amagad it logged me out... that's really f*ckin frustrating. I lost my entire first post which was god knows how long... I'll see if I can rewrite what I had there, but the heartfelt feelings... fuck the heart felt feelings. It's something I need to do.
Hello and welcome to whomever is reading this journal. Whether you are brand new and aspiring to change this aspect of your life for the better, or are already on this journey yourself and are here to give back and help us new ones, or even just looking for some motivation, welcome. I hope through reading some of these posts of mine it will not only help me with my issues, but also help you all, inspire you all, motivate you all to keep on going. I'm sure that in here you will be reading a lot of crap that happens... like just now. You write your heart out for 3 hours, and the site logs you out and you lose everything. You have no idea how pissed off I was. I was yelling at the monitor with no avenues to release the amount of hate i felt for this site at the moment. I wanted to just say F*CK IT, and forget this damn thing haha... but after I started writing again and really thinking about the people who are reading this or who, in the future, will be reading this, I realized this is day one. Bad sh*t already happened lol so I can already tell I'm in for a bumpy ride, but if I lose my motivation because of something small like this, how will I ever get through the actual rough times. So I'll raise my water glass to that and say cheers to you all for all the F*cked up moments we are going to go through. The quote Gabe brought up rang through my mind by Winston Churchill "If you're going through hell, keep going." Because eventually you'll get out. As the saying goes there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just gotta keep walking to get there.
HAAAHHH... Ok now that that is out of my system...
Oh right... Introductions.
About me: I'd consider myself your a bit more than average shy guy. I'm 32, and have only had 1 girlfriend. I was a bit of a late bloomer only meeting her at the age of 20, and breaking up after 3 months due to some weird.. no.. not weird... very weir... no extremely odd events. If you want to know feel free to ask and I'd be happy to share with you, but that's another story for another time. Anyways since her I've been single... so that makes it close to 13 years without much contact with women in an intimate way. Which kind of lends itself to porn. Aside from the porn, I play video games regularly. Don't think I need to go into detail about my job as I feel it doesn't really matter. I have a bunch of friends that are in the same position as I am in regards to porn. We send videos or pics of new models we find and analyze what we like about them. We talk about the body parts we think are hot in that picture or what about that scene makes it good. I've sent them the links to the ted talk and YBOP website by Gary Wilson as well as the videos by Gabe Deem. I let them know that I will be starting this journey and asked them to understand that I will not be participating in their talks about such things. I know that I cannot control their thoughts or force them to do things and that I can only send them the information. If they seek to change in this way I can help guide them, but that's it. It's on them, just like its on me if I really want to change. It's not something everyone wants to do and that's okay. It is their life and those are their decisions. But I am making my decision to change this aspect of my life.
Hopefully that is enough background on me...
My goals huh... Well I am going through the reboot process so I figure it's semi obvious what I want out of it, but for clarity's sake I want to be able to pop a boner normally without the use of porn or mental fantasies. I want to regain sensitivity in my cock. I would like to be able to be intimate with a woman and not worry about getting hard without porn or having to imagine some sexual fantasy in order to pop a boner. Aside from that I want to regain all the energy that I feel like I've lost. There are so many things that I want to do but right now feel too lethargic to do or lack the motivation to do because I get more excitement watching a guy creampie a girl in a video. (Too much info? My bad I'll keep it PG after this post because I want to get it all out there and not have to worry about filtering my thoughts at least for the first post) There have been long term goals of mine that I have put on the backburner that I want to accomplish like learning multiple languages, playing the blues on the harmonica, getting a black belt in a martial art. I know those are hard for someone my age but I want to be able to accomplish them.
Sticking points is next eh...
I've come to realize that I'm the kind of person that needs to do something everyday otherwise I lose focus on it and the drive will eventually fade away... so at a bare minimum I need to post at least something small everyday. I realize that this will lead to something way too long that I doubt anyone would want to read but that's ok(I hope haha) as this is for me right?
So a post every day!
Some milestones I want to hit are at the end of each month / 30 days in the future from today.
First month
Within the first two weeks I would like to have been able to go 3 days without any porn / masturbation / images / erotic stories / erotic (hentai) games / etc etc... and put that energy into the tangible things that I have wanted to accomplish but never did. I feel like this is doable.
The second two weeks I want to try to go at least 7 days without any porn / masturbation / images / erotic stories etc etc. While there is a possibility that I or you might not succeed, I want to pat myself on the back and pat you on the back for however many days we managed to go without. Progress is just that, progress. I need to remind myself that I, and you need to remind yourself that any progress you make is something that millions of other men out there won't do or don't have the drive to do. So tell yourself good job _______. You made it ____ days! That's ____ days more than your average joe. Now keep on trucking and keep on working towards what you want.
