guys are washing their hands of me after my comments. Even though I tried to point out that several of my friends here on the forum who are religious (Boo, Chip, RJ and others) post in a way that I enjoy and find interesting and inclusive, it seems I have incurred the ire of some of these friends. Maybe I need to take a step back. This place needs to be a supportive brotherhood. If I'm the only one who perceives exclusion from certain posts, or if I'm disturbing the brotherhood maybe I'm the one who has to go (well at the very least, I need to keep silent when I feel the way I did about those posts).

I want to say though that I have tried very hard to help people here on the forum in my short time here. I don't want to have to go because this place has been a lifeline for me in getting off P and feeling some understanding from my friends here. If anybody here is uncomfortable with my presence here on the forum, feel free to post here or PM me and I'll do my best to explain my position since not many people seem to understand it - particularly the religious guys.

My goal was never to offend others' beliefs.

Regarding my progress: yes it's very encouraging. I don't want to claim to be cured at this stage. I'm conscious that I could be experiencing a false dawn - and that future challenges could come my way that test or weaken my resolve. I must remain vigilant. Your "no MO in June" challenge was a great idea that I instantly knew I wanted to challenge myself with. I consider what's happened so far to be a very promising start and a small window into the rewards that await me if I can give up P for good. I'm embracing pain and withdrawal as the price of recovery.

Regards,
M.

Malando, in regards to your posts- I've only seen encouragement, wisdom, and understanding. I personally would be so remiss if you quit the forum, or ceased posting.

It's perhaps no secret that I'm of a religious bent (I would like to say, 'spiritual'), as my posts here often reflect. But those who know me (or at least understand my angle here) is that I have only one direction equally toward believers and non-believers, and that is acceptance, love and inclusion. To me, there's no difference fundamentally (no pun intended).

Reboot Nation actually was an offshoot originally from Your Brain on Porn (YBR), which is a much bigger forum. But a lot of folks there were at war with each other, believers versus non-believers, or those of various sexual orientations fighting each other. So, some guys, Gabe Deem, lte, etc (someone correct me if I'm wrong), split off to start a forum that would put all those differences aside, and just focus on rebooting.

So, not sure of the conversations in question, if some self-righteous holier-than-thou had some off words with you, please disregard. I know that's easier said than done for folk like us, who are very sensitive in an already highly sensitive forum- but, please don't take their words as any kind of temperature of the whole of RN. All us believers aren't like that. In fact, for most of the believers I'm aware of here, most are very compassionate and tolerable toward those not like themselves.

Hope that somewhat offsets whatever negative experience you may have had.

 

[malando]

Thank-you, Leon.

I know I overreacted now. It was a reflex response to feelings I've had in the past about people getting very preachy and basically saying my path is wrong and that I'm going to miss out on my afterlife if I don't get on the "right" path. I found it frustrating and I tend to feel that reaction if I get a sniff of the "single" path idea. I did have a couple of difficult exchanges by PM on the matter too where I felt similarly marginalised and preached to. I'll try to just let people have their say however they want to say it and only concern myself with matters where I can be of some help. I hope that will apply to people of any spiritual persuasion.

Thanks for your kindness and reassurance. There are some really great guys on here - and most of them are believers, so no problem with that!

Regards,
M.

 

[Feetfirst]

Really glad you are here Malando, your few words of kindness and support at this time have been a blessing. We are all finding our way the best we can we may meander but with the support of each other we get there. FF

 

[malando]

Thankyou so much, Boo.

I've been quite concerned whether I'm still welcome on the forum. I have been worried maybe the religious guys are washing their hands of me after my comments. Even though I tried to point out that several of my friends here on the forum who are religious (Boo, Chip, RJ and others) post in a way that I enjoy and find interesting and inclusive, it seems I have incurred the ire of some of these friends. Maybe I need to take a step back. This place needs to be a supportive brotherhood. If I'm the only one who perceives exclusion from certain posts, or if I'm disturbing the brotherhood maybe I'm the one who has to go (well at the very least, I need to keep silent when I feel the way I did about those posts).

I want to say though that I have tried very hard to help people here on the forum in my short time here. I don't want to have to go because this place has been a lifeline for me in getting off P and feeling some understanding from my friends here. If anybody here is uncomfortable with my presence here on the forum, feel free to post here or PM me and I'll do my best to explain my position since not many people seem to understand it - particularly the religious guys.

My goal was never to offend others' beliefs.

Regarding my progress: yes it's very encouraging. I don't want to claim to be cured at this stage. I'm conscious that I could be experiencing a false dawn - and that future challenges could come my way that test or weaken my resolve. I must remain vigilant. Your "no MO in June" challenge was a great idea that I instantly knew I wanted to challenge myself with. I consider what's happened so far to be a very promising start and a small window into the rewards that await me if I can give up P for good. I'm embracing pain and withdrawal as the price of recovery.

Regards,
M.

Malando, my brother

We are cool.  I wrestled with whether to respond at all or just let things die down on their own.  My hope was, that if I cleared the air that the distraction would stop with me.  I apologize if my attempt inadvertently fanned the flames.  Now I've said my peace on that and its over.

Now as to you staying, going or being welcome?  You are most assuredly welcome and I for one do NOT want you to leave or take time off or let the stress and distraction of the last few days interfere with why we are here.  We are here to get free of porn and to encourage and lift each other up the best way we can.  I love message boards like these, but they have limitations, all we can do is read text, no body language, no facial expressions, so sometimes things get misinterpreted.  I tell you what, I would like to invite everyone back over to my journal and we all agree to go back and "remove" everything we posted going back to where things ran off the rails...  We get a literal clean slate and move forward, together.

Thank-you Chip, i appreciate your words. And yes I'm happy to delete my posts on your thread and "reboot" with a clean slate. In fact, I'll do it right now...

Edit: ok Chip, all my posts on that topic are gone now. Hopefully the other guys can remove theirs and your thread is restored. Apologies once again.

 

[Chip]

So how are you doing?  I see you ticked off 25 days, having any problems?  I myself had some random brain fog this weekend, but I'm better this morning.

 

[aslowturning]

Hey M,

Just want to give you a pat on the back and some encouragement as you close in on 30 days. You can can do it. I keep up with your journal and it strengthens me! Thank You!