Damn keep pushing through my dude. Also is your health ok? I had no idea man, I hope things are going wellDay 256
Day 19 of no O
Yesterday was a struggle. I wouldn't say I was necessarily tempted to look at porn; but it was just a mentally hard day where I would have used porn to clear my head in the past.
I went to that doctor a month ago and thought my health situation was getting better. However, over the last few days my problem seems to have somewhat returned to its "normal" existence, thus, I'm going to have to figure something else out.
Yesterday I went through the gauntlet of emotions: mad, sad, angry, frustrated, and feeling overly depressed in general. I haven't proved to myself yet that I can get through moments likes these without fucking up in the end, and thus I feel very scared and almost defeated, even though I haven't actually been tempted yet.
I'm child in a man's body with no long term coping mechanisms fully functional yet. I know I have them somewhere back there behind the engine, but I haven't learned how to use them properly. Thus, in moments like these, I get scared to tell you the truth, scared I'm going to fuck it all up.
I don't feel strong today
I don't feel like I'm a hero today
I don't feel like an anybody today
All I want to do is get back out there in the mountains and have some fun this summer with my lady! But at this moment, I don't think it's going to happen...
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Do I prefer this nonsense to looking at porn? No, I would prefer to not have to deal with this at all. However I know porn won't fix this problem. Porn has never fixed my problems and it never will, it will only increase them!
Fuck porn!
Fuck porn!
Fuck porn!
Alright I'm done for today.
But you already have proved it to yourself. You faced all those emotions, and didn't turn porn to cope. Feel that shit, and teach yourself those long term coping mechanisms. You know as much as anyone here, the highs and lows of this journey. Quit doubting yourself. Hoping for the best for you brother, sorry to hear of your health woes. Keep your head up. You got thisYesterday I went through the gauntlet of emotions: mad, sad, angry, frustrated, and feeling overly depressed in general. I haven't proved to myself yet that I can get through moments likes these without fucking up in the end, and thus I feel very scared and almost defeated, even though I haven't actually been tempted yet.
I'm child in a man's body with no long term coping mechanisms fully functional yet. I know I have them somewhere back there behind the engine, but I haven't learned how to use them properly. Thus, in moments like these, I get scared to tell you the truth, scared I'm going to fuck it all up.
I know very well how this works because I'm the same. I've never figured out life and how to deal with the discomfort, I only knew how to "fix it" with "drugs". I only knew how to fix my inside life using external pleasurable things. And then age caught up to me and I ended up having this fight inside me between me being a kid in a grown up body and what society expects from me. Better said, what my parents expect me to do and my pride to prove to the bullies from my past (who include a relative) that I am not a loser, I've accomplished the minimum necessary life for me to say I am alright. And this not happening put pressure on my shoulders and I started to get more erratic with self-medication as a result.I'm child in a man's body with no long term coping mechanisms fully functional yet. I know I have them somewhere back there behind the engine, but I haven't learned how to use them properly. Thus, in moments like these, I get scared to tell you the truth, scared I'm going to fuck it all up.
For sure man, be as 'raw' as you need to be with your thoughts. We are all human. Let me again say -- very proud that you didn't succumb to using P. You are a straight killer, get after life!!!Thanks @First_step_thousand_miles and @fa84.
My health is fine, I'm not dying or anything, and I really appreciate you asking guys. In fact, I'm in the best shape of my life, I've lost 50lbs and I'm below 20% body fat (the best it's ever been ) and I feel pretty damn good in general. However, I just have this issue, that I won't say for privacy reasons, that's been bothering my for quite sometime now and it stops me from doing the things I love to do (especially in the summer!) Yesterday, was a hell of day and it just felt good to get it out of my system.
If I've learned anything in this little thing called life, it's to never cover up how I'm feeling in the moment, especially at a place like this. Thus, I'm just keeping it real.
Life's good and I should count my blessings, it could be far worse! The lady and I are about to head up to drive around in the mountains. I won't be able to do what I want exactly, but at least I'll be out there in smell that fresh glorious air.
I just messaged my doctor and we'll try to figure something else out.
If I can pull through moments like this when I feel really down, I will feel very confident that I can get over this nonsense once and for all.
I'm in new territory now and I feel like a rookie out on his first important mission; I've had my training but I haven't proven myself yet.
Well, time to get off my ass and workout before we leave.
Best everyone.