Road to freedom

[cookiemonster]

I'm having extremely strong urges to MO right now.

The thing is, I have no idea whether I should abstain or not at this point. It's not porn. I also have no other way of getting sexual release because I don't have a partner.

I'm going to go have breakfast and think about it.

 

[cookiemonster]

I've finished breakfast.

I'm going to have a relaxing shower and explore sensations during it.

I've looked at a few articles on mindful masturbation on yourbrainonporn.com. I'm going to try that out.

This is going to be a new experience for me because I can't remember the last time I masturbated without fantizising or porn.

I'm going to give mindful MO a go and see what the impact is on me afterwards. I've heard of things from the chaser effect to the flatline coming afterwards but I don't know what to expect personally.

Time for a shower.

 

[cookiemonster]

Alright the deed is done!

I don't regret my decision.

I was a little nervous wondering whether it was the addiction demon pushing me in the wrong direction but I don't think it was.

What I just experienced felt very healthy and normal. Just like what you imagine a non porn addict might do from time to time.

I didn't force anything, just went with how I felt. After MO I felt no guilt, and no lethargy. I feel a little more mellowed out and relaxed now but actually I feel better and with more energy than I did beforehand.

So it's been a little over 5 weeks hard mode. I was just able to MO off pure sensation alone, no porn, no fantasizing.

I'll keep you guys posted on how I feel over the next period of time and whether I observe any chaser effect or flatline.

Honestly if I flatline I wouldn't mind it at all because the thing bothering me for the past week has just been horniness, not urges to watch porn.

I don't plan on making a regular habit out of MO and I'm going to continue this reboot hard mode style.

Overall I'm glad that was a positive experience.

 

[forestwater]

Alright the deed is done!

I don't regret my decision.

I was a little nervous wondering whether it was the addiction demon pushing me in the wrong direction but I don't think it was.

What I just experienced felt very healthy and normal. Just like what you imagine a non porn addict might do from time to time.

I didn't force anything, just went with how I felt. After MO I felt no guilt, and no lethargy. I feel a little more mellowed out and relaxed now but actually I feel better and with more energy than I did beforehand.

So it's been a little over 5 weeks hard mode. I was just able to MO off pure sensation alone, no porn, no fantasizing.

I'll keep you guys posted on how I feel over the next period of time and whether I observe any chaser effect or flatline.

Honestly if I flatline I wouldn't mind it at all because the thing bothering me for the past week has just been horniness, not urges to watch porn.

I don't plan on making a regular habit out of MO and I'm going to continue this reboot hard mode style.

Overall I'm glad that was a positive experience.

Stay smart! I've been there too, trying to determine whether MO (no porn, no fantasy) is a good idea to do during a reboot. It doesn't feel like relapsing for me; however, I'm not sure if it interferes with my rewiring. A lot of my reboot motivation is that I want to be able to O during sex with my partner, and I don't want to keep giving my body the idea that the only time it's gonna O is via M. But on the other hand, I get so horny... If anyone has any advice, I'm all ears.

 

[cookiemonster]

Stay smart! I've been there too, trying to determine whether MO (no porn, no fantasy) is a good idea to do during a reboot. It doesn't feel like relapsing for me; however, I'm not sure if it interferes with my rewiring. A lot of my reboot motivation is that I want to be able to O during sex with my partner, and I don't want to keep giving my body the idea that the only time it's gonna O is via M. But on the other hand, I get so horny... If anyone has any advice, I'm all ears.

Yeah, in my case I think what I did is fine.

I felt like I was in control and didn't masturbate like I used to with porn with a death grip etc...

I'll see how things go over the next period of time but I'll go for as long as I can again with no MO and keep moving towards forever no PMO.

 

[cookiemonster]

Just finished a workout.

Last week I went for 3 runs too.

Today I am in the best mood I've been in for a long time.

I'm starting to have the energy to look after my physical health better again.

I think this reboot is one of the best things I've done for myself in years.

Not going to call anything early but I've improved a lot in the last 5 and 1/2 weeks. Let's keep going I guess.

I've also downloaded a dating app. I'll report how that goes. I've read warnings from guys saying they can be very triggering (half of the profiles are softcore pornography) but these triggers don't seem to affect me the same way anymore. If anything starts slipping I'll let you guys know and simply get rid of the app but I think it will be fine.

Also after that MO orgasm I had I haven't noticed any particular chaser effect or flatline. I'm just not sexually frustrated anymore haha.

 

[cookiemonster]

Not sure about this dating app business. Some profiles really are just softcore pornography. I don't linger on them but still it feels a little bit like it must be firing off the old porn pathways.