The Second and Third week go up one week each month as a goal, so the Second month would be 2 weeks without and the Third month would be 3 weeks without. Just a goal to aim for. Whether or not I can achieve is still up in the air, and I will adjust my goals as needed but that's it.
So if you have read this far wow. I applaud you and thank you for taking the time to read. From here on it will be daily journals I write for myself and to you all.
Day 1:
I spent the majority of the day deleting all the saved archives and bookmarks and other random things I had on my computer and phone. I was surprised at how many times I thought to myself I should save this and send it to some of my friends who would enjoy them... but realized that was me rationalizing some way to keep porn on my computer./phone. After everything was scrubbed, I went through breaking old cd's i burned with videos and games and images I had collected since I was younger. Nostalgia came up and made me want to open them up and look, but I managed to get rid of 99% of it. I did end up watching an old video I had of a friend of mine who became a webcam model before she became one while she was practicing with me because I was her "gay" friend whom she felt comfortable enough to be naked around but didn't see me in that way... Sh*t... brought back memories of the things i wanted to do to her... broke that one too. Fed-ex'd some of the actual porn I had bought to friends saying I didn't want them anymore including pictures from adult-con we got and other random things. I could feel the urges rising in me while I was doing this but seeing as it is my first day and my motivation is high right now I didn't look at anything else and to get my mind out of the gutter, I played a crap load of the game Overwatch. I've been trying to and have slowly gotten a bit better, but still consider myself a novice / nub at the game. I've found games as a solace in that no matter what my mood is, I can strictly focus on playing the game and really have no other thoughts other than playing the game, so I spent the next 7 hours playing Overwatch.
After that gaming session, I ended up actively calling out a friend to go eat. We had dinner and then ended up somehow talking about the exact ted talk The Great Porn Experiment which reminded me that I still had not posted anything toda... yesterday. Drove home and played some more Overwatch to settle down and relax for a bit. Ended up losing and blaming my team-mates for the loss and rage quit. After a couple of minutes of reflection and realizing that I had burst out in anger at my team-mates instead of blaming myself I logged in, apologized to them and quickly logged out, embarrassed at my behavior for blaming them when it was my fault that we had lost. And then I ended up here... and 5 hours later here I am. At the start of Day 2 even though I haven't slept yet due to me losing my previous post haha... Saving a copy of this in notepad. Learned my lesson!
Anyways that's it for day 1... some reflections:
What I did well: I really went out and removed everything that I could think of / find. I felt pretty proud of myself when the urges came up to distract myself with video games... although that in the future might not be the most productive way to spend my time...
Things I can work on: I tend to make emotional connections to things, so nostaliga really hit me hard on today when getting rid of my old saved videos. There were many times where I tried to rationalize with myself that keeping a few of these were for memory's sake and not for porn, but after much arguing in my head... good lord that makes me sound crazy... but after all of that I ended up realizing that it was a form of porn and that I need to start this out right and really the only way I can commit to it, is if I get rid of it. Not entirely sure if I got it all as there might be some remnants around the house hiding but I have faith that if I do end up finding stragglers I will deal with it properly.
Things I'm grateful for: One thing I have done just about every day for the past year or so is being grateful that I woke up today. I know it sounds like an old man thing to say, but after seeing friends pass on in freak accidents, or family members in comas for months... I'm grateful that I have this opportunity to live life. I can change myself for the better. I am not stuck in a bed whittling away. I am alive and I'm glad to be here. This reminds me of a poem I wish I had used that I found after submitting my senior quote in my high school yearbook and I'll end my post with this(paraphrased as I don't remember the whole thing):
"I shall walk this way but once; therefore any good that I can do or any kindness I can show; let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
Also, if you are rebooting try to include some of these items in each journal entry:
Did I use porn today?
What were my triggers?
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
What am I grateful for today?
Day counter!
Step #4: Keep all the progress updates in your journal
Please don't flood the main forum with threads about what day you're on.
Keep all your progress (and questions specific to your progress) in the journal.
Yes, the thread will get long, but it's better that way.
Reading a journal from start to finish would be like reading a story of a person who used to be porn addict and then finally recovered. It will have all the details, all the ups and downs, and all the help and encouragement received from other forum members, which leads me to...
Step #5: Participate in other people's journals
This section is a lot more effective if we participate in each other's journals. It is highly encouraged to open other journals and post, ask questions, show support and give advice.
This will make us feel like a family with everyone helping everyone. Remember also, there are lurkers who do not make accounts who are being helped by our posts as well.
