Malando - getting started.

[PF58]

I wish I had known about this problem 10 years ago before I got so hooked. I could have written a trilogy of books in the time I've wasted on porn.

Totally with you here. I have felt a lot of remorse about all of the time wasted, imagining all that I could have done and accomplished instead of jerking off to porn. Now I use this fact as a motivating factor to continue with my abstinence since I still have lots of opportunities ahead of me to realize my dreams, god willing!

It was very helpful for me to read on YBOP (http://yourbrainonporn.com/node/1177) the affect that porn addiction has on motivation. It explained a lot!

Although symptoms such as erectile dysfunction, social anxiety, lack of motivation, concentration problems and depression are quite different, they share a common finding in the scientific literature. All have been associated with altered dopamine signaling in the brain's reward circuitry. Dopamine is the "go get it" neurochemical essential for libido, risk-taking, motivation, focus, and anticipation and cheerfulness.

In other words, a decline in dopamine signaling is associated with all of these:

Diminished libido, which is a possible cause of sluggish erections,
Decreased risk-taking and increased anxiety, combined with a tendency toward angry overreaction, any of which can decrease willingness to socialize,
Inability to focus,  which can account for concentration and memory problems, and
Lack of motivation and healthy anticipation, which can lead to apathy, procrastination, and even play a role in depression.


For years, I used to wonder what the hell was wrong with me. Why wasn't I more motivated. Where was my drive and ambition? Why couldn't I stop using porn. The answer was, as I discovered on YBOP, that I'd changed my brain through all of that porn use. Thank God for neuroplasticity. The good news is that if I refrain for long enough and start putting my attention elsewhere I can heal my brain and get my MOJO back as many reformed porn addicts have discovered! 

 

[Leon]

Malando, I want to add my voice to the chorus of encouragement here:

I'm sorry about your lapse, but know that your 27 days or so, are not lost. You're counter may say o, but your days in abstaining are not at all lost.

Seems you know what it takes to continue on, and what it takes to lapse. I know that you will not let yourself down, even if you are down, that you will not berate yourself, but get back up and keep on to victory.

Just you getting up speaks volumes as to your resolve.

 

[malando]

I wish I had known about this problem 10 years ago before I got so hooked. I could have written a trilogy of books in the time I've wasted on porn.

Totally with you here. I have felt a lot of remorse about all of the time wasted, imagining all that I could have done and accomplished instead of jerking off to porn. Now I use this fact as a motivating factor to continue with my abstinence since I still have lots of opportunities ahead of me to realize my dreams, god willing!

It was very helpful for me to read on YBOP (http://yourbrainonporn.com/node/1177) the affect that porn addiction has on motivation. It explained a lot!

Although symptoms such as erectile dysfunction, social anxiety, lack of motivation, concentration problems and depression are quite different, they share a common finding in the scientific literature. All have been associated with altered dopamine signaling in the brain's reward circuitry. Dopamine is the "go get it" neurochemical essential for libido, risk-taking, motivation, focus, and anticipation and cheerfulness.

In other words, a decline in dopamine signaling is associated with all of these:

Diminished libido, which is a possible cause of sluggish erections,
Decreased risk-taking and increased anxiety, combined with a tendency toward angry overreaction, any of which can decrease willingness to socialize,
Inability to focus,  which can account for concentration and memory problems, and
Lack of motivation and healthy anticipation, which can lead to apathy, procrastination, and even play a role in depression.


For years, I used to wonder what the hell was wrong with me. Why wasn't I more motivated. Where was my drive and ambition? Why couldn't I stop using porn. The answer was, as I discovered on YBOP, that I'd changed my brain through all of that porn use. Thank God for neuroplasticity. The good news is that if I refrain for long enough and start putting my attention elsewhere I can heal my brain and get my MOJO back as many reformed porn addicts have discovered! 

Hey PF56 - you know, that was such a valuable post. I never connected PMO with my mood issues, procrastination and lack of drive before. I really think you have hit on something. I have wondered why my drive is lacking compared to most people I know. I think this is a big part of it.

Thank-you so much! You just gave me another big reason to kick this thing for good.

M

 

[malando]

When I saw you'd changed your wording to "NO MO the rest of June Challenge" that spoke volumes! You're obviously committed to this thing, brother!!

