Quick update. I relapsed again to cam sex. At this point I find it both concerning and hilarious. Why? Because it was so mechanical. During the time I betrayed my recovery it was as if my control was completely taken over by a puppeteer. It cannot be that all the work I am doing to solve this is a lie, it cannot be that I don't want to quit, because by all means I want to. I am consciously aware and I reason quite excellently that I want to quit, there is clearly a problem with my subconscious mind here. This mechanical self took over. The primitive animal self.
I will have the best day of the month tomorrow, I will seek to achieve that in all areas. And when it comes to addiction well, I don't know how to deal with that mechanical take over. It is not like I can chain myself to a wall, believe me I would. Sure, having all the means to relapse is not making things easier. Ok, I wont become desperate.
Most positive thing about this is that I am not an emotional wreck, I am feeling alright and know that tomorrow I will have so much will to fight.
Please don't feel sorry for me. I will own to my mistake. What I will not do is stop fighting or go ghost mode. But I fear I might be developing the following pattern: I relapse, I write a journal entry to purify myself, I relapse, I write a journal entry to purify myself, I relapse, and so on. I hope I am not unconsciously using this as a balancing tool. Oh well, it seems that has been happening, unconsciously. I have not of course lied consciously, but maybe I have lied unconsciously.
This thing is difficult to solve, a very strange puzzle. Besides, this is such a stupid addiction. I WILL FIGHT. I WILL WIN. I WILL SEARCH DEEP DOWN FOR LIGHT. And I will find it.
Things are fine. I have never felt this united with myself, never. This is all part of the process.