Malando - getting started.

[malando]

So how are you doing?  I see you ticked off 25 days, having any problems?  I myself had some random brain fog this weekend, but I'm better this morning.

I have some random urges that sneak up on me from time to time. Like I'll be watching TV or something and then discover that I'm absent-mindedly checking for signs of life below the belt. It's not that I'm necessarily even having a sexual thought at the time - just years of having that regular feeling leaves my brain subconsciously looking for it. At times I will even feel slightly aroused before I realise what's happening and stop it. I haven't M at all since June started.

What this shows me is that my brain is so practiced at seeking arousal that I don't even need to be consciously involved for it to happen. This is a sobering thought because when I haven't really had too much trouble with resisting P so far, but my subconscious mind really can't be trusted - so I must remain vigilant. I am both excited and suspicious of my recovery so far. It hasn't been as hard as I thought it might be in my first week when I had urges every day. But I know my brain is creative enough to still keep finding a way to get its fix - for a while yet anyway.

I did fall off the wagon yesterday regarding my sugar addiction. I think my addiction to sugar is worse than my P addiction - but then again all addictions have things in common in the brain so I need to be very careful right now because if my sugar resolve can weaken, so could my P resolve. It's a process...

Thanks for your support, my friend.
M.

 

[malando]

Hey M,

Just want to give you a pat on the back and some encouragement as you close in on 30 days. You can can do it. I keep up with your journal and it strengthens me! Thank You!

Thank-you, AST, that is very gratifying to know my experience is helpful to you. I wish you great success! M.

 

[malando]

Had a very tough night. I think I was getting ahead of myself thinking about how well I'm doing with getting off P. I was convinced that I was now unreactive to P - having rationalised how bad the industry is, how it breaks lives and how unnatural it is. So I decided I would test myself by just taking a quick peek at a bit of P. My god, was I wrong! I had a massive dopamine jolt, and a physical reaction to match. I only saw it for about 3 seconds before shutting it off. It was honestly quite frightening how strong the reaction was. In staying away from P for a month, I have regained my sensitivity to normal sex with my partner, but I have also regained my sensitivity to P. I consider P to be just as dangerous today as I did a month ago. And the image I saw made such an impact, it's burned into my mind now, I've been having flashbacks since I saw it. I have to work hard to push it away. I can see that I need to be very strict with P images and just stay away from them completely. I didn't reset my counter because it was so brief, more of a wakeup call - and I didn't MO.

This journey has only just begun. I post this mainly as a warning to everybody: don't get complacent! The beast still lurks and we must always be wary of it. Don't be tempted to take a peek at P. I already regret it. It's put me off balance today. I feel nervy and hyper sexual. It's taken me out of my rhythm, temporarily I hope.

Take care, gents.
M.

 

[RecoveryJunkie]

Hang in there brother. Let it be a lesson. It's easy to not look at P when your not looking at P. Stay strong and let it be a lesson that the addiction lurks always looking for a week moment to swallow us up again. I' been sober from alcohol for many years and on two separate occasions I've mistakenly taken a drink one of spiked coffee(my brothers) and one was a Coors light which I took out of a fridge thinking it was a diet Pepsi (same colour cans). Both occasions really rattled me although I did not get drunk or continue to drink. Scary shit though, in my own experience I kind of know how troubling this is, especially being new to recovery from P. I was sober over 15 years on both occasions and I obsessed about it for days. Do t be shy to reach out of talk to someone if you can. It does help to settle things.

Head up shoulders back and carry on, there is nothing real or good waiting for you on the other side of that screen. Rebember that we all need you hear, thanks for sharing that experiance brother.

 

[malando]

Hang in there brother. Let it be a lesson. It's easy to not look at P when your not looking at P. Stay strong and let it be a lesson that the addiction lurks always looking for a week moment to swallow us up again. I' been sober from alcohol for many years and on two separate occasions I've mistakenly taken a drink one of spiked coffee(my brothers) and one was a Coors light which I took out of a fridge thinking it was a diet Pepsi (same colour cans). Both occasions really rattled me although I did not get drunk or continue to drink. Scary shit though, in my own experience I kind of know how troubling this is, especially being new to recovery from P. I was sober over 15 years on both occasions and I obsessed about it for days. Do t be shy to reach out of talk to someone if you can. It does help to settle things.

Head up shoulders back and carry on, there is nothing real or good waiting for you on the other side of that screen. Rebember that we all need you hear, thanks for sharing that experiance brother.