I found adding the markers to the counter helped me with the lapse/event/thing; whatever we wanna call it... I think it shows progress, rather than being a pure reset (which of course, it's not ) these streaks all add to our 'experiential resolve'. Shit, like that phrase. Hahaha

Nice sentence, fyg! And yes, I need some experiential resolve right about now. I'll think about my counter attributes - although having an all or nothing counter might be the best thing for me - if I mess up, I don't get to feel proud of anything on my counter. It's an interesting question actually - how hard to we mark ourselves?

Cheers,
M

 

[malando]

Malando, I want to add my voice to the chorus of encouragement here:

I'm sorry about your lapse, but know that your 27 days or so, are not lost. You're counter may say o, but your days in abstaining are not at all lost.

Seems you know what it takes to continue on, and what it takes to lapse. I know that you will not let yourself down, even if you are down, that you will not berate yourself, but get back up and keep on to victory.

Just you getting up speaks volumes as to your resolve.

Thank-you, Leon. Yes, that's something this place has taught me: if you berate yourself for too long, you lose hope and you relapse again. It seems everybody who has a long streak behind them has had a couple of lapses too. So, given that I'm only a month in and I've already managed a streak of 27 days, I'm off to a promising start. My resolve is strong. I don't like the way I feel today, in the body. It's informing my mind of the cost of last night and why I need to be stronger. I'm also aware that it has cost me the chance to make love to my partner. If she were to come to me tonight in the mood for a bit of loving, I would struggle to accomplish it - both physically and guilt-wise for wasting my energies last night. I want to have all my energies ready for my lady any time. How pathetic is it that I used to plan my PMO sessions based on when I thought I might have sex with my partner? What a pitiful life the P-addict lives!

I mustn't dwell on what happened last night, I must deepen my resolve.

Cheers,
M.

 

[TK-421]

The good news is that you are on here posting today. Guys with a weaker resolve would have disappeared, maybe making a reappearance months from now. Take that as a good sign that you are motivated to be successful. Just don't let yourself think that it's ok to keep having "slips". I tried a different program years ago and I was just in a place that I thought I could slip and slip and just intellectualize my problems. If I was really honest with myself I hadn't really quit anything.

 

[positive_beginning]

Malanda, I'm sorry to hear about your relapse. But happy to see you back and motivated. Imagine the future you will have without P. See that future. Feel it. How it would like to be free from this crap. How your life would change for the better. See the future of your's. And commit to this beautiful journey.

 

[gummianka]

The first times I relapsed I simply felt like shit and thought I was worthless. That feeling led to more relapses.

The last time I really took the time to look into what happened in a very cool way, and that gave me a lot of insight in how I work and the various steps that led up to the PMO.

 

[Leon]

Thank-you, Leon. Yes, that's something this place has taught me: if you berate yourself for too long, you lose hope and you relapse again. It seems everybody who has a long streak behind them has had a couple of lapses too. So, given that I'm only a month in and I've already managed a streak of 27 days, I'm off to a promising start.

How we deal with lapses is highly important, and is the difference between going on to greater heights, or wallowing in self-pity, and regressing back into the muck and the mire.

There's something worth googling, and that is the Abstinence Violation Effect (AVE), which is mostly spoken of in the context of alcoholism, but certainly applies toward any addiction. The faster we bounce back after a lapse, the least effect it has on us. A lapse in itself doesn't really mean anything, except for the meaning we assign to it. This thing is a process, and lapses are almost expected (not excused), as our brain is habituated to acting on urges. So, it takes practice to say, 'No' to urges.

Yes, given that this is your first month, that's a very good start.

 

[Chip]

The good news is that you are on here posting today. Guys with a weaker resolve would have disappeared, maybe making a reappearance months from now. Take that as a good sign that you are motivated to be successful. Just don't let yourself think that it's ok to keep having "slips". I tried a different program years ago and I was just in a place that I thought I could slip and slip and just intellectualize my problems. If I was really honest with myself I hadn't really quit anything.