I don't think it's a problem yet because there is the upside of matching with girls but I'll be monitoring because if it's hampering my progress significantly I guess it's just not worth it. I've had a few matches though which is nice and I'm chatting to a few people. So there is an upside.

Ever since that MO session my penis sensitivity has dropped and my erection strength has tanked a bit. Really interesting to see the effect that had. I still don't regret it but I don't want to make a habit out of it because overall I think it probably does slow progress.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. Trying to find a girlfriend or at least start something and still on the road to recovery but my dick isn't as alive as it could be.

So no PMO ever and no MO for as long as possible is the plan moving forward. And I will be watchful of the dating apps and determine whether it's worth it.

 

[cookiemonster]

Definitely feel like I've lost some progress because of that MO. I think I've broken free from the habit of watching pornography mostly, I'm still vulnerable as an addict but I've come so far and I'm very proud of that.

6 weeks no pornography now.

But I do feel my dick now is a little lifeless. I'm way better than when I started this journey and can get like a 70% erection from sensation alone (compared to losing erection even during PMO at the start) but it's nothing compared to the rock solid stuff I was getting spontaneously a week ago.

I can genuinely see the opportunity to rewire with some girls now that I've downloaded some dating apps and am planning on meeting people so I would love to get back to where I was.

I can't force things, all I can do is avoid PMO and MO. So that's what I'll do and I'll still meet up with girls but if things progress to the point where I might have to "perform" then I'll only do that when I feel ready. But I'm sure any sort of in person relationship, touch, kissing etc is good for me.

Also I still don't regret the MO session, I did it intentionally, enjoyed it, it felt healthy and good. It's just a shame I'm not fully recovered enough to be able to handle that and not have this reaction of, I guess, a mini flatline?

Also the dating apps are a bit of a gift and a curse. It's allowing me to set up opportunities to meet girls but I can't avoid being exposed to triggering content which I can feel would be better just not to see for my recovery. Honestly the best thing I can think of is to try to progress to seeing people in person and not get trapped in swiping and liking on an app.

I'll keep you guys posted. If the apps don't lead to any in person dates (although I am almost certain they will, because I'm organising them) then I'll just delete the apps.

I'm going away for a week staying in close proximity with people and I'll just ignore the apps for this week and spend very little time on my phone which I think will do my recovery good.

Let me know what you think about the apps and the upside of potentially meeting girls and the downside of being exposed to women on a screen which caused my issue in the first place. Personally, for now I think the potential benefits outweigh the cons but I'll be constantly reevaluating this. I'll know once I actually go on some dates I think.

In other news I've been working out a lot more than I have in the past couple of years. Honestly that's the best thing right now. I repeat that this reboot is one of the best things I've done for myself in years and I'm hopeful about the future. I have been doing to bed too late recently but that will get automatically fixed when I'm away next week.

 

[Deleted member 22651]

That dating app seems like one hell of a place for bots, good to see that your staying aware of any potential triggers and having the self control to not react to it. Love to see that you're hitting the gym and just doing well all around, its almost like a different type of therapy in its own and the more you do it, the more addicted and better you feel.
Good shit my dude!!
Im rooting for you to get some dates and put yourself out there!!

I might sound a bit preachy with this one but have you tried doing pelvic floor exercises? when I was going through some issues with getting or staying hard, I started doing them a few times a day and a week later it worked, then I kept doing them and they helped me last longer instead of the old 1-minute pump routine. The only hard part with that was remembering to do it so now I just have alarms for it.

Loving all the progress you're making and the steps you're taking to turn things around for yourself

 

[cookiemonster]

That dating app seems like one hell of a place for bots, good to see that your staying aware of any potential triggers and having the self control to not react to it. Love to see that you're hitting the gym and just doing well all around, its almost like a different type of therapy in its own and the more you do it, the more addicted and better you feel.
Good shit my dude!!
Im rooting for you to get some dates and put yourself out there!!

I might sound a bit preachy with this one but have you tried doing pelvic floor exercises? when I was going through some issues with getting or staying hard, I started doing them a few times a day and a week later it worked, then I kept doing them and they helped me last longer instead of the old 1-minute pump routine. The only hard part with that was remembering to do it so now I just have alarms for it.

Loving all the progress you're making and the steps you're taking to turn things around for yourself

Thanks Gohan.

Working out has felt great for sure. I'm getting fit again hahaha.

I haven't tried pelvic floor exercises but I'll look into them. I don't think it's just that though, I think there's a strong neurological element because just a week ago I was getting rock solid and since the MO it's dropped.

Anyway, I'll be away for a week and it should be good for my recovery. I won't be using the apps or anything. However, I've organised my first date for tomorrow!

Hopefully it goes well and it's just a casual meet up for a walk but it should be good.