Thanks, RJ. I need to not make it bigger than it is, I guess. It was just such a jolt! I'm only just now settling my nerves about 14 hours later. There's no question that without this place, I would have fallen off the wagon by now. This place is indispensable for reminding us of all the victims P has left in its wake. I'll learn from this. Thanks for your support, brother. And it's been really awesome to read that things are going so well for you lately.

 

[TK-421]

Had a very tough night. I think I was getting ahead of myself thinking about how well I'm doing with getting off P. I was convinced that I was now unreactive to P - having rationalised how bad the industry is, how it breaks lives and how unnatural it is. So I decided I would test myself by just taking a quick peek at a bit of P. My god, was I wrong! I had a massive dopamine jolt, and a physical reaction to match. I only saw it for about 3 seconds before shutting it off. It was honestly quite frightening how strong the reaction was. In staying away from P for a month, I have regained my sensitivity to normal sex with my partner, but I have also regained my sensitivity to P. I consider P to be just as dangerous today as I did a month ago. And the image I saw made such an impact, it's burned into my mind now, I've been having flashbacks since I saw it. I have to work hard to push it away. I can see that I need to be very strict with P images and just stay away from them completely. I didn't reset my counter because it was so brief, more of a wakeup call - and I didn't MO.

This journey has only just begun. I post this mainly as a warning to everybody: don't get complacent! The beast still lurks and we must always be wary of it. Don't be tempted to take a peek at P. I already regret it. It's put me off balance today. I feel nervy and hyper sexual. It's taken me out of my rhythm, temporarily I hope.

Take care, gents.
M.

That's a good reminder how it is still "early days" for anyone with less than 90 days in. Also a good reminder about how cunning and deceptive porn can be. I do think it is important to learn from experiences like that so you don't do it again or completely relapse in the future.  Ask yourself what you were really thinking and what your motivation was for wanting a quick peek. I think once we are truely in the clear there won't be any desire to have "one quick peek". That's just your dopamine soaked brain trying to plead and rationalize with you to get the fix it has become so used to getting.

Be confident, but not complacent.

 

[malando]

Had a very tough night. I think I was getting ahead of myself thinking about how well I'm doing with getting off P. I was convinced that I was now unreactive to P - having rationalised how bad the industry is, how it breaks lives and how unnatural it is. So I decided I would test myself by just taking a quick peek at a bit of P. My god, was I wrong! I had a massive dopamine jolt, and a physical reaction to match. I only saw it for about 3 seconds before shutting it off. It was honestly quite frightening how strong the reaction was. In staying away from P for a month, I have regained my sensitivity to normal sex with my partner, but I have also regained my sensitivity to P. I consider P to be just as dangerous today as I did a month ago. And the image I saw made such an impact, it's burned into my mind now, I've been having flashbacks since I saw it. I have to work hard to push it away. I can see that I need to be very strict with P images and just stay away from them completely. I didn't reset my counter because it was so brief, more of a wakeup call - and I didn't MO.

This journey has only just begun. I post this mainly as a warning to everybody: don't get complacent! The beast still lurks and we must always be wary of it. Don't be tempted to take a peek at P. I already regret it. It's put me off balance today. I feel nervy and hyper sexual. It's taken me out of my rhythm, temporarily I hope.

Take care, gents.
M.

That's a good reminder how it is still "early days" for anyone with less than 90 days in. Also a good reminder about how cunning and deceptive porn can be. I do think it is important to learn from experiences like that so you don't do it again or completely relapse in the future.  Ask yourself what you were really thinking and what your motivation was for wanting a quick peek. I think once we are truely in the clear there won't be any desire to have "one quick peek". That's just your dopamine soaked brain trying to plead and rationalize with you to get the fix it has become so used to getting.

Be confident, but not complacent.

You may be right about the rationalisation, TK. I know that consciously I had been reading some accounts from people who claim to  have recovered to the point that they had managed to train their brain not to react to P. I clicked on that page believing I wouldn't care or react to it due to my recent total disinterest in P, but maybe my subconscious had other ideas. We all know we are capable of fooling ourselves with this issue. In any case, it was a rude awakening and it was enough for me to know that I don't need a second look. I just have to give it up permanently. There is no legitimate reason for me to ever go back. I'm lucky in the sense that non-naked photos on mainstream sites don't cause any reaction. I'm not afraid of seeing underwear models or girls in swimsuits when I'm walking through the shops. It really doesn't interest me. My brain has a clear idea of where it gets its dopamine fix and I just need to stay away from that.