^^^What He said^^^

 

[Georgos]

Malando, I want to thank you for posting on my journal and I noticed that you'd relapsed so I wanted to share with you some of my experience. I was a chronic relapser for most of my life. The thing you said about thinking you've reset your counter so you might as well go the full throws is very common. The brain thinks, "I'm a failure anyway, so let's just make that certain", "let's prove I'm an addict", "I'll still be able to live with myself, I've lived with myself so far", etc. before long you're a chronic relapser and you have a neurosis about counting days. This all stems from the life lessons about control, controlling yourself, and controlling others. To my mind this is what addiction is really all about. Of course there are chemical components that operate in feedback loops, but this is just one of the things the addict uses to learn about the reality of control. The reality is that we cannot control everything, but some mystics say that everything is a choice. Just as the hypnotists always say that someone can't be hypnotised unless they want to be, you cannot control yourself unless you want to, and nobody wants to feel a slave to themselves twenty-four seven, so you rebel. The trick is to not see it as an issue of control, but an active choice that you make to leave certain old behaviours in the past. The best times I've had without porn have not been when I'm trying to control it, but when I've simply forgotten all about it, having made the choice that I'm going to go without. At the moment I've got to 30 days and I'm asking myself the same question of control, can I continue to control myself? This is dangerous because the easiest way to answer the question is to prove myself wrong and choose to relapse. In fact that is control as well in a way. In other words we cannot control our choices, we are our choices. Be the person free of porn, you will be a better person for it. I know you can do it. Thank you.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

Success is not measured by how high you climb. But, by how far you bounce after you fall...

 

[malando]

The good news is that you are on here posting today. Guys with a weaker resolve would have disappeared, maybe making a reappearance months from now. Take that as a good sign that you are motivated to be successful. Just don't let yourself think that it's ok to keep having "slips". I tried a different program years ago and I was just in a place that I thought I could slip and slip and just intellectualize my problems. If I was really honest with myself I hadn't really quit anything.

Yeah, you are right, after a fall it feels very tempting to make it an open slather fall. I won't disappear from here. This place keeps me grounded in this battle and the support is amazing. I feel shaky and vulnerable still, but I'm going to power past it and get back to where I was before this happened. Still can't believe I tempted fate like that. I was feeling great until that lapse.

Cheers,
M.

 

[malando]

Ok, bulk reply here:

Success is not measured by how high you climb. But, by how far you bounce after you fall...

That's an interesting analogy, Erasmus. I'm just trying to figure out if bouncing is a good thing or a bad thing! I mean, if I can bounce back up to where I was, that'd be great. If I bounce down the lonely highway of P, that's not so great! Anyway, I get what you mean and appreciate the sentiment.

How we deal with lapses is highly important, and is the difference between going on to greater heights, or wallowing in self-pity, and regressing back into the muck and the mire.

There's something worth googling, and that is the Abstinence Violation Effect (AVE), which is mostly spoken of in the context of alcoholism, but certainly applies toward any addiction. The faster we bounce back after a lapse, the least effect it has on us. A lapse in itself doesn't really mean anything, except for the meaning we assign to it. This thing is a process, and lapses are almost expected (not excused), as our brain is habituated to acting on urges. So, it takes practice to say, 'No' to urges.

Yes, given that this is your first month, that's a very good start.

Yes, Leon, it really is a battle of disciplining the mind to accept what happened and not make it into something bigger than it is. I still feel vulnerable after what happened. I'm conscious that I've got to be very mindful of what I'm doing while my strength returns. I think I am familiar with the AVE when dealing with sugar cravings. Many times in the past I've made a resolution to quit sugar and then fallen off the wagon and gone open slather for a whole month before realising I feel awful on the stuff. I'm working on that addiction alongside my P-addiction. I believe they originate from the same place deep inside me.

Malanda, I'm sorry to hear about your relapse. But happy to see you back and motivated. Imagine the future you will have without P. See that future. Feel it. How it would like to be free from this crap. How your life would change for the better. See the future of your's. And commit to this beautiful journey.

Hi PB, yes I got a glimpse of that future in the 27 days before my relapse. It was really great. It was like being let out of a prison into the open air. I'll keep fighting for that future. Thanks!

The first times I relapsed I simply felt like shit and thought I was worthless. That feeling led to more relapses.

The last time I really took the time to look into what happened in a very cool way, and that gave me a lot of insight in how I work and the various steps that led up to the PMO.