 

[cookiemonster]

Date today went well. Girl is cute and we got along pretty well. We've both agreed to a second date.

Still in a bit of a flatline. I literally don't get urges to watch porn anymore. But once an addict always an addict I guess so I'll keep my guard up.

This reboot is a very important part of my life but it's getting to the point where it happens by itself and I just need time to recover. I can focus on getting in shape, enjoying my hobbies and dating.

 

[cookiemonster]

Greetings fellow rebooters.

Time for an update!

I am now over 7 weeks porn free I'm very pleased to say. And 2 weeks no masturbation. This is an insane achievement for me. Although I'm not going to celebrate early, I can still feel I'm very vulnerable.

I woke up this morning with some weak morning wood which is the first time that's happened since my MO two weeks ago which seemed to have sent me into a sort of flatline.

So I think I'm on my way to getting back to where I was in my reboot where after the initial 5 weeks I was getting strong and spontaneous erections.

I'm still using the dating apps which I started a couple of weeks ago. I think they are slowing down my progress a little because of constantly being exposed to triggering profiles which tickle the old porn neurological circuitry and the dopamine hit of scrolling through profiles. However! I genuinely think I have a chance of finding a girlfriend out of these apps because I've been having some positive interactions. So I still think the pros outweigh the cons because otherwise I will have nobody to rewire with. I also haven't felt out of control at any point like it's leading me to watch porn but it isn't ideal. I'll keep you guys updated and constantly reevaluate, but for now the plan is to organise as many in person dates as possible and use it to create a rewiring opportunity and hopefully a healthy relationship.

My dick is still pretty lifeless compared to the 5 week mark pre MO but it's slowly improving again. Every day without porn is also another day breaking the habit, it's not just about my erections etc.

Overall, pretty positive. I feel like if I just keep staying the course I will get better and better. It's a constant struggle but I'm hopeful I'll soon be having some positive and healthy sexual experiences with real women.

 

[cookiemonster]

Another day PMO free.

My current thoughts on the rewiring process... I don't even want to get laid at this point man and have to deal with the possible pressure of that. I just want someone I can cuddle with and kiss in bed and go from there.

 

[cookiemonster]

7 and 1/2 weeks in and I just mo'd for the second time during my reboot.

There was no porn or fantasizing involved at all, just pure focus on sensations.

Not ideal because I remember last time it sent me into a bit of a flatline and my erection strength tanked but it only took me two weeks to get it back.

Just keep on trucking from here I guess. Stay vigilant and never ever watch porn again and try and avoid MO for as long as possible.

Ideally also find a girlfriend who I can rewire with soon too so when I can't handle horniness anymore I can handle it with them and rewire at the same time.

Not exactly happy this time, unlike last time, because it was less of a conscious decision and more of an urge but it's not the end of the world because porn is still not an option for me. Although once an addict always an addict so this is no time to let the guard down and I might experience some chaser effect. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

Still not bad that I've gone from ED watching porn to strong erections from touch alone. But I think I could be progressing faster if I was able to stick to hard mode and find a girl to rewire with.

 

[cookiemonster]

I MO'd again when I woke up this morning. Still no porn or fantasizing involved.

I might go quiet for a little while, while I'm getting myself under control.

Not in a particularly good mood today.

Porn is still not an option for me. I simply cannot fucking go through this again.

All social media, games and datings apps are to be disabled on my phone except for one hour in the evening. I'm going to try to spend my days being productive and busy. Phone is to be charged upstairs away from my bedroom.

I am weak at the moment and I need to remove my pacifiers which erode willpower.

Stay strong.

 

[Deleted member 22651]

I MO'd again when I woke up this morning. Still no porn or fantasizing involved.

I might go quiet for a little while, while I'm getting myself under control.

Not in a particularly good mood today.

Porn is still not an option for me. I simply cannot fucking go through this again.

All social media, games and datings apps are to be disabled on my phone except for one hour in the evening. I'm going to try to spend my days being productive and busy. Phone is to be charged upstairs away from my bedroom.

I am weak at the moment and I need to remove my pacifiers which erode willpower.

Stay strong.

Stay strong brother, its good that you're taking more steps to improve your situation.

You've got this!

 

[cookiemonster]

8 weeks porn free.

I had a pretty full on sexual dream last night and there are some urges.

It would be great to get back into the mindset I had at the beginning of this reboot of 'not giving an inch'. Not thinking about sex, porn or girls at all and barely ever touching my dick except to pee and shower kind of thing.

I think that stops whatever problems you might encounter 'upstream' before they snowball and are difficult to deal with.

I also think it makes for a more 'clean' reboot where you'll recover faster because the old porn neurological pathways have nothing to feed off at all.

