PF58
Active Member
Recently I've been going through my old journals and decided that I would focus on my recovery journals. I was struck by one entry in particular in which I gave expression to the different voices in my head. I gave them free rein to express themselves as freely and as authentically as possible. Although all of these voices are a part of me, they have distinct personalities, attitudes and objectives. I thought it would be interesting to share them here since I think this is a useful exercise. If you decide to keep reading, keep in mind that The Addict voice may trigger you if you have similar predilections (as it did for me when I re-read it). If you can get through it, hopefully you'll be inspired by My Higher Self voice!
The Addict
I LOVE porn. Especially teen girls! It makes me feel good when I masturbate to pictures or videos of them masturbating. As I talk about it I notice that I want to go there now. It is a guilty pleasure. I know that it's not socially acceptable and that David frowns upon it—sometimes—but with a little encouragement he's on board! I can tell that talking about it has gotten him aroused. In fact, he's poised to hop out of bed and visit the girls now. What is the problem? There is no problem. Only David's story about it makes it a problem. When David is on board and we are both one we take a blissful journey together into oblivion. It is a timeless place where wishes are fulfilled and frustrations disappear. Aaaah, the search for the perfect teen body—what sweet madness! Of course, the real thing seems even sweeter but that is off-limits. David is too old. And why bother anyway. That's too much trouble!
The Judge & Critic
What a fucking waste of time! your life is slipping away while you masturbate in front of the computer!! You're pathetic! Why can't you get your shit together? It is time to grow up David! Porn is beneath you. You're better than that. Just stop. Use your will power and discipline. Stop making excuses. You're not getting any younger. Perhaps if you had a job you wouldn't have so much time to jack off. You're living a pitiful, selfish, self-involved life. You're in La La Land. You're out of touch. All your meditation and spiritual pursuits haven't kept you from your porn addiction. You need to go deeper. You need a transformation in consciousness. You need to get off your ass and get a life! Clean up all the messes you've created. Throw out all the excess crap you've got. Pay your fucking bills! You can't avoid your anxieties and fear forever. Face them!
My Higher Self
No problem except for your story. Stop. Pay attention. Go deeply into the moment. You're freedom will come with understanding not through self-control. You need to see through all the limiting beliefs you have of yourself. Your life is perfect here and now. Whenever you forget this, you perpetuate your addiction. Be kind to yourself. Have compassion for the one who suffers. It is not you! Do you see how easily your mind shifts from suffering to serenity? The difference is just a thought. Without the judgements, where is the suffering? Love yourself without reservation. Accept yourself completely. Let go of any idea that says your life should look a certain way. You KNOW the Way. Follow it! Don't be misled by the illusion of lack and limitation. Have fun with your life. Don't take it personally. It's not! You are beyond anything you can conceive of and anything you perceive. Relax and rest in your natural state. Stop identifying with the ephemeral and impermanent. Remember that all blessings, all grace, and all love, joy and happiness flow from within. Dive deep and let go of your suffering!
There are other voices which arise as well but I think that these are the main ones. It's interesting to see how I can embody each of these voices. The first two are more habitual and automatic but with enough practice I could make the voice of my higher self the predominant one. To that end I have made a commitment to do 2 things: (1) To make Recovery my #1 priority and (2) To do something every day for my recovery. As I approach a month of sobriety I'm aware that I need to be ever mindful and vigilant, remembering my commitment and bolstering my motivation in whatever way that I can. I'm excited about the prospect of long-term recovery. I'm not there yet but I feel I'm on my way!
The Addict
I LOVE porn. Especially teen girls! It makes me feel good when I masturbate to pictures or videos of them masturbating. As I talk about it I notice that I want to go there now. It is a guilty pleasure. I know that it's not socially acceptable and that David frowns upon it—sometimes—but with a little encouragement he's on board! I can tell that talking about it has gotten him aroused. In fact, he's poised to hop out of bed and visit the girls now. What is the problem? There is no problem. Only David's story about it makes it a problem. When David is on board and we are both one we take a blissful journey together into oblivion. It is a timeless place where wishes are fulfilled and frustrations disappear. Aaaah, the search for the perfect teen body—what sweet madness! Of course, the real thing seems even sweeter but that is off-limits. David is too old. And why bother anyway. That's too much trouble!
The Judge & Critic
What a fucking waste of time! your life is slipping away while you masturbate in front of the computer!! You're pathetic! Why can't you get your shit together? It is time to grow up David! Porn is beneath you. You're better than that. Just stop. Use your will power and discipline. Stop making excuses. You're not getting any younger. Perhaps if you had a job you wouldn't have so much time to jack off. You're living a pitiful, selfish, self-involved life. You're in La La Land. You're out of touch. All your meditation and spiritual pursuits haven't kept you from your porn addiction. You need to go deeper. You need a transformation in consciousness. You need to get off your ass and get a life! Clean up all the messes you've created. Throw out all the excess crap you've got. Pay your fucking bills! You can't avoid your anxieties and fear forever. Face them!
My Higher Self
No problem except for your story. Stop. Pay attention. Go deeply into the moment. You're freedom will come with understanding not through self-control. You need to see through all the limiting beliefs you have of yourself. Your life is perfect here and now. Whenever you forget this, you perpetuate your addiction. Be kind to yourself. Have compassion for the one who suffers. It is not you! Do you see how easily your mind shifts from suffering to serenity? The difference is just a thought. Without the judgements, where is the suffering? Love yourself without reservation. Accept yourself completely. Let go of any idea that says your life should look a certain way. You KNOW the Way. Follow it! Don't be misled by the illusion of lack and limitation. Have fun with your life. Don't take it personally. It's not! You are beyond anything you can conceive of and anything you perceive. Relax and rest in your natural state. Stop identifying with the ephemeral and impermanent. Remember that all blessings, all grace, and all love, joy and happiness flow from within. Dive deep and let go of your suffering!
There are other voices which arise as well but I think that these are the main ones. It's interesting to see how I can embody each of these voices. The first two are more habitual and automatic but with enough practice I could make the voice of my higher self the predominant one. To that end I have made a commitment to do 2 things: (1) To make Recovery my #1 priority and (2) To do something every day for my recovery. As I approach a month of sobriety I'm aware that I need to be ever mindful and vigilant, remembering my commitment and bolstering my motivation in whatever way that I can. I'm excited about the prospect of long-term recovery. I'm not there yet but I feel I'm on my way!
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