Yes G, I agree, we need to be rational scientists when determining what makes us do what we do and figuring out how to plot a better course for ourselves. Being hard on ourselves leads to no new insights at all, it's just a repeat of the immature behaviour that lead to us being P-addicts in the first place. We need to be unscrupulously rational and honest to rewire our brains back to reality.

Cheers guys!
M

 

[malando]

Malando, I want to thank you for posting on my journal and I noticed that you'd relapsed so I wanted to share with you some of my experience. I was a chronic relapser for most of my life. The thing you said about thinking you've reset your counter so you might as well go the full throws is very common. The brain thinks, "I'm a failure anyway, so let's just make that certain", "let's prove I'm an addict", "I'll still be able to live with myself, I've lived with myself so far", etc. before long you're a chronic relapser and you have a neurosis about counting days. This all stems from the life lessons about control, controlling yourself, and controlling others. To my mind this is what addiction is really all about. Of course there are chemical components that operate in feedback loops, but this is just one of the things the addict uses to learn about the reality of control. The reality is that we cannot control everything, but some mystics say that everything is a choice. Just as the hypnotists always say that someone can't be hypnotised unless they want to be, you cannot control yourself unless you want to, and nobody wants to feel a slave to themselves twenty-four seven, so you rebel. The trick is to not see it as an issue of control, but an active choice that you make to leave certain old behaviours in the past. The best times I've had without porn have not been when I'm trying to control it, but when I've simply forgotten all about it, having made the choice that I'm going to go without. At the moment I've got to 30 days and I'm asking myself the same question of control, can I continue to control myself? This is dangerous because the easiest way to answer the question is to prove myself wrong and choose to relapse. In fact that is control as well in a way. In other words we cannot control our choices, we are our choices. Be the person free of porn, you will be a better person for it. I know you can do it. Thank you.

Thanks for your thoughts, Georgos. I think you are right on the money there. I need to find the self-control to stay mindful of the outcome I want, and not fall into the wild temptations I have in the past. It's not acceptable to just throw your hands into the air and say, "of course I do this, I'm a screw up!". It's a cop out for not changing, not growing up. It's childish and immature. I've done this enough in my life. It's time to move onto the next phase - mastery, maturity and accountability. It's a choice - regardless of how much our brain chemicals are shunting our moods around.

 

[RecoveryJunkie]

Hey M,

Thanks for piping in on my post earlier. Going through some weird shit in my head lately trying to deal with the real thing is tough. Like emotions, good ones and even bad ones. I used to drown them all out with PMO. I'm struggling a bit but I think in the end it will be worth it all.

I'm glad you are still posting on RN I read that you reset your counter. You are an honest and strong man with integrity to do it. I hope you get back on the horse and get free. It's a tough road sometimes but sometimes it's pretty fucking awesome! Gotta take the bad stuff and turn it to good. You sir are dong just that! Keep in touch...

 

[malando]

Hi my friends,

I haven't posted much lately. I've been in a serious amount of turmoil since my relapse. I was 27 days clean and doing great, and then I tempted fate for no good reason at all. It was a combination of overconfidence and an idle mind. The result is that I have not been doing well at all since then. My mind has been wrestling with thoughts of what I did, thoughts of what I watched, another relapse, and feeling out of control in general. I must quit P. It's making my life hell. It takes away my motivation and initiative. It makes me feel distant and numb. It's no good.

This week I am going on a trip to China. I won't have any chance to view P, and I'll be very busy. My hope is that this will act as a circuit breaker for my frenzied mind. When I return in July, I will start afresh with a new counter. I don't want to continue my counter before then because I feel any days I wrack up then will be due to being unable to view P rather than any act of self-control on my behalf. So I will start from day 0 when I return.

I may not post much between now and Friday just because I have a lot of do before I fly out. I wanted to say a big thank-you to all the people who have supported me here and in private messages. I hope I have conveyed to you how much I appreciate your efforts and compassion.

I wish you all the very best with your recoveries while I'm away. I'll talk to you all when I return in July. I'll still check in during this week and reply to any messages and posts you make here.

Take care guys. Stay strong.
M

 

[gummianka]

Have a nice trip! 

 

[Branch]

A trip to China--how cool is that?  Have a great time!

 

[Gabriel1960]

Have fun in China!