I'm 51 years old, and have spent nine years like a zombie - not knowing why I was so depressed, not knowing why I felt so distant from my beautiful, loving wife and brilliant daughter. I assumed it was financial stress, getting old, a bad relationship with my parents, or a growing realization that I was no-where near as brilliant, interesting, or admired as I thought. Those things might have been true, but that wasn't what drove me away from what I had - the love, care, and respect of my life. It has dawned on me that the porn ate away at my personality, my brain, and any sense of joy - it was slowly killing me.
43 days ago, I admitted to my wife that I thought I had a problem with looking at porn and compulsive masterbation. I had masterbated since adolescence, when I memorized the images in my brother's porn magazines. I used masterbation to distract from worries, to feel good, to escape, to experience sex in my mind. Even after marrying a beautiful, captivating dynamic woman, I continued to masterbate here an there - in the shower, when alone on a business trip, sometimes without even realizing I did it. I saw a few pornographic images here and there - but never bought anything, never wanted to admit that I was a user.
Then came free Internet porn - specifically porn site previews - 30 to 60 second snippets of pornography that year by year became more and more compelling, more stimulating. I remember nine years ago viewing a preview that was so disturbing and so exciting that I felt I should stop. But weeks later, I returned, trying to find that same stimulating experience again. I didn't find that video, but found countless others instead. It became a regular part of my life - 2 or 3 times a week, I would wander around porn sites looking at previews.
ED became a problem quickly thereeafter - and performance anxiety with my wife caused me to avoid making love to her - and almost never to initiate making love to her unless it was completely clear that she was feeling neglected or abandoned by me. I assumed the ED was because of poor health, stress, lack of sleep, too much alcohol or coffee - anything but that the porn was rewiring my brain. I came across an advice column years ago that suggested that too much masterbation can interfere with sexual performance - so I tried to back off on masterbating. That always seemed to help, but I didn't stick with it. Instead, I thought that going back to a few views of porn might get me aroused enough to be a good lover, at least for one day.
It didn't work of course. Two years ago, disgusted by what the porn industry actually is, and how women are treated - not to mention disgusted that I was looking at it - I decided to stop looking. Stupidly, I allowed my self to keep masterbating (and fantasizing with remembered porn images) so even though I stopped viewing porn, I was still using it in my head. Without fresh stimulation, I lost even more ability to maintain an erection even during masterbation and had less interest in sex. I killed my own desire.
I relapsed a few times over the two years - was disgusted, then went back to just masterbating with fantasy. I wasn't solving any problem - just controlling it, somewhat.
Excuses - I had plenty of them. I wasn't actually watching porn, I was just looking at the free previews and a few images. I wasn't betraying my wife, I was just getting rid of tension. I wasn't ignoring all the daily concerns of life or how I needed to do more for my family or work - I was just taking a quick break.
And it changed me. I became constantly irritated, constantly depressed, distant, and manipulative. I wanted everyone to think I was this great nice guy. If that was every challenged, I became angry, and even threw temper tantrums. I was out of control - stressed out - depressed - mean. I became a jerk.
And then, after I admitted to my wife that I had a problem, everything changed. I felt like my entire ego collapsed - I realized that I was the problem. In just a few minutes of searching, she found this site and diagnosed my problem. After a little reading, I completely agreed with her.
I started a hard reboot - no fantasy, no porn, no masterbating - for ever. I hope and pray that at the end of 100 days - I will be able to once again have a loving relationship with my wife and daughter - who are constantly at the center of my thoughts, dreams, and hopes for the future - but there is no guarantee. There is no option for failure. I must undo the damage done to my brain, my psyche, and ultimately to my family to the absolute best of my ability.
Have jumped into therapy and couples therapy - and am attending SA meetings - but am frustrated by the lack of people that are dealing specifically with this problem, versus issues around prostitution, affairs, and other "real" world problems vs. the specific difficulties of escaping into virtual fantasy worlds.
43 days in - and I NEVER want to go back. Disgusted by who I was and what I did - eager to become who I always should have been. Ready for all the discomfort, all the pain, and all the joy of living an authentic life.
43 days ago, I admitted to my wife that I thought I had a problem with looking at porn and compulsive masterbation. I had masterbated since adolescence, when I memorized the images in my brother's porn magazines. I used masterbation to distract from worries, to feel good, to escape, to experience sex in my mind. Even after marrying a beautiful, captivating dynamic woman, I continued to masterbate here an there - in the shower, when alone on a business trip, sometimes without even realizing I did it. I saw a few pornographic images here and there - but never bought anything, never wanted to admit that I was a user.
Then came free Internet porn - specifically porn site previews - 30 to 60 second snippets of pornography that year by year became more and more compelling, more stimulating. I remember nine years ago viewing a preview that was so disturbing and so exciting that I felt I should stop. But weeks later, I returned, trying to find that same stimulating experience again. I didn't find that video, but found countless others instead. It became a regular part of my life - 2 or 3 times a week, I would wander around porn sites looking at previews.
ED became a problem quickly thereeafter - and performance anxiety with my wife caused me to avoid making love to her - and almost never to initiate making love to her unless it was completely clear that she was feeling neglected or abandoned by me. I assumed the ED was because of poor health, stress, lack of sleep, too much alcohol or coffee - anything but that the porn was rewiring my brain. I came across an advice column years ago that suggested that too much masterbation can interfere with sexual performance - so I tried to back off on masterbating. That always seemed to help, but I didn't stick with it. Instead, I thought that going back to a few views of porn might get me aroused enough to be a good lover, at least for one day.
It didn't work of course. Two years ago, disgusted by what the porn industry actually is, and how women are treated - not to mention disgusted that I was looking at it - I decided to stop looking. Stupidly, I allowed my self to keep masterbating (and fantasizing with remembered porn images) so even though I stopped viewing porn, I was still using it in my head. Without fresh stimulation, I lost even more ability to maintain an erection even during masterbation and had less interest in sex. I killed my own desire.
I relapsed a few times over the two years - was disgusted, then went back to just masterbating with fantasy. I wasn't solving any problem - just controlling it, somewhat.
Excuses - I had plenty of them. I wasn't actually watching porn, I was just looking at the free previews and a few images. I wasn't betraying my wife, I was just getting rid of tension. I wasn't ignoring all the daily concerns of life or how I needed to do more for my family or work - I was just taking a quick break.
And it changed me. I became constantly irritated, constantly depressed, distant, and manipulative. I wanted everyone to think I was this great nice guy. If that was every challenged, I became angry, and even threw temper tantrums. I was out of control - stressed out - depressed - mean. I became a jerk.
And then, after I admitted to my wife that I had a problem, everything changed. I felt like my entire ego collapsed - I realized that I was the problem. In just a few minutes of searching, she found this site and diagnosed my problem. After a little reading, I completely agreed with her.
I started a hard reboot - no fantasy, no porn, no masterbating - for ever. I hope and pray that at the end of 100 days - I will be able to once again have a loving relationship with my wife and daughter - who are constantly at the center of my thoughts, dreams, and hopes for the future - but there is no guarantee. There is no option for failure. I must undo the damage done to my brain, my psyche, and ultimately to my family to the absolute best of my ability.
Have jumped into therapy and couples therapy - and am attending SA meetings - but am frustrated by the lack of people that are dealing specifically with this problem, versus issues around prostitution, affairs, and other "real" world problems vs. the specific difficulties of escaping into virtual fantasy worlds.
43 days in - and I NEVER want to go back. Disgusted by who I was and what I did - eager to become who I always should have been. Ready for all the discomfort, all the pain, and all the joy of living an authentic life.