Thanks for your thoughts, much appreciated.

 

[BlueSun]

Hey Malando,
Your journey is a part of mine.  You have my gratitude.

I've peeked, and then relapsed.  I've peeked and no MO, and obsessed over wh if it was relapse. Both seemed to provoke a wave of chaser, rough waters to follow. 

It's tough watching others go through it.  It's plain hard to stand up to it.  Our craving finds any little opening, any little crack in our armor and worms its way in.



I do think the 90 day heal-a-thon is important.  I think that during my first 10 weeks of continual cycling (3 porn binges, and a jerk or three just about 1/4 of the days) the greatest lesson was how porn bleeds into psubs.  And how I've sexualized and pornified life in general. 

And I'm speaking from a measly 4 days abstinence from MO having never capped 10 or so days.

But the thing that's changed this time is that I'm not turning to P ever again.  I don't need to test it, I know I'm an addict.  Just like I don't need to test alcohol, pot or cigarettes either.  And for now, for a few months, I'm not turning to M either.  I go out of control. I lose it. I have documented proof in spreadsheet form complete with stats and everything.

I will encounter P sometime.  The other day a friend flashed me a pic of their hot man crush on their phone.  I looked at it, recognized the pull, told them I'm avoiding fleshy pics which made the whole moment weird. But I wouldn't have hesitated to tell them I don't drink/smoke/whatever if they handed me some of that swill.  This is not my dirty secret.  I am recovering from a very real addiction.  And whether or not they understood why, I needed to not see more if their photo album.

Before, that porn would have been a trigger.  This time, it was an opportunity for me to draw the line.

I write this to you as one of my witnesses and I hope supporters who, despite the reality that relapsing is a part of recovery, expect that I'm going to be clean when I write you again.  Or when you check on my journal. 

That pic was burned on my mind too.  Right underneath mental red spray paint that says "No more.  It stopped here". There will be a bunch of those signs. Each one, a stronger capacity to say no with that rational machinery that has grown lax with no use. 

"No more.  It stopped here."

 

[malando]

Hi Bsun, I am witness to your recovery and I do trust that next time I write to you, or you to me, you will be clean. That's what I love about this place - it's a real brotherhood of guys who don't hold back their feelings or foibles, but provide support, encouragement and inspiration. It's not easy to get to that place in the "real" world - although it is possible.

I've learned my lesson about the peekL: don't do it. Ever. I accept that I will always react to it, so I must stay away from it.

Thank-you brother,
M.

 

[malando]

Well, I'm sorry to say that last night's peek became a manic surge of desire that I failed to control. I'm back to square one again. I need to completely keep away from P forever. It has the power to consume me for that short time that I succumb to it. So disappointing when I was only 3 days away from my 30 day milestone. I've let myself down, and I feel I've let my friends here down after all your encouragement and wise words. I don't know what happened in my brain, but it was pure mania. A seed was planted last night by that sneaky glance and I felt like a virus had corrupted my critical system files. Now it feels like the blue screen of death. Have to reboot again. Computer analogy working well here...

I need to be stronger, and I need to not get overconfident and think that I can test my resolve with a little peek - my resistance is not there, and may never be there. I need to concentrate on the full 90 day challenge and see where I sit after that (excepting relations with my partner, of course).

Sorry guys, I let you down. I'll redouble my efforts and do my darnedest not to let you down again. Don't give up on me, please.

M. 

 

[Boo]

You're good. Just start over. Lots to build on. I just PM'd you. You'll make it. I know it hurts. Been there more times than I care to say. Nobody is giving up on you as long as you don't give up on yourself. Be well, Bro.

 

[malando]

You're good. Just start over. Lots to build on. I just PM'd you. You'll make it. I know it hurts. Been there more times than I care to say. Nobody is giving up on you as long as you don't give up on yourself. Be well, Bro.

Thanks Boo, I guess it's just a passing emotion to feel down and out after a lapse. I know I've learned heaps about the condition in the past month I've been here. I've received support, advice and I've given support and advice to others. So it's been a good start - I've just got to treat this as a learning experience in terms of triggers, self-control and over-confidence. There's a certain embarrassment factor about resetting my counter. I hope it doesn't reduce anybody else's resolve to see me falter - nor dilute my messages of support to others. It's my first major lapse since discovering that I have a P-addiction a month ago. The fact that I feel this way reflects how much a want to change. All I can do is get back on the horse and keep riding.