Thanks for reading, now let's Reboot and help others!
Hello and welcome to whomever is reading this journal. Whether you are brand new and aspiring to change this aspect of your life for the better, or are already on this journey yourself and are here to give back and help us new ones, or even just looking for some motivation, welcome. I hope through reading some of these posts of mine it will not only help me with my issues, but also help you all, inspire you all, motivate you all to keep on going. I'm sure that in here you will be reading a lot of crap that happens... like just now. You write your heart out for 3 hours, and the site logs you out and you lose everything. You have no idea how pissed off I was. I was yelling at the monitor with no avenues to release the amount of hate i felt for this site at the moment. I wanted to just say F*CK IT, and forget this damn thing haha... but after I started writing again and really thinking about the people who are reading this or who, in the future, will be reading this, I realized this is day one. Bad sh*t already happened lol so I can already tell I'm in for a bumpy ride, but if I lose my motivation because of something small like this, how will I ever get through the actual rough times. So I'll raise my water glass to that and say cheers to you all for all the F*cked up moments we are going to go through. The quote Gabe brought up rang through my mind by Winston Churchill "If you're going through hell, keep going." Because eventually you'll get out. As the saying goes there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just gotta keep walking to get there.
HAAAHHH... Ok now that that is out of my system...
Oh right... Introductions.
About me: I'd consider myself your a bit more than average shy guy. I'm 32, and have only had 1 girlfriend. I was a bit of a late bloomer only meeting her at the age of 20, and breaking up after 3 months due to some weird.. no.. not weird... very weir... no extremely odd events. If you want to know feel free to ask and I'd be happy to share with you, but that's another story for another time. Anyways since her I've been single... so that makes it close to 13 years without much contact with women in an intimate way. Which kind of lends itself to porn. Aside from the porn, I play video games regularly. Don't think I need to go into detail about my job as I feel it doesn't really matter. I have a bunch of friends that are in the same position as I am in regards to porn. We send videos or pics of new models we find and analyze what we like about them. We talk about the body parts we think are hot in that picture or what about that scene makes it good. I've sent them the links to the ted talk and YBOP website by Gary Wilson as well as the videos by Gabe Deem. I let them know that I will be starting this journey and asked them to understand that I will not be participating in their talks about such things. I know that I cannot control their thoughts or force them to do things and that I can only send them the information. If they seek to change in this way I can help guide them, but that's it. It's on them, just like its on me if I really want to change. It's not something everyone wants to do and that's okay. It is their life and those are their decisions. But I am making my decision to change this aspect of my life.
Hopefully that is enough background on me...
My goals huh... Well I am going through the reboot process so I figure it's semi obvious what I want out of it, but for clarity's sake I want to be able to pop a boner normally without the use of porn or mental fantasies. I want to regain sensitivity in my cock. I would like to be able to be intimate with a woman and not worry about getting hard without porn or having to imagine some sexual fantasy in order to pop a boner. Aside from that I want to regain all the energy that I feel like I've lost. There are so many things that I want to do but right now feel too lethargic to do or lack the motivation to do because I get more excitement watching a guy creampie a girl in a video. (Too much info? My bad I'll keep it PG after this post because I want to get it all out there and not have to worry about filtering my thoughts at least for the first post) There have been long term goals of mine that I have put on the backburner that I want to accomplish like learning multiple languages, playing the blues on the harmonica, getting a black belt in a martial art. I know those are hard for someone my age but I want to be able to accomplish them.
Sticking points is next eh...
I've come to realize that I'm the kind of person that needs to do something everyday otherwise I lose focus on it and the drive will eventually fade away... so at a bare minimum I need to post at least something small everyday. I realize that this will lead to something way too long that I doubt anyone would want to read but that's ok(I hope haha) as this is for me right?
So a post every day!
Some milestones I want to hit are at the end of each month / 30 days in the future from today.
First month
Within the first two weeks I would like to have been able to go 3 days without any porn / masturbation / images / erotic stories / erotic (hentai) games / etc etc... and put that energy into the tangible things that I have wanted to accomplish but never did. I feel like this is doable.
The second two weeks I want to try to go at least 7 days without any porn / masturbation / images / erotic stories etc etc. While there is a possibility that I or you might not succeed, I want to pat myself on the back and pat you on the back for however many days we managed to go without. Progress is just that, progress. I need to remind myself that I, and you need to remind yourself that any progress you make is something that millions of other men out there won't do or don't have the drive to do. So tell yourself good job _______. You made it ____ days! That's ____ days more than your average joe. Now keep on trucking and keep on working towards what you want.