 

[cookiemonster]

Today was a good day.

No PMO or urges. I feel a lot better now that I've set up some restrictions on phone use basically. I haven't followed it religiously but having to consciously turn off an app blocker means I am using the dating apps, social media and games a lot less.

I've got another date tomorrow evening which I'm excited about. We'll see how it goes.

 

[cookiemonster]

chapter 2

Still no PMO since start of reboot and no MO since earlier this week, but more importantly...

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Without realising it, this reboot might be the best thing I've done for myself in years.

Just a warning, I'm going to be describing a sexual encounter so it might be triggering.

I had an amazing time with a girl last night and I'm super into her. She stayed the night at mine after our date. I told her straight out that I've never had sex before, don't know if sex is the sort of thing I'd do on a first date and I didn't have any condoms. She was respectful of this. However, we made out and one thing led to the next and she started giving me head.

I've never received head before and honestly I was super into it. She was super confident, and honestly I loved seeing her like that and loved seeing her doing it.

Even though I was super into it, everything was a little overwhelming for me so I told her I needed a break.

What's great though is I feel super comfortable with her. She's confident and it puts me at ease even though I'm inexperienced. That being said, I'm not someone who generally lacks confidence anyway, it's just that sexual encounters like this are new ground for me so I do feel vulnerable and a little anxious I guess. But she made the experience great.

The night continued with cuddling, kissing and a second round of head. She's a little kinky too which I'm into.

And now here is the reboot angle of the whole experience... I think I managed to stay hard throughout both bouts of head? I don't know why but it's a little hard to tell when you're not the one playing with your own dick hahah. But I think I was pretty solid even if maybe not 100% solid all the time. Although I feel like I loose my erection pretty quick afterwards. But overall I'd call it a working penis! Sure there's improvements to be made but I'm just thankful PIED has fucked off to a large extent. There's no way I should have issues like that being a 20 year old male, in good health with a strong sex drive.

I think this marks the beginning of the next chapter in my reboot: rewiring.

I have multiple things to say on the topic of rewiring

• As much as I was super into the head. It didn't feel as great as I would have imagined. I liked it a lot but it was almost as if I couldn't feel it properly? And in part it felt like I was getting sensory overload? I think I'm too conditioned to my own touch, rhythm and energy when masturbating so when I get this new sensation, with a new rhythm and everything to it, I'm not conditioned to fully appreciate it. I think it's that death grip syndrome from masturbation. I'm just so used to such a tight grip when being stimulated. I kind of despise the fact that years of porn and masturbation has made this the case because I think otherwise from a psychological and physiological standpoint I would fucking love it. Like I didn't even get close to finishing. Hopefully I can get used to it and find what works best by exploring and communicating.

• I understand the reboot process more now. I am largely past urges to look at porn. However having had this experience it genuinely feels like I need to rewire my pleasure circuitry to real sexual encounters.

So no way am I ever going anywhere near PMO again in my life and I'm not going to MO either anytime soon because hopefully I'm going to see this girl again.

And the whole rebooting and rewiring conversation aside, that's only one aspect of why I'm trying to meet people. I genuinely want to see this girl regardless and see where things go. She's great.

All of this a mere two months after stopping PMO.

 

[cookiemonster]

Looks like I'm going to get a second date

It's been a long time since I've had this level of motivation to get in shape and get after my ambitions.

No wayyyyyyyyyyy am I going to be doing any PMO or MO, I want to be able to enjoy seeing this girl again to the full and be as sensitive as possible.

The one thing I do have going for me is that I've never lost my enjoyment of intimacy with girls and I've always had good relationships with people.

I just need to rewire in the sexual sense, not in the emotional bonding or social sense.

For a while there, I was voicing my concerns about the dating apps slowing my progress but that I thought it's probably worth it if I find someone. Well, I uninstalled them yesterday and will just focus on seeing girl I met. It's all about in person real relationships now.

I hope it keeps going well. I'm sure if it doesn't work out I'll feel pretty shit and the tone of my posts would change very quickly but at least for now it's looking good ahah.

Interesting observation after seeing this girl and the blowjobs is that my dick seemed "tired". I didn't orgasm when seeing her but yesterday my dick didn't respond much to touch.

I can't imagine where I'd be right now if I didn't MO at all in my reboot. My erections were spontaneous and monstrous at the 5 week mark before MO.

Although, I did just realise my dick was working pretty well on Saturday and I mo'd twice that week on Tuesday/Wednesday so that's actually pretty good!

Let's go!

I'm not calling anything early and I'll always consider myself just one slip up away from fucking things up, but the urges to watch porn and masturbate aren't there right now. I am however mad about this girl haha