Onward and upward.
M.

 

[TK-421]

Sorry to hear that - when a lapse or a slip happens I think the main things to remember are to not let it turn into a full relapse. In the past my twisted thinking has been "oh well, I stepped in the shit now I might as well roll around in it now to get my fix". This rolling around has sometimes lasted months or longer and, I know now, serves absolutely no purpose other than to wallow in the addition longer. The second point to remember is to learn from a slip so that you (and everyone else here) can learn how the faulty thinking works. What lead up to it? How were you feeling and thinking, etc. As others have been saying, we really need to be on guard for the way your brain can be fooled. Keep your resolve up and keep going in the right direction. Watch the Wilson video again. Re-read William's post.

 

[Chip]

Had a very tough night. I think I was getting ahead of myself thinking about how well I'm doing with getting off P. I was convinced that I was now unreactive to P - having rationalised how bad the industry is, how it breaks lives and how unnatural it is. So I decided I would test myself by just taking a quick peek at a bit of P.  and a physical reaction to match. I only saw it for about 3 seconds before shutting it off. It was honestly quite frightening how strong the reaction was. In staying away from P for a month, I have regained my sensitivity to normal sex with my partner, but I have also regained my sensitivity to P. I consider P to be just as dangerous today as I did a month ago. And the image I saw made such an impact, it's burned into my mind now, I've been having flashbacks since I saw it. I have to work hard to push it away. I can see that I need to be very strict with P images and just stay away from them completely. I didn't reset my counter because it was so brief, more of a wakeup call - and I didn't MO.

This journey has only just begun. I post this mainly as a warning to everybody: don't get complacent! The beast still lurks and we must always be wary of it. Don't be tempted to take a peek at P. I already regret it. It's put me off balance today. I feel nervy and hyper sexual. It's taken me out of my rhythm, temporarily I hope.

Take care, gents.
M.

I'm laughing and sorry too.  I've been there, done that and at times wanted to stick my head through the wall afterwards.  I'm not laughing at you, but you description was something I could identify with, "My god, was I wrong! I had a massive dopamine jolt!".  I think this reaction, the way you described it, is like how it must be for Heroin addicts who've been clean for a while.  They feel strong, normal, like it could never touch them again.  They've gone back to work, cleaned up, got a hair cut and a car and then...  Then one day, for no reason at all something, maybe a smell conjours up an old memory of the sensation, the euphoria.  And this time, instead of dealing with the thought while its still small and manageable, they ponder it.  Hmmm what if?  What if?  Now the thought takes root and begins to grow, like a weed, like Krazy Kudzu, little fingers creeping into every nook and cranny of our minds until we feel we must have a taste, a tiny peek and BOOM!!!  That Dopamine hits your brain like an atomic bomb, you can almost feel your hair blowing back!!  Woooo-Weeee!  Heart pounding, pulse racing, palms sweaty good grief its NEVER been this good!  Soon your pants are around your ankles and you struggle to operate the mouse, keyboard and joystick simultaneously.(Too much truth?) ;D

and then we come down.... and then we come on, down...  Oh no, I've thrown away all that time and for what? 

Why do I keep doing this to myself? 
Why can't I just leave this shit alone? 
Why can't somebody just take this stuff away from me?

And so we begin again, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. 

We've learned a lesson, there is no going back, no peeks worth risking all the hard work for, it must be a future of ZERO PORN.

 

[Branch]

Yours was more of a slip than a fall, but as I've found out the hard way, too, everything counts in this challenge.

Nonetheless, you're making progress.  Hang in there, man.

 

[malando]

Yours was more of a slip than a fall, but as I've found out the hard way, too, everything counts in this challenge.

Nonetheless, you're making progress.  Hang in there, man.

Thanks, Branch. Yes, it's up to me to make it just a slip and not a complete fall. I was making great strides before that, I can do it again if I hold my resolve. That's what I'm vowing to do. No messing about!

 

[malando]

Had a very tough night. I think I was getting ahead of myself thinking about how well I'm doing with getting off P. I was convinced that I was now unreactive to P - having rationalised how bad the industry is, how it breaks lives and how unnatural it is. So I decided I would test myself by just taking a quick peek at a bit of P.  and a physical reaction to match. I only saw it for about 3 seconds before shutting it off. It was honestly quite frightening how strong the reaction was. In staying away from P for a month, I have regained my sensitivity to normal sex with my partner, but I have also regained my sensitivity to P. I consider P to be just as dangerous today as I did a month ago. And the image I saw made such an impact, it's burned into my mind now, I've been having flashbacks since I saw it. I have to work hard to push it away. I can see that I need to be very strict with P images and just stay away from them completely. I didn't reset my counter because it was so brief, more of a wakeup call - and I didn't MO.