The Second and Third week go up one week each month as a goal, so the Second month would be 2 weeks without and the Third month would be 3 weeks without. Just a goal to aim for. Whether or not I can achieve is still up in the air, and I will adjust my goals as needed but that's it.
So if you have read this far wow. I applaud you and thank you for taking the time to read. From here on it will be daily journals I write for myself and to you all.
Day 1:
I spent the majority of the day deleting all the saved archives and bookmarks and other random things I had on my computer and phone. I was surprised at how many times I thought to myself I should save this and send it to some of my friends who would enjoy them... but realized that was me rationalizing some way to keep porn on my computer./phone. After everything was scrubbed, I went through breaking old cd's i burned with videos and games and images I had collected since I was younger. Nostalgia came up and made me want to open them up and look, but I managed to get rid of 99% of it. I did end up watching an old video I had of a friend of mine who became a webcam model before she became one while she was practicing with me because I was her "gay" friend whom she felt comfortable enough to be naked around but didn't see me in that way... Sh*t... brought back memories of the things i wanted to do to her... broke that one too. Fed-ex'd some of the actual porn I had bought to friends saying I didn't want them anymore including pictures from adult-con we got and other random things. I could feel the urges rising in me while I was doing this but seeing as it is my first day and my motivation is high right now I didn't look at anything else and to get my mind out of the gutter, I played a crap load of the game Overwatch. I've been trying to and have slowly gotten a bit better, but still consider myself a novice / nub at the game. I've found games as a solace in that no matter what my mood is, I can strictly focus on playing the game and really have no other thoughts other than playing the game, so I spent the next 7 hours playing Overwatch.
After that gaming session, I ended up actively calling out a friend to go eat. We had dinner and then ended up somehow talking about the exact ted talk The Great Porn Experiment which reminded me that I still had not posted anything toda... yesterday. Drove home and played some more Overwatch to settle down and relax for a bit. Ended up losing and blaming my team-mates for the loss and rage quit. After a couple of minutes of reflection and realizing that I had burst out in anger at my team-mates instead of blaming myself I logged in, apologized to them and quickly logged out, embarrassed at my behavior for blaming them when it was my fault that we had lost. And then I ended up here... and 5 hours later here I am. At the start of Day 2 even though I haven't slept yet due to me losing my previous post haha... Saving a copy of this in notepad. Learned my lesson!
Anyways that's it for day 1... some reflections:
What I did well: I really went out and removed everything that I could think of / find. I felt pretty proud of myself when the urges came up to distract myself with video games... although that in the future might not be the most productive way to spend my time...
Things I can work on: I tend to make emotional connections to things, so nostaliga really hit me hard on today when getting rid of my old saved videos. There were many times where I tried to rationalize with myself that keeping a few of these were for memory's sake and not for porn, but after much arguing in my head... good lord that makes me sound crazy... but after all of that I ended up realizing that it was a form of porn and that I need to start this out right and really the only way I can commit to it, is if I get rid of it. Not entirely sure if I got it all as there might be some remnants around the house hiding but I have faith that if I do end up finding stragglers I will deal with it properly.
Things I'm grateful for: One thing I have done just about every day for the past year or so is being grateful that I woke up today. I know it sounds like an old man thing to say, but after seeing friends pass on in freak accidents, or family members in comas for months... I'm grateful that I have this opportunity to live life. I can change myself for the better. I am not stuck in a bed whittling away. I am alive and I'm glad to be here. This reminds me of a poem I wish I had used that I found after submitting my senior quote in my high school yearbook and I'll end my post with this(paraphrased as I don't remember the whole thing):
"I shall walk this way but once; therefore any good that I can do or any kindness I can show; let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
Also, if you are rebooting try to include some of these items in each journal entry:
Did I use porn today?
What were my triggers?
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
What am I grateful for today?
Day counter!
Step #4: Keep all the progress updates in your journal
Please don't flood the main forum with threads about what day you're on.
Keep all your progress (and questions specific to your progress) in the journal.
Yes, the thread will get long, but it's better that way.
Reading a journal from start to finish would be like reading a story of a person who used to be porn addict and then finally recovered. It will have all the details, all the ups and downs, and all the help and encouragement received from other forum members, which leads me to...
Step #5: Participate in other people's journals
This section is a lot more effective if we participate in each other's journals. It is highly encouraged to open other journals and post, ask questions, show support and give advice.
This will make us feel like a family with everyone helping everyone. Remember also, there are lurkers who do not make accounts who are being helped by our posts as well.
Thanks for reading, now let's Reboot and help others!