This journey has only just begun. I post this mainly as a warning to everybody: don't get complacent! The beast still lurks and we must always be wary of it. Don't be tempted to take a peek at P. I already regret it. It's put me off balance today. I feel nervy and hyper sexual. It's taken me out of my rhythm, temporarily I hope.

Take care, gents.
M.

I'm laughing and sorry too.  I've been there, done that and at times wanted to stick my head through the wall afterwards.  I'm not laughing at you, but you description was something I could identify with, "My god, was I wrong! I had a massive dopamine jolt!".  I think this reaction, the way you described it, is like how it must be for Heroin addicts who've been clean for a while.  They feel strong, normal, like it could never touch them again.  They've gone back to work, cleaned up, got a hair cut and a car and then...  Then one day, for no reason at all something, maybe a smell conjours up an old memory of the sensation, the euphoria.  And this time, instead of dealing with the thought while its still small and manageable, they ponder it.  Hmmm what if?  What if?  Now the thought takes root and begins to grow, like a weed, like Krazy Kudzu, little fingers creeping into every nook and cranny of our minds until we feel we must have a taste, a tiny peek and BOOM!!!  That Dopamine hits your brain like an atomic bomb, you can almost feel your hair blowing back!!  Woooo-Weeee!  Heart pounding, pulse racing, palms sweaty good grief its NEVER been this good!  Soon your pants are around your ankles and you struggle to operate the mouse, keyboard and joystick simultaneously.(Too much truth?) ;D

It's almost like a temporary psychosis, it's that dramatic. In that moment, my mind still knew I was making a mistake and that I could stop at any time, that I would regret this afterwards and that I'd have to reset my counters and come back to the forum sheepishly and admit my failure. But did that stop me? No - I had opened the flood gates and the sensory input coupled with the physical sensation was too powerful. I was indeed like a heroin addict who was willing to trade away his life for that one last fix. It's crazy that I didn't exercise control in that moment. I think I even used my no P counter against myself. Once I'd intentionally watched P, my counter had to be reset anyway. So too, my MO counter. It then seemed like I may as well PMO because the counters had to be zeroed anyway. I know this is completely perverse thinking, and not how my counter should be (ab)used. An addict's rationalisation...

We've learned a lesson, there is no going back, no peeks worth risking all the hard work for, it must be a future of ZERO PORN.

Truer words never spoken.

Thanks, brother. I'll do better this time.

M

 

[malando]

Sorry to hear that - when a lapse or a slip happens I think the main things to remember are to not let it turn into a full relapse. In the past my twisted thinking has been "oh well, I stepped in the shit now I might as well roll around in it now to get my fix". This rolling around has sometimes lasted months or longer and, I know now, serves absolutely no purpose other than to wallow in the addition longer. The second point to remember is to learn from a slip so that you (and everyone else here) can learn how the faulty thinking works. What lead up to it? How were you feeling and thinking, etc. As others have been saying, we really need to be on guard for the way your brain can be fooled. Keep your resolve up and keep going in the right direction. Watch the Wilson video again. Re-read William's post.

Yes, I know I'm at a fork in the road. Either I redouble my efforts and build on what I've achieved in the past month, or I allow myself to wallow in my lapse for a while just for a few cheap thrills, only to end up in the same place in another month.

The choice is clear - don't compound this mistake with more mistakes!

I resolve to get back on the horse and ride it to the promise land!

I'm still coming down from the jolt. I'll post my thoughts on what lead up to this lapse when I've processed it a bit more.

Thanks, TP.

M.

 

[BlueSun]

Trust me... I'm a professional relapsed.  The more one more times you give yourself, the worse the withdrawals.  Take a cleansing cool shower and call it a reset.

 

[fyg]

When I saw you'd changed your wording to "NO MO the rest of June Challenge" that spoke volumes! You're obviously committed to this thing, brother!!

I found adding the markers to the counter helped me with the lapse/event/thing; whatever we wanna call it... I think it shows progress, rather than being a pure reset (which of course, it's not ) these streaks all add to our 'experiential resolve'. Shit, like that phrase. Hahaha